Heading to Vegas

I'm off to Vegas tomorrow. I will be there for 3 days. I will own that biatch by the time I come back or at least I will have some sweet stories to tell you. This is a baby step to me getting back to the blog. I know you ladies missed me. That includes my wife who reads this and shakes her head from time to time. So get ready bitches my point fives are already packed.

yeah I'm bloggin

Muhammad Ali's daughter sounds like a dude but she has a pretty sweet rack so I'll overlook it. Plus what the hell is she punching in this picture.

That's gross. Stick to dancing with lowcut tops Laila.

Jordin Sparks is really effing good. She'll probably lose because the general population is retarded but holy crap she's good. Almost as good as your mom was last night.

I'm kinda fat lately, I'm about to kick it up a notch exercise wise because right now I feel like this when I'm putting on my pants in the morning.

Enjoy your bluncheon.
-JMan

Ah Christ

Now we have to listen to the glorification of some effing douche for 3 weeks. I'm sure Scott will be dragged out of hibernation by this effing disaster. I have 3 observations.

• NBC will have 23 news programs in a row that cover "The Massacre at Virginia Tech"
• The phrase "The Largest Single Act of Gun Violence in US History" will only make some other effing pussy go out and try to shoot more people.
• Imus doesn't seem newsworthy now, nor does his "crime" seem even worth mentioning.

Goddammit I don't want to have to hear about this piece of shit for the next 10 days. God I hate our effing shitty media coverage of every piece of shit thing that happens in our country.

Son of a bitch. I'm sorry about the people that died at Virginia Tech but NBC might as well apologize for the next shooting spree that's inevitable because of their shitty glorified coverage.

Fuck the "Largest single act of gun violence in US history" The media in our country continuously commits the largest single act of conscious fucking stupidity every time something bad happens. Effing a-holes.

Here's how the story should be told by every single media outlet.

"Nameless, faceless pussy shoots several random people instead of dealing with anger like a reasonable person." - BLACKSBURG, Va. - Some douche shot a lot of random people today probably because that person couldn't handle being broken up with. Every person we inteviewed who knew the assailant agreed that this person seemed like the kind of douche that would just snap one day and shoot a bunch of people. You can add this person to the list of other nameless faceless morons that did similar things previously each one less notable than the previous.

Now this is happening

Work kinda blows. I'm going to drink these.

My new job

Sarah was crying out for better greeting cards. Since work stinks I decided I'd give writing greeting cards a go. These are the cream of the crop friends.

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What's more pale, you or my butt?

I sent this to Jim Gaffigan through his myspace page.

Dear Jim,

My friends and I would like to hang out with you before the show in Lakewood OH. Have your people call my people. And by my people I mean just call me I guess because I don't have any people unless you count Sarah and Danielle. We will be at Diane and Drew's house in Lakewood. I will be legendary if I can make this happen. Even if you're only there for 10 minutes, it will be long enough for them to realize that I am awesome and for you to realize that we are losers. We're all roughly the same age as you although you have less hair. My friend Chris is whiter than you even though he's black. Sarah will try to make out with you, I will tell your wife that it was all her though so you won't get in trouble. Danielle will definitely try to give you vodka, it could make the show easier if you have some of that. My wife Leah will definitely make out with you if Danielle gets to her first with that vodka. I sure hope you can stop by even just for a quick Three Cheese and Chicken Quesadilla Hot Pocket Tm. Let me know what time you can come.

-John

Shameless Plug

I'm not usually a shamless blog plugging whore especially in a blog entry but my good friend Dale has a new site to display his photography. I enjoyed it and I know he'd appreciate any feedback from any of you fellow blogfolk if you're so incline. I'll be back shortly with a drunk post about ass shaving, guns, fire and disposable swim pants soon.
-John

Shavin' a hair butt....2 bits

Ok so you voted for bleached ass, however the actual teaser was "Don't shave your butt (or bleach it)" Luckily for you my loyal readers I have both bleached and shaved my butt so your vote was not wasted.

