Monday, May 30, 2005

Texas Hold Me

I played a real game on Party Poker tonight. I had some of the most ridiculous luck ever. Which was not well received by one of my fellow players. I highlighted in red where it started to get crazy. Notice where I also highlight holak finished fifth and then how he proceeds to keep talking. Most people leave the table when they lose but this guy wanted me to die. Here's the transcript. I think it's pretty effing funny but maybe I'm just tired.

#2131777358: rediscreet wins 740 chips from the main pot with a straight, seven to jack.
scarecrow41: nh
Dealer: The Progressive High Hand Jackpot has been hit on table High Hand Jackpot #1028376. tar0516 won $1339.44. The total jackpot paid on the table is $1913.46.
duderguy: dont want none
Dealer: Your time bank will become active in less than 20 seconds. If you do not want it to be used, please act now.
duderguy: give it up
duderguy: it's mine
#2131785064: jmanpain wins 828 chips from the main pot with two pairs, jacks and tens.
#2131785064: duderguy wins 827 chips from the main pot with two pairs, jacks and tens.
#2131797189: jmanpain wins 420 chips
#2131803100: scarecrow41 wins 990 chips from the main pot with three of a kind, tens.
Dealer: oxieif has been reconnected and has 20 seconds to act.
#2131808458: Yankee_Dawg wins 100 chips from side pot #1 with a flush, king high with jack kicker.
#2131808458: Yankee_Dawg wins 1415 chips from the main pot with a flush, king high with jack kicker.
Dealer: Donmega222 finished in tenth place.
#2131816132: ryan_ace wins 350 chips
#2131822576: duderguy wins 494 chips from the main pot with two pairs, sevens and fours.
#2131832950: oxieif wins 180 chips
#2131837924: luckycoins wins 630 chips from the main pot with two pairs, aces and nines.
#2131842640: jmanpain wins 90 chips from the main pot with a pair of kings.
#2131842640: luckycoins wins 90 chips from the main pot with a pair of kings.
#2131847863: duderguy wins 319 chips
duderguy: all in
#2131854042: jmanpain wins 390 chips from the main pot with a straight, ten to ace.
#2131861567: scarecrow41 wins 420 chips
#2131865635: oxieif wins 185 chips
#2131870071: scarecrow41 wins 255 chips
#2131878197: Yankee_Dawg wins 420 chips
#2131882193: duderguy wins 1764 chips
#2131890427: oxieif wins 665 chips
#2131894849: duderguy wins 560 chips from the main pot with two pairs, kings and eights.
#2131901806: ryan_ace wins 275 chips
#2131904745: rediscreet wins 675 chips
#2131918801: ryan_ace wins 655 chips
#2131921939: holak wins 525 chips from the main pot with a pair of tens.
#2131927448: rediscreet wins 475 chips from the main pot with a pair of aces.
Dealer: luckycoins finished in ninth place.
#2131930571: scarecrow41 wins 450 chips
#2131934560: duderguy wins 400 chips
#2131940246: scarecrow41 wins 275 chips
#2131948835: Yankee_Dawg wins 200 chips
Dealer: Your time bank will become active in less than 20 seconds. If you do not want it to be used, please act now.
#2131951989: jmanpain wins 1225 chips from the main pot with a pair of kings.
#2131959242: ryan_ace wins 275 chips
#2131962613: Yankee_Dawg wins 740 chips from the main pot with a pair of fives.
#2131965742: holak wins 1020 chips
#2131969629: jmanpain wins 250 chips from the main pot with a flush, ace high with ace kicker.
#2131974155: ryan_ace wins 520 chips from the main pot with a pair of eights.
#2131976748: holak wins 1170 chips
#2131978703: scarecrow41 wins 525 chips
#2131980841: rediscreet wins 300 chips
#2131984649: oxieif wins 730 chips from the main pot with a pair of queens with ten kicker.
#2131987048: Yankee_Dawg wins 700 chips from the main pot with a pair of nines.
#2131990492: jmanpain wins 830 chips from side pot #2 with a flush, jack high with jack kicker.
#2131990492: jmanpain wins 840 chips from side pot #1 with a flush, jack high with jack kicker.
#2131990492: jmanpain wins 1780 chips from the main pot with a flush, jack high with jack kicker.
Dealer: ryan_ace finished in eighth place.
Dealer: Yankee_Dawg finished in seventh place.
Dealer: scarecrow41 finished in sixth place.
holak: bunch of stupid asssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
yank this yankee doodle dandy
scarecrow41: gg
#2131996563: jmanpain wins 1300 chips from the main pot with two pairs, jacks and sixes.
#2132003243: jmanpain wins 1540 chips from the main pot with three of a kind, jacks.
Dealer: holak finished in fifth place.
#2132006070: duderguy wins 2 chips from side pot #1 with two pairs, aces and nines.
#2132006070: rediscreet wins 996 chips from the main pot with two pairs, aces and nines with eight kicker.
#2132010201: oxieif wins 730 chips
#2132013269: jmanpain wins 1460 chips from the main pot with a flush, ace high.
Dealer: oxieif finished in fourth place.
oxieif: sooo lucky
holak: like i said callin with that bunch of lucky dumb asssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
keep on doin that sht and youll get your asssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssseeesssssssssssssssssssssss whiped by your mmmmoooooommmmmmmmyyyyyyyyyyy cheap assssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss 5 dollar loooooooooooosssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
eeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrs no comment and sht the fk up
oxieif: so lucky
#2132015450: jmanpain wins 2132 chips from the main pot with a straight, ten to ace.
Dealer: duderguy finished in third place and won $10.
oxieif: soooo lucky
holak: nice one dk hd
#2132019803: rediscreet wins 1592 chips from the main pot with a flush, king high with king kicker.
#2132022855: jmanpain wins 300 chips
#2132023991: jmanpain wins 1200 chips from the main pot with a pair of sevens.
#2132027954: jmanpain wins 108 chips from side pot #1 with two pairs, fours and threes.
#2132027954: jmanpain wins 1784 chips from the main pot with two pairs, fours and threes.
Dealer: rediscreet finished in second place and won $15.
Dealer: Congratulations,jmanpain! You won $25.
holak: n card playin pain man go back to schoolllllll and learn and not in 5 dollar table go get yer assssssssssss whiped for bigger money dk hd
jmanpain: take is easy chief
Dealer: This tournament has finished, congratulations to the winners.
jmanpain: I from Yugoslavia

