Monday, January 31, 2005

Things we should share

You ever spend like your entire life researching some product (maybe that's just me) and then you finally buy it and then your "friend" says something to the effect of "yeah I almost got that one but then I bought such and such because Consumer Reports said it was better than that shitty one you bought." Yeah so fuck you why didn't you tell me before I spent 436 hours on the internet researching every last goddamned review finding the perfect one.

So I propose that we routinely post on our blogs what products we're using and why. Then whether you're happy with it or if you're open to suggestions on something better. So here's what I've got for you.

I've used every goddamned razor known to man. I don't really look like those manly types whose 5 o'clock shadow shows up at 2:45 but I can grow a full beard in a weekend so there's something there to be shaved at least. So anyway I had gotten into this routine of upping the blade count, paying a premium for additional features and just pissing away money hand over fist on my razors. I think the last one I bought was a Schick 4 blade lubristrip pivot vibrating thing that ran about $50 per cartridge. So here's a little timeline for you of what blade I was using, why it was better than the previous incarnation and why I switched to something different in some cases. In general it leads to my current "shaving system" which is worth suffering though this shitty post whether you're a girl or a guy.

Age Razor/Shave Cream
16 - Bic Single Blade/Colgate Foam
This shit is for amateurs. This shitty combo could make you never want to shave again and so I didn't until I was 18
18 - Gilllette Twin Blade/Barbasol
A marginal advancement but still a fucking hemoplug riddled razorburn patch waiting to happen
20 - Gillett Good News/Gillette Gel
Gel was a huge improvement. The other foamy stuff is pure ass. As for Good News, not sure what changed.
22 - Gillette Good News Pivot/Gillette Gel
Added the ol' pivot for getting around the chin area. Not really much of an improvement
23 - Gillette Good News Pivot Plus/Edge Gel
A real breakthrough. The lubrismooth strip and the Edge Gel changed me. These were my shaving glory days.
25 - Gillette Sensor/Edge Gel
Gilette Sensor. The single greatest razor advancement in my life.
27 - Gillette Sensor Excel/Edge Gel
Sensor Excel added a little rubber beard lifter in front of the blades. Nice touch
29 - Gillette Mach 3/Edge Gel
A big fat headed blade that gave the best shave ever with the least irritation but too bulky for detailed areas.
31 - Schick Quattro/Edge Gel
A bigger fatter better shave that was even more difficult to maneuver around nostrils and lips.
33 - Gillette Sensor Disposable/Edge Gel
Seriously the greatest shaving combination ever. This is untouchable by any other standard. If you haven't tried one or both of these together, you need to march immediately to the nearest Walgreens and buy both and then run home to shave in the shower immediately. You will thank me in the comments section later.

probably my next razor

Sunday, January 30, 2005

Mission Accomplished

Whew I finally made it to 418 unique visitors. Now I can finally just relax and write without worrying about web traffic.

Saturday, January 29, 2005

The Pictorial

What follows are graphic images of what transpired this past week.
If you are squeamish or quick to vomit, you should turn back now.
Honestly though, these guys are awesome.
The Crew in all our glory.
I'm not sure who the girl is but she's really effing hot.

Shamus "going down" on NASA

This lady tried to trade pizza for sexual favors. I caved.

Holsh likes Ice Cream even when it's 29 degrees.
I believe this raised his voice several octaves.

I'm not sure who or what this is but the dude is touching me where he shouldn't be.

Same as above but Shamus is touching the dude where he shouldn't be.

These people are right side up.

This girl was concerned that I might drop the camera.

We're nearly upside down at this point if you check the background.

I'm just saying my head doesn't look gigantically fat.
And the three tools behind me don't look like total losers.

Shamus making fun of some Roy Orbison impersonator.

