back lotionerizer?

How to apply body lotion to your back when no one is around to help you?
You love the feel of a body lotion or bath gel, and now you won’t have to be a contortionist to smooth it on your back by yourself! Simply fill the long-reach applicator with your favorite lotion, and gently “massage” the 19 floating “lotion-lubricated” balls all over your back.
Does anyone see an issue with that ad? I'll tell you what's wrong. That milf in the picture doesn't need the self lotion applicator. She definitely won't have any problem finding a guy to "rub lotion lubricated balls all over her back." They probably should have used this chick if they really want to sell it.

Jesse Jackson can suck my oversized nuts

Can somebody please explain to me why "the reverend" Jesse Jackson ever gets a public forum to voice his political cancer? Goddammit this fucking douche is such a fuckwit assclown. Hey Jesse, how about you support something useful and stop fucking random whores and then supporting them with the money you steal from the non-profits you promote. Nobody gives a flying fuck about your opinion of the Terrell Owens suspension. He's a big boy, and the Philadelphia Eagles are pretty familiar with the everyday issues of running a professional football team. Your arguments on why the suspension is too harsh are priceless I will give you that. Yes a guy who beats his wife and does crack is a bad person who probably should receive a worse suspension than a guy who rots his entire team from the inside out like colon cancer. Yes Terrell Owens is a total douche and a flaming pile of anus cancer and I for one hope the guy never plays football again because he just doesn't fucking get it and anyone who comes out in public support of the guy is an asswipe too. Period. If you think Terrell Owens got a raw deal you're an idiot. If you support Terrell Owens right to say whatever he wants to, I agree with you so long as you support the Philadelphia Eagles right to bench his ass without pay for as long as they feel like it. When his "contract" ends then I say he can do what he wants to. Until then he can sit and not get paid for as long as the Eagles want him to. That's what should happen.

an ode to internet porn - on the eve of my birthday

when you see girls
are you like me?
do feel funny
where you pee?

you rub the thing
that pleases you
and from that place
comes pleasure stew

now that you're done
and things subside
you go to bed
and soil your side

I fixed Johnny V's perfect woman for him

Vegas, Doritos and Hold'em

Well I've missed you guys. Here's the lowdown.

• I made it home safely from my first trip to Vegas.
• I won $750 in a $65-32 player Hold'em tournament at Luxor.
• The founder of the company whose software I was there to see sent me his conference badge in a DHL Express overnight pack because I asked him to. AWESOME!
• I heard some Usher song and some Nickelback song at least 10,000 times while I was there.
• I had 4 women in my hotel room bed the second night I was there.
• Each of those 4 women thinks I'm retarded for a different reason
• I just had some new "better tasting" "Nacho Cheesier" Doritos and they're not good.
• I have pictures of my amazing room at the hotel in Vegas. Holy crap it was awesome.
• I'm becoming more libertarian, objectivist, and atheist every day if that's possible.
  
• Sarah said that everything is black and white to me. I think that's the most accurate thing anyone has ever said about me.
• Sarah's sister and roommates had a fantastic Halloween party on the day I returned from Vegas. I got severely hammered and paid Diane to make out with my wife, took pictures of Kim's and Sarah's racks, tried to take pictures up Sarah's skirt and got ridden by Scott dressed as Barb Wire.
• I took a hot picture of Sarah and The Master Hor as well.

I hope you are all doing well. I'm back in the blog saddle. I will be around to make fun of all your posts soon enough. Peace out motherbitches. I think some hot girls should send me their underthings like I'm a rockstar. You know like girls throw stuff on stage. Or even better, I think you should send me pictures of "Shop Dungarees" painted on your bodies. Yeah, do that. Send me some pictures.
jmanpain@hotmail.com

Shop Dunctionary - A guide for the Shop Dungs reader

I'm heading to Vegas and so in my absence I leave you with this. A reference guide for Shop Dungs. Definitions for the inane language used here.

