Shop Dungs Guide to the Oscars

The Academy Awards are almost here and I know you all come to this blog for an insider's guide to Hollywood, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences and gambling. That's why I'm prepared to give you the winning picks you'll need to take home the trophy this year at your annual Oscar party.

Picking the winners really couldn't be simpler than it will be this year in the 2006 Academy Awards. If there's one thing AMPAS loves more than a cowboy movie, it's a cowboy movie with great cinematography. If there's one thing they love more than both of those things it's the gays. That's what I call the Brokeback Mountain trifecta. This triumvirate of Oscar gold guarantees the most severe and heinous beating ever delivered by a single film at the Oscars. This troika of Cowboys, Cinematography and Buttsex is as sure a thing as the Vegas oddsmakers have ever seen. This is why it's imperative that you listen to the next sentence.

Pick Philip Seymour Hoffman.
I know that makes no sense but listen, he was awesome as the elephant man in last week's episode of Grey's Anatomy and his standup comedy routine under the pseudonym Jim Gaffigan is unmatched in comic genius. He will win for those 2 things alone, his performance in Capote was gravy.

You know and I know that I have a massive boner right now for Keira Knightley and in fact just Cheneyed my undershorts. Ok maybe you didn't know that but you do now and I'm very sorry for that. However, the Academy is filled with bitter old hags and they no likey the hot young bone raiser named Keira. That is why Dame Edna will win her 33rd straight Oscar. Sorry, I mean Dame Judi Dench. This doesn't really seem to have any rhyme or reason until you realize that Judi Dench is a man, he's gay, and he owns a ranch in Wyoming. Then it's obvious.

Outside of those nuggets, the rest is cake.

• if Brokeback is involved it will win
• Wallace and Gromit are awesome
• King Kong cost a lot to make and therefore wherever Brokeback Mountain is not nominated it will win the "sorry you were up against a gay cowboy cinematographic masterpiece" Oscar.
• Costume design always goes to gay old period pieces. That means Pride and Prejudice
• The rest go like this - March of the Penguins, God Sleeps in Rwanda, The Constant Gardner, Don't Tell, Chronic-what?-cles of Narnia, 9, Our Time is Up, Memoirs of a Geisha

Take that shit to the bank, sign the back on the left end as you look at it from the front and cash cash that shit. I'm good for it.

Good Night and Good Luck,

-Shop Dungarees

WTF

am I the only one that doesn't have a fucking clue what "text A to 3333" means? they just said that on American Idol and I'm like what in the sam fuck does that mean? That's like meeting somebody and having them say "hey call me sometime my number is 78436."

Have you been watching the olympics? Women's curling apparently requires you to be hot to compete. Figure skating has camel spins and toe loops, I think I'm going to invent a new move called the cameltoe spin loop. That's when the girl puts her leg over her head and leaps into a spin and then her leotard goes for the gold. That's my new favorite olympic move.

I made some tomato sauce from scratch. That's pretty retarded. I don't recommend it.

What else? What are you bitches doin? I seriously hate Ryan Seacrest and Ty Pennington with every fiber of my being. I know Ty is on the show where they do nice stuff for people that deserve it but he's such a goddamned credit seeking loudmouthed jerkwad. Shut up with the fucking bullhorn douche. And for christ sake stop with the cheesy "well I guess there's just one thing to say, welcome home Tara Kubena..... welcome home" Whatever, center of attention guy.

I just recently got a 2 tuner HD DVR from Comcast and I have to say it's effing fantastic. Being able to record HD is just plain awesome. I mean the timing was a little weak given I've had to trade Earl and the Office for a bunch of High Definition shots of dudes pressed sausage under leotard strain but hey it's HD baby. For every High Definition baggage check I have to suffer through there's High Defintion women's curling and figure skating to even it out.

I guess there's just one thing left to say, Welcome home high definition DVR...... welcome home.

Problem Solved

Where you was.... Shop Dungs?

A lot of me hurts. The Body for Life program is kicking my ass routinely. I never have time to blog or else I have time but my arms don't work. I have to say however, at this point it looks like it's not total bullshit. I mean it seems like it's going to work if I keep doing for 12 weeks what I've been doing for the first 3 but working out and eating properly is kinda bullshit. Fortunately for you blog reader I haven't been blogging because Body for Life is all I talk about lately and I think the lunch crew is fairly annoyed with me. You guys are fine.

When I run in the morning, which is when I always do the running, I get about 18 minutes into the 20 minute routine before I really start to have to poop. Those last 2 minutes are risky every time I run. Anyway, once I get off the treadmill, sweat erupts from me like old faithful. It seems like gallons are pouring out of me and what happens is my butt cheeks get really sweaty and then I sit on the toilet and I feel like I'm slipping down into the hole because I'm so slicked up. It's not the most comfortable way to poop.

