Henry Gale

Yesterday morning I woke up to the repeating sound of a propane blowtorch or a jet car testing the burner or something to that effect. I've been in a hot air balloon once and the sound of the burner heating the air in the balloon is pretty unmistakeable however even though I was sure that's what I was hearing it literally sounded like it was happening inside my house. I heard my wife get up and open the sliding glass door to the backyard and then she came in and said "you gotta come here." I jumped up and we walked out the front door to this.



That's really a picture of my front yard on Sunday morning at 8:24 AM. This guy just dropped his hot air balloon (HAB) right on my front lawn. It was awesome. My kids both lost their minds.



The weather was really calm and apparently this was a perfect day for this guy to learn how to take off and land in a HAB and so he was just going up and down all over the county. Kinda like Okay Seriously Sarah and the Cheesecakehor but in a different way.

I asked him if I could take it for a ride but he was all "um, how would you get it back here" then I was like "click my heels bro, c'mon even a rookie should know that one"

Then he was like "allright creepy loser guy, I'll see you later."



Then I was like "ok see you later Henry Gale."

Anni-vas-ery

Sarah celebrated her home ownership one year anniversary and it made me think "man I remember helping her move and my balls were real sore." Then I remembered I had them cut into around that time so I checked the blog archives and sure enough today is my 1 year vasectoversary. It's been a good year with no sperm in my ejaculate. I was using the leftover condoms for whacking it because jesus says it's a sin to touch yourself but with a layer of latex I was kind of skirting the rules. Now I'm going to hell. I have to say the seedless grapes are completely healed, there was a time there when I thought I might have permanent ballache but it's all good now. I haven't had as many random bitches as I had hoped or as my wife promised when I agreed to go under the knife but it's cool I'm sure it's in the works.

Also as promised here is a diagram explaining my previous 3rd degree sunburn.
During A I was wearing a bathing suit and my entire front got burned because I'm retarded and had 50 SPF on my back and nothing on the front. During B I was wearing a skin tight biking jersey and spandex shorts and went biking for 30 miles with no sunscreen at all.

Sweet Tan

Listening to Dixie Chicks on a Spongebob Boombox

Hi Guys,

I'm on vacation in North Carolina. I'm in Snead's Ferry on Topsail Island hanging out with the in laws. To most people that maybe doesn't sound like the best thing but my in laws are pretty cool and we're having a great time. Much alcohol has been consumed and I have maybe the greatest farmer tan/sun burn pattern ever seen. I'm going to try to get somebody to take a picture of it tonight and I will try to post it tomorrow. You will enjoy because either you are gay like John Virgil and Scott or you are in love with me like HoKay Seriously, Cheesecakepot, Going on Horty, SLCUPS, Mel and LoLo. I'm having a good time, eating well exercising well and drinking well. I'll see you peeps when I get back to C-Town.

Later dogs,
JManPain

I'm fat again

I took too much time off. I'm a lardpiece again. I got really annoyed about it today and went exercise nutso. For the first time since I've been training for the triathlon I did the swim distance, bike distance and run distance all in one day. eff you fatpiece. man I hate me.

The BFL "After" Pics and an Explanation

Several people complimented me on my orange picture and like a total douchebag I thought everyone was making fun of me. However, I'm not normally one of those people who can't take a compliment. It was just a weird combination of things that caused me to be a little self conscious. See, when I was peeling the orange and took that final picture I immediately checked it on the camera to see if I looked like an a-hole. In fact I did, so I decided to take 4 additional pictures to try to get a better one all of which were worse. So before anyone even made a comment I was already in the mindset that I looked like a total douche, however in my defense it didn't keep me from posting the picture. Anyway as a thanks for the compliments, here for your enjoyment are the other 4 pictures of me celebrating my victory over the orange. I couldn't make up my mind whether to try to convey surprise or joy so you end up with these.











Part II
the after pictures
For your additional enjoyment here are the "after" photos from the first 12 weeks of BFL or the "before" pictures for my next 12 weeks. It's your choice.