Friday, May 27, 2005

increase your length and girth

Man I get so much effing spam and it's all about the size of my penis or its performance. These companies can't be doing well. Weiner growth pills and cheap viagara? I mean if there's a target market for their over the counter penile growth hormones I have to be at the bullseye and I've never once considered that maybe an unsolicited email holds the key to my future as a porn star.

On a side note I was at the urologist yesterday and while I stood there wondering if I was even in the right place the receptionist was on the phone with Mr. Vasquez and he was very interested in some Viagara samples. Apparently he had gotten them there before. So if you need some maybe just hit the urologist circuit for freebies and forget about email.

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Anyway, ease up with the giant cock emails spammers. I'm not buying any pills from you. Eat a cock. A tiny one maybe but a cock nonetheless.

Monday, May 23, 2005

My Band

I think if I ever start my own band I'm going to call it "Your Mom." And my first single will be "The Skin Flute."

Sunday, May 22, 2005

How did I get here?

I've had a poopload of pretty diverse jobs in my "young" life. I thought the ol' blog would be a fun place for me to try to remember every job I've had since I started working. This is a list of all the jobs I've done. You can see how my job history was obviously geared towards a career in information technology.

The list is chronological and shows
My age - Job description - duration
  1. 12 - farming/bailing hay-straw/shoveling shit - 3 years
  2. 15 - greenhouse helper for a flower shop - 1 day
  3. 16 - building and grounds maintenance for a trucking distribution center - summer
  4. 16 - grocery bagger/carryout/stockboy for IGA - 2 years
  5. 18 - transfer press operator for GM Lumina Minivan - 30 days nonstop
  6. 19 - parking office clerk at college - 3 years during school
  7. 19 - silk screen printing shop die press operator - summer
  8. 20 - Stockboy for Dave's - 1 year
  9. 21 - sheet metal sheer operator for welding fabrication shop - 1 year
  10. 22 - environmental testing lab technician - 2 years
  11. 24 - machine repairman - 1.5 years
  12. 26 - CAD Draftsman - 1.5 years
  13. 27 - Network Administrator - 3 years (also Dad)
  14. 30 - Systems Analyst - 3 years (also Dad again)

I know I know..... who gives a crap. Well, if you need t-shirts for your softball team, purified gas, a near perfect vacuum, a soil separator shaker, water or soil tested for PCB's and VOC's, a good brush hog guy, or a pig stall cleaned. I'm you're man. Also if you have computer problems or a problem with your golf cart I can help you with that too.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Letter for bathroom guy (stolen from Sarah)

Hey bathroom guy that was just in there when I went pee. Take it easy with all the noises and heavy breathing. I get that you're in the stall. A simple cough accomplishes the notification. Trust me I know you're in there and I'm not coming in there but now you're grossing me out what with all the breathing and grunting and stuff. Unless you're wanking in there be quiet. And b.) don't be wanking in there.


Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Doctor Ignacio J. Ocasio
aka "Doc Oc" passed away suddenly and unexpectedly this weekend.

He was an amazing guy and a great pianist. A truly beautiful person in every sense. He was without question the greatest teacher/professor I've ever had the privilege of knowing. He was the first professor I met at Case. He taught freshman chemistry in a lecture hall of 250 students and knew my name the very first day of class and never forgot it. He promised to learn every single name before the semester was over. I don't think it ever took him longer than two weeks. Although he absolutely knew my name he called me Prentikov, his own version of my last name. I don't know why but whenever he said it I laughed as did the other 249 people in the room. I sat between my roommates Mike and Mike and he referred to us as a Prentikov sandwich on Mike bread.