I suppose most people when you think of shaving your butt would imagine hair removal from the cheeks, likewise I'd guess when people hear "bleached ass" they probably think of bleaching the hair or the dark colored skin around the anus. I guess this is big in Hollywood these days. People in Hollywood are weirdos.

Since I'm obviously not some hollywood freakshow I did not shave my cheeks or bleach my anus, I bleached my cheeks and shaved my anus and these are obviously both completely normal. These two "experiments" occurred roughly 25 years apart.

The bleaching as I recall really isn't that much of a story. Probably about a year ago I sat on something that wasn't up to my standards of cleanliness while I wasn't wearing pants. I don't exactly recall the circumstances. I'm pretty sure Sarah does, however so maybe she'll mention it in the comments section. Anyway, I was concerned that there might be some residual germs or whatever on my cheeks so I decided to scrub them with Softscrub with bleach to ensure their cleanliness. I have some germ/cleanliness issues. I'm pretty sure it's not a good idea to Softscrub your ass cheeks but it gave me the necessary peace of mind to sleep that night.

The butthole shaving is a whole different kind of story. This one unlike the cheek bleaching is the direct result of my germ/cleanliness issues. As a young lad back in the pre-premoistened wipes days I struggled with the idea that a person was expected to poop and then drag a dry sheet of toilet tissue through their hairy ass and call it clean. This was especially troubling since the hair on my ass was a fairly recent acquisition. No I didn't get an anus hair transplant, I was a young lad I said. Hair just started growing in places. Anyway, I decided that it was a stupid design -the putting of hair on my butthole- so I took matters into my own hands, and by matters I mean an old school Gillette Twin Blade.

I fixed the problem but there was an unfortunate side effect. See I think about the time you start growin' hair in weird places you also start sweating in those same places. The hair actually acts as a sort of separator that allows the cooling drying air to pass freely through the region. What I had imagined would be a luxuriously clean and comfortable buttcrack became a slickery mess of sweaty gliding cheeks. The only thing worse than wiping a hairy ass with dry paper is the feeling of never having completely wiped that goes along with a silky smooth sweaty b-crack. It was ill-advised.

So there you have it, I shaved my butthole one time. That's a number that I can assure you will never change.

Stories on tap

I got some stories to blog for you guys. I decided to make a list of a handful of these stories and then let you guys vote. Then I will post the story that receives the most votes. Then either I will make a new list and we'll vote again or I'll just go in descending order of votes. Here's the list.

Corn in the tub (thanks to Hugh Janus)
Don't shave your butt (or bleach it)
Let's play guns
Playing football with Mr. Glass
Keithus Christ wins the least splash contest
Sweating to the oldies with Dan and Keith in a half bath

Vote it up bitches.

Holy Crap

The Boise State vs Oklahoma Fiesta Bowl was the greatest football game I've ever watched. What a fantastic ending to a fantastic game. I'm so glad Boise State finished their season undefeated once again begging college football for something better than the shitpiece BCS popularity contest. Way to go Boise State I knew you had it in you.

Merry Christmas

Here's some old Christmas photos I came across while going through photo albums at my mom and dad's for the last few weeks.

30 years ago I looked good.



Yes that's a Sit-n-Spin. Eff you cheesecakehor. Also I apparently got a shark which I have been saving for Hor-K-Seriously


I had a Fisher Price House and awesome bedhead in '73.


Here's one of me and my 2 older brothers. Apparently haircuts were optional in '73.

Nothing I write could do this justice

Maybe a blog isn't the best place for this but it's what I have and I've been wanting to write this for awhile. A month ago today I turned 35 and without a doubt it was the worst birthday of my life. It was a Friday, it was unseasonably warm, and as I remember it was a really nice day which is unusual for my birthday. Unfortunately on my 35th birthday I hugged my dad for the last time. For the first time ever he didn't hug me back and it was the worst feeling in the world.