Round 2 BFL starts next Monday May 1st. Who's with us? So far it's me, Virgil and OKS Sarah doing a light version.

Teledildonics

Okay Seriously Sarah's life was apparantly changed when I taught her how to peel an orange. Here's a step by step photo how to.

1. Start with a Sunkist naval orange.


2. With the stem end towards the ceiling, make a latitudinal cut around the North Pole with a sharp paring knife or a swiss army pocket knife.


3. Invert the orange so that the naval end is towards the ceiling and repeat.


4. Now make 3 longitudinal cuts 120 degrees apart connecting the first 2 cuts. (on a large orange you might want to make 4 cuts 90 degrees apart)


5. Pop off the skin on the naval end, sometimes this will also include a little mini orange growing in the naval end.


6. This is the magic moment. If you peel off the stem end carefully the entire center crap comes with it.


7. Now peel the 3 remaining pieces.


8. The orange and the peel.


9. The empty orange skin I tried to fool my kid with.


10. Celebrate your victory over the orange.

The Home Stretch

Well folks, I'm nearing the final sprint of my 12 week Body for Life marathon. Today marks the 71st day of the 84 day program. I've reached a sort of mental fitness/illness where I actually sort of want to or need to exercise everyday. On my "off" day this weekend I biked 22 miles (18 on my new road bike with Iron Mike and 2 more with each of my kids in the seat on the back of my mountain bike) and also ran 2 miles. For the weekend as a whole I biked 30 miles and ran 4.

Here's a progress report for the beginning of week 10 of 12.

Start date January 23rd:
Weight 197 lbs
Pushups 25
Mile 9:40
6 Rep Bench Press 144 lbs

Today April 4th:
Weight 183 lbs
Pushups 41
Mile 7:45
6 Rep Bench Press 188 lbs

When I started I also snored like a chainsaw when I slept. I will double check with my wife but I don't think I snore much at all anymore. I've followed the plan very closely having not missed a single days workout to this point and adhering to the food plan with very few rule infractions usually coming on the morning following an "off day."

While the numbers don't really seem all that impressive, the one that really sticks out for me is the bench. When I started I benched 50lbs less than my weight for the 6 rep set, currently I bench 5 lbs more than my weight for the same number of reps. My arms have definitely improved the most from an aesthetic perspective. I still have a pretty good spare tire going but I have gone from wearing a pretty tight size 36 pants to a comfortable if not loose size 34.

The after photos are coming soon. I know everyone wants to see if the manboobs survived their toughest assault to date. I have to say their survival appears imminent at this point.

-Your friend,
Shoddy For Life

Efficiency

Aparently they're going to start monitoring our instant messaging at work. I asked Scott if it was in place yet. This is our conversation

John: is sametime being monitored yet?
Scott: fuck you
John: so no then?

___

The Home Stretch

Almost there! Only 20lbs to go. Here's some current pics.

Jelly Belly Before

Here's another beauty from before BFL. The reason I'm standing on those electrical cords is I was trying to kill myself. My stomach seriously looks like something is trying to get out.
Also I'm pretty tan.

4 Weeks Left

I'm still a little embarassed to put up the before pictures so I decided to post one that showed the tremendous progress I've made. Here you go ladies. Enjoy.





ok really that's my god awful before picture from January 23rd. Seriously that's the worst picture ever taken of me and it's horrible. It took me 8 weeks to decide that I didn't mind posting it on my blog.

Scent of a Woman

This morning on the radio I heard about

Vulva tm <---not work appropriate

uhhhhh..... I have to say, I like a nice hoohoonanny probably as much as any guy out there but I'm not sure there's a market for this. I mean I might get a bottle just out of curiosity if I can figure out how much 19 euros actually would cost me but it's purely out of curiosity.

I mean how in god's name do they make this stuff? Seriously the contents have to be suspect.

Shop Dungs Guide to the Oscars

The Academy Awards are almost here and I know you all come to this blog for an insider's guide to Hollywood, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences and gambling. That's why I'm prepared to give you the winning picks you'll need to take home the trophy this year at your annual Oscar party.

