Monday, February 28, 2005
Friday, February 25, 2005
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Shop Dungarees are very simply this. A pair of pants with a shop vac attached to the ass. Why? Well, why not. Through some testing and revisions, suggestions from friends and personal experience there have been improvements to the design. Originally it was simply intended to be turned on when you let the wind fly. It would create ambient noise and through sheer volume of air intake and diffusion, reduce the offensive nature of the gas. Improvements were made to that design in the following order.
- HEPA filtration: High Efficiency Particulate Arresting Filter. In short, when you smell somebody's fart, little tiny particles of poop are entering your nose. It's so effing gross it inspired us to capture them.
- A.S.S. - Auto Sensing Suction: this simple addition uses the electrical resistance of air to determine particulate concentration in a sample. In a closed environment this boils down to the ol' addage "something smells like ass" only in this case the Shop Dungarees (SDs)know before you and handle it.
- C.U.P (Covert Urine Port)- sort of accidentally we realize that the A.S.S. would "misfire" when a user's bladder "misfired" unfortunately the SDs couldn't contain the spill and odor was a biproduct. We added the C.U.P. attachment as an option on the Model II to capture the urine and the odor for users with urinary incontinence or simply laziness.
- Obviously the next logical advance in technology was the actual manangement of wasted solids. In other words, sometimes people shit themselves. Whether it's because you read a really good blog or you just have a plain old loose sphincter, I don't really want to know the cause. I wanted to solve the problem and so we added......
- SAWDUST - Solid Ass Waste Disposal Unit for Shitted Trousers - Simple, elegant. This attachment utilizes a micro fine water spray and a mini garbage disposal to manage the waste into a fine stream of high odor liquid that is quickly quarantined within the unit.
- The final addition came to us when we were faced with the cleaning and emptying of the unit. So we added ReversiFlush Technology which allows you to reverse the motor to expunge the foul into any toilet at high pressure allowing you to use the poostream itself as a toilet cleaning tool.
- As with all of our products in the D.O.O.D.U line, Shop Dungarees are fully DOODU TM compliant.
I suppose these improvements are not complete by a longshot but we're very happy with the value that the current product brings to the end user as well as home health care providers. Inquiries about the product line can be directed here.
On another note, I wanted to give a shout out to Toren. She's a funny kid with a ridiculously funny blog and she's the new number one generator of traffic for my blog since she added me to her links. She will now have a premium spot in my links as soon as I can edit them.
Monday, February 21, 2005
Unfortunately I didn't get a chance to read the comments about my first attempt before I blew it away or I would have stopped there. But I agree with Erik that the center alignment on everything was odd and I didn't know how to fix just that so I started from scratch.
Anyway now that it's so pretty I can get back to being hilarious which is my specialty obviously. Shut up anonymous. Oh the comments section kinda sucks because I don't know how to fix the fonts yet. Maybe I will before you actually get a chance to see it.
Thursday, February 17, 2005
So I was thinking about how Scott is a badass and how his nutbag* is so big it's hard to get it all dry, and about the giraffes and I had a revelation. Guys with big nutbags are eventually going to die out. The reason for it is having a big sack is directly related to your agressive nature. Back in the caveman days when they needed a guy to go kill shit they would say "let's send Og, he has a big scrotum." Later on, like during medieval times I think, they would say "Sir Lancescot will probably kill everyone in the melee today because, holy Canturbury, he has big testicles." So obviously as history got on, guys would go to Vegas or whatever and then watch their friends make bets way over their heads and they would say something like "man that guy has huge balls."
Well then it got shortened like in the last year or so to just "that guy has balls" which could be just for crossing the street on a don't walk or something silly. And even more recently it's been shortened to just plain old "sac up" which means. Be more agressive. Take charge. In other words, "get gunned down by a crazy shitty driver while your friend chokes on an orange Jolly Rancher TM." And that my friend is why the guys with tiny shriveled nutbags will eventually win out. Your days are numbered jumbonuts.