Spiderman uses sign language to indicate "these 2 are gay"

I might have touched this girl's butt.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Thursday in FLA

I figured out you can get on the internet while you're in the actual sessions. Leah had to explain it to me. Apparently there's like this wireless internet access. Everyday I like to play a game on the bus ride in to the conference. It's not a different game everyday but it changes a bit everyday. The title of this game is called "What smells like ass?" You might think that it's pretty obvious what the answer is every morning but I believe the source is always different. Here are some ideas I had each morning as to the origination of the odor although I never confirmed them.

1. Drank too much at opening party, puked, thought none got on me, wore same shirt and pants Monday to conference. Note to guy one, the chunks on your shirt are not 'flair' from vendors

2. I'm from a country where showering is considered wasteful. I know that I can cover the odor with cologne. Note to guy #2, you smell like asscologne

3. Two possibilities. a.) I'm guy 1 and I'm still in the same clothes because that's all I brought. or b.) I'm from this country where people do shower regularly but I'm too large to reach all the way back to my ass to wash it with any consistency.

4. Obviously the guys from above aren't smelling good at this point but on day 4 there's special forces working against most of us. We've been sitting in the same chairs with 1-3 all week so now there's concern that it might be you. I checked though it's not. Seriously though everyone smells bad now so there's no point in playing the game. Today's game it just try not to die on the way in. Should have brought a mask.

I still have a few other spheriod types to share but that's for another post.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Wednesday in FLA

People continued.

So at Shamus's request I will now add to my list of 'Spherians

Carpal Tussle Russel:
This kid can't be more than 15 and he's sitting to my right (1 mm to my right). Apparently he's either posessed or he's been given exercises by his Dr. to help with his carpal tunnel. The exercises appear to be some sort of self struggle hence Carpal Tussle Russel. Whatever he's trying to accomplish, he's chosen the most ridiculously inappropriate time to perform the exercises. First it's the lift up push down where he just turns his left hand (my side) from palm up to palm down about 100 times. Then he does paint the fence only this douche paints sideways. He does about 50 paint the fences before I start some routine with my right leg. toes up toes down knees up knees down. it didn't stop him but I felt better.

Tuesday in FLA

I'm compiling a list of the characters you might see here at Disney. You are probably thinking about Mickey and Minnie and Goofy and those crazy kids. That's probably because you're Sarah and you really like mascots. But no. I'm talking about the Lotuspherians. I've noticed that there are some simple "types" that most of these tools fit into. So here are a few with more to follow when I get more than 5 seconds to write.

Cell Phone Jones:
This jackass is apparently able to run huge networks of Domino servers. His company has entrusted him with all technology decisions and information security and yet he is still unable to figure out how to either a. turn his fucking phone off or b. set it to vibrate. You're an asswipe CPJ.

Nodding Hill:
This mulletard is so entrenched in Domino that he believes himself to be the resident expert in a room full of experts. He advertises this by nodding his head in agreement with every fucking point the presenter is making. Douchebag.

more to come...

Monday, January 24, 2005

Monday in FLA

I don't have much time before my first real session but let me just say a few things I've noticed.

John Cleese = really effing funny
9000 fat white IT dorks + 2 hot chick (one from Key) = Lotusphere
1 open whore of a laptop (mine) + the same 9000 IT dorks from above = unauthorized browsing of my porn

It's cold as eff in Florida too.
There are some other hot girls here. None of them has a clue what Lotusphere is.

I have some sweet pictures but I didn't bring my camera cable with me (it's at the hotel) so photo evidence of this dorkfest will have to wait until tomorrow.

I will be back in my blogging chair at lunchtime. I have a blogging chair now. It's nice.

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Trip Prep-101

A lot of people need time to prepare for a week long trip. I need approximately 32 minutes. If you've never left your house for a week at a time I will grant you that you might think you need more time. What do I need to sleep in? What if it's warm? What if it's cold?