Picking the winners really couldn't be simpler than it will be this year in the 2006 Academy Awards. If there's one thing AMPAS loves more than a cowboy movie, it's a cowboy movie with great cinematography. If there's one thing they love more than both of those things it's the gays. That's what I call the Brokeback Mountain trifecta. This triumvirate of Oscar gold guarantees the most severe and heinous beating ever delivered by a single film at the Oscars. This troika of Cowboys, Cinematography and Buttsex is as sure a thing as the Vegas oddsmakers have ever seen. This is why it's imperative that you listen to the next sentence.

Pick Philip Seymour Hoffman.
I know that makes no sense but listen, he was awesome as the elephant man in last week's episode of Grey's Anatomy and his standup comedy routine under the pseudonym Jim Gaffigan is unmatched in comic genius. He will win for those 2 things alone, his performance in Capote was gravy.

You know and I know that I have a massive boner right now for Keira Knightley and in fact just Cheneyed my undershorts. Ok maybe you didn't know that but you do now and I'm very sorry for that. However, the Academy is filled with bitter old hags and they no likey the hot young bone raiser named Keira. That is why Dame Edna will win her 33rd straight Oscar. Sorry, I mean Dame Judi Dench. This doesn't really seem to have any rhyme or reason until you realize that Judi Dench is a man, he's gay, and he owns a ranch in Wyoming. Then it's obvious.

Outside of those nuggets, the rest is cake.

• if Brokeback is involved it will win
• Wallace and Gromit are awesome
• King Kong cost a lot to make and therefore wherever Brokeback Mountain is not nominated it will win the "sorry you were up against a gay cowboy cinematographic masterpiece" Oscar.
• Costume design always goes to gay old period pieces. That means Pride and Prejudice
• The rest go like this - March of the Penguins, God Sleeps in Rwanda, The Constant Gardner, Don't Tell, Chronic-what?-cles of Narnia, 9, Our Time is Up, Memoirs of a Geisha

Take that shit to the bank, sign the back on the left end as you look at it from the front and cash cash that shit. I'm good for it.

Good Night and Good Luck,

-Shop Dungarees

WTF

am I the only one that doesn't have a fucking clue what "text A to 3333" means? they just said that on American Idol and I'm like what in the sam fuck does that mean? That's like meeting somebody and having them say "hey call me sometime my number is 78436."

Have you been watching the olympics? Women's curling apparently requires you to be hot to compete. Figure skating has camel spins and toe loops, I think I'm going to invent a new move called the cameltoe spin loop. That's when the girl puts her leg over her head and leaps into a spin and then her leotard goes for the gold. That's my new favorite olympic move.

I made some tomato sauce from scratch. That's pretty retarded. I don't recommend it.

What else? What are you bitches doin? I seriously hate Ryan Seacrest and Ty Pennington with every fiber of my being. I know Ty is on the show where they do nice stuff for people that deserve it but he's such a goddamned credit seeking loudmouthed jerkwad. Shut up with the fucking bullhorn douche. And for christ sake stop with the cheesy "well I guess there's just one thing to say, welcome home Tara Kubena..... welcome home" Whatever, center of attention guy.

I just recently got a 2 tuner HD DVR from Comcast and I have to say it's effing fantastic. Being able to record HD is just plain awesome. I mean the timing was a little weak given I've had to trade Earl and the Office for a bunch of High Definition shots of dudes pressed sausage under leotard strain but hey it's HD baby. For every High Definition baggage check I have to suffer through there's High Defintion women's curling and figure skating to even it out.

I guess there's just one thing left to say, Welcome home high definition DVR...... welcome home.

Problem Solved

Where you was.... Shop Dungs?

A lot of me hurts. The Body for Life program is kicking my ass routinely. I never have time to blog or else I have time but my arms don't work. I have to say however, at this point it looks like it's not total bullshit. I mean it seems like it's going to work if I keep doing for 12 weeks what I've been doing for the first 3 but working out and eating properly is kinda bullshit. Fortunately for you blog reader I haven't been blogging because Body for Life is all I talk about lately and I think the lunch crew is fairly annoyed with me. You guys are fine.

