Sunday, December 25, 2005

Merry Wintertime Holiday Season to All

Hi internet friends. I hope you're all having a nice holiday timeframe. We had a lovely dinner and drinks at my mother and father in law's house last night and saw santa claus and took a million pictures and videos and exchanged gifts and had a great time. This morning we had a fantastic brunch at the wondercouple's house, took a few more pictures and videos drank some more alcohol and I rearranged the Merry Christmas blocks on the fireplace to say "Hire My Ass". This was also a very good time and now that we're home relaxing I thought I'd say hi to my internet friends and write a few letters a la the lovely Sarah. So here you go.

Dear Playskool,
Thank you for being an "educational" company that misspells skool. Good work on that.

Dear Tonka,
Thank you for making the awesomest bulldozer ever and for keeping my son from being a whiny biatch for like 45 whole min.

Dear Mattel,
Shake-N-Go Racers tm are awesome, your packaging however, is not. Thank you for the 4 lacerations, 3 broken eardrums, 2 minor eye abrasions and the anal tear. Maybe you don't have kids but when it takes 37 hours to get the Racers out of the package, kids get all kinds of effing crazy. Stop with the goddamned razor wire twist ties already. Jesus H Christ.

Dear Home Depot/Toys R Us assembly instruction writer,
Blow me.

That's all for now, thanks for reading the blog this year. It's almost been one whole year since I started. I know the quality isn't always there but at least the quantity isn't there either so even though the stuff I write sucks it lately at least I don't write that often.

Merry Christmas,

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Ripping off Virgil

Johnny Virgil has some funny searches that have landed people on his site. His commentary about them is equally funny if not funnier. I don't have any commentary but holy crap people get to my blog with some effed up searches. I mean #1 is just sacriligious and #8 I can't even count the number of things I've lost up there.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Not 100% truthful advertising

I recently bought a shirt made by a company called Under Armour tm. They always show the shirts in thier ads without a person but as if a very fit body were in it. I assumed this was because when you wore the Under Armour that's how you would look. That's what made me buy it.

Unfortunately when I got it and tried it on it didn't look exactly like the ads. I mean I still look totally hot but just not as good as the hardbody they advertise. I took a picture of me in my new Under Armour just to show you how well it works.

Friday, December 16, 2005

5 Weird Habits

I got tagged by Mel. First like the normal way then from behind. Wait that was something different..... um she just wanted me to tell you about 5 weird habits I have.

  1. I eat all of each individual item on my plate before I move to the next item usually in the reverse order of how much I like each item. So I eat all my french fries then my quarter pounder or all my salad then all my vegetables then my steak then my mashed potatoes and gravy.
  2. The first thing I do when I enter my own house every night is wash my hands. I also wash my hands like 1000 times a day, and I generally will wash my hands when I go to somebody else's house within a few minutes of being there.
  3. I have a clean nostril obsession. Which means I twist up toilet paper and kleenex and shove it up in there to get any possible grossness out. I know that's supposed to be not healthy or something but I hate thinking there might be something in my nose.
  4. I rinse/wash every glass I take out of a cupboard before I will use it. I do this for other people too.
  5. I turn each sock inside out and shake out and pull off any lint/possible toejam fodder before I put the sock on.

I really have some OCD issues. It's almost uncomfortable to be forced to think about all of my them. I could have made a list of 20 weird things but they all would've sounded similar.

I tag - Danielle, Sarah, Scott, Toren and Carly. Don't bitch about me tagging you because you know you liked it.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Shit covered tinsel

There aren't a lot of things that just completely and thoroughly disgust me. I've got a pretty strong stomach and general overall constitution but I now must disabuse you of one misconception. The misconception that I am a fan of poop. Although I talk a lot about poop, you will notice that most of the discussion centers around ridding myself of the existence of feces, the odor of feces and the overall general disgustingness of feces. My inventions are all feces/feces odor eliminators. Animals, on the other hand, love the feces. They dig in it, roll in it, eat it and play with it. This is why I hate pets. Yeah dogs are awesome. Dogs also lick their anuses and then your face. Dog people are cool with that. I'm not. Maybe you're a cat person well here's why I'm not.

