I'm heading to Vegas and so in my absence I leave you with this. A reference guide for Shop Dungs. Definitions for the inane language used here.
assclown - one who in every attempt to be funny always ends up being a complete a-hole
asspirate - one who plunders the ass of another without commission from it's rightful owner
asswipe - one who is equal in value to that with which one would wipe one's ass
premoistened wipe (PMW) - the single greatest invention of our generation
douche - every moron that does something you can't stand and who makes you want to punch them in the neck
weenjammer - a complete and total douche who tries to be cool but ends up just sucking total bag
D.O.O.D.U - the distributed odor displacement unit. One of my greatest inventions.
Shop Dungarees - the most awesome pair of pants you will ever own
jerkwad - the wad resulting from a furious jerking or a person equivalent to same
jerkass - just click on the word
hor - Sarah or Danielle or any of their friends
hot spare - a really smokin' chick that can stand in at a moment's notice when one of our female lunch crew is unavailable
hot spares - an extra pair of Big Yank underpants you keep in your car for the in the hopefully rare yet horrible event that you shart or completely shit in your pants at work
gapestry - a length of toilet paper hung from the top of the stall used to cover up the gap next to the door
hard charger - an overzealous achiever of position usually regarding elevator entry
monkey puncher - somebody who is stupid enough or computer illiterate enough to actually attempt to punch the monkey on one of those stupid pop up ad banners that has the monkey sliding back and forth.
monkey punching douche - somebody who totally hoses your computer every time they touch it.
So there you have it. You're now armed with my vocabulary to go out and conquer the world with. Good luck. Enjoy.
Friday, October 21, 2005
Sunday, October 16, 2005
more bugs
spiders creep me out pretty bad. I've been working on cleaning and painting my garage and putting epoxy on the floor. I will post some before and after pics here soon. However, this post is about all the gross stuff that was living in my garage. While dusting out all the cobwebs, I must've hit a little nest of baby spiders or something because these little red spider looking bastards fell on me and bit me a few times. They were tiny but I could feel where they bit me for a long time. It kinda burned and then itched after awhile. As I continued the cleanup effort, I saw a pretty creepy looking spider come up from the floor between the concrete of the floor and the concrete of the poured wall. I remember reading or hearing one time that if a bug isn't camoflauged it's because it's poisonous. Well this spider was just dingy brown all over except its abdomen was bright white. I smashed it because I thought it was a brown recluse and I didn't feel like having big chunks of my flesh die from his bite. I think after doing a little research though that it was a woodlouse spider. He looked like this.
The next night after that we had this insane midge invasion. The entire front of my house was covered with them. They were talking about them on the news but the worst was my garage. The ceiling in my garage is white but when the midges came there were so many it was basically black. I fog bombed them and woke up to this in the morning.
today was the final day of painting and for the most part the garage was free of bugs and general grossness but as I was finishing painting one wall I looked down and saw this.
That big hairy ugly bastard is a wolf spider. It's called that because it eats small children. Maybe not but jesus christ enough with the bugs. ehkkk. I can't tell you how many times during this crap I've brushed against an inanimate object and totally freaked out swatting at it.
I think if you click on the pictures you can see the full size images. The first spider picture is one I found on the internet because I squished him before I could get a picture. The other 2 pics are ones I took. I got pretty close to that wolf spider to take that picture. Close enough that I can't really sleep right now.
The next night after that we had this insane midge invasion. The entire front of my house was covered with them. They were talking about them on the news but the worst was my garage. The ceiling in my garage is white but when the midges came there were so many it was basically black. I fog bombed them and woke up to this in the morning.
today was the final day of painting and for the most part the garage was free of bugs and general grossness but as I was finishing painting one wall I looked down and saw this.
That big hairy ugly bastard is a wolf spider. It's called that because it eats small children. Maybe not but jesus christ enough with the bugs. ehkkk. I can't tell you how many times during this crap I've brushed against an inanimate object and totally freaked out swatting at it.
I think if you click on the pictures you can see the full size images. The first spider picture is one I found on the internet because I squished him before I could get a picture. The other 2 pics are ones I took. I got pretty close to that wolf spider to take that picture. Close enough that I can't really sleep right now.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
everything stinks
not figuratively but literally. Downtown Cleveland is really starting to smell like Bourbon Street in N.O. Entering the building I work in, if you come in the North side it smells like somebody tried to cure their diarrhea by lighting their anus on fire. If you come in from the West, well it's slightly better. From the West side it just smells like pee. Actually I guess like somebody peed on the guy who lit his anus on fire maybe. I don't know. It's not good whatever it is. Why does everything have to stink so bad? Gosh dammit it's horrible.
Anyway this morning while I was doing the coin toss to determine whether the burning ass or pee entrance was going to be my gateway to paradise today, I started across the street before I realized the don't walk sign guy was flashing red. So I knew I wasn't going to make it to the other side at my current pace before the light turned green. I broke into the classic half-assed 'I don't want to seem like I'm running' run to get the eff out of the way and it occurred to me that this was a sort of personality test. You see there are 2 types of people in the world and you can categorize them by their answer to this question. Decide which one you are and then scroll down to see how closely it matches your personality type (I did it, it's kinda scary how true it is).
When you're in a crosswalk and the light starts flashing or god forbid the opposing traffic light turns green do you a.) make some effort to get out of the roadway more quickly or b.) keep walking at the same pace you were walking at all along because 'hey the cars are stopped and they're not going to run me over'? Choose whether you're person a or person b then scroll.
If you are person a, you are likely a reasonable and logical person who values his or her time enough to understand that other peoples' time is also valuable and as such is willing to inconvenience themselves slightly for the greater good of following some guideline for conduct.
If you are person b, well, I fucking hate you.
Anyway this morning while I was doing the coin toss to determine whether the burning ass or pee entrance was going to be my gateway to paradise today, I started across the street before I realized the don't walk sign guy was flashing red. So I knew I wasn't going to make it to the other side at my current pace before the light turned green. I broke into the classic half-assed 'I don't want to seem like I'm running' run to get the eff out of the way and it occurred to me that this was a sort of personality test. You see there are 2 types of people in the world and you can categorize them by their answer to this question. Decide which one you are and then scroll down to see how closely it matches your personality type (I did it, it's kinda scary how true it is).
When you're in a crosswalk and the light starts flashing or god forbid the opposing traffic light turns green do you a.) make some effort to get out of the roadway more quickly or b.) keep walking at the same pace you were walking at all along because 'hey the cars are stopped and they're not going to run me over'? Choose whether you're person a or person b then scroll.
If you are person a, you are likely a reasonable and logical person who values his or her time enough to understand that other peoples' time is also valuable and as such is willing to inconvenience themselves slightly for the greater good of following some guideline for conduct.
If you are person b, well, I fucking hate you.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
first the wife now the fortune cookie
even my effing fortune cookie has to make a crack about my tiny wang
eff you fortune cookie
eff you fortune cookie
Saturday, October 01, 2005
Shop Dungar-bees
My house is infested with bees. Mostly they're harmless. They're really lethargic and they just come into the house and die for the most part. But some of these bees are total bitches and today they finally crossed the line. To this I say fuck bees*. I hate bees so much. Some people are all "if you leave them alone they will leave you alone." I left them alone, they bored through the concrete in the front of my house and started pissing me off. Therefore I declared a jihad on bees. I won.
Exhibit A - the bees (the lighter colored stuff is not dust or dirt, it's bees covered with Sevin)
Exhibit B - The shop vac a.k.a the bees' collective grave. (the entire bottom of the shop vac is bees about an inch and a half thick.)
* - I should make an editorial comment in case some joker comes along to tell me what I already know. These are in fact not bees. They are wasps, specifically yellow jackets. The one key difference from my perspective is wasps can sting your ass many times. This "if I sting you I die" concept is the main deterrent for bees. Not so for wasps. That's why wasps suck. But saying fuck wasps just isn't as funny.
Exhibit A - the bees (the lighter colored stuff is not dust or dirt, it's bees covered with Sevin)
Exhibit B - The shop vac a.k.a the bees' collective grave. (the entire bottom of the shop vac is bees about an inch and a half thick.)
* - I should make an editorial comment in case some joker comes along to tell me what I already know. These are in fact not bees. They are wasps, specifically yellow jackets. The one key difference from my perspective is wasps can sting your ass many times. This "if I sting you I die" concept is the main deterrent for bees. Not so for wasps. That's why wasps suck. But saying fuck wasps just isn't as funny.
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Eat a cock Reverend Tom
You rat bastard. This is my url. I moved you to weenreverend.blogspot.com you buttpirate.
Monday, September 26, 2005
my hizzos
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Hurricane Rant
Okay I have a few more things. Here they go.
1. Don't pray for your safety. Get the fuck out... I heard some lady on the radio on the way home. She was from Galveston and had decided to stick it out for the old Category 5er. While being interviewed she said "me, my 10 year old son and my 5 year old daughter are going to stay here. No, we're not ready for it but I'm praying and I think god will take care of us." Here's a hint. GOD IS taking care of you. That's why he put weather people on the TV to tell you to get the eff out of there, asswipe. NOW GET THE EFF OUT OF THERE!
2. It ain't global warming asspirate. Michael Moore you're so effing worthless. Why can't your fat, sorry, cheese-clogged aorta stop fueling your big sweaty mouth with the energy to say retarded shit. Hurricanes happen always have always will. You get winded from eating a cheeseburger. I think your weight problem is the root of global warming and hurricanes. I guarantee George Bush is to blame for your being a fat fuck somehow. Bush sucks. We get it. Go do something productive like go to Galveston and jog around in circles in the opposite direction of the hurricane.
That lady from Galveston reminds me of a joke.
There was warning of a huge flood and as the water started coming a man in a truck drove past a ladies house and asked if she'd like a ride to higher ground. She said "no thank you, god will take care of me." Then as the water rose she was forced to the second floor of her house and a man in a boat drove by and asked if she'd like a ride to higher ground. "no thank you, god will take care of me" she replied. As the water rose even higher she was forced to her roof and a helicopter flew over and dropped a rope down to her. She waved to the pilot and said "no thanks, god will take care of me" and promptly drowned. When she got to heaven she asked god why he had allowed her to drown and god said "I sent you a truck, a boat and a helicopter, what more did you want from me, you worthless pile of ass currency."
I'm pretty sure the moral of the story obviously is supposed to be that there's no such thing as god. Or something like that.
There's a studio apartment waiting for me in hell.
1. Don't pray for your safety. Get the fuck out... I heard some lady on the radio on the way home. She was from Galveston and had decided to stick it out for the old Category 5er. While being interviewed she said "me, my 10 year old son and my 5 year old daughter are going to stay here. No, we're not ready for it but I'm praying and I think god will take care of us." Here's a hint. GOD IS taking care of you. That's why he put weather people on the TV to tell you to get the eff out of there, asswipe. NOW GET THE EFF OUT OF THERE!
2. It ain't global warming asspirate. Michael Moore you're so effing worthless. Why can't your fat, sorry, cheese-clogged aorta stop fueling your big sweaty mouth with the energy to say retarded shit. Hurricanes happen always have always will. You get winded from eating a cheeseburger. I think your weight problem is the root of global warming and hurricanes. I guarantee George Bush is to blame for your being a fat fuck somehow. Bush sucks. We get it. Go do something productive like go to Galveston and jog around in circles in the opposite direction of the hurricane.
That lady from Galveston reminds me of a joke.
There was warning of a huge flood and as the water started coming a man in a truck drove past a ladies house and asked if she'd like a ride to higher ground. She said "no thank you, god will take care of me." Then as the water rose she was forced to the second floor of her house and a man in a boat drove by and asked if she'd like a ride to higher ground. "no thank you, god will take care of me" she replied. As the water rose even higher she was forced to her roof and a helicopter flew over and dropped a rope down to her. She waved to the pilot and said "no thanks, god will take care of me" and promptly drowned. When she got to heaven she asked god why he had allowed her to drown and god said "I sent you a truck, a boat and a helicopter, what more did you want from me, you worthless pile of ass currency."
I'm pretty sure the moral of the story obviously is supposed to be that there's no such thing as god. Or something like that.
There's a studio apartment waiting for me in hell.
