Saturday, August 26, 2006

Day before the triathlon

Tomorrow is my 3rd of 4 triathlons this year. I still haven't really figured out what to do the day before a triathlon. I don't know if I should do some sort of workout to stay loose or not workout to stay fresh. Either way I suck so it's not that big of a deal if I do the wrong thing. It's a matter of finishing in the bottom 1/3rd or the bottom 1/4th tomorrow. When I decided to do a triathlon early this year with Dan, Keith and Russ, I didn't realize that the one we were planning on doing was not a normal distance. It was a "super sprint" which means it's about half the distances of a sprint triathlon. A sprint is 1/4 mile swim, 16 mile bike and 5K run (3.1 mi). They don't really offer the "Super Sprint" at most triathlons. Those of you who know me in real life obviously know I don't look like I'm in any kind of shape to do any one of those normal sprint distances individually let alone one after the other on the same day, and you would be correct.

So putting the 3 together in one day results in pictures of me looking like I'm literally soiling myself. Ok ok Virgil, pictures of me actually soiling myself. Well for my internet friends who weren't on Johnny Virgil's mailing list, I thought it would only be fair of me to post the pictures here. These aren't the best pictures of me but they're certainly among the funniest and that's really what's important when you're posting pictures on a blog. So here you go bitches.

I'm questioning whether this was a good idea.

Here I'm actually kind of smiling because about 15 seconds before the picture I was pretty sure I had drowned.

I'm in a great deal of pain here on the bike but luckily you can't really see my face.

I'm looking solid here.

I just shit myself.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Just hangin' around

Dear lady who holds all of her meetings in the hallway outside the men's room on the 6th floor,

a.) I have trouble peeing when I can hear you talking right outside the door. b.) yes I was in there that whole time today. From the time I walked past you and you said hi to me until the time I came out and you said hi to me again I was pooping. I would like to apologize for farting right before I walked out but I can't because your meeting-having-ass deserved it for loitering outside the men's room.

Shop Dungs

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed

When I was driving home tonight I saw a car that looked like it was pretty close to bursting into flames if it wasn't already on fire. The guy who was driving it minutes earlier was now standing out beside the car with the hood open (to provide more oxygen to the fire) scratching his head. He was giving it the old "let me take a look here and see if I can't put this fire out with a knowing stare". I started thinking about all the cars I've seen in this condition and all the guys and ladies I've seen standing there staring at the smoldering pile of crap and I figured out that they are always exactly the same car and exactly the same person give or take a few pounds and teeth.

Anyway this lady.

is always standing by this car.

and this guy

is always standing next to this car

It's always an '86 Caprice. C'mon guy if you go to the used car dealership and you buy an '86 Caprice, you're basically saying "I'd like a car that's going to overheat and burst into flames pretty soon on my way to work." and then the salesman is like "oh.... I have a nice '86 Caprice over here." Dammit guy. If you only have $250 for a car get the Corolla with 200k miles on it.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Not sure what gives

I just have nothing to write in the blog ever. I sometimes tell Virgil stories about my youth while we're chatting on the instant messenger and then I think I will write about it in the blog and then I never do. Sarah and I also come up with some great idea like "No Shirt Mondays" for my blog at lunch all the time but I never end up putting the ideas to use. I've also thought about seeing how many different facial hair styles I could post pictures of in a month or something.

What I'm saying friends is I'm basically a useless pile of crap. But I'm going to rededicate myself to giving my fans what they come here for or what they used to come here for and that is basically me being totally effing sweet. I'm going to talk about poop, talk about growing up, talk about my balls, take some pictures of my ass sometime with the simple caption "do these match."

Basically what I'm saying is Shop D is getting back to the basics and I'm about to rock your goddamned faces off.

Here's a news story for you.
Doodies everywhere.