Thursday, September 29, 2005

Eat a cock Reverend Tom

You rat bastard. This is my url. I moved you to you buttpirate.

Monday, September 26, 2005

my hizzos

(there's more where these came from)

the bonfire - I took this picture with my fans while I was hammered

I Probably Hate You - Shop Dungs - Okay Seriously

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Hurricane Rant

Okay I have a few more things. Here they go.

1. Don't pray for your safety. Get the fuck out... I heard some lady on the radio on the way home. She was from Galveston and had decided to stick it out for the old Category 5er. While being interviewed she said "me, my 10 year old son and my 5 year old daughter are going to stay here. No, we're not ready for it but I'm praying and I think god will take care of us." Here's a hint. GOD IS taking care of you. That's why he put weather people on the TV to tell you to get the eff out of there, asswipe. NOW GET THE EFF OUT OF THERE!

2. It ain't global warming asspirate. Michael Moore you're so effing worthless. Why can't your fat, sorry, cheese-clogged aorta stop fueling your big sweaty mouth with the energy to say retarded shit. Hurricanes happen always have always will. You get winded from eating a cheeseburger. I think your weight problem is the root of global warming and hurricanes. I guarantee George Bush is to blame for your being a fat fuck somehow. Bush sucks. We get it. Go do something productive like go to Galveston and jog around in circles in the opposite direction of the hurricane.

That lady from Galveston reminds me of a joke.
There was warning of a huge flood and as the water started coming a man in a truck drove past a ladies house and asked if she'd like a ride to higher ground. She said "no thank you, god will take care of me." Then as the water rose she was forced to the second floor of her house and a man in a boat drove by and asked if she'd like a ride to higher ground. "no thank you, god will take care of me" she replied. As the water rose even higher she was forced to her roof and a helicopter flew over and dropped a rope down to her. She waved to the pilot and said "no thanks, god will take care of me" and promptly drowned. When she got to heaven she asked god why he had allowed her to drown and god said "I sent you a truck, a boat and a helicopter, what more did you want from me, you worthless pile of ass currency."

I'm pretty sure the moral of the story obviously is supposed to be that there's no such thing as god. Or something like that.

There's a studio apartment waiting for me in hell.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

I'm a bad drunk

Man lately when I drink I'm a total ass. I mean maybe it was always the case and I'm just realizing it. Anyhoo, to Steph and the remaining sober occupants of the car, I apologize for my final display of complete loss of self control as you were leaving. I blame Sarah. Seriously though as I was approaching the car and still had some composure, the Hornsby line was going to be the funniest delivery ever. Unfortunately since I was drunk and I really love myself a lot when I'm drunk, I heard it before I got it out and completely lost it. That was precious from your perspective I'm sure as I slobbered and laughed uncontrollably at something you never even got to hear. I have pictures though and most of them came out pretty good.

Anyway, thanks for coming and partying with me. It was fun before I started acting like an ass.

Leah, once again, I'm sorry you have to be married to me.

Friday, September 16, 2005



Saturday, 7:30 my house.

We have a lot of beer leftover from the reunion. It's all mainstream stuff, no microbrews or crazy stuff. If you want food besides like chips and stuff bring it. I will grill it for you. If you want food like chips and stuff, bring that too probably.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

for mel

I got tagged by Mel and since I've been sucking lately at posting anything I decided this counts as something

7 Things I Plan to do Before I Die:
1. Make a will
2. Start a company
3. Parachute out of a plane (maybe immediately before)
4. Hold public office
5. two chicks at once
6. babysit grandkids
7. see the Grand Canyon

7 Things I Can Do:
1. Build a computer
2. Build a garage
3. Make you shoot pop out your nose
4. Shower 4 times in a day
5. Diff Eq's
6. Fix almost anything
7. Throw a spiral

7 Things I Cannot Do:
1. Pee with an audience
2. Play the piano
3. Sing like Josh Groban
4. Russ's girlfriend
5. Two chicks at once
6. Fly a plane
7. Hit my driver.

7 Things That Attract me to the Opposite (or same) Sex:
1. Sense of humor/Sarcasm
2. Intelligence
3. Eyes
4. Dark Hair
5. Sweet Rack
6. Legs
7. Smile

7 Things That I Say Most Often:
1. What's up bitches?
2. Eat a cock
3. WTF
4. shut your piehole
5. brosef
6. mother shitter piece of bitch
7. uh...what the hell bro

7 Celebrity Crushes:
1. Keira Knightly
2. Vince Vaughn
3. Will Ferrell
4. Evangeline Lilly
5. Natalie Portman
6. Terri Hatcher
7. Sandra Bullock

7 People I Want To Do This:
1. Sarah
2. Danielle
3. Scott
4. Carly
5. Johnny
6. Toren
7. Liz

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

lighten up a bit

My last post generated a lot of commentary most of it mutually respectful and I appreciate that. A lot of people get emotional about national news whatever the source and I appreciate the fact that the comments were for the most part intellectual insight vs emotional rants.

That being said, it's obviously time to get back to talking about poop and balls and stuff. So I'm shifting gears to get back to the real reason people come here, which is obviously to lose control of your bowels from laughing too hard.