1. People with cats smell like they have cats. Now the ocd readers who have cats are saying "no I keep the litterbox spotless" or "no I built a special room for the cats to shit in" or "no my litterbox is motorized and cleans itself 30 seconds after the cat soils." Trust me I know all this stuff because I was you a year ago. And while some are certainly better than others, cats stink up your house and you.

2. Cats piss on your stuff. "Not my cat" really just means "Not yet mine hasn't" Your cat will piss on something you really like someday. I hope you enjoy it. I don't.

3. Cats puke up living spaghetti. Yeah. This made me almost puke. My cat had a tapeworm and puked the whole thing up on the fireplace hearth one day. It was still moving and it looked like a plate of spaghetti. This is almost the most disgusting thing ever. If it weren't for the final straw and the final reason I won't ever have a cat again. Reason #4.

4. Cats eat tinsel. Tinsel is basically shiny string. Why a cat would eat the fucking stuff is beyond me but cats are retarded and cats eat shit from their own anuses so psychoanalysing a cat is futile. Merely eating the tinsel however isn't really what I take issue with. Where I have a problem is when a cat who has recently partaken of this shiny metal treat takes a poop but only about 30% of the length of the tinsel leaves the colonand it DOESN'T BREAK! So kitty drags his newfound shit covered tinsel tail around the house until yours truly either a.) finds it on an object that is has snagged on or b.) extracts it manually.

Well guess what I'm not doing this Christmas. Sorry kitties. I hope you're doing well.

Friday, December 09, 2005

What have I been doing?

A lot of time has passed since my last blog post. I've matured. I've grown to realize there's more to life than making fun of the handicapped. There's more to talk about than poop. I've grown up. I've changed for the better. I've been out campaigning for retard levies. I've been trying to help the blacks shake off the opression of "the man" and I've been spending a great deal of time doing the following.
  1. Losing at online poker.
  2. Losing at fantasy football.
  3. Losing at losing weight.
  4. Wiping
  5. Surfing porn
  6. Not sleeping
  7. Sharda
  8. Secretly not doing what I'm supposed to not be doing at work and secretly not talking to the people I'm not supposed to be talking to.
  9. Steph
  10. Your mom

I know I know, that's a lot of stuff and it's hard to believe I'm able to accomplish it all. Well some of it happens while I'm asleep. 7 and 9 come to mind for example. A lot of people were hoping I'd include 10 on that but no. I am in fact spending a lot of time doing your moms.

I'm open to suggestions for new wiping techniques. I really think I need to give up premoistened wipes. While I firmly believe my anus is as clean as they come, I am beginning to think that's not really how your anus was intended to be maintained.

Also on that front, or rear as it were, I sometimes wipe after a bad poop and like after 2 or 3 wipes I will perform a blanket wipe to zero in on problem areas. This is not a normally occurring thing but it's disturbing when it occurs. The general gist of it is I pretty much focus right on the centerhole. Like J. Geils used to say "na na nana nana Anus is the Centerhole". Anyway if you wipe like me you realize that the area requiring maintenance is usually a pretty focused region but every once in a while I stick the paper down there after a pass I observe streaking in an area of the paper that shouldn't be soiled. It's disheartening. Generally for me this means it's time to get in the shower because I don't think toilet paper is really going to do justice back there.

Ok well that whole paragraph was pretty disgusting and you guys are starting to think "I thought earlier in this post he said there was more to talk about than poop." Well you're wrong. Scroll up and reread what I said. Ok you were right that is what I said but I'm only human.

Apparently some blogger died or something. I hope Keira Knightly doesn't get real mad about my blog and then come to my house to try to kill me with sweet love. That would be a horrible way to go.*

*that's reverse psychology. Secretly I do want Keira Knightly to try to kill me with love overload. Shhhhh.

Allright my biatches. Peace out. Happy Birthday Sarah and Danielle and Scott pretty soon and Wayne and Leah. Thanks for inviting me over for braised lamb, Cheesecakepot.

Shop Dung's 1st annual Blogfest 2006 is in the works. We're going to take a day off this summer and head to the roller coaster capital of the world to ride the Top Thrill Dragster. Leave your kids, baggage and inhibitions at home and plan to get crazy with us in June.

Thursday, December 08, 2005


the greatest post ever written. I think it will be here tomorrow.