My dad died November 8th while driving with my mom to a meeting at the church and on my birthday we were at the funeral home planning the service. I got to see my dad and hug him one last time and in that instant I was 7 years old again. That's the last time I would get to see him. I know it's cliche' but he really was the greatest man I ever met. He was humble but confident, gentle but strong, uneducated but brilliant. There are so many things I could say about my dad and I know what I write here won't do him justice but I need to put it in writing for therapeutic reasons. I also wanted to write it down somewhere so that I can look back at it when I need to.
Here's what I will miss the most.
- My parents have lived in the same house since I was 4 years old. As long as I can remember, I could show up there anytime anyday and my dad would be sitting at the kitchen table reading. I want him to be there now so badly it really makes me physically ill when I allow myself to understand that he will never be there again.
- I got my dad his first computer 5 years ago. Since that day he's never ceased to amaze me with his ability to use it. He burned CD's, scanned all of our family photos, completed an electonic version of our family tree back 4 or 5 generations before him and figured out and understood things even I didn't know. But why this one hurts so bad is that practically every day I talked to him on AOL instant messenger. When I allow myself to understand that he will never be on the other end of that chat window, it makes me physically sick with grief.
- His love of my mom
- His love of my brothers and me and our families
- His love of his grandchildren
- His love of our extended family and friends
- His love of music
If you knew my dad you would've loved him. He was funny, sincere honest and good. So many people owed him so much, not in money but in ways that can never be calculated. He and my mom provided a home for someone other than me and my 2 brothers for their first 25 years of marriage. They spent their first 25 years of marriage fully supporting somebody other than their own children!
He and his mom built the first house they actually owned from the time he was 13 until he was 15. He worked during that same period of time as a laborer for a brick mason. He supported his mom and siblings because his dad was too sick to do it and eventually became a gifted bricklayer whose work is still viewable practically everywhere you look in my hometown.
He sent me to college knowing we couldn't afford it but knowing he couldn't afford not to. He couldn't pay for it all but he paid enough to get me where I needed him to.
My dad wasn't without faults, but he was aware of those faults and spent a lifetime trying to overcome them and to help his sons learn from his mistakes. He was proud of all 3 of us and his legacy lives on through us. You may not have been fortunate enough to know my dad but if you know me, you know what he stood for.
Fortunately or unfortunately my dad had to face his mortality in the last few years in dealing with cancer, congestive heart failure(CHF) and the problems that arose from those things. He knew that he was kind of on borrowed time and that knowledge allowed him to open up in the last few years more than all the years before. I was fortunate that all of our chats ended with each telling the other we loved them and we said it every time we saw each other. I'd hate to have to deal with not having said I loved him on top of the unbearable grief of missing him. In the end he beat cancer, and he managed the CHF but the complications of those were more than his body could handle and man could it handle a lot. I know he was in pain and in some really miniscule way it makes it a little easier for me to know that he doesn't have to be in pain anymore.
I love you dad, I miss you more than you can possibly imagine. I hope I manage to do everything you ever thought I could or hoped I would and that I make you proud doing it.
-Jake
12 comments:
John - I can only hope that when I actually have enough nerve to write something about my mother, I can do it with half the eloquence you just did.
I wish I knew him.
Well said, pal.
Thank you for sharing this with us.
You are a lucky man to have such a father and the converse.
yeah, john's neon green hightop all-stars are pretty sweet.
I would bet my entire lifetime's salary that your dad could not have been prouder of you than he was. You are a special person because he was a special person. The most important thing is that he knew you loved him. You took such good care of him and your mom. I'm so sorry. Love you.
That was beautifully written. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Jen told me that if I wanted to cry, I should go read your post.
Well I read it and managed to only let a single tear, or some, slip. So that doesn't count as crying. I'm still tough. Don't make me pummel all of you through the tears. Cuz I will if I hafta.
But Sarah's right. You're special. But more in a retarded sister sort of way.
I'm so sorry for your loss...and scared I might be struggling with the same thing in a week, a month, or a year. It kills me to be here and not there, helping out...
I hope the Balls i left on your phone give your lips some relief.
Awww. That's very sweet. Your dad was lucky to have you.
thank you all for your comments, I've had a really tough time with all this and it really helps to read your comments.
John - I can't even imagine what you are going through! I am so very sorry for this huge loss and the subsquent hole it will leave in your life. But your Dad is never truly gone - he lives on in you and your brothers, your mom, your children and so on. I hope that happy memories of your Dad will bring you comfort. I hope that you speak of him often, as you did here, so that he is never forgotten and so that your heart can heal. Know that he's watching over you from a much better place. And whenever you are missing him, remember him and talk to him. You will never have to look further than your own heart, because he will live on, there in your heart, forever.
Love & Prayers,
Lo Lo
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