Sunday, September 18, 2005
I'm a bad drunk
Man lately when I drink I'm a total ass. I mean maybe it was always the case and I'm just realizing it. Anyhoo, to Steph and the remaining sober occupants of the car, I apologize for my final display of complete loss of self control as you were leaving. I blame Sarah. Seriously though as I was approaching the car and still had some composure, the Hornsby line was going to be the funniest delivery ever. Unfortunately since I was drunk and I really love myself a lot when I'm drunk, I heard it before I got it out and completely lost it. That was precious from your perspective I'm sure as I slobbered and laughed uncontrollably at something you never even got to hear. I have pictures though and most of them came out pretty good.
Anyway, thanks for coming and partying with me. It was fun before I started acting like an ass.
Leah, once again, I'm sorry you have to be married to me.
Anyway, thanks for coming and partying with me. It was fun before I started acting like an ass.
Leah, once again, I'm sorry you have to be married to me.
Friday, September 16, 2005
NEWSFLASH!
Bonfire!
Saturday, 7:30 my house.
We have a lot of beer leftover from the reunion. It's all mainstream stuff, no microbrews or crazy stuff. If you want food besides like chips and stuff bring it. I will grill it for you. If you want food like chips and stuff, bring that too probably.
Saturday, 7:30 my house.
We have a lot of beer leftover from the reunion. It's all mainstream stuff, no microbrews or crazy stuff. If you want food besides like chips and stuff bring it. I will grill it for you. If you want food like chips and stuff, bring that too probably.
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
for mel
I got tagged by Mel and since I've been sucking lately at posting anything I decided this counts as something
7 Things I Plan to do Before I Die:
1. Make a will
2. Start a company
3. Parachute out of a plane (maybe immediately before)
4. Hold public office
5. two chicks at once
6. babysit grandkids
7. see the Grand Canyon
7 Things I Can Do:
1. Build a computer
2. Build a garage
3. Make you shoot pop out your nose
4. Shower 4 times in a day
5. Diff Eq's
6. Fix almost anything
7. Throw a spiral
7 Things I Cannot Do:
1. Pee with an audience
2. Play the piano
3. Sing like Josh Groban
4. Russ's girlfriend
5. Two chicks at once
6. Fly a plane
7. Hit my driver.
7 Things That Attract me to the Opposite (or same) Sex:
1. Sense of humor/Sarcasm
2. Intelligence
3. Eyes
4. Dark Hair
5. Sweet Rack
6. Legs
7. Smile
7 Things That I Say Most Often:
1. What's up bitches?
2. Eat a cock
3. WTF
4. shut your piehole
5. brosef
6. mother shitter piece of bitch
7. uh...what the hell bro
7 Celebrity Crushes:
1. Keira Knightly
2. Vince Vaughn
3. Will Ferrell
4. Evangeline Lilly
5. Natalie Portman
6. Terri Hatcher
7. Sandra Bullock
7 People I Want To Do This:
1. Sarah
2. Danielle
3. Scott
4. Carly
5. Johnny
6. Toren
7. Liz
7 Things I Plan to do Before I Die:
1. Make a will
2. Start a company
3. Parachute out of a plane (maybe immediately before)
4. Hold public office
5. two chicks at once
6. babysit grandkids
7. see the Grand Canyon
7 Things I Can Do:
1. Build a computer
2. Build a garage
3. Make you shoot pop out your nose
4. Shower 4 times in a day
5. Diff Eq's
6. Fix almost anything
7. Throw a spiral
7 Things I Cannot Do:
1. Pee with an audience
2. Play the piano
3. Sing like Josh Groban
4. Russ's girlfriend
5. Two chicks at once
6. Fly a plane
7. Hit my driver.
7 Things That Attract me to the Opposite (or same) Sex:
1. Sense of humor/Sarcasm
2. Intelligence
3. Eyes
4. Dark Hair
5. Sweet Rack
6. Legs
7. Smile
7 Things That I Say Most Often:
1. What's up bitches?
2. Eat a cock
3. WTF
4. shut your piehole
5. brosef
6. mother shitter piece of bitch
7. uh...what the hell bro
7 Celebrity Crushes:
1. Keira Knightly
2. Vince Vaughn
3. Will Ferrell
4. Evangeline Lilly
5. Natalie Portman
6. Terri Hatcher
7. Sandra Bullock
7 People I Want To Do This:
1. Sarah
2. Danielle
3. Scott
4. Carly
5. Johnny
6. Toren
7. Liz
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
lighten up a bit
My last post generated a lot of commentary most of it mutually respectful and I appreciate that. A lot of people get emotional about national news whatever the source and I appreciate the fact that the comments were for the most part intellectual insight vs emotional rants.
That being said, it's obviously time to get back to talking about poop and balls and stuff. So I'm shifting gears to get back to the real reason people come here, which is obviously to lose control of your bowels from laughing too hard.
I was talking with my dad the other night about when he was a kid which is awesome because it's like going back in time. He has such a good memory and the details he includes are usually hilarious if you can follow it all. Anyway we got to talking about groceries and grocery stores and he was sharing with me how things were when he was a kid. For example, they didn't have a deli in the grocery store. Pretty much the store was the deli. The only things they went to the grocery store for when he was a kid were meat and some canned goods that weren't things a normal family would make themselves. For example peanut butter. Aside from that stuff most of their food was grown by him and his mom and then canned by them at the end of the growing season. He would pack up potatoes in burlap sacks in quantities that were small enough that he could carry the bags into the crawl space of the house that he and his mom built. They would can tomatoes, corn, beans, peas whatever. Then they would eat it all during the winter and repeat the process the following year. Somehow my dad got to talking about lunchmeat and he was saying that they didn't have much selection back in those days. It was either, bologna or salami or pickle loaf. Mostly gross stuff and that got me to thinking about things that didn't really exist in my childhood memories.
Buffalo wings were the first thing I thought of. Holy crap I love buffalo wings, buffalo tenders, buffalo chicken dip, buffalo everything. I think I would cry if I woke up tomorrow and buffalo sauce didn't exist and never existed. What if that happened? What if you woke up tomorrow and your favorite thing never existed? It was just something you dreamt. I have no idea how to make buffalo sauce from scratch but I'm going to figure it out soon before this ends up being a dream and I'm left crying about something nobody's ever heard of.
That being said, it's obviously time to get back to talking about poop and balls and stuff. So I'm shifting gears to get back to the real reason people come here, which is obviously to lose control of your bowels from laughing too hard.
I was talking with my dad the other night about when he was a kid which is awesome because it's like going back in time. He has such a good memory and the details he includes are usually hilarious if you can follow it all. Anyway we got to talking about groceries and grocery stores and he was sharing with me how things were when he was a kid. For example, they didn't have a deli in the grocery store. Pretty much the store was the deli. The only things they went to the grocery store for when he was a kid were meat and some canned goods that weren't things a normal family would make themselves. For example peanut butter. Aside from that stuff most of their food was grown by him and his mom and then canned by them at the end of the growing season. He would pack up potatoes in burlap sacks in quantities that were small enough that he could carry the bags into the crawl space of the house that he and his mom built. They would can tomatoes, corn, beans, peas whatever. Then they would eat it all during the winter and repeat the process the following year. Somehow my dad got to talking about lunchmeat and he was saying that they didn't have much selection back in those days. It was either, bologna or salami or pickle loaf. Mostly gross stuff and that got me to thinking about things that didn't really exist in my childhood memories.
Buffalo wings were the first thing I thought of. Holy crap I love buffalo wings, buffalo tenders, buffalo chicken dip, buffalo everything. I think I would cry if I woke up tomorrow and buffalo sauce didn't exist and never existed. What if that happened? What if you woke up tomorrow and your favorite thing never existed? It was just something you dreamt. I have no idea how to make buffalo sauce from scratch but I'm going to figure it out soon before this ends up being a dream and I'm left crying about something nobody's ever heard of.
Friday, September 02, 2005
venting
I'm not even sure I will post this. I'm so thoroughly annoyed by so many things right now that I don't know if I can logically express these things in a socially acceptable politically correct manner. However I just need to get it out.
I will preface by saying that I feel really bad for the people affected by hurricane Katrina. I feel most bad for the ones who simply didn't have the means to get out of harms way. I don't however feel bad for any jackass that gets on tv and starts mouthing off about political bullshit during a time of crisis. I don't feel that bad for millionaires who chose to live 18ft below sea level. I don't feel that bad for people with really nice houses who are stuck in them with water up to the second floor because they refused to heed the warnings. There's a pretty good chance I wouldn't heed the warning of severe weather coming but I will never blame someone else when I'm stuck on the roof of my house someday because I refused to listen to the warnings. Although around here the fucking weather reports are so goddamned relentless that they will interrupt the last 5 minutes of the season finale of your favorite show to inform you that there might be a light dusting of snow for the morning commute, so they better fucking be all up ons when a hurricane is going to bury my house in water. The weather people are like people that play the same lottery numbers every day. You're kinda stuck playing them every day forever because you can't bear the thought of not playing them and having them hit. Weather people have established a history of exaggerrating the effects of weather so if there really is a terrible disaster coming they better fucking be telling us about it.
So I'm a little off topic here because what I really want to discuss is the refugees and Kanye West. I'm just baffled and depressed by how racism becomes a factor in everything. I really don't believe racism factors into half of the events that get accused of it. Not enough black head coaches in the NFL.... must be racism at play. Not enough black Quarterbacks.... definitely racism. Ty got booted off of Rockstar INXS and gave a really empassioned and totally racist departure speech because obviously it was racism that led to his departure. And now at the forefront of it all is the disaster in the south. Federal aid and public support seemingly aren't happening as fast as they should...... without a doubt it's obviously racism. George Bush must be a racist because Kanye West derailed a fund raising concert to declare it.
You know who's a racist? KANYE WEST! Fuck you asswipe. A whole host of amzing caring people with great intentions put together an amazingly powerful fund raising concert simulcast on all 3 NBC stations to raise money for a really important cause and all you have to say is basically America and George Bush don't care about black people. How fucking stupid can you be. Nothing extinguishes the spirit of giving like a racist moron getting on tv to make political statements at the expense of people in such dire need of help. The only saving grace is, although you asked me specifically to imagine that it was you out there suffering, I ignored you. I imagine the people suffering are normal people like me not racist fucking millionaires that have no ties to reality whatsoever. I'm not talking about the people who are stranded either. Those people are in an emotionally unstable state and don't have the luxury right now of knowing the magnitude of the disaster. So they say uninformed things that frankly the news media should have the common sense to keep off the television. But as a public figure with access to all the facts, if you're so dumb that you can't understand how detrimental your racist political statements are to the public spirit of giving, then please just stay off the damn television.
GODDAMMIT. Nearly a million people are homeless. It's going to take time to provide aid in a strategic successful effort. People are there. People are helping. The government is helping. The weather people made it clear (at least to me) that New Orleans was in dire straits at least 3 days before the storm hit groundfall. You know what happens if you just set out to deliver enough food for 1000 people to a convention center with 20,000 people in it. You get a riot. Things have to be thought out and executed in a rational plan and it takes time even for the "magical" federal government to mount that strategy to help a a city of a million people who are now in the 18 feet of water.
Please don't misunderstand me. I am as hearbroken and saddened by the tragedy as anyone. I really urge everyone to give whatever they can manage to help the cause.
Here are some easy ways to give money:
Red Cross via Yahoo Stores
Red Cross Direct
Salvation Army
Good people care about the people who are in need in the south. Good people are doing everything they can to help. Good people are offering their homes to strangers. I'm just frankly really tired of racists leading the charge against it.
I will preface by saying that I feel really bad for the people affected by hurricane Katrina. I feel most bad for the ones who simply didn't have the means to get out of harms way. I don't however feel bad for any jackass that gets on tv and starts mouthing off about political bullshit during a time of crisis. I don't feel that bad for millionaires who chose to live 18ft below sea level. I don't feel that bad for people with really nice houses who are stuck in them with water up to the second floor because they refused to heed the warnings. There's a pretty good chance I wouldn't heed the warning of severe weather coming but I will never blame someone else when I'm stuck on the roof of my house someday because I refused to listen to the warnings. Although around here the fucking weather reports are so goddamned relentless that they will interrupt the last 5 minutes of the season finale of your favorite show to inform you that there might be a light dusting of snow for the morning commute, so they better fucking be all up ons when a hurricane is going to bury my house in water. The weather people are like people that play the same lottery numbers every day. You're kinda stuck playing them every day forever because you can't bear the thought of not playing them and having them hit. Weather people have established a history of exaggerrating the effects of weather so if there really is a terrible disaster coming they better fucking be telling us about it.
