Saturday, February 05, 2005

If everything has a purpose

What's the deal with morning wood? If there's a purpose for everything what's its purpose? Girls probably don't give a rat's pajamas about my issues because "you try pushing a bowling ball out your ass, and then tell me about your problems."

So assbowling aside, morningwood is problematic. First of all it's just embarassing. I mean if you stay the night at the in-laws or something and grandma comes in to rouse (not arouse) you in the morning and you've tented-the-sheet, it's a little awkward. Second, everyone has to piss in the morning, that's universal. The problem is, my little friend who's obviously way more awake than I am at this point isn't having anything to do with it. He's not pointing, nor is he willing to be pointed anywhere near the toilet. I suppose if you have a toilet on the ceiling maybe but I don't. So I could stand on my head I guess. I could sit and scoot way back and lean way forward or something. I could think about the face of the lady at work who runs for her bus every day at 5, that would certainly put an end to it. I could have sex (probably with myself) but I think that level of activity would cause a myocardial infarction at that hour. So there's issues is all I'm saying. Childbirth by any comparison is a cakewalk. I'm just kidding. jeez. take it easy.

10 comments:

Erik with a K said...

You're gay.

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

I'm kind of with J-man on this one, although it's one of those things I'm really going to miss when I'm 80. That, and bladder control.

Johnny Virgil said...

After spending a week on the fold out couch at the grandparent's place, I'm pretty sure that its purpose is to say to you "Hey! You didn't have sex last night. Again."

danielle said...

hey, were you also wearing the .5's because that would make you super hot in the image you just gave us.

slcup said...

Coincidentally, I've been taking a survey of my male friends: to hold or not hold while peeing. I don't have this problem and find the varying answers intriguing. One of them actually brought up the morning wood thing and something else: the Split Stream. Interesting and creepy, all at the same time.

Neville said...

I'm glad some guy finally had the balls to write so honestly about morning wood. Came across your blog by a random wrong click but the post title 'caught my attention.' i think you're "no sex for a week" purpose is probably the best explanation for it.

Sarah said...

Ew--split stream? Ew!

slcup said...

Yeah - according to one guy, you never know if/when it's going to happen, but you should always be prepared for it. Maybe that's what the Boy Scouts were talking about when they said to always be prepared. He failed to mention what you do if it occurs, and I'm not sure I want to know.
urban princess sarah

John said...

one quick twist or squeeze of the tip will usually consolidate the two streams

mc said...

"A quick twist"...hilarious. It's like a shower head (not to be confused with shower 'head'). What happens if you twist it too far? Spray?