What have I been doing?

A lot of time has passed since my last blog post. I've matured. I've grown to realize there's more to life than making fun of the handicapped. There's more to talk about than poop. I've grown up. I've changed for the better. I've been out campaigning for retard levies. I've been trying to help the blacks shake off the opression of "the man" and I've been spending a great deal of time doing the following.

1. Losing at online poker.
2. Losing at fantasy football.
3. Losing at losing weight.
4. Wiping
5. Surfing porn
6. Not sleeping
7. Sharda
8. Secretly not doing what I'm supposed to not be doing at work and secretly not talking to the people I'm not supposed to be talking to.
9. Steph
10. Your mom

I know I know, that's a lot of stuff and it's hard to believe I'm able to accomplish it all. Well some of it happens while I'm asleep. 7 and 9 come to mind for example. A lot of people were hoping I'd include 10 on that but no. I am in fact spending a lot of time doing your moms.

I'm open to suggestions for new wiping techniques. I really think I need to give up premoistened wipes. While I firmly believe my anus is as clean as they come, I am beginning to think that's not really how your anus was intended to be maintained.

Also on that front, or rear as it were, I sometimes wipe after a bad poop and like after 2 or 3 wipes I will perform a blanket wipe to zero in on problem areas. This is not a normally occurring thing but it's disturbing when it occurs. The general gist of it is I pretty much focus right on the centerhole. Like J. Geils used to say "na na nana nana Anus is the Centerhole". Anyway if you wipe like me you realize that the area requiring maintenance is usually a pretty focused region but every once in a while I stick the paper down there after a pass I observe streaking in an area of the paper that shouldn't be soiled. It's disheartening. Generally for me this means it's time to get in the shower because I don't think toilet paper is really going to do justice back there.

Ok well that whole paragraph was pretty disgusting and you guys are starting to think "I thought earlier in this post he said there was more to talk about than poop." Well you're wrong. Scroll up and reread what I said. Ok you were right that is what I said but I'm only human.

Apparently some blogger died or something. I hope Keira Knightly doesn't get real mad about my blog and then come to my house to try to kill me with sweet love. That would be a horrible way to go.*

*that's reverse psychology. Secretly I do want Keira Knightly to try to kill me with love overload. Shhhhh.

Allright my biatches. Peace out. Happy Birthday Sarah and Danielle and Scott pretty soon and Wayne and Leah. Thanks for inviting me over for braised lamb, Cheesecakepot.

Shop Dung's 1st annual Blogfest 2006 is in the works. We're going to take a day off this summer and head to the roller coaster capital of the world to ride the Top Thrill Dragster. Leave your kids, baggage and inhibitions at home and plan to get crazy with us in June.