So I'm a little off topic here because what I really want to discuss is the refugees and Kanye West. I'm just baffled and depressed by how racism becomes a factor in everything. I really don't believe racism factors into half of the events that get accused of it. Not enough black head coaches in the NFL.... must be racism at play. Not enough black Quarterbacks.... definitely racism. Ty got booted off of Rockstar INXS and gave a really empassioned and totally racist departure speech because obviously it was racism that led to his departure. And now at the forefront of it all is the disaster in the south. Federal aid and public support seemingly aren't happening as fast as they should...... without a doubt it's obviously racism. George Bush must be a racist because Kanye West derailed a fund raising concert to declare it.
You know who's a racist? KANYE WEST! Fuck you asswipe. A whole host of amzing caring people with great intentions put together an amazingly powerful fund raising concert simulcast on all 3 NBC stations to raise money for a really important cause and all you have to say is basically America and George Bush don't care about black people. How fucking stupid can you be. Nothing extinguishes the spirit of giving like a racist moron getting on tv to make political statements at the expense of people in such dire need of help. The only saving grace is, although you asked me specifically to imagine that it was you out there suffering, I ignored you. I imagine the people suffering are normal people like me not racist fucking millionaires that have no ties to reality whatsoever. I'm not talking about the people who are stranded either. Those people are in an emotionally unstable state and don't have the luxury right now of knowing the magnitude of the disaster. So they say uninformed things that frankly the news media should have the common sense to keep off the television. But as a public figure with access to all the facts, if you're so dumb that you can't understand how detrimental your racist political statements are to the public spirit of giving, then please just stay off the damn television.
GODDAMMIT. Nearly a million people are homeless. It's going to take time to provide aid in a strategic successful effort. People are there. People are helping. The government is helping. The weather people made it clear (at least to me) that New Orleans was in dire straits at least 3 days before the storm hit groundfall. You know what happens if you just set out to deliver enough food for 1000 people to a convention center with 20,000 people in it. You get a riot. Things have to be thought out and executed in a rational plan and it takes time even for the "magical" federal government to mount that strategy to help a a city of a million people who are now in the 18 feet of water.
Please don't misunderstand me. I am as hearbroken and saddened by the tragedy as anyone. I really urge everyone to give whatever they can manage to help the cause.
Here are some easy ways to give money:
Red Cross via Yahoo Stores
Red Cross Direct
Salvation Army
Good people care about the people who are in need in the south. Good people are doing everything they can to help. Good people are offering their homes to strangers. I'm just frankly really tired of racists leading the charge against it.
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
me and my bub
This is me and my buddy the J-Man.
He's going to draft my fantasy football team for me this year.
He can't possibly do worse than I did last year.
He's going to draft my fantasy football team for me this year.
He can't possibly do worse than I did last year.
Monday, August 29, 2005
set your TiVo's
Holy crap is today going to be a great day for TiVo owners. Hurricane Katrina is making landfall this morning/afternoon and there will undoubtedly be countless TV douches out in the storm reporting on it. This is going to be one for the ages. I predict at least one of these effing douchebags will be physically thrown by the storm during a live feed. If you capture that with your TiVo..... Internet GOLD! Good luck all.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Closer needed
does anyone really think Bob Wickman ever has any legitimate reason to set foot on a major league baseball field? Goddammit Indians, you had a real closer and couldn't bring home the series please for the love of god don't make the playoffs with this fatpile serving up fat ones every time he takes the goddamned field.
Christ! Howry went the 8th untouched. Send him the fuck back out there and get the win.
GODDDAMMIT! I hate Cleveland sports.
Here's a picture from when he was in better shape right before spring training this year.
Christ! Howry went the 8th untouched. Send him the fuck back out there and get the win.
GODDDAMMIT! I hate Cleveland sports.
Here's a picture from when he was in better shape right before spring training this year.
Friday, August 19, 2005
Objectionable content my ass
What the fuck is this?
This new flag is objectionable to me.
Don't read blogs if you're a fucking pansy.
cropduster, long island iced tea and tittyman
I tried to post drunk last night. I don't know what happened but I know this, I was effing trashed. I probably would have said some things on the blog that are better off lost. I bet it would have looked like this.
"i lfove you guys. If cuking sied I lvoew you lnot because I' m fujing drink bute you knwo ewhi"
I've been working at Tittyman (the road it's on sounds like Tittyman and the vendor referred to it as such) all week. No lunch pals no funny lunch stories. Although the vendor I was working with all week is a pretty cool guy. That is until he cropdusted me yesterday and then walked away leaving me there to toil away in the stenchcloud. After awhile I couldn't decide whether it still stunk or I had just gotten used to it. I'm sure at least one person thinks it was me that shit my pants. It wasn't. At least not this time.
So I have a bad habit of drinking moderately all night and then finishing the night off with something assinine. Last night was no exception. I had about eleventy five beers before I decided I should finish strong with a fucking long island iced tea. FLIIT as I like to call it because my common sense goes the flight route of the fight or flight scenario. Fuck you long island iced tea you bitch. My fucking head and stomach are still not right.
So I almost had to recite Scott's tourette's rant out loud today when after 6 weeks of working on a problem the vendor of the product informed us that we were running an unsupported version of the software it runs on. I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU. I almost gave 'em the ol' Tarantino director's cut right there. AHOLES.
I'll get back to this bloggin pretty soon. Peace out mother shitting piece of ass bitches.
"i lfove you guys. If cuking sied I lvoew you lnot because I' m fujing drink bute you knwo ewhi"
I've been working at Tittyman (the road it's on sounds like Tittyman and the vendor referred to it as such) all week. No lunch pals no funny lunch stories. Although the vendor I was working with all week is a pretty cool guy. That is until he cropdusted me yesterday and then walked away leaving me there to toil away in the stenchcloud. After awhile I couldn't decide whether it still stunk or I had just gotten used to it. I'm sure at least one person thinks it was me that shit my pants. It wasn't. At least not this time.
So I have a bad habit of drinking moderately all night and then finishing the night off with something assinine. Last night was no exception. I had about eleventy five beers before I decided I should finish strong with a fucking long island iced tea. FLIIT as I like to call it because my common sense goes the flight route of the fight or flight scenario. Fuck you long island iced tea you bitch. My fucking head and stomach are still not right.
So I almost had to recite Scott's tourette's rant out loud today when after 6 weeks of working on a problem the vendor of the product informed us that we were running an unsupported version of the software it runs on. I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU. I almost gave 'em the ol' Tarantino director's cut right there. AHOLES.
I'll get back to this bloggin pretty soon. Peace out mother shitting piece of ass bitches.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
We are the champions (kinda)
I play softball. I've played for about 18 sorry years. During the prime years of my so called athleticism I played poorly for as many as 4 teams at the same time. But now it's been reduced to one Sunday morning men's team. It gives me a chance to get out of the house without the kids for a few hours and counts at least in some small part as exercise. This was our second year playing in this league. Our team is a mish mosh of guys I've played with forever and some guys I've only met in the last year since playing in this league. I play outfield. I've played every position on the field for one team or another along the way but I was made for outfield on account of I'm afraid of line drives.
This year I played right field and right center field. For the most part I personally fielded and hit worse than normal all year. Which leads me to how we won the championship.
2 weeks ago after winning the front and back of our final doubleheader of the season I went to my friend's house to hang out and eat pizza. As I was preparing to leave I decided we should play some football to burn off the pizza. 6 touchdowns and a lot of running later I tore my right hamstring.
And so I watched from the bench as my team swept the first week of playoffs and rolled the only remaining team in the championship game today. It looked so easy.
We never ever win....ever. In those 18 years I referred to earlier, I've come in 2nd place at least 40 times. No matter how much better we seem than the other team, somehow we always find a way to lose the big game but today the softball gods shined on us and let us have one and I have to think now that somehow I'm the one the softball gods really hate.
I think it's time for me to retire. I can always talk about how I "went out on top" and how we "won our last 8 games" and how I "like to wear women's panties".... whoa yeah maybe not that. Anyway, years from now, nobody will need to know that I was on the IR when it all went down. I've got the league champions shirt to prove I was on the team and I signed the game ball. This is the stuff legends are made of.
On a completely unrelated note, this really hot girl named Shawna commented on my blog because she obviously realized just like the rest of you how awesome I am and by awesome I mean totally sweet. So I feel it's my duty to link to her but more importantly as a friend to let you guys know that there are pictures of her on her blog so you should go check it out.
This year I played right field and right center field. For the most part I personally fielded and hit worse than normal all year. Which leads me to how we won the championship.
2 weeks ago after winning the front and back of our final doubleheader of the season I went to my friend's house to hang out and eat pizza. As I was preparing to leave I decided we should play some football to burn off the pizza. 6 touchdowns and a lot of running later I tore my right hamstring.
And so I watched from the bench as my team swept the first week of playoffs and rolled the only remaining team in the championship game today. It looked so easy.
We never ever win....ever. In those 18 years I referred to earlier, I've come in 2nd place at least 40 times. No matter how much better we seem than the other team, somehow we always find a way to lose the big game but today the softball gods shined on us and let us have one and I have to think now that somehow I'm the one the softball gods really hate.
I think it's time for me to retire. I can always talk about how I "went out on top" and how we "won our last 8 games" and how I "like to wear women's panties".... whoa yeah maybe not that. Anyway, years from now, nobody will need to know that I was on the IR when it all went down. I've got the league champions shirt to prove I was on the team and I signed the game ball. This is the stuff legends are made of.
On a completely unrelated note, this really hot girl named Shawna commented on my blog because she obviously realized just like the rest of you how awesome I am and by awesome I mean totally sweet. So I feel it's my duty to link to her but more importantly as a friend to let you guys know that there are pictures of her on her blog so you should go check it out.
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Listen up bitches
First of all, work is ass.
Second, Blogger is ass. I had words in that last post when I posted it, blogger chose to just post the title. Whatever
poopsite.
Third and this is the real reason for my post. Today I wanted to make a dessert worthy of The Food Network and I'm really lazy but I always have a variety of Little Debbies in the pantry. My wife also loves Ruggles Moose Tracks Ice Cream which I'm not even sure I've ever had before but holy crap it's awesome. Okay, but not as awesome as what I'm about to tell you.
Read all the directions first. Don't try to read while you're making it or it will take too long and suck.
So you get little Debbie Brownies. I have the Cosmic ones ...you're fine ....
Little Debbie is smokin too much weed. So you take 1/2 of the brownie (it already has a line to divide it) then you put it in a bowl and microwave it for 30 seconds. I know your microwave is a really good one and right now you're saying "that's way too much in my great microwave. My microwave is 35,000 Watts, his probably isn't that good so I'm only going to put it in for 15 seconds cuz if I do 30 seconds it will catch on fire." Shut up assrider. Just follow the goddamned recipe. 30 seconds. When you take it out it's going to smell really good and it will try to make you eat it right there. Don'tdo it. a.) it's like totally hot as fuck molten fucking lava right now and b.) I just told you not to eat it so follow the recipe already. Goddamn.
Now get out the
Ruggles Moose Tracks.
Put 2 Big or 3 Small scoops of it on the molten hot Little Debbie. (I bolded that shit or you'd eff it up)
That's not the first time I've referrred to LD as molten hot by the way. I call her LD. You don't have that kind of relationship with her so you're jealous right now but you have to move on because this baby is almost ready to eat. Yeah I said it, this molten hot Little Debbie is almost ready to eat.
Now you need to drizzle a little Hershey's Chocolate Syrup. I said a little. You're probably one of those Chocolate Syrup Hors that always over does it. I know you. You over-chocolating bastard just do it like I said.
Now if you read all the directions first and then made it, it will be the perfect temperature to consume right after the drizzle my nizzle.
You can thank me after you try it. If you don't like it, punch yourself in the eustachian tube for me because you didn't listen to me.
Second, Blogger is ass. I had words in that last post when I posted it, blogger chose to just post the title. Whatever
poopsite.
Third and this is the real reason for my post. Today I wanted to make a dessert worthy of The Food Network and I'm really lazy but I always have a variety of Little Debbies in the pantry. My wife also loves Ruggles Moose Tracks Ice Cream which I'm not even sure I've ever had before but holy crap it's awesome. Okay, but not as awesome as what I'm about to tell you.
Read all the directions first. Don't try to read while you're making it or it will take too long and suck.
So you get little Debbie Brownies. I have the Cosmic ones ...you're fine ....