I'm still pretty fat when I look in the mirror. My man-maries are still pretty generous sized. I have lost 11 pounds since December 19th though so somewhere on me there's 11 pounds missing. It's probably mostly muscle and penis weight. Thanks TFG you bastardhead.

Seriously though, it's been almost 3 weeks and everyone has been very supportive of my goal to get through the 12 weeks. Specifically you blog peeps for the words of encouragement, Russ for the homemade protein shakes, Jan for knocking the Smarties tm out of my hand, JackVirgil for talking me down when I try to eat the donuts, Kim for keeping me in protein shakes of a different kind and nutrition bars, Hor've Villchez for listening to me cry about my legs and for walking slower in the mornings to get coffee, the Schaefs for getting me the swimming pass that I still haven't paid for, OK Horiously for walking to GNC and listening to me talk about food and BFL for like her entire life without killing herself and most of all Elb for buying all the stuff I need to keep from cheating and for packing my lunch all the time and everything else.

I'll get back in the groove and post something sooner now that I got this shit by the horns.

Live longer with exercise

You know how they say exercise makes you live longer. Exercise is just like having kids, everyone who does it tries to convince you that it's wonderful. Furthermore once you have one and they drive you nuts, people start telling you "oh you need to have another, it's not as hard as the first and they will keep each other occupied.....blah blah blah" Then you have kids and you're like "I'll effing kill those sonsabitches that told me to have kids."

Such is the way of exercise. Somebody who's in shape convinces you, tells you it's going to be wonderful, make you live longer....blah blah blah. What they really want is another person to share their misery. See the thing is exercise doesn't make you live longer. Exercise makes every day seem longer because of all the pain. It's just like dieting. Eat right live longer. No.... eat right and you will feel like days are neverending because of all the whey and cod liver oil you're eating and trying to make taste like a Meat Lover's tm Pan Pizza.

In short what I'm trying to say is, the Body for Life plan is going wonderfully. You all should try it. The food isn't as bad as it would seem and the exercise only makes you sore for a little bit, then you're better than new.

Try it.... you'll live longer.

Body for Life

I bought the book. I'm doing the 12 week challenge. If you're lucky I won't post the before picture here. I might have to post it though just to motivate myself. God I hate me. I'm a fat pile of crap. I promise you all right here right now I'm doing this 12 week challenge with every bit of dedication and energy I can muster. Because I know everyone loves a before and after photo and it's even better when you know the person. Plus when I finish the 12 weeks you will know once and for all if Body for Life is for real or if it's total bullshit. I promise you I will follow all the rules for 12 weeks and I will do all the exericise like it's my religion. Well I'll do better than that because my religion is sitting on the couch watching football and tracking my fantasy stats online. I start tomorrow. Tomorrow is day 1 of 84. Tomorrow I will start the challenge at 196 lbs with a big belly, 2 good sized man boobies, poor cardiovascular conditioning, a general lethargic disposition, a history of self letdown and a love of all things not contained on the list of foods I'm allowed to eat Monday through Saturday. Wish me luck but more importantly count on me to do it. Let me know that you really need to know if this thing is BS or not. Let me know that you really need to see a set of abs that have been hiding under lard for roughly 34 years. I'm doing it baby. I hope I don't look exactly like my before picture at the end because that will completely effing blow a shitty cock.

-JMan

Training

My brother in law, Iron Mike is helping me train for a mini-Triathlon in June. We were swimming the other day and he said, "one good thing about swimming is you won't be sore tomorrow." Well one good thing about Iron Mike is he's a goddamned liar.

um

I just pooped. So much for that resolution.

you knew it was coming

My resolutions for 2006. I decided to do real ones. I think I can hold to these.

• no more work poops
• no more Party Poker
• do some form of exercise for the sake of exercise every day
• lose 10 lbs
• no more sugar in my coffee
• pack my lunch at least 3 days a week
• do the triathlon in June

That's my deal. One of last year's resolutions was also to lose 10 lbs I think. I believe when I wrote it I weighed 196.5. When 2006 began I weighed 201 lbs. That one went pretty well. Eff you fat boy.

I also said I would get to my desk at work before 8 at least 3 days a week. I didn't arrive at work before 8 a total of 3 times in 2005. What a loser

I said I would get rid of my cats. I did. Cats blow.

Allright let's do this bitches. 2007 here I come. Man I can't even believe how fast 2006 went.

