Monday, February 28, 2005

For "The Glory of Love"

Maybe you didn't realize I was a Multimedia Superstar.
Then again maybe I'm not.

A Love Story <-Click here (make sure your sound is turned up)
-by JMAN

Friday, February 25, 2005


Here's me on a recent vacation.


I'm sure everyone but me has already seen this but it's just so effing amazing.
This is so amazing I almost want to pleasure myself.
Zoom in to your house then type Pizza in the search.
Holy effing crap this is the greatest thing ever!


maybe Michael Jackson was just confused by the phrase "child rearing"

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Shop Dungarees

So you read this blog sometimes. You might even link to it. You might even be linked to by it but do you really know what Shop Dungarees are? I guess you could look at the pictures and figure it out but it's time to tell you about the idea, the inspiration and the dream.

Shop Dungarees are very simply this. A pair of pants with a shop vac attached to the ass. Why? Well, why not. Through some testing and revisions, suggestions from friends and personal experience there have been improvements to the design. Originally it was simply intended to be turned on when you let the wind fly. It would create ambient noise and through sheer volume of air intake and diffusion, reduce the offensive nature of the gas. Improvements were made to that design in the following order.

  • HEPA filtration: High Efficiency Particulate Arresting Filter. In short, when you smell somebody's fart, little tiny particles of poop are entering your nose. It's so effing gross it inspired us to capture them.
  • A.S.S. - Auto Sensing Suction: this simple addition uses the electrical resistance of air to determine particulate concentration in a sample. In a closed environment this boils down to the ol' addage "something smells like ass" only in this case the Shop Dungarees (SDs)know before you and handle it.
  • C.U.P (Covert Urine Port)- sort of accidentally we realize that the A.S.S. would "misfire" when a user's bladder "misfired" unfortunately the SDs couldn't contain the spill and odor was a biproduct. We added the C.U.P. attachment as an option on the Model II to capture the urine and the odor for users with urinary incontinence or simply laziness.
  • Obviously the next logical advance in technology was the actual manangement of wasted solids. In other words, sometimes people shit themselves. Whether it's because you read a really good blog or you just have a plain old loose sphincter, I don't really want to know the cause. I wanted to solve the problem and so we added......
  • SAWDUST - Solid Ass Waste Disposal Unit for Shitted Trousers - Simple, elegant. This attachment utilizes a micro fine water spray and a mini garbage disposal to manage the waste into a fine stream of high odor liquid that is quickly quarantined within the unit.
  • The final addition came to us when we were faced with the cleaning and emptying of the unit. So we added ReversiFlush Technology which allows you to reverse the motor to expunge the foul into any toilet at high pressure allowing you to use the poostream itself as a toilet cleaning tool.
  • As with all of our products in the D.O.O.D.U line, Shop Dungarees are fully DOODU TM compliant.

I suppose these improvements are not complete by a longshot but we're very happy with the value that the current product brings to the end user as well as home health care providers. Inquiries about the product line can be directed here.


WTF? Who knew?

I'm sending this in as an email. It's a test from my actual email client but if this works, the possibilities are endless. Certainly there will be pager emails generated from places from which no man has blogged before. Earlier you may remember my post where I mentioned that I was going to request mail in blogs. Well, they already exist apparently. Now when Erik with a K starts ripping me for "mailing it in" he will mean it literally.

On another note, I wanted to give a shout out to Toren. She's a funny kid with a ridiculously funny blog and she's the new number one generator of traffic for my blog since she added me to her links. She will now have a premium spot in my links as soon as I can edit them.



nothing more needs to be said.

Monday, February 21, 2005

new and improved?

Obviously I've been screwing with my template. Why? Well for starters, to give my friend anonymous something new to make fun of. But more because I wanted to try to figure out how to create a web page that didn't look like crap. Well, at least I was successful at providing something crappy for anonymous.

Unfortunately I didn't get a chance to read the comments about my first attempt before I blew it away or I would have stopped there. But I agree with Erik that the center alignment on everything was odd and I didn't know how to fix just that so I started from scratch.

Anyway now that it's so pretty I can get back to being hilarious which is my specialty obviously. Shut up anonymous. Oh the comments section kinda sucks because I don't know how to fix the fonts yet. Maybe I will before you actually get a chance to see it.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Survival of the fittest

So Scott has been talking about how he's a badass and about his nutbag issues. He was also telling me how the theory of evolution works the other day while we walked to our cars. He explained how the long necked giraffes got more food and eventually the short necked ones would die off and so long necked ones would get together and their kids would be long necked until eventually all of them were long neck giraffes.