Little Debbie is smokin too much weed. So you take 1/2 of the brownie (it already has a line to divide it) then you put it in a bowl and microwave it for 30 seconds. I know your microwave is a really good one and right now you're saying "that's way too much in my great microwave. My microwave is 35,000 Watts, his probably isn't that good so I'm only going to put it in for 15 seconds cuz if I do 30 seconds it will catch on fire." Shut up assrider. Just follow the goddamned recipe. 30 seconds. When you take it out it's going to smell really good and it will try to make you eat it right there. Don'tdo it. a.) it's like totally hot as fuck molten fucking lava right now and b.) I just told you not to eat it so follow the recipe already. Goddamn.Now get out the
Ruggles Moose Tracks.Put 2 Big or 3 Small scoops of it on the molten hot Little Debbie. (I bolded that shit or you'd eff it up)
That's not the first time I've referrred to LD as molten hot by the way. I call her LD. You don't have that kind of relationship with her so you're jealous right now but you have to move on because this baby is almost ready to eat. Yeah I said it, this molten hot Little Debbie is almost ready to eat.
Now you need to drizzle a little Hershey's Chocolate Syrup. I said a little. You're probably one of those Chocolate Syrup Hors that always over does it. I know you. You over-chocolating bastard just do it like I said.
Now if you read all the directions first and then made it, it will be the perfect temperature to consume right after the drizzle my nizzle.
You can thank me after you try it. If you don't like it, punch yourself in the eustachian tube for me because you didn't listen to me.
Monday, August 08, 2005
driving in
From now on when I drive in to work, I'm going to find someone in a Trailblazer and follow them.
Thursday, August 04, 2005
TAG (Talented and Gifted)
When I finished tagging Sarah she tagged me:
10 years ago:
I was engaged
I was 175lbs
I was blending fish livers at work in an Oster blender.
I was in the best shape of my life.
5 years ago:
I was finally a senior in college
I was officially working as a computer dork
I was 190 lbs
I tore one of my 4 quad muscles completely in half
I didn't fully realize how simple life without kids truly was
1 year ago:
Work was awesome
I finally got back under 200 lbs
Yesterday:
I watched my kid run in the hose in her underwear while the neighbor girl held it and then stand with her back to the neighbor and her hands on on her butt saying "you wash my booty"
Tomorrow:
I'm going to sit on the back patio swing and listen to my iPod
I enjoy:
Pizza, beer, friends, wine, women and song
5 bands/artists that I know the lyrics to most of their songs:
Sting, Phil Collins, Maroon 5, Matchbox 20, Journey
5 things I'd do with $100,000,000:
start a company hire the lunch/blog crew and make it our jobs to sit around and tell stories at lunch.
pay off the homes of my family and friends
take a month long cruise to Europe with my friends and family and a nanny
finish my basement as a theater
buy a seat in the World Series of Poker
5 locations I'd like to run away to:
Napa Valley
St Thomas
Trunk Bay
Venice
Someplace in Canada
5 bad habits I have:
Eating at night
Staying up too late
Leaving my clothes on the floor next to the bed right where I take them off
coughing/clearing my throat
saying "turd burglar" on conference calls at work
5 things I like doing:
my wife
driving my car at night with the moonroof open
listening to old music
playing poker
fantasy football
5 things I will never wear:
gay sweaters
flip flops
a speedo (unless it's red white and blue at D's halloween party)
leather pants
silk boxers
5 TV shows I like (I went with all time vs just current):
Cheers
Seinfeld
Lost
ER
24
5 movies I like:
Shawshank Redemption
Stripes
Caddyshack
Midnight Run
Say Anything
5 people I'd like to meet:
Bill Gates
Thomas Edison
Wil Ferrell
Thomas Jefferson
Me in 4th grade
5 biggest joys at the moment:
Kristin & Joshy
Hanging with the lunch crew
Sitting outside at night with Leah and a drink
Going out to dinner with friends without kids or even spending 5 minutes without kids whining
My parents refinance
5 favorite toys:
Dell Inspiron 5100 w/wireless high speed internet
ReplayTV
57" Hitachi Ultravision
iPod
VW Jetta GLX
I tag Carly and Lizzie
10 years ago:
I was engaged
I was 175lbs
I was blending fish livers at work in an Oster blender.
I was in the best shape of my life.
5 years ago:
I was finally a senior in college
I was officially working as a computer dork
I was 190 lbs
I tore one of my 4 quad muscles completely in half
I didn't fully realize how simple life without kids truly was
1 year ago:
Work was awesome
I finally got back under 200 lbs
Yesterday:
I watched my kid run in the hose in her underwear while the neighbor girl held it and then stand with her back to the neighbor and her hands on on her butt saying "you wash my booty"
Tomorrow:
I'm going to sit on the back patio swing and listen to my iPod
I enjoy:
Pizza, beer, friends, wine, women and song
5 bands/artists that I know the lyrics to most of their songs:
Sting, Phil Collins, Maroon 5, Matchbox 20, Journey
5 things I'd do with $100,000,000:
start a company hire the lunch/blog crew and make it our jobs to sit around and tell stories at lunch.
pay off the homes of my family and friends
take a month long cruise to Europe with my friends and family and a nanny
finish my basement as a theater
buy a seat in the World Series of Poker
5 locations I'd like to run away to:
Napa Valley
St Thomas
Trunk Bay
Venice
Someplace in Canada
5 bad habits I have:
Eating at night
Staying up too late
Leaving my clothes on the floor next to the bed right where I take them off
coughing/clearing my throat
saying "turd burglar" on conference calls at work
5 things I like doing:
my wife
driving my car at night with the moonroof open
listening to old music
playing poker
fantasy football
5 things I will never wear:
gay sweaters
flip flops
a speedo (unless it's red white and blue at D's halloween party)
leather pants
silk boxers
5 TV shows I like (I went with all time vs just current):
Cheers
Seinfeld
Lost
ER
24
5 movies I like:
Shawshank Redemption
Stripes
Caddyshack
Midnight Run
Say Anything
5 people I'd like to meet:
Bill Gates
Thomas Edison
Wil Ferrell
Thomas Jefferson
Me in 4th grade
5 biggest joys at the moment:
Kristin & Joshy
Hanging with the lunch crew
Sitting outside at night with Leah and a drink
Going out to dinner with friends without kids or even spending 5 minutes without kids whining
My parents refinance
5 favorite toys:
Dell Inspiron 5100 w/wireless high speed internet
ReplayTV
57" Hitachi Ultravision
iPod
VW Jetta GLX
I tag Carly and Lizzie
Friday, July 29, 2005
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Pics from the trip
Van wanted to see pictures.
me with the ladies
Tania, Carly and Lisa
Carly and Shamus
Me and Shamus (this is a completely normal picture)
me and Susan from our wonderful support team.
me with the ladies
Tania, Carly and Lisa
Carly and Shamus
Me and Shamus (this is a completely normal picture)
me and Susan from our wonderful support team.
Sunday, July 24, 2005
Dad
I am a father of 2. I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old. For the most part I'm ok with the responsibility but every once in awhile I look in the mirror and still see a kid and I think "man I'm 'Dad' for those two kids." I'm hardly what I think of when I think of a dad. I think of a big guy that can do anything. A guy that knows all the answers, a guy that's not afraid of gigantic spiders, a guy that doesn't mind going outside to see what that really insane noise just was. That's not me. I'm still the guy that wants to call my dad to ask him to come over and see what that crazy noise was outside. My dad could lift an entire 327 small block out of a 64 Impala. I'm lucky if I can carry in the bulk can of baked beans from Sam's club my wife just bought. My dad had guns. Not just the really big arms kind, the real gunpowder and bullets kind too. Lots of them. Some that aren't even legal anymore. Me, I'm afraid of guns. My dad could build a house when he was 13. I couldn't build a house if I had plans and nothing but time.
I think the reason people look at kids and go "jeesh kids today!" is because every generation is one generation removed from the "dad" we all think of in our heads when we think of one. I hope someday my kids will think of me like I think of my dad but the truth of the matter is I know that they're getting a watered down version.
The other thing is my dad's dad was not really much of a dad. He was a drunk. My dad wasn't able to finish high school because he basically had to raise his brother and sisters. He had the grades to graduate but missed too many days of school due to work. He really did build the house he lived in from the time he was 13 until he moved out.
I try to help my mom and dad out as much as I can these days which isn't really as much as I would like and I know that my dad feels like he owes me something for that but I'll tell you something I'm the one that owes and the debt will never be repaid.
Here's to the dads out there. The hardcore old school last generation ones and the ones like me that are still trying to fill those shoes. Good luck with that.
I think the reason people look at kids and go "jeesh kids today!" is because every generation is one generation removed from the "dad" we all think of in our heads when we think of one. I hope someday my kids will think of me like I think of my dad but the truth of the matter is I know that they're getting a watered down version.
The other thing is my dad's dad was not really much of a dad. He was a drunk. My dad wasn't able to finish high school because he basically had to raise his brother and sisters. He had the grades to graduate but missed too many days of school due to work. He really did build the house he lived in from the time he was 13 until he moved out.
I try to help my mom and dad out as much as I can these days which isn't really as much as I would like and I know that my dad feels like he owes me something for that but I'll tell you something I'm the one that owes and the debt will never be repaid.
Here's to the dads out there. The hardcore old school last generation ones and the ones like me that are still trying to fill those shoes. Good luck with that.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
I always use a spotter when I choke myself for pleasure
I had a great time in A-Town with the crew. It's rare that you meet someone in person for the first time and really feel a connection with them. Monday night I had drinks and dinner with a whole group of those kind of people. Especially the real drinkers that went back with me for more alcohol at my hotel after dinner. I feel like I've known Carly, Shamus, Tania and Julia since I was a kid. Shamus is still the legend. Carly and Tania are both total hotties with infectious laughs and smiles, hilarious levels of sarcasm and a sense of humor as sick as mine. And Julia is my irreplaceable original drinking buddy. I'll miss you guys. I seriously felt almost like home while I was there. Thanks for hanging with me and making me laugh. As for Johnny V, thanks for giving me something to blog about Sunday and thanks for making me truly appreciate the Desmond.
And Carly I know that when you said "I hate you" 50 times you really meant that you loved me.
And Carly I know that when you said "I hate you" 50 times you really meant that you loved me.
Sunday, July 17, 2005
Microsmell
I'm traveling for business. I'm staying at Microtel. It's pretty sweet. There are a lot of amenities here that other places charge extra for. For example my bed came with a big fluid stain on the passenger side. That's normally my side of the bed but I'm sleeping on the other side. Another feature of the room that's no extra charge is the unispeed fanswitch on the AC unit. Oh sure it says "HI/LOW" and there are 2 positions but don't let that fool you. There's only one speed. Totally sad. That's the speed. Scott's mom blows harder than this piece.
It's cool I mean I wouldn't have been able to find this place if it weren't for one John W. Virgil. See I'm in his hometown so I thought it would be reasonable to ask him where's a good place to stay. Apparently it's customary for him to offer up 2 choices. One that's bad and one that's horrible. I can't wait til he's going somewhere I've been and he asks for hotel advice. I'll tell him the Poop Inn is nice but the Doodie Pile Bed and Breakfast is nicer.
A few other standards that are usually extras at other hotels.
Free Internet
Free Pubes
Drawerless storage
Presoiled carpeting
Mildew
The party is at my room tomorrow. Bring your own disinfectant.
It's cool I mean I wouldn't have been able to find this place if it weren't for one John W. Virgil. See I'm in his hometown so I thought it would be reasonable to ask him where's a good place to stay. Apparently it's customary for him to offer up 2 choices. One that's bad and one that's horrible. I can't wait til he's going somewhere I've been and he asks for hotel advice. I'll tell him the Poop Inn is nice but the Doodie Pile Bed and Breakfast is nicer.
A few other standards that are usually extras at other hotels.
Free Internet
Free Pubes
Drawerless storage
Presoiled carpeting
Mildew
The party is at my room tomorrow. Bring your own disinfectant.
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Movin on up to storage B
At work I sit in an area we refer to as the pod. Our building is full of cubicles but our area is like a big open shared cubicle with room for 8 but only 6 of us in there. Some people look at it and wonder how we could work sitting right next to somebody in an open area with no privacy. It works for us. We're an awesome team. We make fun of each other. We talk on the phone really loud about our vasectomies and don't give it a second thought. If we have a question we usually just yell it. We're universally offensive but isolated from the cubicle dwellers.