assclown - one who in every attempt to be funny always ends up being a complete a-hole
asspirate - one who plunders the ass of another without commission from it's rightful owner
asswipe - one who is equal in value to that with which one would wipe one's ass
premoistened wipe (PMW) - the single greatest invention of our generation
douche - every moron that does something you can't stand and who makes you want to punch them in the neck
weenjammer - a complete and total douche who tries to be cool but ends up just sucking total bag
D.O.O.D.U - the distributed odor displacement unit. One of my greatest inventions.
Shop Dungarees - the most awesome pair of pants you will ever own
jerkwad - the wad resulting from a furious jerking or a person equivalent to same
jerkass - just click on the word
hor - Sarah or Danielle or any of their friends
hot spare - a really smokin' chick that can stand in at a moment's notice when one of our female lunch crew is unavailable
hot spares - an extra pair of Big Yank underpants you keep in your car for the in the hopefully rare yet horrible event that you shart or completely shit in your pants at work
gapestry - a length of toilet paper hung from the top of the stall used to cover up the gap next to the door
hard charger - an overzealous achiever of position usually regarding elevator entry
monkey puncher - somebody who is stupid enough or computer illiterate enough to actually attempt to punch the monkey on one of those stupid pop up ad banners that has the monkey sliding back and forth.
monkey punching douche - somebody who totally hoses your computer every time they touch it.

So there you have it. You're now armed with my vocabulary to go out and conquer the world with. Good luck. Enjoy.

more bugs

spiders creep me out pretty bad. I've been working on cleaning and painting my garage and putting epoxy on the floor. I will post some before and after pics here soon. However, this post is about all the gross stuff that was living in my garage. While dusting out all the cobwebs, I must've hit a little nest of baby spiders or something because these little red spider looking bastards fell on me and bit me a few times. They were tiny but I could feel where they bit me for a long time. It kinda burned and then itched after awhile. As I continued the cleanup effort, I saw a pretty creepy looking spider come up from the floor between the concrete of the floor and the concrete of the poured wall. I remember reading or hearing one time that if a bug isn't camoflauged it's because it's poisonous. Well this spider was just dingy brown all over except its abdomen was bright white. I smashed it because I thought it was a brown recluse and I didn't feel like having big chunks of my flesh die from his bite. I think after doing a little research though that it was a woodlouse spider. He looked like this.



The next night after that we had this insane midge invasion. The entire front of my house was covered with them. They were talking about them on the news but the worst was my garage. The ceiling in my garage is white but when the midges came there were so many it was basically black. I fog bombed them and woke up to this in the morning.


today was the final day of painting and for the most part the garage was free of bugs and general grossness but as I was finishing painting one wall I looked down and saw this.

That big hairy ugly bastard is a wolf spider. It's called that because it eats small children. Maybe not but jesus christ enough with the bugs. ehkkk. I can't tell you how many times during this crap I've brushed against an inanimate object and totally freaked out swatting at it.

I think if you click on the pictures you can see the full size images. The first spider picture is one I found on the internet because I squished him before I could get a picture. The other 2 pics are ones I took. I got pretty close to that wolf spider to take that picture. Close enough that I can't really sleep right now.

everything stinks

not figuratively but literally. Downtown Cleveland is really starting to smell like Bourbon Street in N.O. Entering the building I work in, if you come in the North side it smells like somebody tried to cure their diarrhea by lighting their anus on fire. If you come in from the West, well it's slightly better. From the West side it just smells like pee. Actually I guess like somebody peed on the guy who lit his anus on fire maybe. I don't know. It's not good whatever it is. Why does everything have to stink so bad? Gosh dammit it's horrible.

Anyway this morning while I was doing the coin toss to determine whether the burning ass or pee entrance was going to be my gateway to paradise today, I started across the street before I realized the don't walk sign guy was flashing red. So I knew I wasn't going to make it to the other side at my current pace before the light turned green. I broke into the classic half-assed 'I don't want to seem like I'm running' run to get the eff out of the way and it occurred to me that this was a sort of personality test. You see there are 2 types of people in the world and you can categorize them by their answer to this question. Decide which one you are and then scroll down to see how closely it matches your personality type (I did it, it's kinda scary how true it is).

When you're in a crosswalk and the light starts flashing or god forbid the opposing traffic light turns green do you a.) make some effort to get out of the roadway more quickly or b.) keep walking at the same pace you were walking at all along because 'hey the cars are stopped and they're not going to run me over'? Choose whether you're person a or person b then scroll.

















