The answers to life's most important questions

danielle
at work, when is it ever not a really tight timeframe?
sd - when you're a doctor and I'm a patient
kj - ice cream

russ
Why does mommy always curl up and cry in the corner after your "naked wrestling matches"?
sd - two words....pleasure overload
kj - cuz she cries

Sarah
How come when I'm waiting for an elevator someone always comes up and presses the button even though I already pressed it and it's lit up?
sd - 1 out of every people that arrives at an elevator that you are currently waiting for is a complete tardmulligan. That is to say, GOD if given "the creator's" equivalent of the mulligan in golf would have used a "do over" on this retard.

kj - cuz they need to come too. in the elevator

Johnny Virgil
when you use one of those "seat protectors" in the bathroom stall, does the flappy part go in the front or the back?
sd - Well this is embarassing. I've never considered it an option. I always laid it so the flap went back. But then I thought... I don't really enjoy the sound of shit sliding down the flap. Also I'm sometimes concerned the log might travel in an unexpected direction with the flap resistance. Therefore, I hereby declare that the flap goes forward starting today.
kj - back

Anonymous
Are you supposed to wipe front to back or back to front?
sd - Supposed to? I'm not sure where you're going with this. I think some medical professionals might advise front to back in order to reduce the risk of getting shit in/on your vag/balls respectively. This is because doctors are reckless and always in a hurry except when I'm in the waiting room. Therefore they can't be trusted to recognize when their middle finger has reached the front of their respective anuses and therefore the maximum forward point for shit. This also means that doctors probably have more skidmarks than other professions. From experience, I usually pull a muscle in my back or side when I attempt this maneuver. Therefore I normally wipe employing a very controlled scientific back to front methodology, never using the same section of the toilet paper twice. I also use a premoistened wipe at the end to verify absolute cleanliness.
kj - it's just hard to know
josh - back a to front (I don't know why but my 2 year old chimed in on this one)

ThatGirl7278
Sort of a 2-parter:
Who came up w/ "Admin Pro Day" (the day formerly known as "Secretary's Day")?
sd - in 1952 Harry F. Klemfuss of Young and Rubicam recognized the importance and value of the position of secretary to a company or business for keeping things running smoothly and for "tappin that ass." His goal was to encourage more women to become secretaries and therefore increase his chances of getting laid. Using his skill and experience in public relations (making fart noises with his armpit), Klemfuss, promoted the values and importance of the job of secretaries. In doing so, he also created the holiday in recognition of the importance of secretaries however he also inadvertently associated the position with that of the office whore.
kj - i don't know.

I mean, what's so wrong in saying Secretary? SECRETARY!!
sd - nothing besides the fact that it implies whore
kj - nothing

Toren
Why does my dog only lick it's balls when I am on the brink of sleep. THEN, AFTER I throw a shoe at him, why does he wait a millisecond then do at least 6 more finishing licks knowing there is a match to that shoe waiting in the wings?
sd - because he can
kj - I don't know..... um tinky? I just said tinky.

Melanie was here
Dear Shop Dungs:
I have a question about work bathroom etiquette. Let's just say that one has to drop a deuce at work. At my work we have single bathrooms and the door opens up in our hallway, directly across from the copy room. So, often times when you are exiting the bathroom someone is standing there waiting to use the potty. I try never to do this as I don't want to know the particular smells of my co-workers, and feel that it puts too much pressure on the person coming out of the bathroom. I digress.
The question(s):
a.) is it necessary to own up to causing a stench?
b.) What is the best way to play this off?
c.) Is it best to walk out of the bathroom and act all offended that someone left a foul stench?
d.) Should one act as if nothing smells out of order, like hot stink?
e.) Can I walk out and wave my arm in front of the door and in my best Ace Ventura voice advise people to NOT go in there?
Thanks for your help!
Hugs,

Mel
sd - this question is a 5 parter. I have labeled the 5 parts in the question above for clarity.
a.) necessary no. awesome, yes.
b.) if you still insist on playing it off, I prefer this tactic. bust out of the door with as much energy as possible. run straight to the closest person waiting and yell in a whisper "holy shit man did you see who was in here before me?"
c.) no. see answer b
d.) I'm not sure what you mean here? are you saying hot stink does not smell "out of order"
e.) yes you can if you're retarded or if you work in the cafeteria (just kidding those are the same, I was just trying to confuse the retards)
kj - no. Daddy, I wanna watch my show now.

slc urban princess
Why does my phone ring the second after I either: a) put hand lotion on; or b) take a bite of food?
sd - because I have a web cam hidden by your desk.
kj - what's hand lotion?

Lo Lo Lova
If two trains leave the same station at 3:00pm, and one is traveling east bound at 35 mph and the other is traveling westbound at 20 mph, who in the hell ever has to solve a problem like this outside of high school?
sd - 55 mph
kj - the train driver

russ
Another bathroom etiquette question, if I'm allowed to double dip (not in the bathroom, sicko) --

My current workplace has some weird device for flushing the urinals -- it's not a lever, it's a plate, and you have to hit it pretty hard to get it to start flushing, and really hard to get it to keep going and complete the jorb. Weird, only time I've seen these, and they took me about a month here to master. Well, get to a journeyman level, anyway.

So with the journeymen and apprentices clearly outnumbering the masterers, you'll end up with some, and sometimes a lot of, discoloration of the urinal bowl (yeah, these guys have standing water, they aren't the normally empty kind -- must be related to the effed up flushing mechanism. It's basically a toilet you can't sit on... or at least a toilet you wouldn't wanna sit on).

Anyway, to my question. I walk up to the urinal and see one has the hue of lemonade. I take up residence at the other. I'm not particularly grossed out, but I clearly have a tendency to avoid bodily fluids laying around the workplace. Yay for me. However, last time I was in there, I heard someone come in behind me, and felt a twinge of guilt. Like the first guy there, if he was half a man (which is about right for me), would take one for the team, pee on top of his coworker's tinkle, and leave the place a little better than he found it by flushing both.

Luckily, the person went into a stall, so no worries about the incrimination.

So whaddya think. Two urinals, one tainted... but the possibility of forcing someone else (and since most people in my office are senior to me, someone generally boss-like) to use it (plus, didja ever notice boss-like folks think talking to another guy while both their wangs are out is perfectly ok? Must be a power thing). Now if they don't talk to me I'd know it was cuz I made them double dip on the urinal -- which maybe might be a victory of the moral, or social, or hygenic sense, but still maybe a bit awkward.

Question: Wouldn't you agree? Or no?
sd - no I wouldn't not agree. In other words I think you're right. I pee with destructive force and this pee if deposited in a soiled urinal is likely displacing another man's urine onto my trousers. not really. I never have drips on my pants so I think it probably doesn't matter.
Mostly I'm curious about your daughter's opinion on this.
kj - if you see your boss coming use the pee one if not use the clean one