Sunday, February 13, 2005

Lay down comic

I can't figure it out exactly but I've been thinking about starting a lay down comedy routine. It's like stand-up only I would deliver my routine from a stretcher. I think the best thing will be my entrance where these two idiots wheel me in on a gurney to the mic and when they get there a wheel falls off and the whole thing goes to shit. Then they get me back upright and then my sucky jokes would commence. People in the audience would feel awkward not knowing whether I was really some kind of invalid or if it was part of the show. Maybe I would have a colostomy bag on the thing to really sell it. I don't know. I'm still working on it along with all the other stuff. Here's some of the stuff I'm working on.
  • USB Broom handle MP3 player with Sirius
  • A trash can with a vent hole in the bottom so the whole fucking can doesn't dance around like a retarded camel while you're pulling the bag out (the trash bag)
  • A new mascot for Arby's
  • Adjustable journal bearings for the nuclear energy industry
  • Reclining toilet
  • S.C.O.T.T.I - my self-contained-office-toilet-tabernacle-invention with reverse destructive sine wave generation for ambient noise reduction
  • Dogdu shovel boot
  • Remote power off for the automobile industry.
  • Hot pocket sized Totino's pizza rolls
  • The poop number heated toilet seat with memory foam. "She's a 45 I'm a 95." I like a firm seat.
  • Reversible diapers


Hugh Janus said...

Don't they already have "Hot Pocket sized pizza rolls?" Aren't they called Hot Pockets?

Reclining toilet. Can't imagine that creates the ultimate pooping trajectory. But that's a fixture I've often thought could use some improvements. There's got be something else you could do to spruce it up. I mean, I enjoy it immensely in its current, primitive form. But imagine if it had some bells and whistles. I might never leave.

There's a good spin-off blog. Others could throw in their two cents as to what would be desirable add-ons.

danielle said...

can i please be there when you start testing out the shovel boot?

Johnny Virgil said...

huge anus, they have the toilet of your dreams as standard equipment in Japan. Complete with CD slots, heated seats, twin water name it.

Hugh Janus said...

This is a strangely timely topic because my excerpt below ties into two different blogs, directly to Johnny's and on a 6-degrees-of-delightful-man-butt's kind of tie to one of Danielle's prior blogs.

In the back of Men's Health magazine (February 2005) that I was just reading they have a blurb about a new toilet from Kohler.

Kohler is currently debuting it's bigger Cimarron toilet "for extreme uses and bulk performances." Swear to god that's the quote from Kohler.

I wish I could enjoy a toilet like that more but I think I have to change my diet first.

The tie to Danielle is that it's in Men's Health which has Ryan Reynolds on the cover who made #1 on her man-butt list.

Sarah said...

Dear God, I will pay Arby's to get rid of the Oven Mitt. I swear.

Johnny Virgil said...

I always confuse him with the hamburger helper mitt.

danielle said...

must get latest men's health...

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

Memory foam. You feckin rule. I want it.