If you are person a, you are likely a reasonable and logical person who values his or her time enough to understand that other peoples' time is also valuable and as such is willing to inconvenience themselves slightly for the greater good of following some guideline for conduct.

If you are person b, well, I fucking hate you.

first the wife now the fortune cookie

even my effing fortune cookie has to make a crack about my tiny wang
eff you fortune cookie

Shop Dungar-bees

My house is infested with bees. Mostly they're harmless. They're really lethargic and they just come into the house and die for the most part. But some of these bees are total bitches and today they finally crossed the line. To this I say fuck bees*. I hate bees so much. Some people are all "if you leave them alone they will leave you alone." I left them alone, they bored through the concrete in the front of my house and started pissing me off. Therefore I declared a jihad on bees. I won.


Exhibit A - the bees (the lighter colored stuff is not dust or dirt, it's bees covered with Sevin)


Exhibit B - The shop vac a.k.a the bees' collective grave. (the entire bottom of the shop vac is bees about an inch and a half thick.)



* - I should make an editorial comment in case some joker comes along to tell me what I already know. These are in fact not bees. They are wasps, specifically yellow jackets. The one key difference from my perspective is wasps can sting your ass many times. This "if I sting you I die" concept is the main deterrent for bees. Not so for wasps. That's why wasps suck. But saying fuck wasps just isn't as funny.

Eat a cock Reverend Tom

You rat bastard. This is my url. I moved you to weenreverend.blogspot.com you buttpirate.

my hizzos

(there's more where these came from)


the bonfire - I took this picture with my fans while I was hammered



I Probably Hate You - Shop Dungs - Okay Seriously

Hurricane Rant

Okay I have a few more things. Here they go.

1. Don't pray for your safety. Get the fuck out... I heard some lady on the radio on the way home. She was from Galveston and had decided to stick it out for the old Category 5er. While being interviewed she said "me, my 10 year old son and my 5 year old daughter are going to stay here. No, we're not ready for it but I'm praying and I think god will take care of us." Here's a hint. GOD IS taking care of you. That's why he put weather people on the TV to tell you to get the eff out of there, asswipe. NOW GET THE EFF OUT OF THERE!

2. It ain't global warming asspirate. Michael Moore you're so effing worthless. Why can't your fat, sorry, cheese-clogged aorta stop fueling your big sweaty mouth with the energy to say retarded shit. Hurricanes happen always have always will. You get winded from eating a cheeseburger. I think your weight problem is the root of global warming and hurricanes. I guarantee George Bush is to blame for your being a fat fuck somehow. Bush sucks. We get it. Go do something productive like go to Galveston and jog around in circles in the opposite direction of the hurricane.

That lady from Galveston reminds me of a joke.
There was warning of a huge flood and as the water started coming a man in a truck drove past a ladies house and asked if she'd like a ride to higher ground. She said "no thank you, god will take care of me." Then as the water rose she was forced to the second floor of her house and a man in a boat drove by and asked if she'd like a ride to higher ground. "no thank you, god will take care of me" she replied. As the water rose even higher she was forced to her roof and a helicopter flew over and dropped a rope down to her. She waved to the pilot and said "no thanks, god will take care of me" and promptly drowned. When she got to heaven she asked god why he had allowed her to drown and god said "I sent you a truck, a boat and a helicopter, what more did you want from me, you worthless pile of ass currency."

I'm pretty sure the moral of the story obviously is supposed to be that there's no such thing as god. Or something like that.

There's a studio apartment waiting for me in hell.

I'm a bad drunk

Man lately when I drink I'm a total ass. I mean maybe it was always the case and I'm just realizing it. Anyhoo, to Steph and the remaining sober occupants of the car, I apologize for my final display of complete loss of self control as you were leaving. I blame Sarah. Seriously though as I was approaching the car and still had some composure, the Hornsby line was going to be the funniest delivery ever. Unfortunately since I was drunk and I really love myself a lot when I'm drunk, I heard it before I got it out and completely lost it. That was precious from your perspective I'm sure as I slobbered and laughed uncontrollably at something you never even got to hear. I have pictures though and most of them came out pretty good.

