The answers to life's most important questions

danielle
at work, when is it ever not a really tight timeframe?
sd - when you're a doctor and I'm a patient
kj - ice cream

russ
Why does mommy always curl up and cry in the corner after your "naked wrestling matches"?
sd - two words....pleasure overload
kj - cuz she cries

Sarah
How come when I'm waiting for an elevator someone always comes up and presses the button even though I already pressed it and it's lit up?
sd - 1 out of every people that arrives at an elevator that you are currently waiting for is a complete tardmulligan. That is to say, GOD if given "the creator's" equivalent of the mulligan in golf would have used a "do over" on this retard.

kj - cuz they need to come too. in the elevator

Johnny Virgil
when you use one of those "seat protectors" in the bathroom stall, does the flappy part go in the front or the back?
sd - Well this is embarassing. I've never considered it an option. I always laid it so the flap went back. But then I thought... I don't really enjoy the sound of shit sliding down the flap. Also I'm sometimes concerned the log might travel in an unexpected direction with the flap resistance. Therefore, I hereby declare that the flap goes forward starting today.
kj - back

Anonymous
Are you supposed to wipe front to back or back to front?
sd - Supposed to? I'm not sure where you're going with this. I think some medical professionals might advise front to back in order to reduce the risk of getting shit in/on your vag/balls respectively. This is because doctors are reckless and always in a hurry except when I'm in the waiting room. Therefore they can't be trusted to recognize when their middle finger has reached the front of their respective anuses and therefore the maximum forward point for shit. This also means that doctors probably have more skidmarks than other professions. From experience, I usually pull a muscle in my back or side when I attempt this maneuver. Therefore I normally wipe employing a very controlled scientific back to front methodology, never using the same section of the toilet paper twice. I also use a premoistened wipe at the end to verify absolute cleanliness.
kj - it's just hard to know
josh - back a to front (I don't know why but my 2 year old chimed in on this one)

ThatGirl7278
Sort of a 2-parter:
Who came up w/ "Admin Pro Day" (the day formerly known as "Secretary's Day")?
sd - in 1952 Harry F. Klemfuss of Young and Rubicam recognized the importance and value of the position of secretary to a company or business for keeping things running smoothly and for "tappin that ass." His goal was to encourage more women to become secretaries and therefore increase his chances of getting laid. Using his skill and experience in public relations (making fart noises with his armpit), Klemfuss, promoted the values and importance of the job of secretaries. In doing so, he also created the holiday in recognition of the importance of secretaries however he also inadvertently associated the position with that of the office whore.
kj - i don't know.

I mean, what's so wrong in saying Secretary? SECRETARY!!
sd - nothing besides the fact that it implies whore
kj - nothing

Toren
Why does my dog only lick it's balls when I am on the brink of sleep. THEN, AFTER I throw a shoe at him, why does he wait a millisecond then do at least 6 more finishing licks knowing there is a match to that shoe waiting in the wings?
sd - because he can
kj - I don't know..... um tinky? I just said tinky.

Melanie was here
Dear Shop Dungs:
I have a question about work bathroom etiquette. Let's just say that one has to drop a deuce at work. At my work we have single bathrooms and the door opens up in our hallway, directly across from the copy room. So, often times when you are exiting the bathroom someone is standing there waiting to use the potty. I try never to do this as I don't want to know the particular smells of my co-workers, and feel that it puts too much pressure on the person coming out of the bathroom. I digress.
The question(s):
a.) is it necessary to own up to causing a stench?
b.) What is the best way to play this off?
c.) Is it best to walk out of the bathroom and act all offended that someone left a foul stench?
d.) Should one act as if nothing smells out of order, like hot stink?
e.) Can I walk out and wave my arm in front of the door and in my best Ace Ventura voice advise people to NOT go in there?
Thanks for your help!
Hugs,

Mel
sd - this question is a 5 parter. I have labeled the 5 parts in the question above for clarity.
a.) necessary no. awesome, yes.
b.) if you still insist on playing it off, I prefer this tactic. bust out of the door with as much energy as possible. run straight to the closest person waiting and yell in a whisper "holy shit man did you see who was in here before me?"
c.) no. see answer b
d.) I'm not sure what you mean here? are you saying hot stink does not smell "out of order"
e.) yes you can if you're retarded or if you work in the cafeteria (just kidding those are the same, I was just trying to confuse the retards)
kj - no. Daddy, I wanna watch my show now.

slc urban princess
Why does my phone ring the second after I either: a) put hand lotion on; or b) take a bite of food?
sd - because I have a web cam hidden by your desk.
kj - what's hand lotion?

