Friday, July 29, 2005

The Distinguished Gentleman

And now a man who needs no introduction.

Ok I guess he does. It's Russ.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Pics from the trip

Van wanted to see pictures.

me with the ladies

Tania, Carly and Lisa

Carly and Shamus

Me and Shamus (this is a completely normal picture)

me and Susan from our wonderful support team.

Sunday, July 24, 2005


I am a father of 2. I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old. For the most part I'm ok with the responsibility but every once in awhile I look in the mirror and still see a kid and I think "man I'm 'Dad' for those two kids." I'm hardly what I think of when I think of a dad. I think of a big guy that can do anything. A guy that knows all the answers, a guy that's not afraid of gigantic spiders, a guy that doesn't mind going outside to see what that really insane noise just was. That's not me. I'm still the guy that wants to call my dad to ask him to come over and see what that crazy noise was outside. My dad could lift an entire 327 small block out of a 64 Impala. I'm lucky if I can carry in the bulk can of baked beans from Sam's club my wife just bought. My dad had guns. Not just the really big arms kind, the real gunpowder and bullets kind too. Lots of them. Some that aren't even legal anymore. Me, I'm afraid of guns. My dad could build a house when he was 13. I couldn't build a house if I had plans and nothing but time.

I think the reason people look at kids and go "jeesh kids today!" is because every generation is one generation removed from the "dad" we all think of in our heads when we think of one. I hope someday my kids will think of me like I think of my dad but the truth of the matter is I know that they're getting a watered down version.

The other thing is my dad's dad was not really much of a dad. He was a drunk. My dad wasn't able to finish high school because he basically had to raise his brother and sisters. He had the grades to graduate but missed too many days of school due to work. He really did build the house he lived in from the time he was 13 until he moved out.

I try to help my mom and dad out as much as I can these days which isn't really as much as I would like and I know that my dad feels like he owes me something for that but I'll tell you something I'm the one that owes and the debt will never be repaid.

Here's to the dads out there. The hardcore old school last generation ones and the ones like me that are still trying to fill those shoes. Good luck with that.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

I always use a spotter when I choke myself for pleasure

I had a great time in A-Town with the crew. It's rare that you meet someone in person for the first time and really feel a connection with them. Monday night I had drinks and dinner with a whole group of those kind of people. Especially the real drinkers that went back with me for more alcohol at my hotel after dinner. I feel like I've known Carly, Shamus, Tania and Julia since I was a kid. Shamus is still the legend. Carly and Tania are both total hotties with infectious laughs and smiles, hilarious levels of sarcasm and a sense of humor as sick as mine. And Julia is my irreplaceable original drinking buddy. I'll miss you guys. I seriously felt almost like home while I was there. Thanks for hanging with me and making me laugh. As for Johnny V, thanks for giving me something to blog about Sunday and thanks for making me truly appreciate the Desmond.

And Carly I know that when you said "I hate you" 50 times you really meant that you loved me.

Sunday, July 17, 2005


I'm traveling for business. I'm staying at Microtel. It's pretty sweet. There are a lot of amenities here that other places charge extra for. For example my bed came with a big fluid stain on the passenger side. That's normally my side of the bed but I'm sleeping on the other side. Another feature of the room that's no extra charge is the unispeed fanswitch on the AC unit. Oh sure it says "HI/LOW" and there are 2 positions but don't let that fool you. There's only one speed. Totally sad. That's the speed. Scott's mom blows harder than this piece.

It's cool I mean I wouldn't have been able to find this place if it weren't for one John W. Virgil. See I'm in his hometown so I thought it would be reasonable to ask him where's a good place to stay. Apparently it's customary for him to offer up 2 choices. One that's bad and one that's horrible. I can't wait til he's going somewhere I've been and he asks for hotel advice. I'll tell him the Poop Inn is nice but the Doodie Pile Bed and Breakfast is nicer.

A few other standards that are usually extras at other hotels.
Free Internet
Free Pubes
Drawerless storage
Presoiled carpeting

The party is at my room tomorrow. Bring your own disinfectant.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Movin on up to storage B

At work I sit in an area we refer to as the pod. Our building is full of cubicles but our area is like a big open shared cubicle with room for 8 but only 6 of us in there. Some people look at it and wonder how we could work sitting right next to somebody in an open area with no privacy. It works for us. We're an awesome team. We make fun of each other. We talk on the phone really loud about our vasectomies and don't give it a second thought. If we have a question we usually just yell it. We're universally offensive but isolated from the cubicle dwellers.

Today we got word we're getting evicted. You know what. Eat a fucking cock.

Jesus fucking christ enough with the fucking anal rape. Give us this one goddamned thing that makes us happy you fucking assclowns. I hate you rat bastards. I'm going to lay a log under my desk in a place that nobody can find so that the buttpirates that move into my pod have to smell an aging doodie nugget for the rest of their days at my fucking desk.


Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Well there's a little boy waiting at the counter at the corner shop.

Some weird things I've seen
  • my brother ride his bike into a silo full speed on purpose
  • my big toe with a gear tooth from a sprocket through it
  • a foot stuck pointing 180 degrees in the wrong direction
  • a leg snapped in two with the toes touching the calf
  • a brand new truck roll 4 times land on it's now missing tires and both guys get out unscratched and immediately discard at least a 12 pack of Bud Light before cops arrive
  • a rigor mortised irish setter pulled from a well by his chain
  • a big dog peeing on a little dog

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Linkin Park

Liz asked for a user's guide to my linked blogs. Here's a good reference manual to who these people are.

