Wednesday, August 31, 2005

me and my bub

This is me and my buddy the J-Man.
He's going to draft my fantasy football team for me this year.
He can't possibly do worse than I did last year.

Monday, August 29, 2005

set your TiVo's

Holy crap is today going to be a great day for TiVo owners. Hurricane Katrina is making landfall this morning/afternoon and there will undoubtedly be countless TV douches out in the storm reporting on it. This is going to be one for the ages. I predict at least one of these effing douchebags will be physically thrown by the storm during a live feed. If you capture that with your TiVo..... Internet GOLD! Good luck all.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Closer needed

does anyone really think Bob Wickman ever has any legitimate reason to set foot on a major league baseball field? Goddammit Indians, you had a real closer and couldn't bring home the series please for the love of god don't make the playoffs with this fatpile serving up fat ones every time he takes the goddamned field.

Christ! Howry went the 8th untouched. Send him the fuck back out there and get the win.

GODDDAMMIT! I hate Cleveland sports.

Here's a picture from when he was in better shape right before spring training this year.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Objectionable content my ass

What the fuck is this?
This new flag is objectionable to me.
Don't read blogs if you're a fucking pansy.

cropduster, long island iced tea and tittyman

I tried to post drunk last night. I don't know what happened but I know this, I was effing trashed. I probably would have said some things on the blog that are better off lost. I bet it would have looked like this.

"i lfove you guys. If cuking sied I lvoew you lnot because I' m fujing drink bute you knwo ewhi"

I've been working at Tittyman (the road it's on sounds like Tittyman and the vendor referred to it as such) all week. No lunch pals no funny lunch stories. Although the vendor I was working with all week is a pretty cool guy. That is until he cropdusted me yesterday and then walked away leaving me there to toil away in the stenchcloud. After awhile I couldn't decide whether it still stunk or I had just gotten used to it. I'm sure at least one person thinks it was me that shit my pants. It wasn't. At least not this time.

So I have a bad habit of drinking moderately all night and then finishing the night off with something assinine. Last night was no exception. I had about eleventy five beers before I decided I should finish strong with a fucking long island iced tea. FLIIT as I like to call it because my common sense goes the flight route of the fight or flight scenario. Fuck you long island iced tea you bitch. My fucking head and stomach are still not right.

So I almost had to recite Scott's tourette's rant out loud today when after 6 weeks of working on a problem the vendor of the product informed us that we were running an unsupported version of the software it runs on. I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU. I almost gave 'em the ol' Tarantino director's cut right there. AHOLES.

I'll get back to this bloggin pretty soon. Peace out mother shitting piece of ass bitches.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

We are the champions (kinda)

I play softball. I've played for about 18 sorry years. During the prime years of my so called athleticism I played poorly for as many as 4 teams at the same time. But now it's been reduced to one Sunday morning men's team. It gives me a chance to get out of the house without the kids for a few hours and counts at least in some small part as exercise. This was our second year playing in this league. Our team is a mish mosh of guys I've played with forever and some guys I've only met in the last year since playing in this league. I play outfield. I've played every position on the field for one team or another along the way but I was made for outfield on account of I'm afraid of line drives.

This year I played right field and right center field. For the most part I personally fielded and hit worse than normal all year. Which leads me to how we won the championship.

2 weeks ago after winning the front and back of our final doubleheader of the season I went to my friend's house to hang out and eat pizza. As I was preparing to leave I decided we should play some football to burn off the pizza. 6 touchdowns and a lot of running later I tore my right hamstring.

And so I watched from the bench as my team swept the first week of playoffs and rolled the only remaining team in the championship game today. It looked so easy.

We never ever win....ever. In those 18 years I referred to earlier, I've come in 2nd place at least 40 times. No matter how much better we seem than the other team, somehow we always find a way to lose the big game but today the softball gods shined on us and let us have one and I have to think now that somehow I'm the one the softball gods really hate.

I think it's time for me to retire. I can always talk about how I "went out on top" and how we "won our last 8 games" and how I "like to wear women's panties".... whoa yeah maybe not that. Anyway, years from now, nobody will need to know that I was on the IR when it all went down. I've got the league champions shirt to prove I was on the team and I signed the game ball. This is the stuff legends are made of.