Anyway, thanks for coming and partying with me. It was fun before I started acting like an ass.

Leah, once again, I'm sorry you have to be married to me.

NEWSFLASH!

Bonfire!

Saturday, 7:30 my house.

We have a lot of beer leftover from the reunion. It's all mainstream stuff, no microbrews or crazy stuff. If you want food besides like chips and stuff bring it. I will grill it for you. If you want food like chips and stuff, bring that too probably.

for mel

I got tagged by Mel and since I've been sucking lately at posting anything I decided this counts as something

7 Things I Plan to do Before I Die:
1. Make a will
2. Start a company
3. Parachute out of a plane (maybe immediately before)
4. Hold public office
5. two chicks at once
6. babysit grandkids
7. see the Grand Canyon

7 Things I Can Do:
1. Build a computer
2. Build a garage
3. Make you shoot pop out your nose
4. Shower 4 times in a day
5. Diff Eq's
6. Fix almost anything
7. Throw a spiral

7 Things I Cannot Do:
1. Pee with an audience
2. Play the piano
3. Sing like Josh Groban
4. Russ's girlfriend
5. Two chicks at once
6. Fly a plane
7. Hit my driver.

7 Things That Attract me to the Opposite (or same) Sex:
1. Sense of humor/Sarcasm
2. Intelligence
3. Eyes
4. Dark Hair
5. Sweet Rack
6. Legs
7. Smile

7 Things That I Say Most Often:
1. What's up bitches?
2. Eat a cock
3. WTF
4. shut your piehole
5. brosef
6. mother shitter piece of bitch
7. uh...what the hell bro

7 Celebrity Crushes:
1. Keira Knightly
2. Vince Vaughn
3. Will Ferrell
4. Evangeline Lilly
5. Natalie Portman
6. Terri Hatcher
7. Sandra Bullock

7 People I Want To Do This:
1. Sarah
2. Danielle
3. Scott
4. Carly
5. Johnny
6. Toren
7. Liz

lighten up a bit

My last post generated a lot of commentary most of it mutually respectful and I appreciate that. A lot of people get emotional about national news whatever the source and I appreciate the fact that the comments were for the most part intellectual insight vs emotional rants.

That being said, it's obviously time to get back to talking about poop and balls and stuff. So I'm shifting gears to get back to the real reason people come here, which is obviously to lose control of your bowels from laughing too hard.

I was talking with my dad the other night about when he was a kid which is awesome because it's like going back in time. He has such a good memory and the details he includes are usually hilarious if you can follow it all. Anyway we got to talking about groceries and grocery stores and he was sharing with me how things were when he was a kid. For example, they didn't have a deli in the grocery store. Pretty much the store was the deli. The only things they went to the grocery store for when he was a kid were meat and some canned goods that weren't things a normal family would make themselves. For example peanut butter. Aside from that stuff most of their food was grown by him and his mom and then canned by them at the end of the growing season. He would pack up potatoes in burlap sacks in quantities that were small enough that he could carry the bags into the crawl space of the house that he and his mom built. They would can tomatoes, corn, beans, peas whatever. Then they would eat it all during the winter and repeat the process the following year. Somehow my dad got to talking about lunchmeat and he was saying that they didn't have much selection back in those days. It was either, bologna or salami or pickle loaf. Mostly gross stuff and that got me to thinking about things that didn't really exist in my childhood memories.

Buffalo wings were the first thing I thought of. Holy crap I love buffalo wings, buffalo tenders, buffalo chicken dip, buffalo everything. I think I would cry if I woke up tomorrow and buffalo sauce didn't exist and never existed. What if that happened? What if you woke up tomorrow and your favorite thing never existed? It was just something you dreamt. I have no idea how to make buffalo sauce from scratch but I'm going to figure it out soon before this ends up being a dream and I'm left crying about something nobody's ever heard of.

venting

I'm not even sure I will post this. I'm so thoroughly annoyed by so many things right now that I don't know if I can logically express these things in a socially acceptable politically correct manner. However I just need to get it out.

