Merry Wintertime Holiday Season to All

Hi internet friends. I hope you're all having a nice holiday timeframe. We had a lovely dinner and drinks at my mother and father in law's house last night and saw santa claus and took a million pictures and videos and exchanged gifts and had a great time. This morning we had a fantastic brunch at the wondercouple's house, took a few more pictures and videos drank some more alcohol and I rearranged the Merry Christmas blocks on the fireplace to say "Hire My Ass". This was also a very good time and now that we're home relaxing I thought I'd say hi to my internet friends and write a few letters a la the lovely Sarah. So here you go.

Dear Playskool,
Thank you for being an "educational" company that misspells skool. Good work on that.

Dear Tonka,
Thank you for making the awesomest bulldozer ever and for keeping my son from being a whiny biatch for like 45 whole min.

Dear Mattel,
Shake-N-Go Racers tm are awesome, your packaging however, is not. Thank you for the 4 lacerations, 3 broken eardrums, 2 minor eye abrasions and the anal tear. Maybe you don't have kids but when it takes 37 hours to get the Racers out of the package, kids get all kinds of effing crazy. Stop with the goddamned razor wire twist ties already. Jesus H Christ.


Dear Home Depot/Toys R Us assembly instruction writer,
Blow me.


That's all for now, thanks for reading the blog this year. It's almost been one whole year since I started. I know the quality isn't always there but at least the quantity isn't there either so even though the stuff I write sucks it lately at least I don't write that often.

Merry Christmas,
-JMan

Ripping off Virgil

Johnny Virgil has some funny searches that have landed people on his site. His commentary about them is equally funny if not funnier. I don't have any commentary but holy crap people get to my blog with some effed up searches. I mean #1 is just sacriligious and #8 I can't even count the number of things I've lost up there.

Not 100% truthful advertising

I recently bought a shirt made by a company called Under Armour tm. They always show the shirts in thier ads without a person but as if a very fit body were in it. I assumed this was because when you wore the Under Armour that's how you would look. That's what made me buy it.



Unfortunately when I got it and tried it on it didn't look exactly like the ads. I mean I still look totally hot but just not as good as the hardbody they advertise. I took a picture of me in my new Under Armour just to show you how well it works.

5 Weird Habits

I got tagged by Mel. First like the normal way then from behind. Wait that was something different..... um she just wanted me to tell you about 5 weird habits I have.

1. I eat all of each individual item on my plate before I move to the next item usually in the reverse order of how much I like each item. So I eat all my french fries then my quarter pounder or all my salad then all my vegetables then my steak then my mashed potatoes and gravy.
2. The first thing I do when I enter my own house every night is wash my hands. I also wash my hands like 1000 times a day, and I generally will wash my hands when I go to somebody else's house within a few minutes of being there.
3. I have a clean nostril obsession. Which means I twist up toilet paper and kleenex and shove it up in there to get any possible grossness out. I know that's supposed to be not healthy or something but I hate thinking there might be something in my nose.
4. I rinse/wash every glass I take out of a cupboard before I will use it. I do this for other people too.
5. I turn each sock inside out and shake out and pull off any lint/possible toejam fodder before I put the sock on.

I really have some OCD issues. It's almost uncomfortable to be forced to think about all of my them. I could have made a list of 20 weird things but they all would've sounded similar.

I tag - Danielle, Sarah, Scott, Toren and Carly. Don't bitch about me tagging you because you know you liked it.

Shit covered tinsel

There aren't a lot of things that just completely and thoroughly disgust me. I've got a pretty strong stomach and general overall constitution but I now must disabuse you of one misconception. The misconception that I am a fan of poop. Although I talk a lot about poop, you will notice that most of the discussion centers around ridding myself of the existence of feces, the odor of feces and the overall general disgustingness of feces. My inventions are all feces/feces odor eliminators. Animals, on the other hand, love the feces. They dig in it, roll in it, eat it and play with it. This is why I hate pets. Yeah dogs are awesome. Dogs also lick their anuses and then your face. Dog people are cool with that. I'm not. Maybe you're a cat person well here's why I'm not.

1. People with cats smell like they have cats. Now the ocd readers who have cats are saying "no I keep the litterbox spotless" or "no I built a special room for the cats to shit in" or "no my litterbox is motorized and cleans itself 30 seconds after the cat soils." Trust me I know all this stuff because I was you a year ago. And while some are certainly better than others, cats stink up your house and you.

2. Cats piss on your stuff. "Not my cat" really just means "Not yet mine hasn't" Your cat will piss on something you really like someday. I hope you enjoy it. I don't.

