Friday, October 21, 2005

Shop Dunctionary - A guide for the Shop Dungs reader

I'm heading to Vegas and so in my absence I leave you with this. A reference guide for Shop Dungs. Definitions for the inane language used here.

assclown - one who in every attempt to be funny always ends up being a complete a-hole
asspirate - one who plunders the ass of another without commission from it's rightful owner
asswipe - one who is equal in value to that with which one would wipe one's ass
premoistened wipe (PMW) - the single greatest invention of our generation
douche - every moron that does something you can't stand and who makes you want to punch them in the neck
weenjammer - a complete and total douche who tries to be cool but ends up just sucking total bag
D.O.O.D.U - the distributed odor displacement unit. One of my greatest inventions.
Shop Dungarees - the most awesome pair of pants you will ever own
jerkwad - the wad resulting from a furious jerking or a person equivalent to same

jerkass - just click on the word
hor - Sarah or Danielle or any of their friends
hot spare - a really smokin' chick that can stand in at a moment's notice when one of our female lunch crew is unavailable
hot spares - an extra pair of Big Yank underpants you keep in your car for the in the hopefully rare yet horrible event that you shart or completely shit in your pants at work
gapestry - a length of toilet paper hung from the top of the stall used to cover up the gap next to the door
hard charger - an overzealous achiever of position usually regarding elevator entry
monkey puncher - somebody who is stupid enough or computer illiterate enough to actually attempt to punch the monkey on one of those stupid pop up ad banners that has the monkey sliding back and forth.
monkey punching douche - somebody who totally hoses your computer every time they touch it.

So there you have it. You're now armed with my vocabulary to go out and conquer the world with. Good luck. Enjoy.

17 comments:

Sarah said...

This is amazing. I will miss you while you're in Vegas. I guarantee you will meet douches and assclowns out the wazoo while you are there.

slcup said...

This was very informative. I always learn so much when I come here. Can I be a hor, too?

Sarah said...

SLCUPS, you are totally a hor. Also you should know that you are an offsite hot spare. They call you Hot Sparah.

slcup said...

That's the coolest name ever! I feel so complete and naughty now.

LizzieDaisy said...

How about "Ignoranus" for that extra special person who is both ignorant and an asshole? Seems to fit the list. :)

John said...

I like it. Consider it added to my vocabulary.

Melanie was here said...

Would you consider adding "Melanie is my hero" to your vocabulary?

Beck said...

I think this list was just for me...

Lo Lo Lova said...

Hope you are having fun in Vegas. Things around here will be dull without you!

"Peter... watch out for your cornhole, man..."

John said...

Beck. That's obviously true.
Mel - obviously it's already there.
Lolo - I just saw Michael Bolton

Lo Lo Lova said...

THAT IS AWESOME!!!

Michael Bolton: Yeah, well at least your name isn't Michael Bolton.

Samir: You know there's nothing wrong with that name.

Michael Bolton: There was nothing wrong with it... until I was about 12 years old and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys.

danielle said...

i think i want to plunder things more often. what do you think?

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

"Peter... watch out for your cornhole, man..."

Johnny V gave me an alarm clock that plays that line.

Classic.

LizzieDaisy said...

Did you move there or what? Geesh... 11 days. Not that I'm counting...

Melanie was here said...

John - please come back. Lo Lo and I are missing you! She's in the corner weeping!

Lo Lo Lova said...

I'm still weeping! You okay?

Johnny Virgil said...

I am pretty sure his ween is jammed.