So I was thinking about how Scott is a badass and how his nutbag* is so big it's hard to get it all dry, and about the giraffes and I had a revelation. Guys with big nutbags are eventually going to die out. The reason for it is having a big sack is directly related to your agressive nature. Back in the caveman days when they needed a guy to go kill shit they would say "let's send Og, he has a big scrotum." Later on, like during medieval times I think, they would say "Sir Lancescot will probably kill everyone in the melee today because, holy Canturbury, he has big testicles." So obviously as history got on, guys would go to Vegas or whatever and then watch their friends make bets way over their heads and they would say something like "man that guy has huge balls."

Well then it got shortened like in the last year or so to just "that guy has balls" which could be just for crossing the street on a don't walk or something silly. And even more recently it's been shortened to just plain old "sac up" which means. Be more agressive. Take charge. In other words, "get gunned down by a crazy shitty driver while your friend chokes on an orange Jolly Rancher TM." And that my friend is why the guys with tiny shriveled nutbags will eventually win out. Your days are numbered jumbonuts.

*-I've never seen his bag but I've seen his kid's and if it's hereditary, then it's not hard to understand why he's got PB&J issues.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

No offense but....

you know what follows that? Something really goddamned offensive is what. Just because you start with "No offense but" it's not a license to offend at will. No offense but your kids are the ugliest I've ever seen. No offense but I believe you're the most incompetent person I've ever met. So there are people who can make a whole conversation out of qualifiers and unnecessary filler. And I'm pretty sure every single one of them works in a place where there's hundreds of people in a big room separated by carpeted half walls. Can I ask you a question? Yeah apparently you can jackass. You got a minute? Well if I did, you just wasted like at least 4 or 5 seconds of it by asking. WTF?

At the conference I went to and blogged too much about recently, the resort staff were obsessed with forced rerouting of people to send them in directions contrary to the obvious. You'd walk into a room where there's a table of food right in front of you but can you go to it? No, you need to go to the farthest corner of the room to get your food. That's your reward for being there on time or early. Meanwhile the a-rod that shows up 5 minutes before they start playing the NBC tones on the dingy bell get to go to the one right inside the door. Well this really started to piss me off by the end of the conference for some reason so when I went in for breakfast on the last day the lady said to me "Can I ask you to walk to the table back to the far corner." I answered "you just did. Now can I politely agree and then ignore you and go to this close one?" And I did. They're not the boss of me.

sweet 80's mix

Your Love - The Outfield
Final Countdown, TheEurope
867-5309 (Jenny) - Tommy Tutone
4. Always Something There To Remind Me - Naked Eyes
Sweet Dreams – Eurythmics
Red Red Wine - UB40
Need You Tonight – INXS
She’s a Beauty – The Tubes
Our House – Madness
Big Country – Big Country
Who can it be now – Men At Work
Eye in the Sky – Alan Parsons Project
Broken Wings – Mr Mister
We Built this City – Starship
Man in Motion – John Parr
Africa – Toto
Boys of Summer – Don Henley

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Lay down comic

I can't figure it out exactly but I've been thinking about starting a lay down comedy routine. It's like stand-up only I would deliver my routine from a stretcher. I think the best thing will be my entrance where these two idiots wheel me in on a gurney to the mic and when they get there a wheel falls off and the whole thing goes to shit. Then they get me back upright and then my sucky jokes would commence. People in the audience would feel awkward not knowing whether I was really some kind of invalid or if it was part of the show. Maybe I would have a colostomy bag on the thing to really sell it. I don't know. I'm still working on it along with all the other stuff. Here's some of the stuff I'm working on.
  • USB Broom handle MP3 player with Sirius
  • A trash can with a vent hole in the bottom so the whole fucking can doesn't dance around like a retarded camel while you're pulling the bag out (the trash bag)
  • A new mascot for Arby's
  • Adjustable journal bearings for the nuclear energy industry
  • Reclining toilet
  • S.C.O.T.T.I - my self-contained-office-toilet-tabernacle-invention with reverse destructive sine wave generation for ambient noise reduction
  • Dogdu shovel boot
  • Remote power off for the automobile industry.
  • Hot pocket sized Totino's pizza rolls
  • The poop number heated toilet seat with memory foam. "She's a 45 I'm a 95." I like a firm seat.
  • Reversible diapers