Today we got word we're getting evicted. You know what. Eat a fucking cock.
Jesus fucking christ enough with the fucking anal rape. Give us this one goddamned thing that makes us happy you fucking assclowns. I hate you rat bastards. I'm going to lay a log under my desk in a place that nobody can find so that the buttpirates that move into my pod have to smell an aging doodie nugget for the rest of their days at my fucking desk.
FUCK
Today we got word we're getting evicted. You know what. Eat a fucking cock.
Jesus fucking christ enough with the fucking anal rape. Give us this one goddamned thing that makes us happy you fucking assclowns. I hate you rat bastards. I'm going to lay a log under my desk in a place that nobody can find so that the buttpirates that move into my pod have to smell an aging doodie nugget for the rest of their days at my fucking desk.
FUCK
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Well there's a little boy waiting at the counter at the corner shop.
Some weird things I've seen
- my brother ride his bike into a silo full speed on purpose
- my big toe with a gear tooth from a sprocket through it
- a foot stuck pointing 180 degrees in the wrong direction
- a leg snapped in two with the toes touching the calf
- a brand new truck roll 4 times land on it's now missing tires and both guys get out unscratched and immediately discard at least a 12 pack of Bud Light before cops arrive
- a rigor mortised irish setter pulled from a well by his chain
- a big dog peeing on a little dog
Sunday, July 10, 2005
Linkin Park
Liz asked for a user's guide to my linked blogs. Here's a good reference manual to who these people are.
Sarah - my gay lover Steven's stage name
Danielle - Sarah's mom and also my personal chef
Scott - my gay uncle
Johnny - some dude that likes to store naked pictures of himself on the network at work
Shamus - the Irish legend
Toren - a girl that could kill you and laugh and then break a heel and cry
SLC-UPS - the urban princess someone with whom you don't want to mess
Melanie - a one night stand I had in Paris and again in London and again in Bogota
Lolo - my first girlfriend and the only woman to ever make me cry in bed
Liz - my 2nd grade wrestling coach and first crush
Jill - Brett Favre
ok for real
Sarah - my female twin, lunch pal and coworker. Probably the funniest person I know
Danielle - my morning coffee pal, deep thoughts sounding board, coworker and occasional lunch pal
Scott - my friend, coworker, lunch pal and boss kinda. The greatest storyteller ever.
Johnny - coworker and twin separated at birth. would be lunch pal if he lived in the same state and the greatest writer/blogwriter on record
Shamus - for real, the Irish legend. previously a coworker. Actual author of probably the only book I've ever read cover to cover in a single sitting. The inspiration of every email I've ever written to a company.
Toren - Blogger friend but I know she'd fit right in with the lunch crew and she also has a big rack.
SLC-UPS - Blogger friend but she's seriously funny and has a big rack I think.
Melanie - Blogger friend. Shares the same mental dementia and poop humor as me though and really that and the fact that she will pretty much write anything puts her pretty high up the list in my book.
Lolo - Blogger friend. Co-Worker of Mel. Also shares my poop humor, musical tastes, age and parenthood. So there's really no way she's writing something I can't directly relate to.
Liz - you. Another only through Blogger. Your "100 things about me" was the first thing I read and the only other one of those things I have ever actually read from beginning to end besides Toren's. We also have a lot in common as I too married my high school sweatheart and we've also been together for 15 years.
Jill - my sister in law, friend, musical taste twin. She's the reason I finally asked my wife out. She's also not taller than me no matter what she says.
Sarah - my gay lover Steven's stage name
Danielle - Sarah's mom and also my personal chef
Scott - my gay uncle
Johnny - some dude that likes to store naked pictures of himself on the network at work
Shamus - the Irish legend
Toren - a girl that could kill you and laugh and then break a heel and cry
SLC-UPS - the urban princess someone with whom you don't want to mess
Melanie - a one night stand I had in Paris and again in London and again in Bogota
Lolo - my first girlfriend and the only woman to ever make me cry in bed
Liz - my 2nd grade wrestling coach and first crush
Jill - Brett Favre
ok for real
Sarah - my female twin, lunch pal and coworker. Probably the funniest person I know
Danielle - my morning coffee pal, deep thoughts sounding board, coworker and occasional lunch pal
Scott - my friend, coworker, lunch pal and boss kinda. The greatest storyteller ever.
Johnny - coworker and twin separated at birth. would be lunch pal if he lived in the same state and the greatest writer/blogwriter on record
Shamus - for real, the Irish legend. previously a coworker. Actual author of probably the only book I've ever read cover to cover in a single sitting. The inspiration of every email I've ever written to a company.
Toren - Blogger friend but I know she'd fit right in with the lunch crew and she also has a big rack.
SLC-UPS - Blogger friend but she's seriously funny and has a big rack I think.
Melanie - Blogger friend. Shares the same mental dementia and poop humor as me though and really that and the fact that she will pretty much write anything puts her pretty high up the list in my book.
Lolo - Blogger friend. Co-Worker of Mel. Also shares my poop humor, musical tastes, age and parenthood. So there's really no way she's writing something I can't directly relate to.
Liz - you. Another only through Blogger. Your "100 things about me" was the first thing I read and the only other one of those things I have ever actually read from beginning to end besides Toren's. We also have a lot in common as I too married my high school sweatheart and we've also been together for 15 years.
Jill - my sister in law, friend, musical taste twin. She's the reason I finally asked my wife out. She's also not taller than me no matter what she says.
Friday, July 08, 2005
i Pod my pants
I ordered an iPod from Apple. It came last night. So did I.
When I got my nizzies whacked the nurse said I should wait 3 months or until I had 12 ejaculations before I get checked to see if it worked. I had 4 going into last night. But thanks to the iPod I'll be taking a sample in this afternoon.
It's the best thing ever. If you're even remotely considering getting one, do it.
When I got my nizzies whacked the nurse said I should wait 3 months or until I had 12 ejaculations before I get checked to see if it worked. I had 4 going into last night. But thanks to the iPod I'll be taking a sample in this afternoon.
It's the best thing ever. If you're even remotely considering getting one, do it.
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Tony Ballchinsky
Tagged by Danielle at I Probably Hate You and Mel at My Therapist Claims There's Hope
(Since Danielle tagged me first then Mel (nice reminds me of this dream I had) I am using her links...sorry Mel I'm lazy)
Rules:
Remove the blog at #1 from the following list
Bump every one up one place;
Add your blog's name in the #5 spot;
link to each of the other blogs for the desired cross pollination effect.
(Since Danielle tagged me first then Mel (nice reminds me of this dream I had) I am using her links...sorry Mel I'm lazy)
Rules:
Remove the blog at #1 from the following list
Bump every one up one place;
Add your blog's name in the #5 spot;
link to each of the other blogs for the desired cross pollination effect.
Next: select new friends to add to the pollen count. (No one is obligated to participate).
1. Lolo
2. Carly
3. LizzieDaisy
Your turn:
1. Sleeping under the air conditioner in my brother's room and listening to Journey, Asia, and Toto
2. Christmas PJ's and waking up Christmas morning to the tree that Santa put up the night before (thanks mom and dad)
3. Atari 2600 morning noon and night
4. Awards Day at school
5. Playing Scrabble with Mom and Aunt Harriet
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
My Sister In Law
Today is my sister in law Jill's birthday. She's a good kid and I like to read her new blog so go there and welcome her to the blogfest. Leave some comments too so that she actually thinks it's fun and writes some more stuff or I will punch you in your stupid face.
Sunday, July 03, 2005
6 Month Review
If you have a job like most people, you have a semi annual review to help you understand just how shitty you're doing and why you're not going to get a raise this year. Well I've been blogging for 6 months and it's no different. In January I made some new years resolutions and posted them for all the internet to see. I will now review my progress on those.
1. This year I'm going to try to get to my desk at work before 8 at least 3 days a week.
1. This year I'm going to try to get to my desk at work before 8 at least 3 days a week.
- I know this sounds like I meant every week during
the year. What I really meant was that for at least one week this year
I was going to try to make it to work before 8 O'Clock on 3 of the
5 days. I'm still working on this. Maybe if I changed it to
3 days this year I'd have a shot. I think I made it in before 8 once already
2. This year I'm going to lose 10 pounds. As of today I weighed 196.5 in my skivvies. (I don't really use that word
- I'm 197 lbs today. So this is going pretty well. Only 10.5 more pounds to go.
3. This year I will be more honest with people when I think they're being an idiot.
- I've tried this a few times. People don't
really take well to constructive criticism.
4. I will also be more quick to give praise where praise is due.
- I have actually been better at this. I'm a nice guy. Ieven told the doctor that I thought he did a good job of stabbing me in the nuts.
5. I'm also getting rid of my cats.
- done
So overall I think this could be one of my best success stories ever as resolutions go. I think I might get a pretty decent year end review if I can just lose a few pounds.
Thursday, June 30, 2005
GIANT MOTH!
This is still on my screen door right now.
HOLY CRAP!
Click on the picture to see it roughly actual size.
(the big picture is almost exactly actual size on my 15" laptop monitor at 1024x768)
Notice how close I got to take this picture.
Notice how close I got to take this picture.
That's right, I'm no sissy.
Although I may have screamed like a preteen girl when another bug buzzed my ear right immediately after I took this picture.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
The NBA Draft
Turns out you actually have to declare yourself eligible for the NBA draft in order to have any shot at getting drafted. I declared myself eligible this year. I think that may have been the only thing holding me back.
Monday, June 27, 2005
If I was a urologist
whenever I was performing a vasectomy I would always refer to the patient as "numbnuts."
Thursday, June 23, 2005
Athletic Supporter
I bought a new cup so I wouldn't get shot in the nuts playing paintball today. I tested it out before I took the field.
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
premature ejaculation
I only made it 5 days even though the nurse said I had to wait 7. Everything appears to be working fine. Well at least as good as it ever did.
Also how come when a baby comes out of a woman prematurely, people start support groups and make donations to charity and whatnot but when a baby comes out of me prematurely my wife just gets this look of disappointment in me?
Also how come when a baby comes out of a woman prematurely, people start support groups and make donations to charity and whatnot but when a baby comes out of me prematurely my wife just gets this look of disappointment in me?
Friday, June 17, 2005
ride the hors shave a cowboy
Thanks to all the well wishers, all is well with the balls. As for the guy who told me to go eff myself, 1. that's not nice and 2. I'm not allowed any ejaculations for 7 days which as Scott says is 6 days longer than my previous best. Stubble does indeed suck my freshly shaven balls. So besides being a little swollen and itchy it's all good. For your enjoyment, I will share some dialogue that actually occurred during the event.
Dr: "This is going to feel a little like getting hit in the testicles"
Me: "hey I like getting hit in the nuts as much as the next guy but I don't really think he likes it much"
Dr: "yeah I'm going to need to work at this a little, remember how we talked about your having a tight scrotum?"
Me: "no"
Dr: "you're going to feel a little prick"
Me: "yeah you are too"
Dr: injects lidocaine into scrotum
Me: "yeahhhh that feels good"
Dr: "I can honestly say that's the first time anyone has ever said that"
Nurse: "you need to have at least 12 ejaculations before you bring in your first sample"
Me: "so I'll see you sometime next January"
Seriously all those conversations actually occurred. I tried to get my wife to take a tasteful picture of my shaved baggage but she put her foot down. I think what she said was "you're not putting a picture of your shaved nuts on the internet. You're such an idiot. Seriously, this is where I draw the line."
Sorry.
Dr: "This is going to feel a little like getting hit in the testicles"
Me: "hey I like getting hit in the nuts as much as the next guy but I don't really think he likes it much"
Dr: "yeah I'm going to need to work at this a little, remember how we talked about your having a tight scrotum?"
Me: "no"
Dr: "you're going to feel a little prick"
Me: "yeah you are too"
Dr: injects lidocaine into scrotum
Me: "yeahhhh that feels good"
Dr: "I can honestly say that's the first time anyone has ever said that"
Nurse: "you need to have at least 12 ejaculations before you bring in your first sample"
Me: "so I'll see you sometime next January"
Seriously all those conversations actually occurred. I tried to get my wife to take a tasteful picture of my shaved baggage but she put her foot down. I think what she said was "you're not putting a picture of your shaved nuts on the internet. You're such an idiot. Seriously, this is where I draw the line."
Sorry.
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Saturday, June 11, 2005
Indiglo, leg cramps and bears Oh My!
