Picking the winners really couldn't be simpler than it will be this year in the 2006 Academy Awards. If there's one thing AMPAS loves more than a cowboy movie, it's a cowboy movie with great cinematography. If there's one thing they love more than both of those things it's the gays. That's what I call the Brokeback Mountain trifecta. This triumvirate of Oscar gold guarantees the most severe and heinous beating ever delivered by a single film at the Oscars. This troika of Cowboys, Cinematography and Buttsex is as sure a thing as the Vegas oddsmakers have ever seen. This is why it's imperative that you listen to the next sentence.
Pick Philip Seymour Hoffman.
I know that makes no sense but listen, he was awesome as the elephant man in last week's episode of Grey's Anatomy and his standup comedy routine under the pseudonym Jim Gaffigan is unmatched in comic genius. He will win for those 2 things alone, his performance in Capote was gravy.
You know and I know that I have a massive boner right now for Keira Knightley and in fact just Cheneyed my undershorts. Ok maybe you didn't know that but you do now and I'm very sorry for that. However, the Academy is filled with bitter old hags and they no likey the hot young bone raiser named Keira. That is why Dame Edna will win her 33rd straight Oscar. Sorry, I mean Dame Judi Dench. This doesn't really seem to have any rhyme or reason until you realize that Judi Dench is a man, he's gay, and he owns a ranch in Wyoming. Then it's obvious.
Outside of those nuggets, the rest is cake.
- if Brokeback is involved it will win
- Wallace and Gromit are awesome
- King Kong cost a lot to make and therefore wherever Brokeback Mountain is not nominated it will win the "sorry you were up against a gay cowboy cinematographic masterpiece" Oscar.
- Costume design always goes to gay old period pieces. That means Pride and Prejudice
- The rest go like this - March of the Penguins, God Sleeps in Rwanda, The Constant Gardner, Don't Tell, Chronic-what?-cles of Narnia, 9, Our Time is Up, Memoirs of a Geisha
Take that shit to the bank, sign the back on the left end as you look at it from the front and cash cash that shit. I'm good for it.
Good Night and Good Luck,