National Champs

I had no stake in the Rose Bowl, I couldn't have cared less who won but I just watched the greatest national championship game in NCAA history and I have to say Vince Young is absolutely amazing. No player has ever had a bigger game in a bigger game. Holy crap he was effing amazing tonight. I hope he plays one more year and the Browns go winless next year. He had 200 yards rushing and 3 rushing TD's and he's the freaking quarterback! I am not disappointed that I stayed up to watch this whole game. Unbelievable. He accounted for 467 yds of total offense.

I saw this face recognition website on Carly's blog and decided to give it a try. I got a 98% match. Here's who I look most like.

Shop Dungs Paper Anniversary

Happy New Year all. Today marks the one year anniversary of the Shop Dungarees Blog and in celebration I have posted these photos of the gifts of paper I am looking forward to receiving. Tomorrow I will be reviewing my resolutions of 2005 and how I managed to fail at most of them.

Merry Wintertime Holiday Season to All

Hi internet friends. I hope you're all having a nice holiday timeframe. We had a lovely dinner and drinks at my mother and father in law's house last night and saw santa claus and took a million pictures and videos and exchanged gifts and had a great time. This morning we had a fantastic brunch at the wondercouple's house, took a few more pictures and videos drank some more alcohol and I rearranged the Merry Christmas blocks on the fireplace to say "Hire My Ass". This was also a very good time and now that we're home relaxing I thought I'd say hi to my internet friends and write a few letters a la the lovely Sarah. So here you go.

Dear Playskool,
Thank you for being an "educational" company that misspells skool. Good work on that.

Dear Tonka,
Thank you for making the awesomest bulldozer ever and for keeping my son from being a whiny biatch for like 45 whole min.

Dear Mattel,
Shake-N-Go Racers tm are awesome, your packaging however, is not. Thank you for the 4 lacerations, 3 broken eardrums, 2 minor eye abrasions and the anal tear. Maybe you don't have kids but when it takes 37 hours to get the Racers out of the package, kids get all kinds of effing crazy. Stop with the goddamned razor wire twist ties already. Jesus H Christ.


Dear Home Depot/Toys R Us assembly instruction writer,
Blow me.


That's all for now, thanks for reading the blog this year. It's almost been one whole year since I started. I know the quality isn't always there but at least the quantity isn't there either so even though the stuff I write sucks it lately at least I don't write that often.

Merry Christmas,
-JMan

Ripping off Virgil

Johnny Virgil has some funny searches that have landed people on his site. His commentary about them is equally funny if not funnier. I don't have any commentary but holy crap people get to my blog with some effed up searches. I mean #1 is just sacriligious and #8 I can't even count the number of things I've lost up there.

Not 100% truthful advertising

I recently bought a shirt made by a company called Under Armour tm. They always show the shirts in thier ads without a person but as if a very fit body were in it. I assumed this was because when you wore the Under Armour that's how you would look. That's what made me buy it.



Unfortunately when I got it and tried it on it didn't look exactly like the ads. I mean I still look totally hot but just not as good as the hardbody they advertise. I took a picture of me in my new Under Armour just to show you how well it works.

5 Weird Habits

I got tagged by Mel. First like the normal way then from behind. Wait that was something different..... um she just wanted me to tell you about 5 weird habits I have.

1. I eat all of each individual item on my plate before I move to the next item usually in the reverse order of how much I like each item. So I eat all my french fries then my quarter pounder or all my salad then all my vegetables then my steak then my mashed potatoes and gravy.
2. The first thing I do when I enter my own house every night is wash my hands. I also wash my hands like 1000 times a day, and I generally will wash my hands when I go to somebody else's house within a few minutes of being there.
3. I have a clean nostril obsession. Which means I twist up toilet paper and kleenex and shove it up in there to get any possible grossness out. I know that's supposed to be not healthy or something but I hate thinking there might be something in my nose.
4. I rinse/wash every glass I take out of a cupboard before I will use it. I do this for other people too.
5. I turn each sock inside out and shake out and pull off any lint/possible toejam fodder before I put the sock on.

I really have some OCD issues. It's almost uncomfortable to be forced to think about all of my them. I could have made a list of 20 weird things but they all would've sounded similar.

I tag - Danielle, Sarah, Scott, Toren and Carly. Don't bitch about me tagging you because you know you liked it.

