Hi internet friends. I hope you're all having a nice holiday timeframe. We had a lovely dinner and drinks at my mother and father in law's house last night and saw santa claus and took a million pictures and videos and exchanged gifts and had a great time. This morning we had a fantastic brunch at the wondercouple's house, took a few more pictures and videos drank some more alcohol and I rearranged the Merry Christmas blocks on the fireplace to say "Hire My Ass". This was also a very good time and now that we're home relaxing I thought I'd say hi to my internet friends and write a few letters a la the lovely Sarah. So here you go.
Dear Playskool,
Thank you for being an "educational" company that misspells skool. Good work on that.
Dear Tonka,
Thank you for making the awesomest bulldozer ever and for keeping my son from being a whiny biatch for like 45 whole min.
Dear Mattel,
Shake-N-Go Racers tm are awesome, your packaging however, is not. Thank you for the 4 lacerations, 3 broken eardrums, 2 minor eye abrasions and the anal tear. Maybe you don't have kids but when it takes 37 hours to get the Racers out of the package, kids get all kinds of effing crazy. Stop with the goddamned razor wire twist ties already. Jesus H Christ.
Dear Home Depot/Toys R Us assembly instruction writer,
Blow me.
That's all for now, thanks for reading the blog this year. It's almost been one whole year since I started. I know the quality isn't always there but at least the quantity isn't there either so even though the stuff I write sucks it lately at least I don't write that often.
Merry Christmas,
-JMan
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9 comments:
I love you, John.
You say all the things I'm too damned polite too.
I also have an anal tear from trying to get a BABY TOY out of the box. A BABY toy.
HeyJohn, blow me.
I mean, Merry Christmas and goodwill to all men. And women.
Adult toys are hard to get out of the box, too.
I can only hope that means what I think it does.
Sexual innuendo? Well, I never! ;)
I've seen some that looked like they'd be pretty hard to get into the box.
and another thing, i cut myself trying to get curtain rods out of the plastic encarceration they arrived in on xmas day. they're curtain rods. why would THEY need to be encased in a plastic prison.
What IS the deal with those toys?? We had a similar situation. One of the things we opened was actually SCREWED into the packaging. I had to get a SCREW DRIVER to unscrew the stupid $15.00 keyboard out of the packaging. WTF!!
Glad you had a happy Christmas!
I think I'd be most mad at the person who gave me curtain rods for xmas, not at the packaging. But that's just me.
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