2 Timex Indiglo watches saved my life. This is that story and is in fact the longest post ever.
About 6 years ago, my wife and I were vacationing in Tennessee with her sister Jill and her husband Mike. For those who've never met them they are a sort of wondercouple. Both are tall, blonde, smart, funny, and successful. I like to tell my wife, "sure he might be tall, smart and good looking but at least you're not married to a doctor."
So, Mike at the time was in the physical condition of a nationally competetive Division III Decathlete mostly because he was one. I was in a condition not dissimilar to my current one. Lethargic, unmotivated and slightly overweight for my age. My cholesterol's not that great either. But what I lack in self motivation, I more than make up for in competetive spirit. This my friends is why I should, by all accounts, be dead now.
It was the spring of 1999 and we were in our mid to late twenties with no kids and loving life. We decided to rent a cabin in Gatlinburg near the not so Great Smokey Mountains since we had done it a few years before and had a great time. We drove down, settled in, and commenced drinking boxed wine and beer for the greater part of that first night. Although I don't remember a lot about it, I do remember the "cabin" was a double wide trailer with a hot tub on the back deck and I remember that night being the first time my hair ever froze while sitting in a hottub. I also remember one other detail that would later spell disaster. The moon was just a barely visible sliver and it was unbelievably dark under the canopy of trees. We all slept well, the girls especially since both had had a bit too much of the Franzia. I'm not going to lie to you. We were true wine connoisseurs back then.
The next morning Mike had a plan for us as he always does. We were heading out to the hiking trail to see Rainbow Falls on Mt. LeConte. "We probably won't hike the whole trail but we'll go as far as we can." If you know Mike, you know that statement should have sent alarms off in my head but I was feeling pretty good for a night of hard drinkin and I was ready for a challenge. The girls were less enthused but agreed to make the trip.
We drove part of the way up the mountain to the trail head. I don't know how far up we drove but I think there was still almost a vertical mile of mountain above us. We hit the trail at about noon and the girls were both in rough shape right out of the gate. We knew their hearts weren't in it but Mike and I both wanted them to at least try to make it to the falls. Jill was the worst off of the two and at one point I think I remember Mike carrying her on his back. Mike has a tendency to say something is just a little farther when in fact that distance usually can be described in miles. This was the case for the falls and the girls had heard it enough and decided to head back to "the cabin" while Mike and I continued to the Falls. It was then I'm sure that Mike decided we were headed for the peak.
The falls literally were about 100 yards from where the girls ditched. I felt bad that they didn't get to see it but since they cut out at about 2 it gave Mike and I a chance to pick up the pace and see more of the mountain, We trudged on for about an hour and a half and made it to a point that Mike believed to be within a half hour of the peak based on the topo map. We were at Cliff Top I believe which is close to the same elevation as the peak but it was it's own peak and we needed to descend and climp back up a second hill to make the official highest point. A misreading of the map caused us some confusion. We were only looking at the concentric circle that said 6500 ft. The peak however was labeled 6593 ft. That's where we were heading and that 100 foot error was not inconsequential. It was around 3:30 and we had made ,in retrospect, the astoundingly poor decision to continue on to High Top.
One hour and twenty minutes later, my legs were toast and we were that final 100 vertical feet from the peak. My tank was empty. We were out of water and power bars and it took every but of that competetive spirit and Mike's skills of persuasion to push me that last 100 feet up along about 1/4 mile of trail. 
We peaked at 5:15 and it was the most beautiful view I had ever seen but my excitement was immediately quelled by the start realization that it had taken us 5 hours and 15 minutes to get there and it was going to get dark around 7:30. I had some idea of how dark it was going to get too. That's when the panic started to rise.
I convinced Mike that we had better get moving if we had any intention of getting off that mountain today. We knew the girls would be waiting for us in the car back at the trail head. I really had no idea when they were expecting us but it occurred to me that even at our morning pace it was going to be around 10:30 PM. Descending is supposed to be faster but with tired legs on a rocky trail in the dark it's not. Mike made an executive decision to take Bullhead trail back down since the descent was steeper and the trail would therefore be shorter.
It should have been faster but my legs simply had no intention of cooperating. The trail down was a switchback and it was basically straight down.
notice the warning text
The trail was about 4 feet wide and as you decended, to the sides was either a 20-30 foot dropoff or a rockface. As we turned into the head of the switchback Mike announced that I better take a look at the map so we'd both have it in memory since it would probably be the last time we would be able to see it. It was nearly dark and we were heading into the cover of trees. He was correct. About 200 yards in I couldn't even see Mike anymore even though I knew he was only about 20 feet behind me. We made it to an area where I could sense the trail widening. I really couldn't tell at that point how wide since I seriously couldn't see my own hand in front of my face but a little further up there was a clearing where a modicum of light from the night sky was breaking through.
Then I heard it. A loud crack of wood followed by a quick rustling of the brush that was clearly something pretty big making its way quickly up the hill to my left. It stopped about 5 feet in front of me on the trail. Mike was within whisper distance now since I had stopped walking on account of I can't walk and shit myself at the same time. All I could get out was "wha? what the eff is it Mike?" See my brain had already figured out that if it came down to us running, the odds of the decathlete being caught before the fat lethargic guy were non-existant. So I wanted to make sure Mike was still standing behind me. "what the eff is it?" I said again. Mike whispered back "it's probably just a black bear, they're everywhere in the smokey mountains, don't run, just stand still and don't act scared and he will leave us alone."
I guess I decided that shitting in my pants was a better defense. Holy effing christ. I have never been so effing scared in my entire life. My legs are basically non functional and something pretty effing big is snorting 5 feet in front of me in absolute darkness as black as pitch. I sense that it is on all fours roughly waist high in front of me. I'm guessing it's roughly twice my size, not huge for a bear but big enough. That's when Mike says "it's just a baby, but the mom can't be too far away, we need to walk now." I don't walk well with crippling cramps in both calves but I really don't walk well with shit in my pants and I knew if I stood there much longer the latter was inevitable so I started walking. Immediately it rumbled off to my right where there should have been a rock wall but instead appeared to be an opening into a cave. That lit a fire under my ass for the next hour or so.
It's now around 9:30 PM I'd guess and the slope of the mountain has dramatically decreased at this point. I decided to make the dramitic hollywood plea to Mike to "go on without me." Mike was starting to feel the burn of a good workout now too (4.5 hours after I was pretty much completely spent) and I decided that if he continued on that he might have a better chance of getting to the car and getting a light or sending a ranger in to help me out. He refused. I could now for the first time sense a slight worry in Mike's voice as well. "We're safer if we both walk out of here together." I realized he didn't say SAFE. He just said "safer." My legs were now in full on cramps from top to bottom. It wasn't just my calves or quads or hamstrings. It was the entire leg. Cramps like the ones that wake you up and make you cry at night.
We finally made it to a flat open area that was obviously the head of that trail we were on but something weird happened. We were standing in an open flat space obviously where people had walked before but we were bounded in all 4 directions. On either side of us was thick impassable brush, behind us the trail we had just decended and in front of us a river with no bridge at least not one we could see. There was only about 20 feet of river exposed between the brush and we were dumbfounded. There definitely was no bridge. At this point I see Mike bending down feeling the water with his hands and he's now crawling on the ground dipping his hand in every few feet. I figure he's seeing how deep the water is. "What are you doing?" I asked. "I think I remember seeing a ford on the map." I immediately drop down and start feeling in the water too. I felt a split half log just under the surface of the water in front of me. "Do you think this is it?" I ask. "There's only one way to find out." and with that Mike set off across the river on this log "ford." I followed behind basically on all fours trying to feel where my next step should be since I can't effing see a goddamned thing. We made it across without event.
Immediately on the other side of the river, we are standing in a clearing where there are 2 choices of direction to walk. At this point neither of us has any inkling of which direction is which. All we know is that we can either go straight to our left or straight to our right. We both realize that one direction is the head of a third trail, Alum Cave trail and the other leads us to the car. There's only one problem, we have absolutely no idea which is which. As we're standing there I can begin to make out a sign directly in front of us. It's obviously the sign telling us the answer but we literally cannot make out even one letter on the sign no matter how close we get. (Go into a closet and shut the door and try to read something. That's how dark it was.) We were both feeling pretty defeated at this point. Just picking a direction and having it be the wrong one would have been a complete disaster. Mike is obviously pretty frustrated at this point and basically yells "WE JUST NEED A LITTLE BIT OF LIGHT!" Then I remembered that I was wearing my trusty Timex Ironman with Indiglo so I turn it on and show Mike. "You think this is enough light?" Mike immediately hits the same button on his Timex Ironman Indiglo. "that and this should be enough" We both put our watches directly against the sign and hit the lights. We can make out one letter at at time. After a few minutes we decipher that the head of Rainbow Falls Trail is to our right. We walked about 500 feet and came out onto the road we had driven up 11 hours earlier. It seemed like a lifetime ago, I didn't have much hope of the girls being there at this point but as we turned the corner into the parking lot they were sitting there with the car running and the headlights pointing directly up the Rainbow Falls trail hoping we'd see it and be able to make our way out in the dark. I was never happier to see my wife. I think I was almost in tears. I say almost because I'm no pansy. Ok I was in tears.
We drove back to our luxurious double wide and hit the beer and hot tub pretty hard again that night. I cried myself to sleep listening to Bette Midler. I'm not proud of this.
Monday, June 06, 2005
The Browncoat is coming
My Volkswagen got a fresh misty coating of feces on the drive in to work this morning on account of I was following (a little too closely I guess) a Cuyahoga County Wastewater Treatment truck and it was leaking excrement like a geriatric colon cancer patient.
Friday, June 03, 2005
awesome blog
this guy seems to have only one think on his brain and it's monkey love
http://beast-sex.blogspot.com/
http://beast-sex.blogspot.com/
Spelling bee champ not a total loser for once.
Just kidding. That kid is a huge dork just like every previous winner of the national spelling bee.
some more stuff
I don't know what to write about so here's this.
- One time when I was playing hide and seek I turned the corner around the barn by my house in a dead sprint for the goal and hit a patch of fresh cat shit. My feet went out from under me forwards such that every inch of my 5' 5" frame slid through the doodie like it was a slip and slide. If you know me, you know that I have real issues with smells. Fresh cat shit has one. It's horrible. I puked.
- I have to shave my balls next week.
- Paying more for a bra doesn't necessarily improve the appearance of the contents.
- I love and respect my wife enough to wait until after they stop the flow of my procreative seed before I start effin random bitches.
- I might have a gambling problem.
Monday, May 30, 2005
Texas Hold Me
I played a real game on Party Poker tonight. I had some of the most ridiculous luck ever. Which was not well received by one of my fellow players. I highlighted in red where it started to get crazy. Notice where I also highlight holak finished fifth and then how he proceeds to keep talking. Most people leave the table when they lose but this guy wanted me to die. Here's the transcript. I think it's pretty effing funny but maybe I'm just tired.
#2131777358: rediscreet wins 740 chips from the main pot with a straight, seven to jack.
scarecrow41: nh
Dealer: The Progressive High Hand Jackpot has been hit on table High Hand Jackpot #1028376. tar0516 won $1339.44. The total jackpot paid on the table is $1913.46.
duderguy: dont want none
Dealer: Your time bank will become active in less than 20 seconds. If you do not want it to be used, please act now.
duderguy: give it up
duderguy: it's mine
#2131785064: jmanpain wins 828 chips from the main pot with two pairs, jacks and tens.
#2131785064: duderguy wins 827 chips from the main pot with two pairs, jacks and tens.
#2131797189: jmanpain wins 420 chips
#2131803100: scarecrow41 wins 990 chips from the main pot with three of a kind, tens.
Dealer: oxieif has been reconnected and has 20 seconds to act.
#2131808458: Yankee_Dawg wins 100 chips from side pot #1 with a flush, king high with jack kicker.
#2131808458: Yankee_Dawg wins 1415 chips from the main pot with a flush, king high with jack kicker.
Dealer: Donmega222 finished in tenth place.
#2131816132: ryan_ace wins 350 chips
#2131822576: duderguy wins 494 chips from the main pot with two pairs, sevens and fours.
#2131832950: oxieif wins 180 chips
#2131837924: luckycoins wins 630 chips from the main pot with two pairs, aces and nines.
#2131842640: jmanpain wins 90 chips from the main pot with a pair of kings.
#2131842640: luckycoins wins 90 chips from the main pot with a pair of kings.