Lo Lo Lova
If two trains leave the same station at 3:00pm, and one is traveling east bound at 35 mph and the other is traveling westbound at 20 mph, who in the hell ever has to solve a problem like this outside of high school?
sd - 55 mph
kj - the train driver

russ
Another bathroom etiquette question, if I'm allowed to double dip (not in the bathroom, sicko) --

My current workplace has some weird device for flushing the urinals -- it's not a lever, it's a plate, and you have to hit it pretty hard to get it to start flushing, and really hard to get it to keep going and complete the jorb. Weird, only time I've seen these, and they took me about a month here to master. Well, get to a journeyman level, anyway.

So with the journeymen and apprentices clearly outnumbering the masterers, you'll end up with some, and sometimes a lot of, discoloration of the urinal bowl (yeah, these guys have standing water, they aren't the normally empty kind -- must be related to the effed up flushing mechanism. It's basically a toilet you can't sit on... or at least a toilet you wouldn't wanna sit on).

Anyway, to my question. I walk up to the urinal and see one has the hue of lemonade. I take up residence at the other. I'm not particularly grossed out, but I clearly have a tendency to avoid bodily fluids laying around the workplace. Yay for me. However, last time I was in there, I heard someone come in behind me, and felt a twinge of guilt. Like the first guy there, if he was half a man (which is about right for me), would take one for the team, pee on top of his coworker's tinkle, and leave the place a little better than he found it by flushing both.

Luckily, the person went into a stall, so no worries about the incrimination.

So whaddya think. Two urinals, one tainted... but the possibility of forcing someone else (and since most people in my office are senior to me, someone generally boss-like) to use it (plus, didja ever notice boss-like folks think talking to another guy while both their wangs are out is perfectly ok? Must be a power thing). Now if they don't talk to me I'd know it was cuz I made them double dip on the urinal -- which maybe might be a victory of the moral, or social, or hygenic sense, but still maybe a bit awkward.

Question: Wouldn't you agree? Or no?
sd - no I wouldn't not agree. In other words I think you're right. I pee with destructive force and this pee if deposited in a soiled urinal is likely displacing another man's urine onto my trousers. not really. I never have drips on my pants so I think it probably doesn't matter.
Mostly I'm curious about your daughter's opinion on this.
kj - if you see your boss coming use the pee one if not use the clean one

Ask Shop Dungs

Shop Dungarees is offering a new service to readers. If you have a question you need answered, post it up here on this bitch or send it to me at jmanpain@hotmail.com and I will post the answer. It can be about anything although I will tell you my areas of expertise lie primarily in the poop and computers genres.

Seriously though, there's no question I can't answer. If you've searched high and low and are still searching for the answer to a question that has been bothering you for a long time, you've found the answer right here.

I will also ask my 4 year old the same question and post her answer as well so you have a second opinion.

-JMAN

AHOLE

Ok well sometimes it's hard to tell if I've had too much too drink because I'm pretty much an a-hole 93% of the time anyway. But last night (if you can call it that at 3AM) I had wayyyyyy to much of the sauce. (and I'm not referring to the sauce on Erik with a K's ribs which were amazing and probably the source of another blogpost)

Somehow the alcohol level in my blood* got away from me last night so I'm writing a blogpology to everone that was there especially the hosts and the guests of honor who had no choice really except to tolerate me until somebody would drive me away. (I mean literally not emotionally through the use of abusive/abrasive language)

Individually my accomplishments of last night don't really seem too different than normal me but the frequency of jackassedness (pronounced jack-acid-ness) got high enough that even I realize it and now I have retrospective drunk's remorse. Maybe that's what Toren means when she says "petey helmet."

Here's what I remember that I need to apologize for but I'm not sure this is a complete list.

Erik and Debbie - I apologize for showing up. Being a jackass. and never leaving.
Troy - For calling you an idiot, at least once directly and then I think referencing it several times because I seem to remember you counting the instances with your middle finger(s).
Sarah - I apologize for palming your face I think. And in general for sitting next to you at the poker table.
Danielle - for attempting to tackle you** I think to prevent you from eating some more of the ribs. Oh dear sweet ribs. I am still tasting and enjoying you at 3 AM.
Scott - for making you drive me home during the worst April shitstorm of the last 1000 years.
Johnny V - for not having anything to apologize to you for since we party without you.
Leah - for sending you home with the kids so that I could get out of control drunk enough to feel the need to apologize for it.

* - I seriously believe Erik poured me a glass of Everclear TM with a splash of mango juice and I drank mine and most of Sarah's.
**-I outweigh Danielle by approximately whatever I currently weigh and still couldn't make the tackle. I really did try to tackle her.