I was talking with my dad the other night about when he was a kid which is awesome because it's like going back in time. He has such a good memory and the details he includes are usually hilarious if you can follow it all. Anyway we got to talking about groceries and grocery stores and he was sharing with me how things were when he was a kid. For example, they didn't have a deli in the grocery store. Pretty much the store was the deli. The only things they went to the grocery store for when he was a kid were meat and some canned goods that weren't things a normal family would make themselves. For example peanut butter. Aside from that stuff most of their food was grown by him and his mom and then canned by them at the end of the growing season. He would pack up potatoes in burlap sacks in quantities that were small enough that he could carry the bags into the crawl space of the house that he and his mom built. They would can tomatoes, corn, beans, peas whatever. Then they would eat it all during the winter and repeat the process the following year. Somehow my dad got to talking about lunchmeat and he was saying that they didn't have much selection back in those days. It was either, bologna or salami or pickle loaf. Mostly gross stuff and that got me to thinking about things that didn't really exist in my childhood memories.

Buffalo wings were the first thing I thought of. Holy crap I love buffalo wings, buffalo tenders, buffalo chicken dip, buffalo everything. I think I would cry if I woke up tomorrow and buffalo sauce didn't exist and never existed. What if that happened? What if you woke up tomorrow and your favorite thing never existed? It was just something you dreamt. I have no idea how to make buffalo sauce from scratch but I'm going to figure it out soon before this ends up being a dream and I'm left crying about something nobody's ever heard of.

Friday, September 02, 2005


I'm not even sure I will post this. I'm so thoroughly annoyed by so many things right now that I don't know if I can logically express these things in a socially acceptable politically correct manner. However I just need to get it out.

I will preface by saying that I feel really bad for the people affected by hurricane Katrina. I feel most bad for the ones who simply didn't have the means to get out of harms way. I don't however feel bad for any jackass that gets on tv and starts mouthing off about political bullshit during a time of crisis. I don't feel that bad for millionaires who chose to live 18ft below sea level. I don't feel that bad for people with really nice houses who are stuck in them with water up to the second floor because they refused to heed the warnings. There's a pretty good chance I wouldn't heed the warning of severe weather coming but I will never blame someone else when I'm stuck on the roof of my house someday because I refused to listen to the warnings. Although around here the fucking weather reports are so goddamned relentless that they will interrupt the last 5 minutes of the season finale of your favorite show to inform you that there might be a light dusting of snow for the morning commute, so they better fucking be all up ons when a hurricane is going to bury my house in water. The weather people are like people that play the same lottery numbers every day. You're kinda stuck playing them every day forever because you can't bear the thought of not playing them and having them hit. Weather people have established a history of exaggerrating the effects of weather so if there really is a terrible disaster coming they better fucking be telling us about it.

So I'm a little off topic here because what I really want to discuss is the refugees and Kanye West. I'm just baffled and depressed by how racism becomes a factor in everything. I really don't believe racism factors into half of the events that get accused of it. Not enough black head coaches in the NFL.... must be racism at play. Not enough black Quarterbacks.... definitely racism. Ty got booted off of Rockstar INXS and gave a really empassioned and totally racist departure speech because obviously it was racism that led to his departure. And now at the forefront of it all is the disaster in the south. Federal aid and public support seemingly aren't happening as fast as they should...... without a doubt it's obviously racism. George Bush must be a racist because Kanye West derailed a fund raising concert to declare it.

You know who's a racist? KANYE WEST! Fuck you asswipe. A whole host of amzing caring people with great intentions put together an amazingly powerful fund raising concert simulcast on all 3 NBC stations to raise money for a really important cause and all you have to say is basically America and George Bush don't care about black people. How fucking stupid can you be. Nothing extinguishes the spirit of giving like a racist moron getting on tv to make political statements at the expense of people in such dire need of help. The only saving grace is, although you asked me specifically to imagine that it was you out there suffering, I ignored you. I imagine the people suffering are normal people like me not racist fucking millionaires that have no ties to reality whatsoever. I'm not talking about the people who are stranded either. Those people are in an emotionally unstable state and don't have the luxury right now of knowing the magnitude of the disaster. So they say uninformed things that frankly the news media should have the common sense to keep off the television. But as a public figure with access to all the facts, if you're so dumb that you can't understand how detrimental your racist political statements are to the public spirit of giving, then please just stay off the damn television.

GODDAMMIT. Nearly a million people are homeless. It's going to take time to provide aid in a strategic successful effort. People are there. People are helping. The government is helping. The weather people made it clear (at least to me) that New Orleans was in dire straits at least 3 days before the storm hit groundfall. You know what happens if you just set out to deliver enough food for 1000 people to a convention center with 20,000 people in it. You get a riot. Things have to be thought out and executed in a rational plan and it takes time even for the "magical" federal government to mount that strategy to help a a city of a million people who are now in the 18 feet of water.

Please don't misunderstand me. I am as hearbroken and saddened by the tragedy as anyone. I really urge everyone to give whatever they can manage to help the cause.

Here are some easy ways to give money:
Red Cross via Yahoo Stores
Red Cross Direct
Salvation Army

Good people care about the people who are in need in the south. Good people are doing everything they can to help. Good people are offering their homes to strangers. I'm just frankly really tired of racists leading the charge against it.