Monday, January 15, 2007

Shavin' a hair butt....2 bits

Ok so you voted for bleached ass, however the actual teaser was "Don't shave your butt (or bleach it)" Luckily for you my loyal readers I have both bleached and shaved my butt so your vote was not wasted.

I suppose most people when you think of shaving your butt would imagine hair removal from the cheeks, likewise I'd guess when people hear "bleached ass" they probably think of bleaching the hair or the dark colored skin around the anus. I guess this is big in Hollywood these days. People in Hollywood are weirdos.

Since I'm obviously not some hollywood freakshow I did not shave my cheeks or bleach my anus, I bleached my cheeks and shaved my anus and these are obviously both completely normal. These two "experiments" occurred roughly 25 years apart.

The bleaching as I recall really isn't that much of a story. Probably about a year ago I sat on something that wasn't up to my standards of cleanliness while I wasn't wearing pants. I don't exactly recall the circumstances. I'm pretty sure Sarah does, however so maybe she'll mention it in the comments section. Anyway, I was concerned that there might be some residual germs or whatever on my cheeks so I decided to scrub them with Softscrub with bleach to ensure their cleanliness. I have some germ/cleanliness issues. I'm pretty sure it's not a good idea to Softscrub your ass cheeks but it gave me the necessary peace of mind to sleep that night.

The butthole shaving is a whole different kind of story. This one unlike the cheek bleaching is the direct result of my germ/cleanliness issues. As a young lad back in the pre-premoistened wipes days I struggled with the idea that a person was expected to poop and then drag a dry sheet of toilet tissue through their hairy ass and call it clean. This was especially troubling since the hair on my ass was a fairly recent acquisition. No I didn't get an anus hair transplant, I was a young lad I said. Hair just started growing in places. Anyway, I decided that it was a stupid design -the putting of hair on my butthole- so I took matters into my own hands, and by matters I mean an old school Gillette Twin Blade.

I fixed the problem but there was an unfortunate side effect. See I think about the time you start growin' hair in weird places you also start sweating in those same places. The hair actually acts as a sort of separator that allows the cooling drying air to pass freely through the region. What I had imagined would be a luxuriously clean and comfortable buttcrack became a slickery mess of sweaty gliding cheeks. The only thing worse than wiping a hairy ass with dry paper is the feeling of never having completely wiped that goes along with a silky smooth sweaty b-crack. It was ill-advised.

So there you have it, I shaved my butthole one time. That's a number that I can assure you will never change.

20 comments:

russ said...

I'm now trying to stop figuring out how you jammed that bic disposable between your cheeks...

Lindystar said...

So about a year ago you participated in something dirty.

Lets see... about a year ago Sarahs blog celebrated it's 1st year anniversary. Ummmmm, dude, you tried to get it on with her hor-blog didn't you?

Is this before or after she started pimping it out?

slcup said...

I'm trying to imagine the contortions you must have done to shave your bung hole without nicking other areas.

I'm a germaphobe, too, so I understand the Softscrubbing of your cheeks. I haven't done that, but I'm not stranger to hand sanitizer. It's good for sanitizing other things, too.

StrangerDanger said...

Holy - "slickery mess of sweaty gliding cheeks"

You


complete me.

danielle said...

oh my god.

Johnny Virgil said...

um, what danielle said.

Beth said...

I did that once...and it was AWFUL when that hair started to grow back!! But "soft scrub" on the cheeks? Now that's goin a little too far!

Hugh Janus said...

I guess I'll rat myself out on this subject as well.

Thank god I have a significant other who is "willing" to do such things for me. Long ago, when asked if she would groom my Janus regions, for god only knows what reason, she said "okay," although it included a hesitant tone and a crinkled nose.

With me it's not for germophobe reasons, it's for a I'm-a-somewhat-hairy-man-who-doesn't-like-man-hair kinda guy. And I also like to have an ass that's as fresh as a country ham, if not as juicy. Plus with the aforementioned contortions that limit range from one angle and the dangly bits that block vision from the other, the use of a helper is assential.

The key to success is the use of trimmers instead of a razor combined with the correct length/depth attachment. Removal of too much hair does indeed result in slimy man-ass (which is worse than a completely ignored oops-i-crapped-my-pants-ass) plus an itchy regrowth phase.

If picturing Dungy-ass performing this maintenance on himself makes you wince, try looking through my ass-istant's goggles.

Sgt said...

Not sure about bleaching your anus, but I sure feel the sudden urge to bleach my eyes after reading that.

Carly said...

::::thud::::

John said...

maybe I should've gone with the guns

Johnny Virgil said...

If that story involves way less of your anus, then yeah, probably.

Lindystar said...

I liked it.

Johnny Virgil said...

hey, I didn't say I didn't like it.

Melanie was here said...

Slimy man ass. That is damn hot.

Sarah said...

Thanks for not clarifying why I would know the circumstances of why you had to bleach your butt. You make it sound like I was there and took part in the Soft Scrubbing of your ass cheeks.

Anyway from what I remember your ass touched the sides of the shower. That's it. It's possible it wasn't your shower, and that's why you were so freaked out. But then again it's you and you are a freak so maybe it was your own shower, and you apparently are not even convinced of the cleanliness of your own bathroom.

Now on the contrary I definitely was a part of the ass shaving. Just kidding I was like a fetus back then. You're old.

danielle said...

dear chop dungs,

i noticed that your site counter is close to hitting the big 100,000. congrats! will you be marking the occasion with a special parts shave or bleach?

your friend,
cheesecakehorpot

karla said...

Did you ever think maybe the reason you were all slick and wet was you were bleeding profusely back there? It can't be easy to see which way you're slinging that blade when you're twisted up like a pretzel.

tfg said...

You had me at "slickery mess of sweaty gliding cheeks."

Kate said...

You're so speaking my language! That sweaty, stuck-together feeling? Exactly why I opted to do the extended bikini line laser hair removal rather than the full bald eagle. After I started the series of laser treatments, my boyfriend asked me how much it would cost to get his b-crack lasered. I told him I didn't know, but warned him NOT to try and shave in there (there are certain places you just don't want to have stubble). I can't wait to tell him there's a man out there who feels his pain...!