Monday, January 29, 2007

What's more pale, you or my butt?

I sent this to Jim Gaffigan through his myspace page.

Dear Jim,

My friends and I would like to hang out with you before the show in Lakewood OH. Have your people call my people. And by my people I mean just call me I guess because I don't have any people unless you count Sarah and Danielle. We will be at Diane and Drew's house in Lakewood. I will be legendary if I can make this happen. Even if you're only there for 10 minutes, it will be long enough for them to realize that I am awesome and for you to realize that we are losers. We're all roughly the same age as you although you have less hair. My friend Chris is whiter than you even though he's black. Sarah will try to make out with you, I will tell your wife that it was all her though so you won't get in trouble. Danielle will definitely try to give you vodka, it could make the show easier if you have some of that. My wife Leah will definitely make out with you if Danielle gets to her first with that vodka. I sure hope you can stop by even just for a quick Three Cheese and Chicken Quesadilla Hot Pocket Tm. Let me know what time you can come.


Friday, January 26, 2007

Shameless Plug

I'm not usually a shamless blog plugging whore especially in a blog entry but my good friend Dale has a new site to display his photography. I enjoyed it and I know he'd appreciate any feedback from any of you fellow blogfolk if you're so incline. I'll be back shortly with a drunk post about ass shaving, guns, fire and disposable swim pants soon.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Shavin' a hair butt....2 bits

Ok so you voted for bleached ass, however the actual teaser was "Don't shave your butt (or bleach it)" Luckily for you my loyal readers I have both bleached and shaved my butt so your vote was not wasted.

I suppose most people when you think of shaving your butt would imagine hair removal from the cheeks, likewise I'd guess when people hear "bleached ass" they probably think of bleaching the hair or the dark colored skin around the anus. I guess this is big in Hollywood these days. People in Hollywood are weirdos.

Since I'm obviously not some hollywood freakshow I did not shave my cheeks or bleach my anus, I bleached my cheeks and shaved my anus and these are obviously both completely normal. These two "experiments" occurred roughly 25 years apart.

The bleaching as I recall really isn't that much of a story. Probably about a year ago I sat on something that wasn't up to my standards of cleanliness while I wasn't wearing pants. I don't exactly recall the circumstances. I'm pretty sure Sarah does, however so maybe she'll mention it in the comments section. Anyway, I was concerned that there might be some residual germs or whatever on my cheeks so I decided to scrub them with Softscrub with bleach to ensure their cleanliness. I have some germ/cleanliness issues. I'm pretty sure it's not a good idea to Softscrub your ass cheeks but it gave me the necessary peace of mind to sleep that night.

The butthole shaving is a whole different kind of story. This one unlike the cheek bleaching is the direct result of my germ/cleanliness issues. As a young lad back in the pre-premoistened wipes days I struggled with the idea that a person was expected to poop and then drag a dry sheet of toilet tissue through their hairy ass and call it clean. This was especially troubling since the hair on my ass was a fairly recent acquisition. No I didn't get an anus hair transplant, I was a young lad I said. Hair just started growing in places. Anyway, I decided that it was a stupid design -the putting of hair on my butthole- so I took matters into my own hands, and by matters I mean an old school Gillette Twin Blade.

I fixed the problem but there was an unfortunate side effect. See I think about the time you start growin' hair in weird places you also start sweating in those same places. The hair actually acts as a sort of separator that allows the cooling drying air to pass freely through the region. What I had imagined would be a luxuriously clean and comfortable buttcrack became a slickery mess of sweaty gliding cheeks. The only thing worse than wiping a hairy ass with dry paper is the feeling of never having completely wiped that goes along with a silky smooth sweaty b-crack. It was ill-advised.

So there you have it, I shaved my butthole one time. That's a number that I can assure you will never change.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Stories on tap

I got some stories to blog for you guys. I decided to make a list of a handful of these stories and then let you guys vote. Then I will post the story that receives the most votes. Then either I will make a new list and we'll vote again or I'll just go in descending order of votes. Here's the list.

Corn in the tub (thanks to Hugh Janus)
Don't shave your butt (or bleach it)
Let's play guns
Playing football with Mr. Glass
Keithus Christ wins the least splash contest
Sweating to the oldies with Dan and Keith in a half bath

Vote it up bitches.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Holy Crap

The Boise State vs Oklahoma Fiesta Bowl was the greatest football game I've ever watched. What a fantastic ending to a fantastic game. I'm so glad Boise State finished their season undefeated once again begging college football for something better than the shitpiece BCS popularity contest. Way to go Boise State I knew you had it in you.