I will preface by saying that I feel really bad for the people affected by hurricane Katrina. I feel most bad for the ones who simply didn't have the means to get out of harms way. I don't however feel bad for any jackass that gets on tv and starts mouthing off about political bullshit during a time of crisis. I don't feel that bad for millionaires who chose to live 18ft below sea level. I don't feel that bad for people with really nice houses who are stuck in them with water up to the second floor because they refused to heed the warnings. There's a pretty good chance I wouldn't heed the warning of severe weather coming but I will never blame someone else when I'm stuck on the roof of my house someday because I refused to listen to the warnings. Although around here the fucking weather reports are so goddamned relentless that they will interrupt the last 5 minutes of the season finale of your favorite show to inform you that there might be a light dusting of snow for the morning commute, so they better fucking be all up ons when a hurricane is going to bury my house in water. The weather people are like people that play the same lottery numbers every day. You're kinda stuck playing them every day forever because you can't bear the thought of not playing them and having them hit. Weather people have established a history of exaggerrating the effects of weather so if there really is a terrible disaster coming they better fucking be telling us about it.

So I'm a little off topic here because what I really want to discuss is the refugees and Kanye West. I'm just baffled and depressed by how racism becomes a factor in everything. I really don't believe racism factors into half of the events that get accused of it. Not enough black head coaches in the NFL.... must be racism at play. Not enough black Quarterbacks.... definitely racism. Ty got booted off of Rockstar INXS and gave a really empassioned and totally racist departure speech because obviously it was racism that led to his departure. And now at the forefront of it all is the disaster in the south. Federal aid and public support seemingly aren't happening as fast as they should...... without a doubt it's obviously racism. George Bush must be a racist because Kanye West derailed a fund raising concert to declare it.

You know who's a racist? KANYE WEST! Fuck you asswipe. A whole host of amzing caring people with great intentions put together an amazingly powerful fund raising concert simulcast on all 3 NBC stations to raise money for a really important cause and all you have to say is basically America and George Bush don't care about black people. How fucking stupid can you be. Nothing extinguishes the spirit of giving like a racist moron getting on tv to make political statements at the expense of people in such dire need of help. The only saving grace is, although you asked me specifically to imagine that it was you out there suffering, I ignored you. I imagine the people suffering are normal people like me not racist fucking millionaires that have no ties to reality whatsoever. I'm not talking about the people who are stranded either. Those people are in an emotionally unstable state and don't have the luxury right now of knowing the magnitude of the disaster. So they say uninformed things that frankly the news media should have the common sense to keep off the television. But as a public figure with access to all the facts, if you're so dumb that you can't understand how detrimental your racist political statements are to the public spirit of giving, then please just stay off the damn television.

GODDAMMIT. Nearly a million people are homeless. It's going to take time to provide aid in a strategic successful effort. People are there. People are helping. The government is helping. The weather people made it clear (at least to me) that New Orleans was in dire straits at least 3 days before the storm hit groundfall. You know what happens if you just set out to deliver enough food for 1000 people to a convention center with 20,000 people in it. You get a riot. Things have to be thought out and executed in a rational plan and it takes time even for the "magical" federal government to mount that strategy to help a a city of a million people who are now in the 18 feet of water.

Please don't misunderstand me. I am as hearbroken and saddened by the tragedy as anyone. I really urge everyone to give whatever they can manage to help the cause.

Here are some easy ways to give money:
Red Cross via Yahoo Stores
Red Cross Direct
Salvation Army

Good people care about the people who are in need in the south. Good people are doing everything they can to help. Good people are offering their homes to strangers. I'm just frankly really tired of racists leading the charge against it.

me and my bub

This is me and my buddy the J-Man.
He's going to draft my fantasy football team for me this year.
He can't possibly do worse than I did last year.

set your TiVo's

Holy crap is today going to be a great day for TiVo owners. Hurricane Katrina is making landfall this morning/afternoon and there will undoubtedly be countless TV douches out in the storm reporting on it. This is going to be one for the ages. I predict at least one of these effing douchebags will be physically thrown by the storm during a live feed. If you capture that with your TiVo..... Internet GOLD! Good luck all.