Monday, February 27, 2006

Shop Dungs Guide to the Oscars

The Academy Awards are almost here and I know you all come to this blog for an insider's guide to Hollywood, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences and gambling. That's why I'm prepared to give you the winning picks you'll need to take home the trophy this year at your annual Oscar party.

Picking the winners really couldn't be simpler than it will be this year in the 2006 Academy Awards. If there's one thing AMPAS loves more than a cowboy movie, it's a cowboy movie with great cinematography. If there's one thing they love more than both of those things it's the gays. That's what I call the Brokeback Mountain trifecta. This triumvirate of Oscar gold guarantees the most severe and heinous beating ever delivered by a single film at the Oscars. This troika of Cowboys, Cinematography and Buttsex is as sure a thing as the Vegas oddsmakers have ever seen. This is why it's imperative that you listen to the next sentence.

Pick Philip Seymour Hoffman.
I know that makes no sense but listen, he was awesome as the elephant man in last week's episode of Grey's Anatomy and his standup comedy routine under the pseudonym Jim Gaffigan is unmatched in comic genius. He will win for those 2 things alone, his performance in Capote was gravy.

You know and I know that I have a massive boner right now for Keira Knightley and in fact just Cheneyed my undershorts. Ok maybe you didn't know that but you do now and I'm very sorry for that. However, the Academy is filled with bitter old hags and they no likey the hot young bone raiser named Keira. That is why Dame Edna will win her 33rd straight Oscar. Sorry, I mean Dame Judi Dench. This doesn't really seem to have any rhyme or reason until you realize that Judi Dench is a man, he's gay, and he owns a ranch in Wyoming. Then it's obvious.

Outside of those nuggets, the rest is cake.
  • if Brokeback is involved it will win
  • Wallace and Gromit are awesome
  • King Kong cost a lot to make and therefore wherever Brokeback Mountain is not nominated it will win the "sorry you were up against a gay cowboy cinematographic masterpiece" Oscar.
  • Costume design always goes to gay old period pieces. That means Pride and Prejudice
  • The rest go like this - March of the Penguins, God Sleeps in Rwanda, The Constant Gardner, Don't Tell, Chronic-what?-cles of Narnia, 9, Our Time is Up, Memoirs of a Geisha

Take that shit to the bank, sign the back on the left end as you look at it from the front and cash cash that shit. I'm good for it.

Good Night and Good Luck,

-Shop Dungarees

Tuesday, February 21, 2006


am I the only one that doesn't have a fucking clue what "text A to 3333" means? they just said that on American Idol and I'm like what in the sam fuck does that mean? That's like meeting somebody and having them say "hey call me sometime my number is 78436."

Have you been watching the olympics? Women's curling apparently requires you to be hot to compete. Figure skating has camel spins and toe loops, I think I'm going to invent a new move called the cameltoe spin loop. That's when the girl puts her leg over her head and leaps into a spin and then her leotard goes for the gold. That's my new favorite olympic move.

I made some tomato sauce from scratch. That's pretty retarded. I don't recommend it.

What else? What are you bitches doin? I seriously hate Ryan Seacrest and Ty Pennington with every fiber of my being. I know Ty is on the show where they do nice stuff for people that deserve it but he's such a goddamned credit seeking loudmouthed jerkwad. Shut up with the fucking bullhorn douche. And for christ sake stop with the cheesy "well I guess there's just one thing to say, welcome home Tara Kubena..... welcome home" Whatever, center of attention guy.

I just recently got a 2 tuner HD DVR from Comcast and I have to say it's effing fantastic. Being able to record HD is just plain awesome. I mean the timing was a little weak given I've had to trade Earl and the Office for a bunch of High Definition shots of dudes pressed sausage under leotard strain but hey it's HD baby. For every High Definition baggage check I have to suffer through there's High Defintion women's curling and figure skating to even it out.

I guess there's just one thing left to say, Welcome home high definition DVR...... welcome home.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Where you was.... Shop Dungs?

A lot of me hurts. The Body for Life program is kicking my ass routinely. I never have time to blog or else I have time but my arms don't work. I have to say however, at this point it looks like it's not total bullshit. I mean it seems like it's going to work if I keep doing for 12 weeks what I've been doing for the first 3 but working out and eating properly is kinda bullshit. Fortunately for you blog reader I haven't been blogging because Body for Life is all I talk about lately and I think the lunch crew is fairly annoyed with me. You guys are fine.

When I run in the morning, which is when I always do the running, I get about 18 minutes into the 20 minute routine before I really start to have to poop. Those last 2 minutes are risky every time I run. Anyway, once I get off the treadmill, sweat erupts from me like old faithful. It seems like gallons are pouring out of me and what happens is my butt cheeks get really sweaty and then I sit on the toilet and I feel like I'm slipping down into the hole because I'm so slicked up. It's not the most comfortable way to poop.

I'm still pretty fat when I look in the mirror. My man-maries are still pretty generous sized. I have lost 11 pounds since December 19th though so somewhere on me there's 11 pounds missing. It's probably mostly muscle and penis weight. Thanks TFG you bastardhead.

Seriously though, it's been almost 3 weeks and everyone has been very supportive of my goal to get through the 12 weeks. Specifically you blog peeps for the words of encouragement, Russ for the homemade protein shakes, Jan for knocking the Smarties tm out of my hand, JackVirgil for talking me down when I try to eat the donuts, Kim for keeping me in protein shakes of a different kind and nutrition bars, Hor've Villchez for listening to me cry about my legs and for walking slower in the mornings to get coffee, the Schaefs for getting me the swimming pass that I still haven't paid for, OK Horiously for walking to GNC and listening to me talk about food and BFL for like her entire life without killing herself and most of all Elb for buying all the stuff I need to keep from cheating and for packing my lunch all the time and everything else.

I'll get back in the groove and post something sooner now that I got this shit by the horns.