3. Cats puke up living spaghetti. Yeah. This made me almost puke. My cat had a tapeworm and puked the whole thing up on the fireplace hearth one day. It was still moving and it looked like a plate of spaghetti. This is almost the most disgusting thing ever. If it weren't for the final straw and the final reason I won't ever have a cat again. Reason #4.

4. Cats eat tinsel. Tinsel is basically shiny string. Why a cat would eat the fucking stuff is beyond me but cats are retarded and cats eat shit from their own anuses so psychoanalysing a cat is futile. Merely eating the tinsel however isn't really what I take issue with. Where I have a problem is when a cat who has recently partaken of this shiny metal treat takes a poop but only about 30% of the length of the tinsel leaves the colonand it DOESN'T BREAK! So kitty drags his newfound shit covered tinsel tail around the house until yours truly either a.) finds it on an object that is has snagged on or b.) extracts it manually.

Well guess what I'm not doing this Christmas. Sorry kitties. I hope you're doing well.

What have I been doing?

A lot of time has passed since my last blog post. I've matured. I've grown to realize there's more to life than making fun of the handicapped. There's more to talk about than poop. I've grown up. I've changed for the better. I've been out campaigning for retard levies. I've been trying to help the blacks shake off the opression of "the man" and I've been spending a great deal of time doing the following.

1. Losing at online poker.
2. Losing at fantasy football.
3. Losing at losing weight.
4. Wiping
5. Surfing porn
6. Not sleeping
7. Sharda
8. Secretly not doing what I'm supposed to not be doing at work and secretly not talking to the people I'm not supposed to be talking to.
9. Steph
10. Your mom

I know I know, that's a lot of stuff and it's hard to believe I'm able to accomplish it all. Well some of it happens while I'm asleep. 7 and 9 come to mind for example. A lot of people were hoping I'd include 10 on that but no. I am in fact spending a lot of time doing your moms.

I'm open to suggestions for new wiping techniques. I really think I need to give up premoistened wipes. While I firmly believe my anus is as clean as they come, I am beginning to think that's not really how your anus was intended to be maintained.

Also on that front, or rear as it were, I sometimes wipe after a bad poop and like after 2 or 3 wipes I will perform a blanket wipe to zero in on problem areas. This is not a normally occurring thing but it's disturbing when it occurs. The general gist of it is I pretty much focus right on the centerhole. Like J. Geils used to say "na na nana nana Anus is the Centerhole". Anyway if you wipe like me you realize that the area requiring maintenance is usually a pretty focused region but every once in a while I stick the paper down there after a pass I observe streaking in an area of the paper that shouldn't be soiled. It's disheartening. Generally for me this means it's time to get in the shower because I don't think toilet paper is really going to do justice back there.

Ok well that whole paragraph was pretty disgusting and you guys are starting to think "I thought earlier in this post he said there was more to talk about than poop." Well you're wrong. Scroll up and reread what I said. Ok you were right that is what I said but I'm only human.

Apparently some blogger died or something. I hope Keira Knightly doesn't get real mad about my blog and then come to my house to try to kill me with sweet love. That would be a horrible way to go.*

*that's reverse psychology. Secretly I do want Keira Knightly to try to kill me with love overload. Shhhhh.

Allright my biatches. Peace out. Happy Birthday Sarah and Danielle and Scott pretty soon and Wayne and Leah. Thanks for inviting me over for braised lamb, Cheesecakepot.

Shop Dung's 1st annual Blogfest 2006 is in the works. We're going to take a day off this summer and head to the roller coaster capital of the world to ride the Top Thrill Dragster. Leave your kids, baggage and inhibitions at home and plan to get crazy with us in June.

COMING SOON!

the greatest post ever written. I think it will be here tomorrow.

back lotionerizer?

How to apply body lotion to your back when no one is around to help you?
You love the feel of a body lotion or bath gel, and now you won’t have to be a contortionist to smooth it on your back by yourself! Simply fill the long-reach applicator with your favorite lotion, and gently “massage” the 19 floating “lotion-lubricated” balls all over your back.
Does anyone see an issue with that ad? I'll tell you what's wrong. That milf in the picture doesn't need the self lotion applicator. She definitely won't have any problem finding a guy to "rub lotion lubricated balls all over her back." They probably should have used this chick if they really want to sell it.

