Sunday, December 25, 2005
Thank you for being an "educational" company that misspells skool. Good work on that.
Thank you for making the awesomest bulldozer ever and for keeping my son from being a whiny biatch for like 45 whole min.
Shake-N-Go Racers tm are awesome, your packaging however, is not. Thank you for the 4 lacerations, 3 broken eardrums, 2 minor eye abrasions and the anal tear. Maybe you don't have kids but when it takes 37 hours to get the Racers out of the package, kids get all kinds of effing crazy. Stop with the goddamned razor wire twist ties already. Jesus H Christ.
Dear Home Depot/Toys R Us assembly instruction writer,
That's all for now, thanks for reading the blog this year. It's almost been one whole year since I started. I know the quality isn't always there but at least the quantity isn't there either so even though the stuff I write sucks it lately at least I don't write that often.
Sunday, December 18, 2005
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Unfortunately when I got it and tried it on it didn't look exactly like the ads. I mean I still look totally hot but just not as good as the hardbody they advertise. I took a picture of me in my new Under Armour just to show you how well it works.
Friday, December 16, 2005
- I eat all of each individual item on my plate before I move to the next item usually in the reverse order of how much I like each item. So I eat all my french fries then my quarter pounder or all my salad then all my vegetables then my steak then my mashed potatoes and gravy.
- The first thing I do when I enter my own house every night is wash my hands. I also wash my hands like 1000 times a day, and I generally will wash my hands when I go to somebody else's house within a few minutes of being there.
- I have a clean nostril obsession. Which means I twist up toilet paper and kleenex and shove it up in there to get any possible grossness out. I know that's supposed to be not healthy or something but I hate thinking there might be something in my nose.
- I rinse/wash every glass I take out of a cupboard before I will use it. I do this for other people too.
- I turn each sock inside out and shake out and pull off any lint/possible toejam fodder before I put the sock on.
I really have some OCD issues. It's almost uncomfortable to be forced to think about all of my them. I could have made a list of 20 weird things but they all would've sounded similar.
I tag - Danielle, Sarah, Scott, Toren and Carly. Don't bitch about me tagging you because you know you liked it.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
1. People with cats smell like they have cats. Now the ocd readers who have cats are saying "no I keep the litterbox spotless" or "no I built a special room for the cats to shit in" or "no my litterbox is motorized and cleans itself 30 seconds after the cat soils." Trust me I know all this stuff because I was you a year ago. And while some are certainly better than others, cats stink up your house and you.
2. Cats piss on your stuff. "Not my cat" really just means "Not yet mine hasn't" Your cat will piss on something you really like someday. I hope you enjoy it. I don't.
3. Cats puke up living spaghetti. Yeah. This made me almost puke. My cat had a tapeworm and puked the whole thing up on the fireplace hearth one day. It was still moving and it looked like a plate of spaghetti. This is almost the most disgusting thing ever. If it weren't for the final straw and the final reason I won't ever have a cat again. Reason #4.
4. Cats eat tinsel. Tinsel is basically shiny string. Why a cat would eat the fucking stuff is beyond me but cats are retarded and cats eat shit from their own anuses so psychoanalysing a cat is futile. Merely eating the tinsel however isn't really what I take issue with. Where I have a problem is when a cat who has recently partaken of this shiny metal treat takes a poop but only about 30% of the length of the tinsel leaves the colonand it DOESN'T BREAK! So kitty drags his newfound shit covered tinsel tail around the house until yours truly either a.) finds it on an object that is has snagged on or b.) extracts it manually.
Well guess what I'm not doing this Christmas. Sorry kitties. I hope you're doing well.
Friday, December 09, 2005
- Losing at online poker.
- Losing at fantasy football.
- Losing at losing weight.
- Surfing porn
- Not sleeping
- Secretly not doing what I'm supposed to not be doing at work and secretly not talking to the people I'm not supposed to be talking to.
- Your mom
I know I know, that's a lot of stuff and it's hard to believe I'm able to accomplish it all. Well some of it happens while I'm asleep. 7 and 9 come to mind for example. A lot of people were hoping I'd include 10 on that but no. I am in fact spending a lot of time doing your moms.
I'm open to suggestions for new wiping techniques. I really think I need to give up premoistened wipes. While I firmly believe my anus is as clean as they come, I am beginning to think that's not really how your anus was intended to be maintained.
Also on that front, or rear as it were, I sometimes wipe after a bad poop and like after 2 or 3 wipes I will perform a blanket wipe to zero in on problem areas. This is not a normally occurring thing but it's disturbing when it occurs. The general gist of it is I pretty much focus right on the centerhole. Like J. Geils used to say "na na nana nana Anus is the Centerhole". Anyway if you wipe like me you realize that the area requiring maintenance is usually a pretty focused region but every once in a while I stick the paper down there after a pass I observe streaking in an area of the paper that shouldn't be soiled. It's disheartening. Generally for me this means it's time to get in the shower because I don't think toilet paper is really going to do justice back there.
Ok well that whole paragraph was pretty disgusting and you guys are starting to think "I thought earlier in this post he said there was more to talk about than poop." Well you're wrong. Scroll up and reread what I said. Ok you were right that is what I said but I'm only human.
Apparently some blogger died or something. I hope Keira Knightly doesn't get real mad about my blog and then come to my house to try to kill me with sweet love. That would be a horrible way to go.*
*that's reverse psychology. Secretly I do want Keira Knightly to try to kill me with love overload. Shhhhh.
Allright my biatches. Peace out. Happy Birthday Sarah and Danielle and Scott pretty soon and Wayne and Leah. Thanks for inviting me over for braised lamb, Cheesecakepot.
Shop Dung's 1st annual Blogfest 2006 is in the works. We're going to take a day off this summer and head to the roller coaster capital of the world to ride the Top Thrill Dragster. Leave your kids, baggage and inhibitions at home and plan to get crazy with us in June.