Monday, February 27, 2006

Shop Dungs Guide to the Oscars

The Academy Awards are almost here and I know you all come to this blog for an insider's guide to Hollywood, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences and gambling. That's why I'm prepared to give you the winning picks you'll need to take home the trophy this year at your annual Oscar party.

Picking the winners really couldn't be simpler than it will be this year in the 2006 Academy Awards. If there's one thing AMPAS loves more than a cowboy movie, it's a cowboy movie with great cinematography. If there's one thing they love more than both of those things it's the gays. That's what I call the Brokeback Mountain trifecta. This triumvirate of Oscar gold guarantees the most severe and heinous beating ever delivered by a single film at the Oscars. This troika of Cowboys, Cinematography and Buttsex is as sure a thing as the Vegas oddsmakers have ever seen. This is why it's imperative that you listen to the next sentence.

Pick Philip Seymour Hoffman.
I know that makes no sense but listen, he was awesome as the elephant man in last week's episode of Grey's Anatomy and his standup comedy routine under the pseudonym Jim Gaffigan is unmatched in comic genius. He will win for those 2 things alone, his performance in Capote was gravy.

You know and I know that I have a massive boner right now for Keira Knightley and in fact just Cheneyed my undershorts. Ok maybe you didn't know that but you do now and I'm very sorry for that. However, the Academy is filled with bitter old hags and they no likey the hot young bone raiser named Keira. That is why Dame Edna will win her 33rd straight Oscar. Sorry, I mean Dame Judi Dench. This doesn't really seem to have any rhyme or reason until you realize that Judi Dench is a man, he's gay, and he owns a ranch in Wyoming. Then it's obvious.

Outside of those nuggets, the rest is cake.
  • if Brokeback is involved it will win
  • Wallace and Gromit are awesome
  • King Kong cost a lot to make and therefore wherever Brokeback Mountain is not nominated it will win the "sorry you were up against a gay cowboy cinematographic masterpiece" Oscar.
  • Costume design always goes to gay old period pieces. That means Pride and Prejudice
  • The rest go like this - March of the Penguins, God Sleeps in Rwanda, The Constant Gardner, Don't Tell, Chronic-what?-cles of Narnia, 9, Our Time is Up, Memoirs of a Geisha

Take that shit to the bank, sign the back on the left end as you look at it from the front and cash cash that shit. I'm good for it.

Good Night and Good Luck,

-Shop Dungarees


tfg said...

just Cheneyed my undershorts.

There is coffee on my monitor because of this.

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

The Oscars would be watch-able if they decided the winners based on feats of stregnth/intelligence/creativity. Or if the losers got to give honest non-acceptance speeches. Because you know they all hate the people who win.

russ said...

you are incorrect.

Sarah said...

I'm going to print this post out and hang it up because it is a masterpiece. I for real can't quit you.

LizzieDaisy said...

Cheneyed? I don't even know how to pronounce that though I can imagine it. Don't tell. :)

Anyhoo, moving on... did you watch the gay cowboy movie? I must know. And I've never even heard of half those movies. I'm beginning to wonder about you... hm.

Still, nice writing John boy. I think I'm going to print this and see if they'll take it at the bank. I'm a little short on cash this week.

John said...

I owe you a lot more coffee on your monitor.

what if they had like a tough man cage match for best actor?

I am correct.

I can't quit you either. although I feel kinda gay everytime I come to your blog and see penises on a christmas tree which is like every day.

please please print it and take it into your bank and try to cash it. how awesome would that be.

Carly said...

wallace and gromit ARE awesome and

I don't care who wins what, I just want to see what they're wearing.

I hope someone outdoes Lara Flynn Boyle's drunken scary ballerina outfit.

Dr. Zombie said...

"...and I just cheneyed my shorts..."

This brilliant phrase has just ensured you a place of honor on my blogroll. Hope you don't mind.

And I also hope you don't mind that this has now entered my everyday lexicon.

Brilliant, man. Brilliant

Carly said...

hey - w & g won! I thought of you...