I really would be fine with 2 items
1. My wallet
2. Premoistened wipes (which I could probably score as long as I have my wallet)

Once I'm certain those 2 things are making the trip, I can pretty much finish packing in this manner.
3. Take all my underwear (2.5 pairs - the .5 is a pair that you can see my nuts through even though there are no actual holes)
4. Take all my socks (3 socks total to be rotated)
5. Take all my shirts (2 which I will be wearing - see below)
6. Take my favorite (only) pair of jeans
7. Take one of those gay shower scrubbies

Finally zip up the zipper on the ol' backpack and head to the airport at least 15 minutes before your flight.

You should be wearing
2 pairs of socks
2 pairs of shorts
2 pairs of pants
2 shirts
2 pairs of shoes
2 pairs of underwear
1 light jacket
1 heavy coat (preferably a men's XL Tall no matter what size or gender you personally are)
1 baseball cap
1 stocking cap

If you want you can bring a cell phone in case 1979 calls asking for the Captain America Underoos from line 3 above. I'll be honest with you though it's not like he's ever going to get through, what with 1984 constantly calling about my 'current' music collection.

Friday, January 21, 2005

Mi Dulce Pequeño de los Pantalones

Well I'm heading to Florida this weekend. I plan on taking my camera with me and documenting the tragic level of dork factor that is achieved at an IT conference. I know the camera won't do it justice but I think this could be pure comedic genius. I plan on pretending to be the official photographer for the "web photos" they always post after the conference. My mission is to see what kind of total retardedness I can capture on digital film.

I probably won't have a chance to post again before I leave for Florida so if my plane goes down in a ball of flames, I need you to let people know that this pathetically useless collection of non-funny blog posts really did me justice and captured the essence of me.

As for the conference, I really need a break from my kids but 2 seconds after I get on the plane I will miss them and begin worrying about them until I return. I once told someone this about the anomaly of children. You will never meet anyone you want to kill more or to die less than your children. When they're there driving you insane, all you can think about is how you could really use a break and the second you leave them all you can think about is how amazing they are and how fast they change and how much you love them and miss them. I don't talk about my kids as much as most new dads (some may disagree) but it's not because I don't want to. It's more that I normally don't think people want to hear about them. New parents are annoying. I'm still a new parent. I'm still annoying.

Since this post isn't even remotely funny anyway (in stark contrast to the others) I will finish with a top 10 list of things that are totally sweet in an effort to be 50% less evil for one day in tribute to The New Original.

1. Leah, Kristin and Joshy
2. pizza
3. you
4. pumpkin pie
5. salt and vinegar pringles
6. bux in the am
7. terrible drawings made using microsoft paint
8. sleep
9. music
10. the 4 seasons of Cleveland

and we'll all blog on again

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

some stuff I guess

Number 1:
Tonight my wife just out of the blue goes "what's with all the sitcoms lately pairing a fat guy with a hot wife?" I think she was implying something but I'm not sure. (see King of Queens, Center of the Universe, According to Jim) I think John Goodman's show gets its name because his manboobs are getting as big as the Sun.

Number 2:
On seeing Scott's blog Leah's first words were "why does Scott hate 'God People'" Well I guess my friend Scott really takes issue with "god people." I mean that's probably not the group I'd choose to alienate right out of the gate but maybe that's just me. Especially when you've got these guys just begging for it.

Number 3:
People will click on anything. I mean there are really clever scams out there these days to steal your identity and whatnot but I say this to you Netcriminals, why bother? People are retarded. I mean if it makes you feel better fooling them with cuckoo's eggs and silent web redirection then I guess have at it but really people are such buttdarts that you can just send them a shiny button and say Click Here.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

I submit to you that if a man hasn't discovered something he will die for, he isn't fit to live.

Dr. Martin Luther King - 1963 - Truly a visionary and courageous leader.

4 words my friend-Salt and Vinegar Pringles.

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Holy effing crap

Teri Hatcher is effing hot. I think she just mentioned that she's 40. Let's not be confused, that just means shes a 10- 4 times over.