On a completely unrelated note, this really hot girl named Shawna commented on my blog because she obviously realized just like the rest of you how awesome I am and by awesome I mean totally sweet. So I feel it's my duty to link to her but more importantly as a friend to let you guys know that there are pictures of her on her blog so you should go check it out.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Listen up bitches

First of all, work is ass.
Second, Blogger is ass. I had words in that last post when I posted it, blogger chose to just post the title. Whatever

Third and this is the real reason for my post. Today I wanted to make a dessert worthy of The Food Network and I'm really lazy but I always have a variety of Little Debbies in the pantry. My wife also loves Ruggles Moose Tracks Ice Cream which I'm not even sure I've ever had before but holy crap it's awesome. Okay, but not as awesome as what I'm about to tell you.

Read all the directions first. Don't try to read while you're making it or it will take too long and suck.

So you get little Debbie Brownies. I have the Cosmic ones're fine ....Little Debbie is smokin too much weed. So you take 1/2 of the brownie (it already has a line to divide it) then you put it in a bowl and microwave it for 30 seconds. I know your microwave is a really good one and right now you're saying "that's way too much in my great microwave. My microwave is 35,000 Watts, his probably isn't that good so I'm only going to put it in for 15 seconds cuz if I do 30 seconds it will catch on fire." Shut up assrider. Just follow the goddamned recipe. 30 seconds. When you take it out it's going to smell really good and it will try to make you eat it right there. Don'tdo it. a.) it's like totally hot as fuck molten fucking lava right now and b.) I just told you not to eat it so follow the recipe already. Goddamn.

Now get out the Ruggles Moose Tracks.
Put 2 Big or 3 Small scoops of it on the molten hot Little Debbie. (I bolded that shit or you'd eff it up)
That's not the first time I've referrred to LD as molten hot by the way. I call her LD. You don't have that kind of relationship with her so you're jealous right now but you have to move on because this baby is almost ready to eat. Yeah I said it, this molten hot Little Debbie is almost ready to eat.

Now you need to drizzle a little Hershey's Chocolate Syrup. I said a little. You're probably one of those Chocolate Syrup Hors that always over does it. I know you. You over-chocolating bastard just do it like I said.

Now if you read all the directions first and then made it, it will be the perfect temperature to consume right after the drizzle my nizzle.

You can thank me after you try it. If you don't like it, punch yourself in the eustachian tube for me because you didn't listen to me.

Monday, August 08, 2005

driving in

From now on when I drive in to work, I'm going to find someone in a Trailblazer and follow them.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

TAG (Talented and Gifted)

When I finished tagging Sarah she tagged me:

10 years ago:
I was engaged
I was 175lbs
I was blending fish livers at work in an Oster blender.
I was in the best shape of my life.

5 years ago:
I was finally a senior in college
I was officially working as a computer dork
I was 190 lbs
I tore one of my 4 quad muscles completely in half
I didn't fully realize how simple life without kids truly was

1 year ago:
Work was awesome
I finally got back under 200 lbs

I watched my kid run in the hose in her underwear while the neighbor girl held it and then stand with her back to the neighbor and her hands on on her butt saying "you wash my booty"

I'm going to sit on the back patio swing and listen to my iPod

I enjoy:
Pizza, beer, friends, wine, women and song

5 bands/artists that I know the lyrics to most of their songs:
Sting, Phil Collins, Maroon 5, Matchbox 20, Journey

5 things I'd do with $100,000,000:
start a company hire the lunch/blog crew and make it our jobs to sit around and tell stories at lunch.
pay off the homes of my family and friends
take a month long cruise to Europe with my friends and family and a nanny
finish my basement as a theater
buy a seat in the World Series of Poker

5 locations I'd like to run away to:
Napa Valley
St Thomas
Trunk Bay
Someplace in Canada

5 bad habits I have:
Eating at night
Staying up too late
Leaving my clothes on the floor next to the bed right where I take them off
coughing/clearing my throat
saying "turd burglar" on conference calls at work

5 things I like doing:
my wife
driving my car at night with the moonroof open
listening to old music
playing poker
fantasy football

5 things I will never wear:
gay sweaters
flip flops
a speedo (unless it's red white and blue at D's halloween party)
leather pants
silk boxers

5 TV shows I like (I went with all time vs just current):

5 movies I like:
Shawshank Redemption
Midnight Run
Say Anything

5 people I'd like to meet:
Bill Gates
Thomas Edison
Wil Ferrell
Thomas Jefferson
Me in 4th grade

5 biggest joys at the moment:
Kristin & Joshy
Hanging with the lunch crew
Sitting outside at night with Leah and a drink
Going out to dinner with friends without kids or even spending 5 minutes without kids whining
My parents refinance

5 favorite toys:
Dell Inspiron 5100 w/wireless high speed internet
57" Hitachi Ultravision
VW Jetta GLX

I tag Carly and Lizzie