My dad died November 8th while driving with my mom to a meeting at the church and on my birthday we were at the funeral home planning the service. I got to see my dad and hug him one last time and in that instant I was 7 years old again. That's the last time I would get to see him. I know it's cliche' but he really was the greatest man I ever met. He was humble but confident, gentle but strong, uneducated but brilliant. There are so many things I could say about my dad and I know what I write here won't do him justice but I need to put it in writing for therapeutic reasons. I also wanted to write it down somewhere so that I can look back at it when I need to.

Here's what I will miss the most.

• My parents have lived in the same house since I was 4 years old. As long as I can remember, I could show up there anytime anyday and my dad would be sitting at the kitchen table reading. I want him to be there now so badly it really makes me physically ill when I allow myself to understand that he will never be there again.
• I got my dad his first computer 5 years ago. Since that day he's never ceased to amaze me with his ability to use it. He burned CD's, scanned all of our family photos, completed an electonic version of our family tree back 4 or 5 generations before him and figured out and understood things even I didn't know. But why this one hurts so bad is that practically every day I talked to him on AOL instant messenger. When I allow myself to understand that he will never be on the other end of that chat window, it makes me physically sick with grief.
• His love of my mom
• His love of my brothers and me and our families
  
• His love of his grandchildren
• His love of our extended family and friends
  
• His love of music

If you knew my dad you would've loved him. He was funny, sincere honest and good. So many people owed him so much, not in money but in ways that can never be calculated. He and my mom provided a home for someone other than me and my 2 brothers for their first 25 years of marriage. They spent their first 25 years of marriage fully supporting somebody other than their own children!

He and his mom built the first house they actually owned from the time he was 13 until he was 15. He worked during that same period of time as a laborer for a brick mason. He supported his mom and siblings because his dad was too sick to do it and eventually became a gifted bricklayer whose work is still viewable practically everywhere you look in my hometown.

He sent me to college knowing we couldn't afford it but knowing he couldn't afford not to. He couldn't pay for it all but he paid enough to get me where I needed him to.

My dad wasn't without faults, but he was aware of those faults and spent a lifetime trying to overcome them and to help his sons learn from his mistakes. He was proud of all 3 of us and his legacy lives on through us. You may not have been fortunate enough to know my dad but if you know me, you know what he stood for.

Fortunately or unfortunately my dad had to face his mortality in the last few years in dealing with cancer, congestive heart failure(CHF) and the problems that arose from those things. He knew that he was kind of on borrowed time and that knowledge allowed him to open up in the last few years more than all the years before. I was fortunate that all of our chats ended with each telling the other we loved them and we said it every time we saw each other. I'd hate to have to deal with not having said I loved him on top of the unbearable grief of missing him. In the end he beat cancer, and he managed the CHF but the complications of those were more than his body could handle and man could it handle a lot. I know he was in pain and in some really miniscule way it makes it a little easier for me to know that he doesn't have to be in pain anymore.

I love you dad, I miss you more than you can possibly imagine. I hope I manage to do everything you ever thought I could or hoped I would and that I make you proud doing it.

-Jake

BFHX DAY BIRTH

Happy Birthday OKSS

I woke up this morning in a bathtub full of ice. A note in my hand read "look in the mirror." There, written backwards on my chest but now forward and readable in the mirror, were these words written in red lipstick "Douchebag, you got really wasted and we had to remove your liver to save it. Just kidding, ass." Holy crap honestly I couldn't even remember where my blog was. Maybe it was hanging out with my liver in a tub of ice. I'm not going to lie to you guys, I had a few gin and tonics saturday night at Sarah's birthday party and, well, they done me wrong. They treated me shitty. In short I got jobbed. What I did not do was puke. What I did do is drive a carload of people home at least 50% of which puked. Dammit that was a great party.

This is me in the women's restroom. This is normal for me when I'm donning a sweet sweet 70's porn 'stache.



This is me and horface trying to reproduce the profile shot but at the bar. My wife is in the back there looking pretty hot but making a weird cheese smile face and trying to sabotage my profile shot.