Saturday, January 15, 2005

wine is perety good

man I drang to o mucjh. ddddont' jughde me. 34 Iwish I loked olitke Matthew fox but unfortubaaaaaaatly I lookw moere like sone hideous combinatoen of th eo wors t features of Woody Harelson, matt damon, kevin james and Ewan mgregor. shut your mouth hwhore


Allright so I'm pretty well lit. You shut your mouth. like you never blogged watestd. SO anyway we jsut went to a wine tasting where I hit on the somalier for a little bit until my wife and sister in law(her sister) started giving me shit about it. Anyway she had dark hair and big brown eyes. Anyone that knows me knows I have a type ant that defines it. My wife has dark hair and big brown eyes and so does every girl I ever thought was hot. So sue me. If you want to throw in a medium to big rack, you're a 10 hands down. You got dark hair brown eyes and a rack, you're a 10. Nothing else matters. If you know how to cook a Red Baron frozen pizza for 12 minutes on 375, I really don't care what else you got going on. You could have 11 toes or a third nipple. YOU STILL ROCK!

Friday, January 14, 2005

I got my Staples rebate today

it's signed by Julie Spotswood
....... I bet she does.

At first it looked like Sportswood and I thought maybe Julie should change her name to Jerry.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

The Translation

A lot of people had trouble reading my last post from Chin Hua's It's so effing funny I decided to translate for those of you who don't read simplified chinese or square boxes which is what a lot of people saw. So here it is again for your reading pleasure.

"I obtained some bad newses today. The friend of mine called Ping has lost his work in the fluorescent lamp factory operation. This operation have relieve Ping because he continues to forget inserting scrazit to tube before seal in them. Resembling that wasn't bad is enough, Ping is also my co resident and they have paid him in rice. Because of this ping couldn't help buy firewood. So we shared the rice. Now I will have to pay all including to moist wipes for the washroom. That Ping is not intelligent. I today arrange an idea to demonstrate " in any event for the television game; "Rice make a deal" You can obtain the rice for some matters in yours pockets. one is very funny. Hahahahaha"

That last part about the game show is what set me off.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

the funniest gd blog post ever

This is so effing funny I can't even do it justice so you just have to read it yourself.

*身為一道彩虹 雨過了就該閃亮整片天空 讓我深愛的你感到光榮身為一道彩虹 盡全力也要換你一段笑容 夠了 我愛你 不必人懂 (只要你懂)只要不醒過來 這就不是夢 請看著我 請擁抱我 體溫別流走*如果你累了 那就去睡吧 不要為我 強求什麼 愛不能不寬容好多話想說 好多事要做 請天空給我 請時間給我 再多一點停留Repeat*親愛的你 若有感動 請牢記在心中 下一次下雨 你能看見的 那道彩虹 不再可能是我

Holy crap when he goes 不要為我 I almost pissed myself. Can you believe this guy! You know you want to read more.

For the ladies

Ladies if you've just stumbled across my blog, consider yourselves one of the lucky few and bookmark it now. Then figure out a way to subtly direct your man back to it. Going forward I will be revealing the Weenjammer's Guide to Pleasing a Woman. I will be providing step by step instructions on how to perform my signature "Three fingers and a cloud of dust" as well as "Around the Whorld in 80 Licks." What qualifies me you ask? Well I once nearly killed a woman from sensory overload. That sense was pleasure my friend. I've been intimate with numerous ladies. The role of those ladies is very often played by my hand but the details of it all are inconsequential. Suffice it to say I know my way around the tunnel of love and your man will too if you get him to read this blog.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

this is fun

I'm pretty sure you could make a passable replica of anyone using this tool. My attempt at drawing myself is below. I think my eyes might need to be closer together or something but it's close. Certainly this looks better than me. I may try to create all of my fellow blogarts with the tool as well. It's so fun.

this is my self police sketch Posted by Hello

Monday, January 10, 2005

Lance Legends Submission #1

My "friend" Erik inspired me to become one of his deputies and submit for Lance Legend status. This was my submission tonight.

