Monday, February 07, 2005

Interviewing tip

One good way to ensure that you get a second interview or possibly the job offer itself is to call your interviewer a bastard, or even better call your interviewerS plural B-A-S-T-A-R-D-S. Right. You heard me right. The thing is you have to differentiate yourself from the weenjammers and ass-kissers. A little interviewer deprecation can be just the right touch to seal the deal. I speak from experience.

3 years ago this past November I interviewed for a job I was wholly unqualified for. It required some miscellaneous certifications, a college degree, a driver's license and a clean criminal record. I was certified crazy, with a degree in total sweetness from the Weenjammer Institute, a license to ill and a clean criminal record. I had 1 out of 4 and figured my smooth style would win them over once I got an interview by lying about the other 3. So anyhoo, I finally got a call to come in for an interview after submitting my resume (a perfect attendance certificate from 3rd grade).

In the interview they asked me some very high level technical questions about how you reply to all and what is a reboot both of which I guessed on. One question they asked me was if the CEO had a problem and 20,000 users had a different problem at the exact same time which would you handle first. To my credit, I am lazy enough to always think of the answer that requires the least effort on my part, so I said "I'd probably ask one or both of you to help me." I saw their eyes light up. They'd interviewed their share of total douches by this time so it was a refreshingly different approach than they were accustomed to. Apparently the glory seekers before me tried to come up with some great plan of attack that maximized their visibility and greatly improved their chances of impressing the higher ups. That's their dealI guess. As for me, I'm already starting to wonder if they're taking me to lunch since it's getting close. At about 11:15 they finally ask me "you want to go get some lunch?"

I say "sure where do you guys want to go?" They mention a pretty nice place a friend recommended and they also mention the place they usually take people so I agree to the former and we head out. As we near our destination I notice something about the people in the restaurant. Unlike the 2 guys I'm with, the people inside actually know how to use an iron. So I check the menu and the stuff sounds a little fluflu for me and these guys I'm with look homeless so I say what's the other place like. The tall goofy one says "it's a steak place and it's pretty good" so I say "yeah I'm all about steak, let's try that." So on the walk to the other place the tall one asks me how I think the interview is going. I say that I think it's going ok and he says "c'mon like, what are you going to tell your wife when you get home?" so I say "well the first thing I'll probably tell her is how you bastards took me to the cheap place for lunch." So he says to me "did you just call us bastards?" and I say "yeaahhhhhh, was that not good interviewing technique?" and he says "well I mean, there is the possibility that I don't know who my dad is and so you go and say something assinine like that and I just break down and start crying right in the middle of the street." So I say "yeah I suppose if you did that I wouldn't figure my chances were too good of landing the job." Then they both laughed.

I'm sure given my propensity for it, I made a few more unprofessional comments during lunch but apparently the bastard line was the coup de grace. We still have a good laugh about that occasionally and then I smack them both in the mouth. That's how I roll.

18 comments:

Sarah said...

Danielle and I wanted full approval of who Scott hired, and when he hired you we were like-well, what's his deal? And Scott said, "Well...he called us bastards in the interview." It was then that I knew they had made the right choice. Although the first time you met me you hated me, but that is a different post.

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

You're my feckin hero. Feckin is Irish slang for fuckin, if you didn't know.

Johnny Virgil said...

Jim called me a bastard after I interviewed him, but it was under his breath, and I saw him flipping me off in the reflection on the window.

Erik with a K said...

i didn't have the stones to call my interviewers bastards.

Now here's the great part - I was interviewed by Dick Harder. Dick would NOT be called Rick, or Richard or Richie. He was a Dick. Harder. And guess where Dick worked before coming to this bank? You guessed it - Wang.

Classic.

Johnny Virgil said...

another funny addendum to Erik's post: Dick Harder had a guy who worked for him named Joe Seamen.

Anonymous said...

which one had the little "sugar glider" rodent things in his pocket? I'm repressing some memory here.

~C

Anonymous said...

That was me with the sugar gliders! And, by the way, I am dead. See, I told you the government was out to get me.

Keep Smiling!
Dennis Eldrige, Jr.

not sure if I got his name right? /Shamus

Scott said...

This is a completely true story. When John's grandkids are old enough he will gather them around the campfire and tell them this tale.

Sarah said...

And then his grandkids will be like, "You're a total douche, grampa."

John said...

BTW the tall goofy one is my boss.

Anonymous said...

Ewww, no, Paul Dean... he is dead though, that's right. How tacky to make fun of him!!!

~C

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

Paul Dean Eldridge, Jr! And I'm NOT making fun, I'm recalling the essence that was. If that gives you the willies, then so be it.

Carly said...

Didn't one of those little rats pee on Balfe's hand?

John said...

I peed on Balfe's hand

Anonymous said...

No, I don't mean at Lotusphere. At building 22.

Catching up said...

The rat peed on my hand, and pooped too. And bit my finger. Nasty little rat. I flung it at the window, though, made a satisfying crunch before it slid down to the floor. And it's "Paul Dean Eldridge Junior", please, no "jr." for him. May he rest in peace.

Catching up said...
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Catching up said...
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