back lotionerizer?

How to apply body lotion to your back when no one is around to help you?
You love the feel of a body lotion or bath gel, and now you won’t have to be a contortionist to smooth it on your back by yourself! Simply fill the long-reach applicator with your favorite lotion, and gently “massage” the 19 floating “lotion-lubricated” balls all over your back.
Does anyone see an issue with that ad? I'll tell you what's wrong. That milf in the picture doesn't need the self lotion applicator. She definitely won't have any problem finding a guy to "rub lotion lubricated balls all over her back." They probably should have used this chick if they really want to sell it.

Jesse Jackson can suck my oversized nuts

Can somebody please explain to me why "the reverend" Jesse Jackson ever gets a public forum to voice his political cancer? Goddammit this fucking douche is such a fuckwit assclown. Hey Jesse, how about you support something useful and stop fucking random whores and then supporting them with the money you steal from the non-profits you promote. Nobody gives a flying fuck about your opinion of the Terrell Owens suspension. He's a big boy, and the Philadelphia Eagles are pretty familiar with the everyday issues of running a professional football team. Your arguments on why the suspension is too harsh are priceless I will give you that. Yes a guy who beats his wife and does crack is a bad person who probably should receive a worse suspension than a guy who rots his entire team from the inside out like colon cancer. Yes Terrell Owens is a total douche and a flaming pile of anus cancer and I for one hope the guy never plays football again because he just doesn't fucking get it and anyone who comes out in public support of the guy is an asswipe too. Period. If you think Terrell Owens got a raw deal you're an idiot. If you support Terrell Owens right to say whatever he wants to, I agree with you so long as you support the Philadelphia Eagles right to bench his ass without pay for as long as they feel like it. When his "contract" ends then I say he can do what he wants to. Until then he can sit and not get paid for as long as the Eagles want him to. That's what should happen.

an ode to internet porn - on the eve of my birthday

when you see girls
are you like me?
do feel funny
where you pee?

you rub the thing
that pleases you
and from that place
comes pleasure stew

now that you're done
and things subside
you go to bed
and soil your side

I fixed Johnny V's perfect woman for him

Vegas, Doritos and Hold'em

Well I've missed you guys. Here's the lowdown.

• I made it home safely from my first trip to Vegas.
• I won $750 in a $65-32 player Hold'em tournament at Luxor.
• The founder of the company whose software I was there to see sent me his conference badge in a DHL Express overnight pack because I asked him to. AWESOME!
• I heard some Usher song and some Nickelback song at least 10,000 times while I was there.
• I had 4 women in my hotel room bed the second night I was there.
• Each of those 4 women thinks I'm retarded for a different reason
• I just had some new "better tasting" "Nacho Cheesier" Doritos and they're not good.
• I have pictures of my amazing room at the hotel in Vegas. Holy crap it was awesome.
• I'm becoming more libertarian, objectivist, and atheist every day if that's possible.
  
• Sarah said that everything is black and white to me. I think that's the most accurate thing anyone has ever said about me.
• Sarah's sister and roommates had a fantastic Halloween party on the day I returned from Vegas. I got severely hammered and paid Diane to make out with my wife, took pictures of Kim's and Sarah's racks, tried to take pictures up Sarah's skirt and got ridden by Scott dressed as Barb Wire.
• I took a hot picture of Sarah and The Master Hor as well.

I hope you are all doing well. I'm back in the blog saddle. I will be around to make fun of all your posts soon enough. Peace out motherbitches. I think some hot girls should send me their underthings like I'm a rockstar. You know like girls throw stuff on stage. Or even better, I think you should send me pictures of "Shop Dungarees" painted on your bodies. Yeah, do that. Send me some pictures.
jmanpain@hotmail.com