#2131847863: duderguy wins 319 chips
duderguy: all in
#2131854042: jmanpain wins 390 chips from the main pot with a straight, ten to ace.
#2131861567: scarecrow41 wins 420 chips
#2131865635: oxieif wins 185 chips
#2131870071: scarecrow41 wins 255 chips
#2131878197: Yankee_Dawg wins 420 chips
#2131882193: duderguy wins 1764 chips
#2131890427: oxieif wins 665 chips
#2131894849: duderguy wins 560 chips from the main pot with two pairs, kings and eights.
#2131901806: ryan_ace wins 275 chips
#2131904745: rediscreet wins 675 chips
#2131918801: ryan_ace wins 655 chips
#2131921939: holak wins 525 chips from the main pot with a pair of tens.
#2131927448: rediscreet wins 475 chips from the main pot with a pair of aces.
Dealer: luckycoins finished in ninth place.
#2131930571: scarecrow41 wins 450 chips
#2131934560: duderguy wins 400 chips
#2131940246: scarecrow41 wins 275 chips
#2131948835: Yankee_Dawg wins 200 chips
Dealer: Your time bank will become active in less than 20 seconds. If you do not want it to be used, please act now.
#2131951989: jmanpain wins 1225 chips from the main pot with a pair of kings.
#2131959242: ryan_ace wins 275 chips
#2131962613: Yankee_Dawg wins 740 chips from the main pot with a pair of fives.
#2131965742: holak wins 1020 chips
#2131969629: jmanpain wins 250 chips from the main pot with a flush, ace high with ace kicker.
#2131974155: ryan_ace wins 520 chips from the main pot with a pair of eights.
#2131976748: holak wins 1170 chips
#2131978703: scarecrow41 wins 525 chips
#2131980841: rediscreet wins 300 chips
#2131984649: oxieif wins 730 chips from the main pot with a pair of queens with ten kicker.
#2131987048: Yankee_Dawg wins 700 chips from the main pot with a pair of nines.
#2131990492: jmanpain wins 830 chips from side pot #2 with a flush, jack high with jack kicker.
#2131990492: jmanpain wins 840 chips from side pot #1 with a flush, jack high with jack kicker.
#2131990492: jmanpain wins 1780 chips from the main pot with a flush, jack high with jack kicker.
Dealer: ryan_ace finished in eighth place.
Dealer: Yankee_Dawg finished in seventh place.
Dealer: scarecrow41 finished in sixth place.
holak: bunch of stupid asssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
yank this yankee doodle dandy
scarecrow41: gg
#2131996563: jmanpain wins 1300 chips from the main pot with two pairs, jacks and sixes.
#2132003243: jmanpain wins 1540 chips from the main pot with three of a kind, jacks.
Dealer: holak finished in fifth place.
#2132006070: duderguy wins 2 chips from side pot #1 with two pairs, aces and nines.
#2132006070: rediscreet wins 996 chips from the main pot with two pairs, aces and nines with eight kicker.
#2132010201: oxieif wins 730 chips
#2132013269: jmanpain wins 1460 chips from the main pot with a flush, ace high.
Dealer: oxieif finished in fourth place.
oxieif: sooo lucky
holak: like i said callin with that bunch of lucky dumb asssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
keep on doin that sht and youll get your asssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssseeesssssssssssssssssssssss whiped by your mmmmoooooommmmmmmmyyyyyyyyyyy cheap assssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss 5 dollar loooooooooooosssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
eeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrs no comment and sht the fk up
oxieif: so lucky
#2132015450: jmanpain wins 2132 chips from the main pot with a straight, ten to ace.
Dealer: duderguy finished in third place and won $10.
oxieif: soooo lucky
holak: nice one dk hd
#2132019803: rediscreet wins 1592 chips from the main pot with a flush, king high with king kicker.
#2132022855: jmanpain wins 300 chips
#2132023991: jmanpain wins 1200 chips from the main pot with a pair of sevens.
#2132027954: jmanpain wins 108 chips from side pot #1 with two pairs, fours and threes.
#2132027954: jmanpain wins 1784 chips from the main pot with two pairs, fours and threes.
Dealer: rediscreet finished in second place and won $15.
Dealer: Congratulations,jmanpain! You won $25.
holak: n card playin pain man go back to schoolllllll and learn and not in 5 dollar table go get yer assssssssssss whiped for bigger money dk hd
jmanpain: take is easy chief
Dealer: This tournament has finished, congratulations to the winners.
jmanpain: I from Yugoslavia
#2131777358: rediscreet wins 740 chips from the main pot with a straight, seven to jack.
scarecrow41: nh
Dealer: The Progressive High Hand Jackpot has been hit on table High Hand Jackpot #1028376. tar0516 won $1339.44. The total jackpot paid on the table is $1913.46.
duderguy: dont want none
Dealer: Your time bank will become active in less than 20 seconds. If you do not want it to be used, please act now.
duderguy: give it up
duderguy: it's mine
#2131785064: jmanpain wins 828 chips from the main pot with two pairs, jacks and tens.
#2131785064: duderguy wins 827 chips from the main pot with two pairs, jacks and tens.
#2131797189: jmanpain wins 420 chips
#2131803100: scarecrow41 wins 990 chips from the main pot with three of a kind, tens.
Dealer: oxieif has been reconnected and has 20 seconds to act.
#2131808458: Yankee_Dawg wins 100 chips from side pot #1 with a flush, king high with jack kicker.
#2131808458: Yankee_Dawg wins 1415 chips from the main pot with a flush, king high with jack kicker.
Dealer: Donmega222 finished in tenth place.
#2131816132: ryan_ace wins 350 chips
#2131822576: duderguy wins 494 chips from the main pot with two pairs, sevens and fours.
#2131832950: oxieif wins 180 chips
#2131837924: luckycoins wins 630 chips from the main pot with two pairs, aces and nines.
#2131842640: jmanpain wins 90 chips from the main pot with a pair of kings.
#2131842640: luckycoins wins 90 chips from the main pot with a pair of kings.
#2131847863: duderguy wins 319 chips
duderguy: all in
#2131854042: jmanpain wins 390 chips from the main pot with a straight, ten to ace.
#2131861567: scarecrow41 wins 420 chips
#2131865635: oxieif wins 185 chips
#2131870071: scarecrow41 wins 255 chips
#2131878197: Yankee_Dawg wins 420 chips
#2131882193: duderguy wins 1764 chips
#2131890427: oxieif wins 665 chips
#2131894849: duderguy wins 560 chips from the main pot with two pairs, kings and eights.
#2131901806: ryan_ace wins 275 chips
#2131904745: rediscreet wins 675 chips
#2131918801: ryan_ace wins 655 chips
#2131921939: holak wins 525 chips from the main pot with a pair of tens.
#2131927448: rediscreet wins 475 chips from the main pot with a pair of aces.
Dealer: luckycoins finished in ninth place.
#2131930571: scarecrow41 wins 450 chips
#2131934560: duderguy wins 400 chips
#2131940246: scarecrow41 wins 275 chips
#2131948835: Yankee_Dawg wins 200 chips
Dealer: Your time bank will become active in less than 20 seconds. If you do not want it to be used, please act now.
#2131951989: jmanpain wins 1225 chips from the main pot with a pair of kings.
#2131959242: ryan_ace wins 275 chips
#2131962613: Yankee_Dawg wins 740 chips from the main pot with a pair of fives.
#2131965742: holak wins 1020 chips
#2131969629: jmanpain wins 250 chips from the main pot with a flush, ace high with ace kicker.
#2131974155: ryan_ace wins 520 chips from the main pot with a pair of eights.
#2131976748: holak wins 1170 chips
#2131978703: scarecrow41 wins 525 chips
#2131980841: rediscreet wins 300 chips
#2131984649: oxieif wins 730 chips from the main pot with a pair of queens with ten kicker.
#2131987048: Yankee_Dawg wins 700 chips from the main pot with a pair of nines.
#2131990492: jmanpain wins 830 chips from side pot #2 with a flush, jack high with jack kicker.
#2131990492: jmanpain wins 840 chips from side pot #1 with a flush, jack high with jack kicker.
#2131990492: jmanpain wins 1780 chips from the main pot with a flush, jack high with jack kicker.
Dealer: ryan_ace finished in eighth place.
Dealer: Yankee_Dawg finished in seventh place.
Dealer: scarecrow41 finished in sixth place.
holak: bunch of stupid asssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
yank this yankee doodle dandy
scarecrow41: gg
#2131996563: jmanpain wins 1300 chips from the main pot with two pairs, jacks and sixes.
#2132003243: jmanpain wins 1540 chips from the main pot with three of a kind, jacks.
Dealer: holak finished in fifth place.
#2132006070: duderguy wins 2 chips from side pot #1 with two pairs, aces and nines.
#2132006070: rediscreet wins 996 chips from the main pot with two pairs, aces and nines with eight kicker.
#2132010201: oxieif wins 730 chips
#2132013269: jmanpain wins 1460 chips from the main pot with a flush, ace high.
Dealer: oxieif finished in fourth place.
oxieif: sooo lucky
holak: like i said callin with that bunch of lucky dumb asssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
keep on doin that sht and youll get your asssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssseeesssssssssssssssssssssss whiped by your mmmmoooooommmmmmmmyyyyyyyyyyy cheap assssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss 5 dollar loooooooooooosssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
eeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrs no comment and sht the fk up
oxieif: so lucky
#2132015450: jmanpain wins 2132 chips from the main pot with a straight, ten to ace.
Dealer: duderguy finished in third place and won $10.
oxieif: soooo lucky
holak: nice one dk hd
#2132019803: rediscreet wins 1592 chips from the main pot with a flush, king high with king kicker.
#2132022855: jmanpain wins 300 chips
#2132023991: jmanpain wins 1200 chips from the main pot with a pair of sevens.
#2132027954: jmanpain wins 108 chips from side pot #1 with two pairs, fours and threes.
#2132027954: jmanpain wins 1784 chips from the main pot with two pairs, fours and threes.
Dealer: rediscreet finished in second place and won $15.
Dealer: Congratulations,jmanpain! You won $25.
holak: n card playin pain man go back to schoolllllll and learn and not in 5 dollar table go get yer assssssssssss whiped for bigger money dk hd
jmanpain: take is easy chief
Dealer: This tournament has finished, congratulations to the winners.
jmanpain: I from Yugoslavia
Friday, May 27, 2005
increase your length and girth
Man I get so much effing spam and it's all about the size of my penis or its performance. These companies can't be doing well. Weiner growth pills and cheap viagara? I mean if there's a target market for their over the counter penile growth hormones I have to be at the bullseye and I've never once considered that maybe an unsolicited email holds the key to my future as a porn star.
On a side note I was at the urologist yesterday and while I stood there wondering if I was even in the right place the receptionist was on the phone with Mr. Vasquez and he was very interested in some Viagara samples. Apparently he had gotten them there before. So if you need some maybe just hit the urologist circuit for freebies and forget about email.
Anyway, ease up with the giant cock emails spammers. I'm not buying any pills from you. Eat a cock. A tiny one maybe but a cock nonetheless.
On a side note I was at the urologist yesterday and while I stood there wondering if I was even in the right place the receptionist was on the phone with Mr. Vasquez and he was very interested in some Viagara samples. Apparently he had gotten them there before. So if you need some maybe just hit the urologist circuit for freebies and forget about email.
If you and your partner want to liven up the bedroom life, we can help.
Many people use thesweet little pill to do just that, it's actually quite
amazing. For about 1/10th's of standardmarket-price, we can help your
relationship! Head on over to http://myenmzn28y965j6j5d9on.pictilpict4.com/ and take a
look.Have fun, because thats life is all about!
Anyway, ease up with the giant cock emails spammers. I'm not buying any pills from you. Eat a cock. A tiny one maybe but a cock nonetheless.
Monday, May 23, 2005
My Band
I think if I ever start my own band I'm going to call it "Your Mom." And my first single will be "The Skin Flute."
Sunday, May 22, 2005
How did I get here?
I've had a poopload of pretty diverse jobs in my "young" life. I thought the ol' blog would be a fun place for me to try to remember every job I've had since I started working. This is a list of all the jobs I've done. You can see how my job history was obviously geared towards a career in information technology.