Way to go Brownies

Kellen Winslow aside, the Browns drafting has been horrific since their return in '99. I just want to go on record saying awesome 1-2-3 this year. Way to go Brownies. I know it's hard to tell what you're going to end up with in a player but I think we're on the right track with these guys. Let's hope the rest of their picks are offensive linemen now.

I will also say based on very little scouting on my part, Arizona's #1 pick CB Antrel Rolle out of Miami is my pick for steal of the draft. This guy is going to be flat out awesome.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled poop programming.

Monkey Puncher

Family Suckus

Johnny V said since my drawings suck and I'm lazy maybe I could use Family Circus comics and just write new words for them.

Mind your P's and O's

I wrote a comic strip because all the ones in the sunday paper suck it. Mind you I don't think this one is good, I just think it should replace Family Circus or Marmaduke

Handyman

A lot of people think I'm just a computer dork therefore not many people know that I'm as handy with tools as I am with the ladies. Well what I mean is I'm pretty handy with tools. Whatever.

So I've been building a playset for my kids for like a week or so. It's pretty awesome and when it's done it should look something like this.

However the manual has 27 "Steps" and each of the "steps" is exponentially more complicated than the previous step. I grew concerned when I arrived at step 6 pictured below.

However, I persevered and I'm proud to say that step 6 is now complete. I have included photos below of step 6 in it's completed state. It's really starting to look good.

The Big D

I met Hasselhoff in '84. He's pretty tall.

knowledge transfer

In honor of Erik and Danielle who have pasted some entertaining instant messages into blogger, here's one that went down between me and Jack Virgil today. It's a great tool we use for sharing information that's useful to each other. Here's an obvious example of that.

jman- if you ever need to write a script that is repetetive
jman - except for some parameters that constantly change
jman - a guy that was here gave me a good idea
jman - in Excel you make a column for each line of your code
jman - then you insert a column between each of those columns
jman - then you number them going across
jman - then you add the total number of columns to those numbers
jman - so if you have 12 columns, the numbering in column 1 would be 1, 13, 25 etc
jman - then you cut and paste them all into column 1 and sort by number
jman - then column 2 is your ordered script all ready to go
virgil - WTF are you talking about?

Scott's favorite day proves media to be shitstain on society's collective underpants

If you don't read Scott's blog you're probably a halfwitted addle-pate. It's fine though you'll be ok. Calm down. If you do, you know today is one of Scott's Favorite Days. Why? Because the media thinks we give a rat's nuts about some shitpiece that hasn't filed his/her taxes yet. OH MY GOD I WILL PUNCH MY FUCKING TELEVISION!!!!

Here's what I have learned so far this morning thanks to the worthless program called Channel 3 News Today.

• Betsy Kling hasn't done her taxes yet but she knows that she owes Federal but is getting a refund from the state. That's a first for her and her husband. They are filing for an extension, because forever is not long enough apparently to spend 13 minutes and $39 on Turbotax.
• Carol Chandler "just did hers to beat the rush"
• Holly Strano is out because she's on bedrest "working on her 2005 deduction" and making a latch hook rug
• Mike O'Mara is a total douche. Oh and he did his "late last night to beat the rush as well"
• "A lot of the people who wait actually owe money." (wow who would have guessed?)
• At least 4 post offices in the Greater Cleveland Area will cater to your procrastinating ass if you're one of these worthless fucks who not only wait until the last possible day but also the last possible second of that day.

Turns out about 4% of the general population have not filed yet, however 100% of the sample of "media" either filed on April 14th or haven't filed yet. No wonder the news is pure trouser wreckage.

the worst idea

XM radio has a Playboy station that's $2.99 extra a month.
I don't know about you but X-Rated audio isn't really my idea of value.
What do you think they play on that station?
If it's just shitty music from pornos somebody is really pissed for paying that $2.99

halle-freaking-luiah

First Convicted Spammer Gets 9 Years

Eat a cock, spammers. I hope you all rot in hell.

I think the death penalty would send an even stronger message.

the red candy kid

When I was in middle school there was a younger kid that rode my bus who said he wasn't allowed to eat red candy because his mom said it made him crazy. So obviously every day I would bring him wild cherry lifesavers because he totally would freak out. I think it was just good acting. I never figured out if it was for real but that kid sure was awesome when he was acting all crazy.

Then I read this:
http://dsl.snet.net/features/viewpoints/articles/2002/06210101.shtml

Awesome. Sorry crazy red candy freak out kid. I thought you were kidding.