Things I'd fix if I was god

Why do men have nipples? I'd get rid of them. Knees would be stronger. Like strong enough to get hit straight on by a 260 lb linebacker at full speed when your cleats won't let go of the turf and not even flinch. What's the deal with teeth? Why so many? I think a better design would be one big top tooth and one big bottom tooth. Same mouth shape and the one tooth would fill the same space as the current multiple teeth design, but brushing would be way easier and flossing might even be unnecessary. Balls. WTF? Move them to a safer location. Feet. Too many weak bones and moving parts. I'd make em better. Poop would smell like a Bath and Body works candlee.

Thursday, February 10, 2005


Yesterday some guy came in and camped out in the stall next to me. He, like his 12 failed predecessors mistakenly thought "well sure there's someone in here but if I just go in and sit down, he'll wrap up and then I can get to my business." He misunderestimated me. I have a 2 way pager and nothing but time. I'm not going anywhere until I finish what I came in here to do. I'll write emails to myself and friends, read the news, whatever. I will sit here for 15 hours if need be but I'm not leaving just to help you out, camper. The best attempt to "dethrone me" only lasted 23 minutes. That was old #11. He was worthy adversary. He had a good pair of sitting shoes and either a newspaper or a magazine. He outlasted #9 and #10 combined. In the end though he lost. That's the bottom line. I think he might have lost circulation in his legs. It has happened to me but I fight through the pain. Pins and needles. I really haven't even had to bring my A game yet. I doubt it will ever come to that. I think I might request mail in blogs though.

I'm retarded

From now on if somebody says "hey John what's your impression of Henry(pick a name)" I will reply in a Matt Foley voice "Hey Bill it's me Henry how you doin?" then back in my own voice which is really low and not at all nasally I will go, "how was that?"

Monday, February 07, 2005

Interviewing tip

One good way to ensure that you get a second interview or possibly the job offer itself is to call your interviewer a bastard, or even better call your interviewerS plural B-A-S-T-A-R-D-S. Right. You heard me right. The thing is you have to differentiate yourself from the weenjammers and ass-kissers. A little interviewer deprecation can be just the right touch to seal the deal. I speak from experience.

3 years ago this past November I interviewed for a job I was wholly unqualified for. It required some miscellaneous certifications, a college degree, a driver's license and a clean criminal record. I was certified crazy, with a degree in total sweetness from the Weenjammer Institute, a license to ill and a clean criminal record. I had 1 out of 4 and figured my smooth style would win them over once I got an interview by lying about the other 3. So anyhoo, I finally got a call to come in for an interview after submitting my resume (a perfect attendance certificate from 3rd grade).

In the interview they asked me some very high level technical questions about how you reply to all and what is a reboot both of which I guessed on. One question they asked me was if the CEO had a problem and 20,000 users had a different problem at the exact same time which would you handle first. To my credit, I am lazy enough to always think of the answer that requires the least effort on my part, so I said "I'd probably ask one or both of you to help me." I saw their eyes light up. They'd interviewed their share of total douches by this time so it was a refreshingly different approach than they were accustomed to. Apparently the glory seekers before me tried to come up with some great plan of attack that maximized their visibility and greatly improved their chances of impressing the higher ups. That's their dealI guess. As for me, I'm already starting to wonder if they're taking me to lunch since it's getting close. At about 11:15 they finally ask me "you want to go get some lunch?"

I say "sure where do you guys want to go?" They mention a pretty nice place a friend recommended and they also mention the place they usually take people so I agree to the former and we head out. As we near our destination I notice something about the people in the restaurant. Unlike the 2 guys I'm with, the people inside actually know how to use an iron. So I check the menu and the stuff sounds a little fluflu for me and these guys I'm with look homeless so I say what's the other place like. The tall goofy one says "it's a steak place and it's pretty good" so I say "yeah I'm all about steak, let's try that." So on the walk to the other place the tall one asks me how I think the interview is going. I say that I think it's going ok and he says "c'mon like, what are you going to tell your wife when you get home?" so I say "well the first thing I'll probably tell her is how you bastards took me to the cheap place for lunch." So he says to me "did you just call us bastards?" and I say "yeaahhhhhh, was that not good interviewing technique?" and he says "well I mean, there is the possibility that I don't know who my dad is and so you go and say something assinine like that and I just break down and start crying right in the middle of the street." So I say "yeah I suppose if you did that I wouldn't figure my chances were too good of landing the job." Then they both laughed.