Today I should be hanging out all creepylike in the women's restroom or I should be a pizza delivery guy delivering a pizza "with sausage" to a bachelorette party and some awesome bow chikka bow bow music.

Highlights of the day:

• Sarah being asked by her friends who've never met me "who is that guy with the mustache" and for real telling them "I have no idea."
• Danielle inviting me to the ladies room for a photoshoot and spinoff party.
• And the following conversation
  

Sharda: "where are we now?"
Danielle: "2 minutes from your house"
Sharda: "oh ok good"
John drives for 20 min
Sharda: "where are we now?"
Danielle: "2 minutes from your house"
Sharda: "oh ok good"

BFHX DAY 4

BFHX DAY 4 really didn't leave many options and so I thought it might be a letdown. That is until I remembered I had an offsite today with my entire division. That in and of itself would have been enough to keep OKS laughing but then the most amazing thing ever happened. See the lone highlight of the day below to find out what happened.



The profile shot basically yesterday without the L's on the sides and with a much crazier look from Cheesecakehor.



Today I should be gay or marking people off my "list of people I've wronged" while I try to get Karma back on my side.

Highlights of the day:

• While waiting for the elevator to leave the building to go meet Sarah for lunch, Danielle and I decided to try to avoid the crowd and use the executive elevators. Karma must have been on my side because the CEO, CFO, CIO et al were in the elevator we chose. I asked the CEO if the elevator was going down and then I asked him if it would even take us to the first floor. He said it might but the only way to know was if we got in and pushed the button for the 1st floor, if the light for 1 wouldn't stay lit to get the H out because it was going to take us back up. So we got out because it didn't stay lit and then I said "seems like it should take us down, we know insert_CEO_Name_Here" to which he replies the totally awesome "I AM insert_CEO_Name_Here and it doesn't work for me either"

Goddammit this couldn't have happened on a better day.

Tonight is OKSS's party. Tomorrow is the end. It was fun.

BFHX DAY 3

BFHX DAY 3 is upon us. I went with the porkchop sideburns and doffed the V. The Chops were in perfect alignment with the lower mustache ends. It was a thing of beauty. While the ladies will miss the tickly V on the chin, the manliness more than makes up for it. Today people got out of my way when they saw me coming. This is one badass emeffer they thought to themselves as I approached. Then I ordered my Teriyaki chicken and the lady said "face is a scary but voice kinda like a schoolgirl." I stabbed her with my chopsticks and pointed to the porkchop sides as I whispered to her "don't mess with Texas." Ok I made most of that up.


The profile. I particularly enjoy the second and third chin here.


Today I should have been wearing a shirt that says "if you can read this, my bitch fell off."

Highlights of the day:

• we worked so hard to make everything exactly the same in the pictures and they painted the entire fucking building yellow today. Compare the profile shot to yesterday's, nothing changed about the camera/lighting/location/etc. But they sure painted the whole goddamned floor yellow.
• Sarah's reaction obviously, today I snuck up behind her in the chicken teriyaki line.
• T-Ball didn't recognize me.

Tomorrow will complete the workweek. I have a whole division meeting to attend. I'll be the one sporting the sweet mustache my friend. Maybe with some flair but a mustache nonetheless.
Keep your panties on ladies, this mustachioed Don Juan is taken.

BFHX DAY 2

Yesterday was BFHX day 2 but since I forgot I was not in the office today I took a day off of BFHX since OKS wouldn't get to see it if I changed anything. So luckily I forgot to take a picture yesterday but since it's the same today you get to see DAY 2/3 in all its glory. I call this one the Mutton Chopper V. In the first pic you get the full effect of the straight on frontal, however the real beauty of this guy is in the profile. Even I couldn't look in the mirror today without laughing.


The profile shot.


Today I can either star in a Jane Austen novel made for TV or fight a civil war for you. A good hat for today would have been a derby.