Jesse Jackson can suck my oversized nuts

Can somebody please explain to me why "the reverend" Jesse Jackson ever gets a public forum to voice his political cancer? Goddammit this fucking douche is such a fuckwit assclown. Hey Jesse, how about you support something useful and stop fucking random whores and then supporting them with the money you steal from the non-profits you promote. Nobody gives a flying fuck about your opinion of the Terrell Owens suspension. He's a big boy, and the Philadelphia Eagles are pretty familiar with the everyday issues of running a professional football team. Your arguments on why the suspension is too harsh are priceless I will give you that. Yes a guy who beats his wife and does crack is a bad person who probably should receive a worse suspension than a guy who rots his entire team from the inside out like colon cancer. Yes Terrell Owens is a total douche and a flaming pile of anus cancer and I for one hope the guy never plays football again because he just doesn't fucking get it and anyone who comes out in public support of the guy is an asswipe too. Period. If you think Terrell Owens got a raw deal you're an idiot. If you support Terrell Owens right to say whatever he wants to, I agree with you so long as you support the Philadelphia Eagles right to bench his ass without pay for as long as they feel like it. When his "contract" ends then I say he can do what he wants to. Until then he can sit and not get paid for as long as the Eagles want him to. That's what should happen.

an ode to internet porn - on the eve of my birthday

when you see girls
are you like me?
do feel funny
where you pee?

you rub the thing
that pleases you
and from that place
comes pleasure stew

now that you're done
and things subside
you go to bed
and soil your side

I fixed Johnny V's perfect woman for him

Vegas, Doritos and Hold'em

Well I've missed you guys. Here's the lowdown.

• I made it home safely from my first trip to Vegas.
• I won $750 in a $65-32 player Hold'em tournament at Luxor.
• The founder of the company whose software I was there to see sent me his conference badge in a DHL Express overnight pack because I asked him to. AWESOME!
• I heard some Usher song and some Nickelback song at least 10,000 times while I was there.
• I had 4 women in my hotel room bed the second night I was there.
• Each of those 4 women thinks I'm retarded for a different reason
• I just had some new "better tasting" "Nacho Cheesier" Doritos and they're not good.
• I have pictures of my amazing room at the hotel in Vegas. Holy crap it was awesome.
• I'm becoming more libertarian, objectivist, and atheist every day if that's possible.
  
• Sarah said that everything is black and white to me. I think that's the most accurate thing anyone has ever said about me.
• Sarah's sister and roommates had a fantastic Halloween party on the day I returned from Vegas. I got severely hammered and paid Diane to make out with my wife, took pictures of Kim's and Sarah's racks, tried to take pictures up Sarah's skirt and got ridden by Scott dressed as Barb Wire.
• I took a hot picture of Sarah and The Master Hor as well.

I hope you are all doing well. I'm back in the blog saddle. I will be around to make fun of all your posts soon enough. Peace out motherbitches. I think some hot girls should send me their underthings like I'm a rockstar. You know like girls throw stuff on stage. Or even better, I think you should send me pictures of "Shop Dungarees" painted on your bodies. Yeah, do that. Send me some pictures.
jmanpain@hotmail.com

Shop Dunctionary - A guide for the Shop Dungs reader

I'm heading to Vegas and so in my absence I leave you with this. A reference guide for Shop Dungs. Definitions for the inane language used here.

assclown - one who in every attempt to be funny always ends up being a complete a-hole
asspirate - one who plunders the ass of another without commission from it's rightful owner
asswipe - one who is equal in value to that with which one would wipe one's ass
premoistened wipe (PMW) - the single greatest invention of our generation
douche - every moron that does something you can't stand and who makes you want to punch them in the neck
weenjammer - a complete and total douche who tries to be cool but ends up just sucking total bag
D.O.O.D.U - the distributed odor displacement unit. One of my greatest inventions.
Shop Dungarees - the most awesome pair of pants you will ever own
jerkwad - the wad resulting from a furious jerking or a person equivalent to same
jerkass - just click on the word
hor - Sarah or Danielle or any of their friends
hot spare - a really smokin' chick that can stand in at a moment's notice when one of our female lunch crew is unavailable
hot spares - an extra pair of Big Yank underpants you keep in your car for the in the hopefully rare yet horrible event that you shart or completely shit in your pants at work
gapestry - a length of toilet paper hung from the top of the stall used to cover up the gap next to the door
hard charger - an overzealous achiever of position usually regarding elevator entry
monkey puncher - somebody who is stupid enough or computer illiterate enough to actually attempt to punch the monkey on one of those stupid pop up ad banners that has the monkey sliding back and forth.
monkey punching douche - somebody who totally hoses your computer every time they touch it.