Shit covered tinsel

There aren't a lot of things that just completely and thoroughly disgust me. I've got a pretty strong stomach and general overall constitution but I now must disabuse you of one misconception. The misconception that I am a fan of poop. Although I talk a lot about poop, you will notice that most of the discussion centers around ridding myself of the existence of feces, the odor of feces and the overall general disgustingness of feces. My inventions are all feces/feces odor eliminators. Animals, on the other hand, love the feces. They dig in it, roll in it, eat it and play with it. This is why I hate pets. Yeah dogs are awesome. Dogs also lick their anuses and then your face. Dog people are cool with that. I'm not. Maybe you're a cat person well here's why I'm not.

1. People with cats smell like they have cats. Now the ocd readers who have cats are saying "no I keep the litterbox spotless" or "no I built a special room for the cats to shit in" or "no my litterbox is motorized and cleans itself 30 seconds after the cat soils." Trust me I know all this stuff because I was you a year ago. And while some are certainly better than others, cats stink up your house and you.

2. Cats piss on your stuff. "Not my cat" really just means "Not yet mine hasn't" Your cat will piss on something you really like someday. I hope you enjoy it. I don't.

3. Cats puke up living spaghetti. Yeah. This made me almost puke. My cat had a tapeworm and puked the whole thing up on the fireplace hearth one day. It was still moving and it looked like a plate of spaghetti. This is almost the most disgusting thing ever. If it weren't for the final straw and the final reason I won't ever have a cat again. Reason #4.

4. Cats eat tinsel. Tinsel is basically shiny string. Why a cat would eat the fucking stuff is beyond me but cats are retarded and cats eat shit from their own anuses so psychoanalysing a cat is futile. Merely eating the tinsel however isn't really what I take issue with. Where I have a problem is when a cat who has recently partaken of this shiny metal treat takes a poop but only about 30% of the length of the tinsel leaves the colonand it DOESN'T BREAK! So kitty drags his newfound shit covered tinsel tail around the house until yours truly either a.) finds it on an object that is has snagged on or b.) extracts it manually.

Well guess what I'm not doing this Christmas. Sorry kitties. I hope you're doing well.

What have I been doing?

A lot of time has passed since my last blog post. I've matured. I've grown to realize there's more to life than making fun of the handicapped. There's more to talk about than poop. I've grown up. I've changed for the better. I've been out campaigning for retard levies. I've been trying to help the blacks shake off the opression of "the man" and I've been spending a great deal of time doing the following.

1. Losing at online poker.
2. Losing at fantasy football.
3. Losing at losing weight.
4. Wiping
5. Surfing porn
6. Not sleeping
7. Sharda
8. Secretly not doing what I'm supposed to not be doing at work and secretly not talking to the people I'm not supposed to be talking to.
9. Steph
10. Your mom

I know I know, that's a lot of stuff and it's hard to believe I'm able to accomplish it all. Well some of it happens while I'm asleep. 7 and 9 come to mind for example. A lot of people were hoping I'd include 10 on that but no. I am in fact spending a lot of time doing your moms.

I'm open to suggestions for new wiping techniques. I really think I need to give up premoistened wipes. While I firmly believe my anus is as clean as they come, I am beginning to think that's not really how your anus was intended to be maintained.

Also on that front, or rear as it were, I sometimes wipe after a bad poop and like after 2 or 3 wipes I will perform a blanket wipe to zero in on problem areas. This is not a normally occurring thing but it's disturbing when it occurs. The general gist of it is I pretty much focus right on the centerhole. Like J. Geils used to say "na na nana nana Anus is the Centerhole". Anyway if you wipe like me you realize that the area requiring maintenance is usually a pretty focused region but every once in a while I stick the paper down there after a pass I observe streaking in an area of the paper that shouldn't be soiled. It's disheartening. Generally for me this means it's time to get in the shower because I don't think toilet paper is really going to do justice back there.

Ok well that whole paragraph was pretty disgusting and you guys are starting to think "I thought earlier in this post he said there was more to talk about than poop." Well you're wrong. Scroll up and reread what I said. Ok you were right that is what I said but I'm only human.

Apparently some blogger died or something. I hope Keira Knightly doesn't get real mad about my blog and then come to my house to try to kill me with sweet love. That would be a horrible way to go.*

*that's reverse psychology. Secretly I do want Keira Knightly to try to kill me with love overload. Shhhhh.

Allright my biatches. Peace out. Happy Birthday Sarah and Danielle and Scott pretty soon and Wayne and Leah. Thanks for inviting me over for braised lamb, Cheesecakepot.

Shop Dung's 1st annual Blogfest 2006 is in the works. We're going to take a day off this summer and head to the roller coaster capital of the world to ride the Top Thrill Dragster. Leave your kids, baggage and inhibitions at home and plan to get crazy with us in June.

COMING SOON!

the greatest post ever written. I think it will be here tomorrow.