There are two kinds of people in this world. The kind who eat Lance snacks and the kind who, well the kind who really have no regard for anything. Well this story is unfortunately about the latter.

I was heading into town about 6 years ago on county rd 15 when I came across an old timer walking backwards down the birm. I stopped to ask if he needed anything and he said he was "immune to the sun". I said "I think you mean allergic don't you." He kicked me in the shorts and called me a whippersnapper, said I wasn't proper questioning my elders. I apologized and offered him one of my bags of Lance Thunder Potato Chips since I always have a spare bag. He kicked me in the shorts again and said "son if you got two bags, you go ahead and offer me both. I like to mix the Salt-n-Vinegar with the Buffalo flavored ones. It's the only thing that keeps me from losin' my mind." I handed him both and made out of there like a house afire. That was my first and last encounter with crazy Willie but I will never forget that day. Lance snacks probably saved my life. As for the two kinds of people, it turns out even the ones who have no regard for anything eat Lance snacks so there's really only one kind of people and that kind is Lance Snack Lovers just like me.

Wish me luck.

Travellog - Immovable object wins

So I know my friends are all up in arms because I'm all about this blogging and I get everyone all fired up in blogarama then I just take 3 days off without notice like a total jerkass. So first of all I apologize. Second I apologize for this entry not being funny because I'm tired as fuck and lastly I'm turning on anonymous comments so the gays can respond without feeling like they're outing themselves.

Life on the road is tough with a couple little whiny punks in your car. I drove 5 hours each way to spend a nice weekend with my parents and my brother and his family at his house. We watched Anchorman while we were there and I have to say I thought nothing could make Anchorman unfunny but my family managed to succeed. It's like when the unstoppable comic force (Will Ferrell) meets the immovable humorless object (my family). The immovable object wins. I actually couldn't watch the whole thing. That's criminal.

What they did find uproariously funny was when my 1yr old son performed his famous choke and puke all over me and my new white t-shirt.

Also apparently the Cornhole Championships were being held this weekend somewhere near Columbus. I saw the sign on the Marriott welcoming the event but I really couldn't wrap my brain around what the hell it all meant. When I finally got home and was able to research it a little, my findings were really almost too goddamned funny to report. Turns out there's an American Cornhole Association. You can contact them here. You can host your own cornhole events, become a member, there's no limit to the fun. Just be sure to follow the rules and regulations of the Cornhole Game Association. I'm just saying. It's so damn perfect a sign to see when you're driving home, it's almost not even worth posting about. It's too easy. It's like knowing the pitch before the pitcher throws it. It takes something away from it.

Anyway, this guy on the tv just said Jesus is coming soon so I gotta go pick up a little.

Friday, January 07, 2005

you're fine

it was just a configuration change in the settings. I couldn't find the wrench icon at first. Now I'm good

Thursday, January 06, 2005

the counter

I put a counter on the site today. It's all configurable and it allows you to track unique users only it doesn't. It just tracks every fucking page hit no matter if you just sit there and click refresh or if some jackwipe from Uzcrapistan drops in. What the eff good does that do me? I'm going to go punch some asswipe from I probably have some virus now along with my shitty non functional counter. Thanks jerkwads.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

The D.O.O.D.U

I have a lot of inventions. One of which is the inspiration for the name of my blog. However that's not what this post is about. This post is to inform you of the D.O.O.D.U or Distributed Outdoor Odor Displacement Unit. In general it's a central vacuum system for your home or workplace. More specifically it's designed to connect to DOODU Compatible furniture to evacuate odor. Think about it no more dutch ovens when you buy the Serta Perfect Sleeper Doodu enabled mattress. Got an old granparent who's constantly leaking gas? Make sure you seat them in the Ethan Allen Dooducliner with matching Doodu Ottoman. Feet smell? Not when Doodu is working overtime to keep your home smelling fresh. If you have cats, you're an idiot. But you'll be less of an idiot if you get the New Doodu Litterbox. If you have an interest in more information about the Doodu line of products, email me here. When Doodu's around the smell leaves town!