Sarah - my gay lover Steven's stage name
Danielle - Sarah's mom and also my personal chef
Scott - my gay uncle
Johnny - some dude that likes to store naked pictures of himself on the network at work
Shamus - the Irish legend
Toren - a girl that could kill you and laugh and then break a heel and cry
SLC-UPS - the urban princess someone with whom you don't want to mess
Melanie - a one night stand I had in Paris and again in London and again in Bogota
Lolo - my first girlfriend and the only woman to ever make me cry in bed
Liz - my 2nd grade wrestling coach and first crush
Jill - Brett Favre

ok for real

Sarah - my female twin, lunch pal and coworker. Probably the funniest person I know
Danielle - my morning coffee pal, deep thoughts sounding board, coworker and occasional lunch pal
Scott - my friend, coworker, lunch pal and boss kinda. The greatest storyteller ever.
Johnny - coworker and twin separated at birth. would be lunch pal if he lived in the same state and the greatest writer/blogwriter on record
Shamus - for real, the Irish legend. previously a coworker. Actual author of probably the only book I've ever read cover to cover in a single sitting. The inspiration of every email I've ever written to a company.
Toren - Blogger friend but I know she'd fit right in with the lunch crew and she also has a big rack.
SLC-UPS - Blogger friend but she's seriously funny and has a big rack I think.
Melanie - Blogger friend. Shares the same mental dementia and poop humor as me though and really that and the fact that she will pretty much write anything puts her pretty high up the list in my book.
Lolo - Blogger friend. Co-Worker of Mel. Also shares my poop humor, musical tastes, age and parenthood. So there's really no way she's writing something I can't directly relate to.
Liz - you. Another only through Blogger. Your "100 things about me" was the first thing I read and the only other one of those things I have ever actually read from beginning to end besides Toren's. We also have a lot in common as I too married my high school sweatheart and we've also been together for 15 years.
Jill - my sister in law, friend, musical taste twin. She's the reason I finally asked my wife out. She's also not taller than me no matter what she says.

Friday, July 08, 2005

i Pod my pants

I ordered an iPod from Apple. It came last night. So did I.

When I got my nizzies whacked the nurse said I should wait 3 months or until I had 12 ejaculations before I get checked to see if it worked. I had 4 going into last night. But thanks to the iPod I'll be taking a sample in this afternoon.

It's the best thing ever. If you're even remotely considering getting one, do it.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Tony Ballchinsky

Tagged by Danielle at I Probably Hate You and Mel at My Therapist Claims There's Hope
(Since Danielle tagged me first then Mel (nice reminds me of this dream I had) I am using her links...sorry Mel I'm lazy)

Remove the blog at #1 from the following list
Bump every one up one place;
Add your blog's name in the #5 spot;
link to each of the other blogs for the desired cross pollination effect.

  1. both hands
  2. Forward Motion
  3. Okay Seriously
  4. i probably hate you
  5. Shop Dungarees

Next: select new friends to add to the pollen count. (No one is obligated to participate).
1. Lolo
2. Carly
3. LizzieDaisy

Your turn:
1. Sleeping under the air conditioner in my brother's room and listening to Journey, Asia, and Toto
2. Christmas PJ's and waking up Christmas morning to the tree that Santa put up the night before (thanks mom and dad)
3. Atari 2600 morning noon and night
4. Awards Day at school
5. Playing Scrabble with Mom and Aunt Harriet

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

My Sister In Law

Today is my sister in law Jill's birthday. She's a good kid and I like to read her new blog so go there and welcome her to the blogfest. Leave some comments too so that she actually thinks it's fun and writes some more stuff or I will punch you in your stupid face.

Sunday, July 03, 2005

6 Month Review

If you have a job like most people, you have a semi annual review to help you understand just how shitty you're doing and why you're not going to get a raise this year. Well I've been blogging for 6 months and it's no different. In January I made some new years resolutions and posted them for all the internet to see. I will now review my progress on those.

1. This year I'm going to try to get to my desk at work before 8 at least 3 days a week.

  • I know this sounds like I meant every week during
    the year. What I really meant was that for at least one week this year
    I was going to try to make it to work before 8 O'Clock on 3 of the
    5 days. I'm still working on this. Maybe if I changed it to
    3 days this year I'd have a shot. I think I made it in before 8 once already

2. This year I'm going to lose 10 pounds. As of today I weighed 196.5 in my skivvies. (I don't really use that word

  • I'm 197 lbs today. So this is going pretty well. Only 10.5 more pounds to go.

3. This year I will be more honest with people when I think they're being an idiot.

  • I've tried this a few times. People don't
    really take well to constructive criticism.

4. I will also be more quick to give praise where praise is due.

  • I have actually been better at this. I'm a nice guy. Ieven told the doctor that I thought he did a good job of stabbing me in the nuts.

5. I'm also getting rid of my cats.

  • done

So overall I think this could be one of my best success stories ever as resolutions go. I think I might get a pretty decent year end review if I can just lose a few pounds.