Highlights of today/yesterday:

• Sarah's reaction obviously
• the lady in the parking garage trying to hurry unsuccessfully to get the elevator to close before I could get in there with her.
• Starbucks girl telling me that if I get down to just a mustache I will definitely look like a pedophile and that she would definitely laugh at me if she sees it.
• My wife saying with disdain/disgust/disbelief "subtle, real subtle."

Not sure what tomorrow will bring besides maybe more sore stomach muscles for Sarah.

BFHX DAY 1

Today was day 1 of Birthday Facial Hair Christmas. Okayseriously Sarah's reaction made this whole ridiculous thing worthwhile. I may post her reaction at some point but I'm not really sure I actually have permission. So without further ado, thanks to my photographer, Day 1 the sweet double groove.


I can either build you a customized chopper today or Trick your Truck*.

Highlights of day one:

• obviously Sarah's reaction I could watch this on endless loop all day.
  
• Karim just acting like I have this facial hair every day but asking "can you Pimp my Truck?" and
  
• some guys we didn't know at another table at lunch today doing the "hey don't look right now but that dude sitting at the table behind you to the right has the gayest facial hair ever."
• Cheesecake hor wanting to make a move on some hot guy at Starbucks but unfortunately having to stand there next to me looking like this.

* seriously the cast of Trick my Truck is like a living breathing BFHX plan.

Hiatus

Obviously I haven't blogged in awhile, so I have a lot of really good stories and insightful commentary stored up. Ok not really. But Okay Seriously Sarah's birthday is coming and my gift for her is really a gift for all.

Sarah is turning 40 so obviously this is a tough period for her. What? 30? Oh ok she's turning 30, apparently that is rough too. I just turned 35 so 30 seems young to me but whatever.

Anyway, awhile back I grew a mustache for a guy at work's last day. He had a mustache so a few of us grew mustaches to make him feel loved. Maybe it was to make fun of mustaches. Anyway I looked like a total 70's porn star with mine and it was Sarah's favorite thing ever. So much so that she still has a picture of it on her phone. So for her birthday she asked if I would grow it again. That's all she wanted. But I did one better.

I grew a beard and starting next Monday, I will be shaving my facial hair into a different configuration for 5 days in a row leading up to her birthday where I will once again don that sweet 70's porn star 'stache.

For you guys it means that every day I will take a picture of the facial hair configuration and post it. Then we can all vote on which one I should make my standard.

Giant Pizza Rolls

I invented Hot Pocket Sized Pizza Rolls they're so close.

Day before the triathlon

Tomorrow is my 3rd of 4 triathlons this year. I still haven't really figured out what to do the day before a triathlon. I don't know if I should do some sort of workout to stay loose or not workout to stay fresh. Either way I suck so it's not that big of a deal if I do the wrong thing. It's a matter of finishing in the bottom 1/3rd or the bottom 1/4th tomorrow. When I decided to do a triathlon early this year with Dan, Keith and Russ, I didn't realize that the one we were planning on doing was not a normal distance. It was a "super sprint" which means it's about half the distances of a sprint triathlon. A sprint is 1/4 mile swim, 16 mile bike and 5K run (3.1 mi). They don't really offer the "Super Sprint" at most triathlons. Those of you who know me in real life obviously know I don't look like I'm in any kind of shape to do any one of those normal sprint distances individually let alone one after the other on the same day, and you would be correct.

So putting the 3 together in one day results in pictures of me looking like I'm literally soiling myself. Ok ok Virgil, pictures of me actually soiling myself. Well for my internet friends who weren't on Johnny Virgil's mailing list, I thought it would only be fair of me to post the pictures here. These aren't the best pictures of me but they're certainly among the funniest and that's really what's important when you're posting pictures on a blog. So here you go bitches.


I'm questioning whether this was a good idea.


Here I'm actually kind of smiling because about 15 seconds before the picture I was pretty sure I had drowned.


I'm in a great deal of pain here on the bike but luckily you can't really see my face.


I'm looking solid here.


I just shit myself.