The list is chronological and shows
My age - Job description - duration
The list is chronological and shows
My age - Job description - duration
- 12 - farming/bailing hay-straw/shoveling shit - 3 years
- 15 - greenhouse helper for a flower shop - 1 day
- 16 - building and grounds maintenance for a trucking distribution center - summer
- 16 - grocery bagger/carryout/stockboy for IGA - 2 years
- 18 - transfer press operator for GM Lumina Minivan - 30 days nonstop
- 19 - parking office clerk at college - 3 years during school
- 19 - silk screen printing shop die press operator - summer
- 20 - Stockboy for Dave's - 1 year
- 21 - sheet metal sheer operator for welding fabrication shop - 1 year
- 22 - environmental testing lab technician - 2 years
- 24 - machine repairman - 1.5 years
- 26 - CAD Draftsman - 1.5 years
- 27 - Network Administrator - 3 years (also Dad)
- 30 - Systems Analyst - 3 years (also Dad again)
I know I know..... who gives a crap. Well, if you need t-shirts for your softball team, purified gas, a near perfect vacuum, a soil separator shaker, water or soil tested for PCB's and VOC's, a good brush hog guy, or a pig stall cleaned. I'm you're man. Also if you have computer problems or a problem with your golf cart I can help you with that too.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Letter for bathroom guy (stolen from Sarah)
Hey bathroom guy that was just in there when I went pee. Take it easy with all the noises and heavy breathing. I get that you're in the stall. A simple cough accomplishes the notification. Trust me I know you're in there and I'm not coming in there but now you're grossing me out what with all the breathing and grunting and stuff. Unless you're wanking in there be quiet. And b.) don't be wanking in there.
goddammit
goddammit
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Doctor Ignacio J. Ocasio
aka "Doc Oc" passed away suddenly and unexpectedly this weekend.
He was an amazing guy and a great pianist. A truly beautiful person in every sense. He was without question the greatest teacher/professor I've ever had the privilege of knowing. He was the first professor I met at Case. He taught freshman chemistry in a lecture hall of 250 students and knew my name the very first day of class and never forgot it. He promised to learn every single name before the semester was over. I don't think it ever took him longer than two weeks. Although he absolutely knew my name he called me Prentikov, his own version of my last name. I don't know why but whenever he said it I laughed as did the other 249 people in the room. I sat between my roommates Mike and Mike and he referred to us as a Prentikov sandwich on Mike bread.
I'm sure that everyone felt special to this guy but he had a way of making you feel like the one student he really truly cared about. He was a big strong guy and I'm sure he had one of those bone crushing grips in reserve if he ever needed it but his handshake was a warm inviting one that made you glad you stopped in to talk to him if you ever did. His smile and laugh were infectious and he could somehow make a cold classroom full of strangers feel like family in his first lecture of the semester.
I stopped to visit my old boss on campus a few years back and he was the only other person I made a special effort to locate while I was there. I walked up to where his office was 7 years earlier when I attended Case and he was right there grading exams. I wasn't sure if he'd remember me but I walked in anyway. He barely looked up from the papers and with his classic smooth Puerto Rican drawl belted out "Prentikov, take a look at dis. What'n the world do you think dis guy was thinking right here?" It was like he just expected me to be there. It was surreal. I looked at the test, laughed a little and said something dumb like "well that's obviously 2-4 Cis Chiki -3 Trans Butyl Hexane so I have no idea what he was thinking." He laughed his classic Doc Oc rumble and then said "how'n the hell are you, Prentikov?!" "How are the Mikes?"
He was only 53. Way too young to be gone.
I miss you Doc. I wish I'd had a chance to say goodbye. A lot of people truly loved you and I am honored to have been one of them.
Prentikov
aka "Doc Oc" passed away suddenly and unexpectedly this weekend.
He was an amazing guy and a great pianist. A truly beautiful person in every sense. He was without question the greatest teacher/professor I've ever had the privilege of knowing. He was the first professor I met at Case. He taught freshman chemistry in a lecture hall of 250 students and knew my name the very first day of class and never forgot it. He promised to learn every single name before the semester was over. I don't think it ever took him longer than two weeks. Although he absolutely knew my name he called me Prentikov, his own version of my last name. I don't know why but whenever he said it I laughed as did the other 249 people in the room. I sat between my roommates Mike and Mike and he referred to us as a Prentikov sandwich on Mike bread.
I'm sure that everyone felt special to this guy but he had a way of making you feel like the one student he really truly cared about. He was a big strong guy and I'm sure he had one of those bone crushing grips in reserve if he ever needed it but his handshake was a warm inviting one that made you glad you stopped in to talk to him if you ever did. His smile and laugh were infectious and he could somehow make a cold classroom full of strangers feel like family in his first lecture of the semester.
I stopped to visit my old boss on campus a few years back and he was the only other person I made a special effort to locate while I was there. I walked up to where his office was 7 years earlier when I attended Case and he was right there grading exams. I wasn't sure if he'd remember me but I walked in anyway. He barely looked up from the papers and with his classic smooth Puerto Rican drawl belted out "Prentikov, take a look at dis. What'n the world do you think dis guy was thinking right here?" It was like he just expected me to be there. It was surreal. I looked at the test, laughed a little and said something dumb like "well that's obviously 2-4 Cis Chiki -3 Trans Butyl Hexane so I have no idea what he was thinking." He laughed his classic Doc Oc rumble and then said "how'n the hell are you, Prentikov?!" "How are the Mikes?"
He was only 53. Way too young to be gone.
I miss you Doc. I wish I'd had a chance to say goodbye. A lot of people truly loved you and I am honored to have been one of them.
Prentikov
Sunday, May 15, 2005
Dream Interpretation
I don't remember my dreams much but I'm guessing whatever I do in my dreams is pretty impressive because every morning I wake to a rousing standing ovation in my shorts.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Sunday, May 08, 2005
Happy Mother's Day
This is sort of an apology/thank you to moms of the world for being the comeback line of the milennium. "Your mom" is the greatest response to any question you don't feel like answering even if it's your brother or your mom asking the question.
For example:
my brother: "what are you doing in my room?"
me: "your mom"
my mom: "what is taking you so long?"
me: "your mom"
Sarah: "are you going to lunch today?"
me: "yes"
Sarah: "awesome"
me: "yes it is awesome"
Sarah: "what are you eating?"
me: "your mom"
Danielle: "let's do this"
me: "your mom?"
Scott: (in meeting with me) "this is never going to end"
me: "that's what your mom said last night"
Erik: "is there anything to do in Cleveland on the weekends?"
me: "your mom"
In closing, I would just like to thank "your mom" for being the greatest comeback in the history of dialogue. I had the misfortune of using "your mom" in my first ever instant message conversation with Johnny V. several years back. It went something like this.
me: hey man I have a question about ....(some work thing)
jv: ok what is it?
(several minutes pass while I try to figure out what the hell to even ask so I don't sound retarded)
jv: what the h are you doing?
me: your mom
(several more long minutes of silence pass forcing me to walk over to ask Scott if I maybe I said something I shouldn't have)
(discussion with Scott confirms that I have once again stuffed my foot in my giant mouth and if you read JV's mother's day post you'll understand just how assinine I felt)
(I return to my desk to find this)
jv: haha good one
Thanks for not hating me JV.
For example:
my brother: "what are you doing in my room?"
me: "your mom"
my mom: "what is taking you so long?"
me: "your mom"
Sarah: "are you going to lunch today?"
me: "yes"
Sarah: "awesome"
me: "yes it is awesome"
Sarah: "what are you eating?"
me: "your mom"
Danielle: "let's do this"
me: "your mom?"
Scott: (in meeting with me) "this is never going to end"
me: "that's what your mom said last night"
Erik: "is there anything to do in Cleveland on the weekends?"
me: "your mom"
In closing, I would just like to thank "your mom" for being the greatest comeback in the history of dialogue. I had the misfortune of using "your mom" in my first ever instant message conversation with Johnny V. several years back. It went something like this.
me: hey man I have a question about ....(some work thing)
jv: ok what is it?
(several minutes pass while I try to figure out what the hell to even ask so I don't sound retarded)
jv: what the h are you doing?
me: your mom
(several more long minutes of silence pass forcing me to walk over to ask Scott if I maybe I said something I shouldn't have)
(discussion with Scott confirms that I have once again stuffed my foot in my giant mouth and if you read JV's mother's day post you'll understand just how assinine I felt)
(I return to my desk to find this)
jv: haha good one
Thanks for not hating me JV.
Friday, May 06, 2005
For LoLo
This is for when you want to be subtle in the office
when there's like one restroom for the whole place.
It's 2 sided in case your office is multilingual.
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Poop quantity/Number of Wipes to Achieve Cleanliness = Poop Satisfaction Factor (PSF)
The superfun linkhunt
I realized last week or maybe sometime before that and discussed with Sarah and John Virgil my latest mathematical revelation. It was obvious really. It boils down to mankind's desire to reduce the bloaty fat feeling associated with needed to take a big ol' poop and also his desire to prevent monkey ass. In other words the feeling of walking around with a poorly wiped dookie butt is undesired.
The revelation is simple and it is this. I believe a person can achieve maximum satisfaction in voiding the bowels when my PSF equation is maximized.
I know that some buttsmeller* out there is going to claim the possibility of division by zero therefore violating some mathematical laws etc. However I claim that in order to really know that your shit was such a clean drop that it literally required 0 wipes, you would in effect be required to make the lone diagnostic wipe that comes out clean and thus, as it requires at least one wipe to determine sufficient wiping, there is no division by zero and my contemporaries in mathematics can rest easy.
So what's the value? Well none really unless I give you some methodology for maximizing your PSF. And that my friends as you well know is precisely my area of expertise.
Some people believe that regularity is something to strive for. That's fine, but more important than clockwork regularity (i.e. I shit every morning at 5AM on the button**) is the calendarwork regularity (i.e. I shit once every 3 days)
Maximum volume I believe is achieved through 2 means. Fiber intake and sheer quantity intake obviously factoring in frequency.
I believe I have also observed through experience that if I wait a bit longer than I would like before evacuating, so long as I avoid the shart possibilities, my stools seem to require less wiping.
I believe there is room for improvement on the factor such as normalization. Meaning if Shamus normally requires 30 wipes to be clean and John normally requires only 3, Shamus would gain roughly the same increase in satisfaction by requiring 10 less wipes as John reducing his wipe workload by a mere 1 wipe. Also, some tool artificially reducing wipes by simply "spreading the peanut butter" and not actually finishing the job also invalidates the ratio.
So it might look more like:
Px-Pavg/Wipesx-Wipesavg
When I get published.
* one who smells of butt odor
** Thankfully I don't since I don't get up until 6:30 or so.
I realized last week or maybe sometime before that and discussed with Sarah and John Virgil my latest mathematical revelation. It was obvious really. It boils down to mankind's desire to reduce the bloaty fat feeling associated with needed to take a big ol' poop and also his desire to prevent monkey ass. In other words the feeling of walking around with a poorly wiped dookie butt is undesired.
The revelation is simple and it is this. I believe a person can achieve maximum satisfaction in voiding the bowels when my PSF equation is maximized.
I know that some buttsmeller* out there is going to claim the possibility of division by zero therefore violating some mathematical laws etc. However I claim that in order to really know that your shit was such a clean drop that it literally required 0 wipes, you would in effect be required to make the lone diagnostic wipe that comes out clean and thus, as it requires at least one wipe to determine sufficient wiping, there is no division by zero and my contemporaries in mathematics can rest easy.
So what's the value? Well none really unless I give you some methodology for maximizing your PSF. And that my friends as you well know is precisely my area of expertise.
Some people believe that regularity is something to strive for. That's fine, but more important than clockwork regularity (i.e. I shit every morning at 5AM on the button**) is the calendarwork regularity (i.e. I shit once every 3 days)
Maximum volume I believe is achieved through 2 means. Fiber intake and sheer quantity intake obviously factoring in frequency.
I believe I have also observed through experience that if I wait a bit longer than I would like before evacuating, so long as I avoid the shart possibilities, my stools seem to require less wiping.
I believe there is room for improvement on the factor such as normalization. Meaning if Shamus normally requires 30 wipes to be clean and John normally requires only 3, Shamus would gain roughly the same increase in satisfaction by requiring 10 less wipes as John reducing his wipe workload by a mere 1 wipe. Also, some tool artificially reducing wipes by simply "spreading the peanut butter" and not actually finishing the job also invalidates the ratio.
So it might look more like:
Px-Pavg/Wipesx-Wipesavg
When I get published.
* one who smells of butt odor
** Thankfully I don't since I don't get up until 6:30 or so.
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