I'm sure given my propensity for it, I made a few more unprofessional comments during lunch but apparently the bastard line was the coup de grace. We still have a good laugh about that occasionally and then I smack them both in the mouth. That's how I roll.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Quasimodo has seizure while masturbating

We watched my new favorite band Keane on SNL last night. Their sound is amazingly full for a 3 piece band where the singer doesn't play an instrument and one piece is drums. That leaves an entire symphony of sound to come from the keyboardist and by looking at him you can tell he's giving it everything he's got. We decided he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame and my wife added "yeah if he was having a seizure" and then added "yeah and whacking it." Then I said I would write that in my blog. Then I did. It wasn't as funny as I'd hoped.

Saturday, February 05, 2005

If everything has a purpose

What's the deal with morning wood? If there's a purpose for everything what's its purpose? Girls probably don't give a rat's pajamas about my issues because "you try pushing a bowling ball out your ass, and then tell me about your problems."

So assbowling aside, morningwood is problematic. First of all it's just embarassing. I mean if you stay the night at the in-laws or something and grandma comes in to rouse (not arouse) you in the morning and you've tented-the-sheet, it's a little awkward. Second, everyone has to piss in the morning, that's universal. The problem is, my little friend who's obviously way more awake than I am at this point isn't having anything to do with it. He's not pointing, nor is he willing to be pointed anywhere near the toilet. I suppose if you have a toilet on the ceiling maybe but I don't. So I could stand on my head I guess. I could sit and scoot way back and lean way forward or something. I could think about the face of the lady at work who runs for her bus every day at 5, that would certainly put an end to it. I could have sex (probably with myself) but I think that level of activity would cause a myocardial infarction at that hour. So there's issues is all I'm saying. Childbirth by any comparison is a cakewalk. I'm just kidding. jeez. take it easy.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005


Most people who know me think I'm retarded. Well that's not exactly true. All people who know me also know I'm retarded.

Maybe the best example of this would be the time I was doing dips between 2 metal file cabinets in my office as a sort of "who's the man" style competition among the engineering staff at my old company. After approximately 4 dips my hands started to sweat like a hot ass on a cold window. Anyway like a complete fucking douche, captain sweaty, instead of calling it quits right then and drying off the palms decides that he's got something to prove to the rest of these pencil pushing Autocadians. I mean these guys were physical specimens and so I was determined to prove my mettle and become their leader by doing dips until my arms fell off. Unfortunately it wasn't my arms that fell off. At approximately 6.25 dips, in other words 1/4 of the way back up to the full 7, the President/General Manager of the company strolled past my office door. He was drawn back to the door by the audience and as he approached, my saucy right hand shot straight out in front of me off the front of the right cabinet. The corner of this same cabinet gouged a path down the underside of my forearm as my upper torso slung forward and it continued it's shivery along my ribcage. My feet actually rose up the wall behind me as I pivoted about the fatceration and as I continued my descent my right foot became entangled in the cord for our departmental laminator. This was a fine piece of equipment I had become the resident expert in providing document protection with. Well apparently she (all equipment is female) turned on me. She chased her cord off the edge of the cabinet toward my rapidly declining foot and as I hit the floor ol' Lammy(that's what I called her) jabbed a corner right into the right side of my head just above the temple. At this point I knew I had won the respect of the engineering staff and was collecting myself and assesing the damage as I casually awaited their applause. Sadly instead of applause a lone voice broke the deafening silence. The Pres/GM made a three step reversemaneuver, reappeared in my doorway and calmly stated "I trust that will be the last time this happens?" and then moved along just as cool as something totally cool. Although he seemed slightly annoyed I knew he was impressed with my dismount. And I'm pretty sure he was laughing on the inside. In fact several years later he would hire me to be our Network Administrator and I have to think the way I handled myself that late summer morning went a long way to sealing the deal. That job opportunity changed my my career path and my life and I will always have a fond memory of the cabinet dips and the 9 inch scar on the right side of my torso.

-Johnny Tardagain