I'm sure that everyone felt special to this guy but he had a way of making you feel like the one student he really truly cared about. He was a big strong guy and I'm sure he had one of those bone crushing grips in reserve if he ever needed it but his handshake was a warm inviting one that made you glad you stopped in to talk to him if you ever did. His smile and laugh were infectious and he could somehow make a cold classroom full of strangers feel like family in his first lecture of the semester.

I stopped to visit my old boss on campus a few years back and he was the only other person I made a special effort to locate while I was there. I walked up to where his office was 7 years earlier when I attended Case and he was right there grading exams. I wasn't sure if he'd remember me but I walked in anyway. He barely looked up from the papers and with his classic smooth Puerto Rican drawl belted out "Prentikov, take a look at dis. What'n the world do you think dis guy was thinking right here?" It was like he just expected me to be there. It was surreal. I looked at the test, laughed a little and said something dumb like "well that's obviously 2-4 Cis Chiki -3 Trans Butyl Hexane so I have no idea what he was thinking." He laughed his classic Doc Oc rumble and then said "how'n the hell are you, Prentikov?!" "How are the Mikes?"

He was only 53. Way too young to be gone.

I miss you Doc. I wish I'd had a chance to say goodbye. A lot of people truly loved you and I am honored to have been one of them.


Sunday, May 15, 2005

Dream Interpretation

I don't remember my dreams much but I'm guessing whatever I do in my dreams is pretty impressive because every morning I wake to a rousing standing ovation in my shorts.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Happy Mother's Day

This is sort of an apology/thank you to moms of the world for being the comeback line of the milennium. "Your mom" is the greatest response to any question you don't feel like answering even if it's your brother or your mom asking the question.

For example:

my brother: "what are you doing in my room?"
me: "your mom"

my mom: "what is taking you so long?"
me: "your mom"

Sarah: "are you going to lunch today?"
me: "yes"
Sarah: "awesome"
me: "yes it is awesome"
Sarah: "what are you eating?"
me: "your mom"

Danielle: "let's do this"
me: "your mom?"

Scott: (in meeting with me) "this is never going to end"
me: "that's what your mom said last night"

Erik: "is there anything to do in Cleveland on the weekends?"
me: "your mom"

In closing, I would just like to thank "your mom" for being the greatest comeback in the history of dialogue. I had the misfortune of using "your mom" in my first ever instant message conversation with Johnny V. several years back. It went something like this.

me: hey man I have a question about ....(some work thing)
jv: ok what is it?
(several minutes pass while I try to figure out what the hell to even ask so I don't sound retarded)
jv: what the h are you doing?
me: your mom
(several more long minutes of silence pass forcing me to walk over to ask Scott if I maybe I said something I shouldn't have)
(discussion with Scott confirms that I have once again stuffed my foot in my giant mouth and if you read JV's mother's day post you'll understand just how assinine I felt)
(I return to my desk to find this)
jv: haha good one

Thanks for not hating me JV.

Friday, May 06, 2005

For LoLo

This is for when you want to be subtle in the office
when there's like one restroom for the whole place.
It's 2 sided in case your office is multilingual.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Family Suckit


I'm not as concerned about software piracy as I am about butt piracy.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Poop quantity/Number of Wipes to Achieve Cleanliness = Poop Satisfaction Factor (PSF)

The superfun linkhunt
I realized last week or maybe sometime before that and discussed with Sarah and John Virgil my latest mathematical revelation. It was obvious really. It boils down to mankind's desire to reduce the bloaty fat feeling associated with needed to take a big ol' poop and also his desire to prevent monkey ass. In other words the feeling of walking around with a poorly wiped dookie butt is undesired.

The revelation is simple and it is this. I believe a person can achieve maximum satisfaction in voiding the bowels when my PSF equation is maximized.

I know that some buttsmeller* out there is going to claim the possibility of division by zero therefore violating some mathematical laws etc. However I claim that in order to really know that your shit was such a clean drop that it literally required 0 wipes, you would in effect be required to make the lone diagnostic wipe that comes out clean and thus, as it requires at least one wipe to determine sufficient wiping, there is no division by zero and my contemporaries in mathematics can rest easy.

So what's the value? Well none really unless I give you some methodology for maximizing your PSF. And that my friends as you well know is precisely my area of expertise.

Some people believe that regularity is something to strive for. That's fine, but more important than clockwork regularity (i.e. I shit every morning at 5AM on the button**) is the calendarwork regularity (i.e. I shit once every 3 days)

Maximum volume I believe is achieved through 2 means. Fiber intake and sheer quantity intake obviously factoring in frequency.

I believe I have also observed through experience that if I wait a bit longer than I would like before evacuating, so long as I avoid the shart possibilities, my stools seem to require less wiping.

I believe there is room for improvement on the factor such as normalization. Meaning if Shamus normally requires 30 wipes to be clean and John normally requires only 3, Shamus would gain roughly the same increase in satisfaction by requiring 10 less wipes as John reducing his wipe workload by a mere 1 wipe. Also, some tool artificially reducing wipes by simply "spreading the peanut butter" and not actually finishing the job also invalidates the ratio.

So it might look more like:

When I get published.

* one who smells of butt odor
** Thankfully I don't since I don't get up until 6:30 or so.