Scott is gay

why I shaved Matt (true stories part II)

It was 1986 I think. Spring. My friend Matt lived across the street and his mom was a school bus driver. That matters for this story.

It was about the same time of year as now and we were ready for spring/summer and ready to get outside and play some sports. The basketball hoop hung on the side of the granary toward the garage. It was a cool place to shoot hoops because the ball wouldn't get too far away from us even if we missed badly. This was also where his mom usually parked the bus when she was home. She had several routes. High schoolers and middle schoolers like Matt and I were on the early route. In the late afternoon she was out picking up the little kids, the afternoon session for Kidergarten and the rest of the elementary school kids.

That's where Matt's mom was when he caught fire.

See the thing was, we were eager and the weather wasn't cooperating. Springtime in Ohio is rainy and crappy, and 1986 was no exception. Where Matt's mom parked the bus, there were big tire ruts that weren't really conducive to playing basketball but when they were full of water they made it impossible. We needed these ruts to be dried out and for some reason that day we couldn't wait any longer for mother nature to take care of it for us.

You might remember that I was a visionary in my youth. An idea man. And I had an idea on how we could dry out the court. FIRE! Matt was totally on board. He had no idea what the fuck I was talking about ever, but he sure loved to burn shit. I explained to him my idea for drying out the court and he was on board.

"We'll fill the water puddles with gasoline" I told him. "Gas is made from oil I think so it won't mix, it will just sit on the top" I had no idea what the hell I was talking about but I had to make it sound good. "Once we get enough gasoline in the puddles we'll light it and it will get so hot it will dry out the water." Matt agreed. He knew I was a goddamned genius.

Matt grabbed his mom's lighter and we headed for the gas. They had several 5 gallon cans in the garage and one smaller one in the milk shed. They called it a milk shed. It was the exact same building as our milkhouse but they said shed so his was a milk shed. I opted for the smaller can so we wouldn't get in trouble for using so much gas. Matt grabbed a 5. We headed to the puddles. The puddles were like 4 inches deep at their deepest, maybe 2 feet wide, (each one the exact width of dual school bus tires) and about 15 feet long or so. I poured a little from my can around the edges of the puddles and tried to talk Matt into a test run. He would have nothing to do with that. That was a pure waste of gas. Then I realized he was planning to light it directly with the lighter. I knew that was retarded.

So I told him about the old starting fluid torch. You hold the zippo out lit in front of the starting fluid and hit the trigger. You can shoot at least a 15 foot flame out so you don't have to be anywhere near the puddle. He was in heaven. We tested the torch a few times and nearly required a change of underwear it was so fucking awesome.

So we started filling the puddles with gasoline, Matt poured way to fucking much. He set the can about 5 feet short of "far enough away" and hit the torch. HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!! THAT IS A MASSIVE FUCKING INFERNO!!!!! Things happened pretty quickly. I'm not sure exactly when I shit my pants but I believe it was sometime between when the flames shot out and engulfed the 5 gallon can and when Matt in his brilliance kicked it over. I was sure the granary was going to be a casualty when the gas started spilling out of the can and I was concerned until I realized Matt was on fire. The fire on Matt was short lived thank god. I think it was just fumes and Matt was inside them but regardless all the hair on the back of his right arm and leg and the back of his neck was singed. The fire was under control and approximately 4 seconds later Matt says, "Can you tell I was on fire, cuz if my mom can tell, I'm dead" He and I had done some retarded shit in our day and knew the worst was if his mom found out. That wasn't an option. When I said yeah that the hair was all singed on both his right arm and leg and the back of his neck, his next statement was pure genius. "You gotta shave me"

So we headed into the house, got out the clippers and I went to town. It was the first time I gave someone a haircut with clippers (a skill I have since perfected) and the second to last time I would shave another guys arms and legs. I had to do both arms and both legs to make it seem "normal" to Matt's mom.

The puddles were untouched. Not a drop of water dryer than before. The granary and garage were intact. We used a lot more gas than we'd hoped. But in all it turned out ok. We saw an awesome fire and Matt got a haircut. I think he told his mom that athletes sometimes shave all their body hair to be less wind resistant. She bought it. He was retarded and it wasn't anything too far different from any of the other stuff he did.

We learned a lesson and it was this. Gasoline fires are pretty awesome. Don't set your full can too close to the action though.

Glossary
Granary - a building for storing grain or porn mags because it's build on stilts it stays dry inside
Milkhouse - a small usually block building for storing milk I guess at one point but now for storing gas and starting fluid and porny mags.

Johnny Virgil on the web

I did an MSN search on Johnny Virgil to see what the web had to say about him.
See the results.