When I run in the morning, which is when I always do the running, I get about 18 minutes into the 20 minute routine before I really start to have to poop. Those last 2 minutes are risky every time I run. Anyway, once I get off the treadmill, sweat erupts from me like old faithful. It seems like gallons are pouring out of me and what happens is my butt cheeks get really sweaty and then I sit on the toilet and I feel like I'm slipping down into the hole because I'm so slicked up. It's not the most comfortable way to poop.

I'm still pretty fat when I look in the mirror. My man-maries are still pretty generous sized. I have lost 11 pounds since December 19th though so somewhere on me there's 11 pounds missing. It's probably mostly muscle and penis weight. Thanks TFG you bastardhead.

Seriously though, it's been almost 3 weeks and everyone has been very supportive of my goal to get through the 12 weeks. Specifically you blog peeps for the words of encouragement, Russ for the homemade protein shakes, Jan for knocking the Smarties tm out of my hand, JackVirgil for talking me down when I try to eat the donuts, Kim for keeping me in protein shakes of a different kind and nutrition bars, Hor've Villchez for listening to me cry about my legs and for walking slower in the mornings to get coffee, the Schaefs for getting me the swimming pass that I still haven't paid for, OK Horiously for walking to GNC and listening to me talk about food and BFL for like her entire life without killing herself and most of all Elb for buying all the stuff I need to keep from cheating and for packing my lunch all the time and everything else.

I'll get back in the groove and post something sooner now that I got this shit by the horns.

Live longer with exercise

You know how they say exercise makes you live longer. Exercise is just like having kids, everyone who does it tries to convince you that it's wonderful. Furthermore once you have one and they drive you nuts, people start telling you "oh you need to have another, it's not as hard as the first and they will keep each other occupied.....blah blah blah" Then you have kids and you're like "I'll effing kill those sonsabitches that told me to have kids."

Such is the way of exercise. Somebody who's in shape convinces you, tells you it's going to be wonderful, make you live longer....blah blah blah. What they really want is another person to share their misery. See the thing is exercise doesn't make you live longer. Exercise makes every day seem longer because of all the pain. It's just like dieting. Eat right live longer. No.... eat right and you will feel like days are neverending because of all the whey and cod liver oil you're eating and trying to make taste like a Meat Lover's tm Pan Pizza.

In short what I'm trying to say is, the Body for Life plan is going wonderfully. You all should try it. The food isn't as bad as it would seem and the exercise only makes you sore for a little bit, then you're better than new.

Try it.... you'll live longer.

Body for Life

I bought the book. I'm doing the 12 week challenge. If you're lucky I won't post the before picture here. I might have to post it though just to motivate myself. God I hate me. I'm a fat pile of crap. I promise you all right here right now I'm doing this 12 week challenge with every bit of dedication and energy I can muster. Because I know everyone loves a before and after photo and it's even better when you know the person. Plus when I finish the 12 weeks you will know once and for all if Body for Life is for real or if it's total bullshit. I promise you I will follow all the rules for 12 weeks and I will do all the exericise like it's my religion. Well I'll do better than that because my religion is sitting on the couch watching football and tracking my fantasy stats online. I start tomorrow. Tomorrow is day 1 of 84. Tomorrow I will start the challenge at 196 lbs with a big belly, 2 good sized man boobies, poor cardiovascular conditioning, a general lethargic disposition, a history of self letdown and a love of all things not contained on the list of foods I'm allowed to eat Monday through Saturday. Wish me luck but more importantly count on me to do it. Let me know that you really need to know if this thing is BS or not. Let me know that you really need to see a set of abs that have been hiding under lard for roughly 34 years. I'm doing it baby. I hope I don't look exactly like my before picture at the end because that will completely effing blow a shitty cock.

-JMan

Training

My brother in law, Iron Mike is helping me train for a mini-Triathlon in June. We were swimming the other day and he said, "one good thing about swimming is you won't be sore tomorrow." Well one good thing about Iron Mike is he's a goddamned liar.