*-I've never seen his bag but I've seen his kid's and if it's hereditary, then it's not hard to understand why he's got PB&J issues.
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
At the conference I went to and blogged too much about recently, the resort staff were obsessed with forced rerouting of people to send them in directions contrary to the obvious. You'd walk into a room where there's a table of food right in front of you but can you go to it? No, you need to go to the farthest corner of the room to get your food. That's your reward for being there on time or early. Meanwhile the a-rod that shows up 5 minutes before they start playing the NBC tones on the dingy bell get to go to the one right inside the door. Well this really started to piss me off by the end of the conference for some reason so when I went in for breakfast on the last day the lady said to me "Can I ask you to walk to the table back to the far corner." I answered "you just did. Now can I politely agree and then ignore you and go to this close one?" And I did. They're not the boss of me.
1. Your Love - The Outfield
2. Final Countdown, The –
3. 867-5309 (Jenny) - Tommy Tutone
4. Always Something There To Remind Me - Naked Eyes
5. Sweet Dreams – Eurythmics
6. Red Red Wine - UB40
7. Need You Tonight – INXS
8. She’s a Beauty – The Tubes
9. Our House – Madness
10. Big Country – Big Country
11. Who can it be now – Men At Work
12. Eye in the Sky – Alan Parsons Project
13. Broken Wings – Mr Mister
14. We Built this City – Starship
15. Man in Motion – John Parr
17. Boys of Summer – Don Henley
Sunday, February 13, 2005
- USB Broom handle MP3 player with Sirius
- A trash can with a vent hole in the bottom so the whole fucking can doesn't dance around like a retarded camel while you're pulling the bag out (the trash bag)
- A new mascot for Arby's
- Adjustable journal bearings for the nuclear energy industry
- Reclining toilet
- S.C.O.T.T.I - my self-contained-office-toilet-tabernacle-invention with reverse destructive sine wave generation for ambient noise reduction
- Dogdu shovel boot
- Remote power off for the automobile industry.
- Hot pocket sized Totino's pizza rolls
- The poop number heated toilet seat with memory foam. "She's a 45 I'm a 95." I like a firm seat.
- Reversible diapers
Thursday, February 10, 2005
Monday, February 07, 2005
3 years ago this past November I interviewed for a job I was wholly unqualified for. It required some miscellaneous certifications, a college degree, a driver's license and a clean criminal record. I was certified crazy, with a degree in total sweetness from the Weenjammer Institute, a license to ill and a clean criminal record. I had 1 out of 4 and figured my smooth style would win them over once I got an interview by lying about the other 3. So anyhoo, I finally got a call to come in for an interview after submitting my resume (a perfect attendance certificate from 3rd grade).
In the interview they asked me some very high level technical questions about how you reply to all and what is a reboot both of which I guessed on. One question they asked me was if the CEO had a problem and 20,000 users had a different problem at the exact same time which would you handle first. To my credit, I am lazy enough to always think of the answer that requires the least effort on my part, so I said "I'd probably ask one or both of you to help me." I saw their eyes light up. They'd interviewed their share of total douches by this time so it was a refreshingly different approach than they were accustomed to. Apparently the glory seekers before me tried to come up with some great plan of attack that maximized their visibility and greatly improved their chances of impressing the higher ups. That's their dealI guess. As for me, I'm already starting to wonder if they're taking me to lunch since it's getting close. At about 11:15 they finally ask me "you want to go get some lunch?"