So there you have it. You're now armed with my vocabulary to go out and conquer the world with. Good luck. Enjoy.

more bugs

spiders creep me out pretty bad. I've been working on cleaning and painting my garage and putting epoxy on the floor. I will post some before and after pics here soon. However, this post is about all the gross stuff that was living in my garage. While dusting out all the cobwebs, I must've hit a little nest of baby spiders or something because these little red spider looking bastards fell on me and bit me a few times. They were tiny but I could feel where they bit me for a long time. It kinda burned and then itched after awhile. As I continued the cleanup effort, I saw a pretty creepy looking spider come up from the floor between the concrete of the floor and the concrete of the poured wall. I remember reading or hearing one time that if a bug isn't camoflauged it's because it's poisonous. Well this spider was just dingy brown all over except its abdomen was bright white. I smashed it because I thought it was a brown recluse and I didn't feel like having big chunks of my flesh die from his bite. I think after doing a little research though that it was a woodlouse spider. He looked like this.



The next night after that we had this insane midge invasion. The entire front of my house was covered with them. They were talking about them on the news but the worst was my garage. The ceiling in my garage is white but when the midges came there were so many it was basically black. I fog bombed them and woke up to this in the morning.


today was the final day of painting and for the most part the garage was free of bugs and general grossness but as I was finishing painting one wall I looked down and saw this.

That big hairy ugly bastard is a wolf spider. It's called that because it eats small children. Maybe not but jesus christ enough with the bugs. ehkkk. I can't tell you how many times during this crap I've brushed against an inanimate object and totally freaked out swatting at it.

I think if you click on the pictures you can see the full size images. The first spider picture is one I found on the internet because I squished him before I could get a picture. The other 2 pics are ones I took. I got pretty close to that wolf spider to take that picture. Close enough that I can't really sleep right now.

everything stinks

not figuratively but literally. Downtown Cleveland is really starting to smell like Bourbon Street in N.O. Entering the building I work in, if you come in the North side it smells like somebody tried to cure their diarrhea by lighting their anus on fire. If you come in from the West, well it's slightly better. From the West side it just smells like pee. Actually I guess like somebody peed on the guy who lit his anus on fire maybe. I don't know. It's not good whatever it is. Why does everything have to stink so bad? Gosh dammit it's horrible.

Anyway this morning while I was doing the coin toss to determine whether the burning ass or pee entrance was going to be my gateway to paradise today, I started across the street before I realized the don't walk sign guy was flashing red. So I knew I wasn't going to make it to the other side at my current pace before the light turned green. I broke into the classic half-assed 'I don't want to seem like I'm running' run to get the eff out of the way and it occurred to me that this was a sort of personality test. You see there are 2 types of people in the world and you can categorize them by their answer to this question. Decide which one you are and then scroll down to see how closely it matches your personality type (I did it, it's kinda scary how true it is).

When you're in a crosswalk and the light starts flashing or god forbid the opposing traffic light turns green do you a.) make some effort to get out of the roadway more quickly or b.) keep walking at the same pace you were walking at all along because 'hey the cars are stopped and they're not going to run me over'? Choose whether you're person a or person b then scroll.

















If you are person a, you are likely a reasonable and logical person who values his or her time enough to understand that other peoples' time is also valuable and as such is willing to inconvenience themselves slightly for the greater good of following some guideline for conduct.

If you are person b, well, I fucking hate you.

first the wife now the fortune cookie

even my effing fortune cookie has to make a crack about my tiny wang
eff you fortune cookie

Shop Dungar-bees

My house is infested with bees. Mostly they're harmless. They're really lethargic and they just come into the house and die for the most part. But some of these bees are total bitches and today they finally crossed the line. To this I say fuck bees*. I hate bees so much. Some people are all "if you leave them alone they will leave you alone." I left them alone, they bored through the concrete in the front of my house and started pissing me off. Therefore I declared a jihad on bees. I won.


Exhibit A - the bees (the lighter colored stuff is not dust or dirt, it's bees covered with Sevin)


Exhibit B - The shop vac a.k.a the bees' collective grave. (the entire bottom of the shop vac is bees about an inch and a half thick.)



* - I should make an editorial comment in case some joker comes along to tell me what I already know. These are in fact not bees. They are wasps, specifically yellow jackets. The one key difference from my perspective is wasps can sting your ass many times. This "if I sting you I die" concept is the main deterrent for bees. Not so for wasps. That's why wasps suck. But saying fuck wasps just isn't as funny.

Eat a cock Reverend Tom

You rat bastard. This is my url. I moved you to weenreverend.blogspot.com you buttpirate.

my hizzos

(there's more where these came from)


the bonfire - I took this picture with my fans while I was hammered



I Probably Hate You - Shop Dungs - Okay Seriously