There aren't a lot of things that just completely and thoroughly disgust me. I've got a pretty strong stomach and general overall constitution but I now must disabuse you of one misconception. The misconception that I am a fan of poop. Although I talk a lot about poop, you will notice that most of the discussion centers around ridding myself of the existence of feces, the odor of feces and the overall general disgustingness of feces. My inventions are all feces/feces odor eliminators. Animals, on the other hand, love the feces. They dig in it, roll in it, eat it and play with it. This is why I hate pets. Yeah dogs are awesome. Dogs also lick their anuses and then your face. Dog people are cool with that. I'm not. Maybe you're a cat person well here's why I'm not.
1. People with cats smell like they have cats. Now the ocd readers who have cats are saying "no I keep the litterbox spotless" or "no I built a special room for the cats to shit in" or "no my litterbox is motorized and cleans itself 30 seconds after the cat soils." Trust me I know all this stuff because I was you a year ago. And while some are certainly better than others, cats stink up your house and you.
2. Cats piss on your stuff. "Not my cat" really just means "Not yet mine hasn't" Your cat will piss on something you really like someday. I hope you enjoy it. I don't.
3. Cats puke up living spaghetti. Yeah. This made me almost puke. My cat had a tapeworm and puked the whole thing up on the fireplace hearth one day. It was still moving and it looked like a plate of spaghetti. This is almost the most disgusting thing ever. If it weren't for the final straw and the final reason I won't ever have a cat again. Reason #4.
4. Cats eat tinsel. Tinsel is basically shiny string. Why a cat would eat the fucking stuff is beyond me but cats are retarded and cats eat shit from their own anuses so psychoanalysing a cat is futile. Merely eating the tinsel however isn't really what I take issue with. Where I have a problem is when a cat who has recently partaken of this shiny metal treat takes a poop but only about 30% of the length of the tinsel leaves the colonand it DOESN'T BREAK! So kitty drags his newfound shit covered tinsel tail around the house until yours truly either a.) finds it on an object that is has snagged on or b.) extracts it manually.
Well guess what I'm not doing this Christmas. Sorry kitties. I hope you're doing well.
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12 comments:
You mean to tell me you don't have cats? What the hell is that smell around your cube, then?
your mom.
Hey, my mom was cremated. She doesn't smell. (Anymore)
I'm so happy you hate cats as much as me. I mean I hate that you hate dogs, but I will deal with it since you harbor so much hatred for cats. Also cats sit on the kitchen table and counters right where you are preparing food. That is gross. Just FYI.
i thought the living spaghetti incident was the worst thing i've ever heard in life, but then you went and outdid yourself. tinsel poop train is fantasticly much more horrible.
I wasn't prepared for this at all. I...I'm in awe. You've completely out done yourself. Kudos.
I'm so glad I'm allergic to cats. Now I know I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever have one for sure! I don't really like them to begin with, but this really seals the deal. Oh no - I just threw up a little in my mouth.
I have that happy bunny button. :)
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, well my shepherd ate the cat's poop right out of the box like it was doggie treats or something so I don't think they're any better. But yeah, once the cats are gone, we're not getting anymore. I like the gecko though... so far, the only gross thing it does is eat crickets and debugging the house isn't so bad.
tinsel trails... that's really festive. and sick. dang. i'm really not sure why I come here since you never come to my blog, but I think it's morbid curiousity. :)
how do you know I don't come to your blog. I just went to your blog looking for your old profile photo.
what a visual. good stuff.
I tagged you.....check it out, weirdo (you know I mean that with nothing but love!).
Actually I just figured cause you never comment. And I don't know cause I get Ohio people and that's about all I know about you. But still, I just figure. :)
And my other picture is in that 100 things about me area. I think it's under um. If you're really desperate. Ha. But thanks for trying. I totally feel better now.
My cat once ate a string and pooped part of it out, it was following her about. I figured out what it was and just stepped on it -- and she pulled herself OFF of it. That was gross. But you made me laugh out loud. Thanks JP!
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