I say "sure where do you guys want to go?" They mention a pretty nice place a friend recommended and they also mention the place they usually take people so I agree to the former and we head out. As we near our destination I notice something about the people in the restaurant. Unlike the 2 guys I'm with, the people inside actually know how to use an iron. So I check the menu and the stuff sounds a little fluflu for me and these guys I'm with look homeless so I say what's the other place like. The tall goofy one says "it's a steak place and it's pretty good" so I say "yeah I'm all about steak, let's try that." So on the walk to the other place the tall one asks me how I think the interview is going. I say that I think it's going ok and he says "c'mon like, what are you going to tell your wife when you get home?" so I say "well the first thing I'll probably tell her is how you bastards took me to the cheap place for lunch." So he says to me "did you just call us bastards?" and I say "yeaahhhhhh, was that not good interviewing technique?" and he says "well I mean, there is the possibility that I don't know who my dad is and so you go and say something assinine like that and I just break down and start crying right in the middle of the street." So I say "yeah I suppose if you did that I wouldn't figure my chances were too good of landing the job." Then they both laughed.
I'm sure given my propensity for it, I made a few more unprofessional comments during lunch but apparently the bastard line was the coup de grace. We still have a good laugh about that occasionally and then I smack them both in the mouth. That's how I roll.
Sunday, February 06, 2005
Saturday, February 05, 2005
So assbowling aside, morningwood is problematic. First of all it's just embarassing. I mean if you stay the night at the in-laws or something and grandma comes in to rouse (not arouse) you in the morning and you've tented-the-sheet, it's a little awkward. Second, everyone has to piss in the morning, that's universal. The problem is, my little friend who's obviously way more awake than I am at this point isn't having anything to do with it. He's not pointing, nor is he willing to be pointed anywhere near the toilet. I suppose if you have a toilet on the ceiling maybe but I don't. So I could stand on my head I guess. I could sit and scoot way back and lean way forward or something. I could think about the face of the lady at work who runs for her bus every day at 5, that would certainly put an end to it. I could have sex (probably with myself) but I think that level of activity would cause a myocardial infarction at that hour. So there's issues is all I'm saying. Childbirth by any comparison is a cakewalk. I'm just kidding. jeez. take it easy.
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Maybe the best example of this would be the time I was doing dips between 2 metal file cabinets in my office as a sort of "who's the man" style competition among the engineering staff at my old company. After approximately 4 dips my hands started to sweat like a hot ass on a cold window. Anyway like a complete fucking douche, captain sweaty, instead of calling it quits right then and drying off the palms decides that he's got something to prove to the rest of these pencil pushing Autocadians. I mean these guys were physical specimens and so I was determined to prove my mettle and become their leader by doing dips until my arms fell off. Unfortunately it wasn't my arms that fell off. At approximately 6.25 dips, in other words 1/4 of the way back up to the full 7, the President/General Manager of the company strolled past my office door. He was drawn back to the door by the audience and as he approached, my saucy right hand shot straight out in front of me off the front of the right cabinet. The corner of this same cabinet gouged a path down the underside of my forearm as my upper torso slung forward and it continued it's shivery along my ribcage. My feet actually rose up the wall behind me as I pivoted about the fatceration and as I continued my descent my right foot became entangled in the cord for our departmental laminator. This was a fine piece of equipment I had become the resident expert in providing document protection with. Well apparently she (all equipment is female) turned on me. She chased her cord off the edge of the cabinet toward my rapidly declining foot and as I hit the floor ol' Lammy(that's what I called her) jabbed a corner right into the right side of my head just above the temple. At this point I knew I had won the respect of the engineering staff and was collecting myself and assesing the damage as I casually awaited their applause. Sadly instead of applause a lone voice broke the deafening silence. The Pres/GM made a three step reversemaneuver, reappeared in my doorway and calmly stated "I trust that will be the last time this happens?" and then moved along just as cool as something totally cool. Although he seemed slightly annoyed I knew he was impressed with my dismount. And I'm pretty sure he was laughing on the inside. In fact several years later he would hire me to be our Network Administrator and I have to think the way I handled myself that late summer morning went a long way to sealing the deal. That job opportunity changed my my career path and my life and I will always have a fond memory of the cabinet dips and the 9 inch scar on the right side of my torso.