Friday, October 21, 2005

Shop Dunctionary - A guide for the Shop Dungs reader

I'm heading to Vegas and so in my absence I leave you with this. A reference guide for Shop Dungs. Definitions for the inane language used here.

assclown - one who in every attempt to be funny always ends up being a complete a-hole
asspirate - one who plunders the ass of another without commission from it's rightful owner
asswipe - one who is equal in value to that with which one would wipe one's ass
premoistened wipe (PMW) - the single greatest invention of our generation
douche - every moron that does something you can't stand and who makes you want to punch them in the neck
weenjammer - a complete and total douche who tries to be cool but ends up just sucking total bag
D.O.O.D.U - the distributed odor displacement unit. One of my greatest inventions.
Shop Dungarees - the most awesome pair of pants you will ever own
jerkwad - the wad resulting from a furious jerking or a person equivalent to same

jerkass - just click on the word
hor - Sarah or Danielle or any of their friends
hot spare - a really smokin' chick that can stand in at a moment's notice when one of our female lunch crew is unavailable
hot spares - an extra pair of Big Yank underpants you keep in your car for the in the hopefully rare yet horrible event that you shart or completely shit in your pants at work
gapestry - a length of toilet paper hung from the top of the stall used to cover up the gap next to the door
hard charger - an overzealous achiever of position usually regarding elevator entry
monkey puncher - somebody who is stupid enough or computer illiterate enough to actually attempt to punch the monkey on one of those stupid pop up ad banners that has the monkey sliding back and forth.
monkey punching douche - somebody who totally hoses your computer every time they touch it.

So there you have it. You're now armed with my vocabulary to go out and conquer the world with. Good luck. Enjoy.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

more bugs

spiders creep me out pretty bad. I've been working on cleaning and painting my garage and putting epoxy on the floor. I will post some before and after pics here soon. However, this post is about all the gross stuff that was living in my garage. While dusting out all the cobwebs, I must've hit a little nest of baby spiders or something because these little red spider looking bastards fell on me and bit me a few times. They were tiny but I could feel where they bit me for a long time. It kinda burned and then itched after awhile. As I continued the cleanup effort, I saw a pretty creepy looking spider come up from the floor between the concrete of the floor and the concrete of the poured wall. I remember reading or hearing one time that if a bug isn't camoflauged it's because it's poisonous. Well this spider was just dingy brown all over except its abdomen was bright white. I smashed it because I thought it was a brown recluse and I didn't feel like having big chunks of my flesh die from his bite. I think after doing a little research though that it was a woodlouse spider. He looked like this.

The next night after that we had this insane midge invasion. The entire front of my house was covered with them. They were talking about them on the news but the worst was my garage. The ceiling in my garage is white but when the midges came there were so many it was basically black. I fog bombed them and woke up to this in the morning.

today was the final day of painting and for the most part the garage was free of bugs and general grossness but as I was finishing painting one wall I looked down and saw this.

That big hairy ugly bastard is a wolf spider. It's called that because it eats small children. Maybe not but jesus christ enough with the bugs. ehkkk. I can't tell you how many times during this crap I've brushed against an inanimate object and totally freaked out swatting at it.

I think if you click on the pictures you can see the full size images. The first spider picture is one I found on the internet because I squished him before I could get a picture. The other 2 pics are ones I took. I got pretty close to that wolf spider to take that picture. Close enough that I can't really sleep right now.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

everything stinks

not figuratively but literally. Downtown Cleveland is really starting to smell like Bourbon Street in N.O. Entering the building I work in, if you come in the North side it smells like somebody tried to cure their diarrhea by lighting their anus on fire. If you come in from the West, well it's slightly better. From the West side it just smells like pee. Actually I guess like somebody peed on the guy who lit his anus on fire maybe. I don't know. It's not good whatever it is. Why does everything have to stink so bad? Gosh dammit it's horrible.

Anyway this morning while I was doing the coin toss to determine whether the burning ass or pee entrance was going to be my gateway to paradise today, I started across the street before I realized the don't walk sign guy was flashing red. So I knew I wasn't going to make it to the other side at my current pace before the light turned green. I broke into the classic half-assed 'I don't want to seem like I'm running' run to get the eff out of the way and it occurred to me that this was a sort of personality test. You see there are 2 types of people in the world and you can categorize them by their answer to this question. Decide which one you are and then scroll down to see how closely it matches your personality type (I did it, it's kinda scary how true it is).

When you're in a crosswalk and the light starts flashing or god forbid the opposing traffic light turns green do you a.) make some effort to get out of the roadway more quickly or b.) keep walking at the same pace you were walking at all along because 'hey the cars are stopped and they're not going to run me over'? Choose whether you're person a or person b then scroll.

If you are person a, you are likely a reasonable and logical person who values his or her time enough to understand that other peoples' time is also valuable and as such is willing to inconvenience themselves slightly for the greater good of following some guideline for conduct.

If you are person b, well, I fucking hate you.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

first the wife now the fortune cookie

even my effing fortune cookie has to make a crack about my tiny wang
eff you fortune cookie

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Shop Dungar-bees

My house is infested with bees. Mostly they're harmless. They're really lethargic and they just come into the house and die for the most part. But some of these bees are total bitches and today they finally crossed the line. To this I say fuck bees*. I hate bees so much. Some people are all "if you leave them alone they will leave you alone." I left them alone, they bored through the concrete in the front of my house and started pissing me off. Therefore I declared a jihad on bees. I won.

Exhibit A - the bees (the lighter colored stuff is not dust or dirt, it's bees covered with Sevin)

Exhibit B - The shop vac a.k.a the bees' collective grave. (the entire bottom of the shop vac is bees about an inch and a half thick.)

* - I should make an editorial comment in case some joker comes along to tell me what I already know. These are in fact not bees. They are wasps, specifically yellow jackets. The one key difference from my perspective is wasps can sting your ass many times. This "if I sting you I die" concept is the main deterrent for bees. Not so for wasps. That's why wasps suck. But saying fuck wasps just isn't as funny.