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Really important post (please read)

Just because you have a snare drum and a harmonica and you know the first line of the chorus of Purple Rain by heart doesn't make you better than me.

You ever have one of those days where you just want to punch a homeless guy right in the face? If so you're not a good person. Second, I'm here to tell you don't do it. You don't know where his face has been. That's the "really important" piece I wanted to tell you.

Now you're anxiously awating an update on my resolutions since it's been a week and that's not going to get old like 2 posts ago. I mean it hasn't been a week but it feels like it's been a week. I haven't made it to work before 8:30 yet. Today I got there at 9:03. That's pretty effing lame and precisely what I had intended not to do when I made the resolutions. On the bright side, regarding the 10 pounds I'm going to drop this year I'm only up 3 pounds since that post. That sounds like I'm on the road to failure but when you compare to previous years, it's a slight improvement. One thing that really is not helping is all the candy. There's like 23 pounds of chocolate in our pod at work. Also, I still have a few star crunches in my drawer from my birthday present from Sarah. If you're not aware of my little debbie problem, I once considered eating an OCP off the ground in pee alley. I mean it was still wrapped so I'm not a freak or anything. You can shut your mouth if you don't like Little Debbies, you bastard. I'll punch you right in the face. Just like I almost did that homeless guy that got to the OCP before me. Really he didn't "get to it" before me, he peed directly on it. It was kinda like when you have your family over for Thanksgiving and you lick the whole Pumpkin pie so they won't eat it. Only this was pee. Anyways, he couldn't help it I guess. He probably thought it was a urinal cake. This is the most retarded post ever. This blog can't go on much longer.

Fantasty football proves to be a total waste of time

Well first of all, I'm 0 for 1 on the getting to work before 8 resolution. Hopefully tomorrow morning the alarm clock won't make me want to kill myself 30 times before I wake up.

Now to the subject of this post. I participated in a lot of fantasy football this year. I was in a total of 5 leagues. 4 Player leagues and 1 pick 'em league. Turns out I'm not good at it. I won one league last year and I guess that gave me the idea that I should be in a lot of leagues. The result was I sucked total baggage in all of them not just in one. Next year I'm probably going to take a year off. I'm just saying Hines Ward blows. Clinton Portis should offer to refund the Redskins his salary. Him showing up in DC this year was worse for the team than Rickey Williams not showing up in Miami. Fantasy football sucks giant weiners. I'm done with it. I think you have to be more of a loser to be good at it. I mean it's hard to be a bigger loser than me, that's why I think not many people are really considered fantasy football experts. Bottom line, unless you look like this guy I think you're better off spending your Sundays reading the Poop Report.

Monday, January 03, 2005

This is hard

I was planning on making this like a daily thing but I'm really way too lazy for that so from now on I'm only going to post something when I feel like it.

Since people always make resolutions around the beginning of a new year I feel obligated to make at least a couple so I will decide right now what those will be. Here they are.

This year I'm going to try to get to my desk at work before 8 at least 3 days a week.
This year I'm going to lose 10 pounds. As of today I weighed 196.5 in my skivvies. (I don't really use that word)
This year I will be more honest with people when I think they're being an idiot.
Since that last one isn't really an improvement, I will also be more quick to give praise where praise is due.
I'm also getting rid of my cats.

That should do it.

Sunday, January 02, 2005


I decided today that blogging is stupid. I think you probably have to be a total loser to have a blog. Also to call it a blog is pretty stupid.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

I'm really the funniest person I know

I decided to create a web log today because I'm really effing funny and this will be a really funny blog. Or else this will be the only post on my blog and then in a few months Blogspot will revoke my account because it hasn't been used since today. It's January 1st 2005. Every time I see the date today I think somebody hasn't set the date on whatever it is I'm looking at that says the date. Don't correct my grammar or say that the way I write is convoluted or difficult to understand because 1. you're an idiot and B. I'm totally sweet.