Shop Dungarees

IPhone

2011-12-17T20:48:00.001-05:00

I got an iPhone and I was wondering if anyone still reads blogs. I mean I realize it's not 2003 anymore and I haven't actively posted on a blog since about 2007 but is it still cool? I have to think nobody even remembers what a blog is. Christmas ale is good.

Remember me?

2011-03-30T21:00:00.001-04:00

I remember me. I used to be so funny.

Vegas Here I Come

2008-10-22T22:59:00.001-04:00

I am heading to Vegas once again. As I wisely predicted in the post from September of last year, I am going for work this time. The nice part of that is twofold, free room, free food and drinks. The kind of bad part is that I will be in meetings from 8-4:30 every day and probably have plans for the evening on 3 of the 5 days I will be there. If you're heading to vegas next week let me know dog.

Working my way back to you

2008-10-22T00:01:00.005-04:00

So it's pretty late but I just wanted to say 3 people mentioned my blog and how it hasn't been updated for a long time to me today. Nobody has mentioned it for a long time so I thought maybe I'd come back for a visit. Anyway I read through a few old posts and comments for some historical motivation. Like one of the first 10 posts I ever wrote about Lance snacks had a link to some other guy's website and he didn't seem to appreciate it. Doesn't matter because I'm going to do it again right here in this post. Apparently I had a hyperlink that drove some traffic to his site to see a picture of crazy willie. He didn't take kindly to my "Bandwidth Theft" Regardless I do love the guy's moxie for changing the picture I linked to to this.

I love the internet.
I really am a douche who steals bandwidth and here I am doing it again to you nearly 4 years later.

Mom's Email

2008-01-10T18:39:00.000-05:00

Mom: Can you get on that computer and help me check the email?
John: Yes
Mom: I haven't checked it. There might be something in there.
John: Ok

results: see below

Merry Christmas

2007-12-10T19:24:00.000-05:00

Hope you all have a great holiday season. I miss you blogfriends.

What the hell happened?

2007-09-12T20:42:00.000-04:00

I was supposed to own Vegas. I was supposed to own that biatch. What the hell happened? I got there at 9:40 PM. I stayed awake until 4 AM Vegas time which is 8 AM Cleveland time. It was on. I was in the groove. I can't remember anything from that first night except that my body was crying out for sleep when I boarded the tram at the Luxor at 4:13 AM headed back to the MGM Grand alone. Keith, Jeff, Russ, Boyle et al were still giving it a go I think. Dan had been asleep back at the room since about midnight. Down $100 but worse, down his Vegas spirit. Something he'd never get back for the rest of the trip.

Vegas is your master when you're there. Don't mess with the juju, don't fuck up the mojo, when Joe at MGM tells you to double down you damn well better double down. Fucking Teddy over at New York New York I have one last thing to say to you, fuck you for letting me bust against your 6. I was drunk, and sleepy when I hit that 13, I didn't know you had a 6 showing, I barely knew where my pants were. You dickhead.

I really don't know much about what happened on what days. I do know that when I woke up Friday morning, I was sick like somebody poisoned me. 2 bottled waters and a cup of coffee later and I was recovering in the shade at the pool. I was ready to get back to the game. I don't remember if I was up or down but I'm pretty sure I was down. We were supposed to meet at Excalibur for the 9 AM poker tournament but I didn't even get out of bed until about 11 I think. We did make it down to the 1 PM tournament. There were 8 of us there for Keith's bachelor party, and 7 of us made it into the tournament. Steve made it in time to watch a little bit of it. I gathered from Steve's appearance that he was probably up until about 6 AM the night before.

The tournament was good to Jim and I and we made it to the final 4 of about 65 or so entrants. In that final four, we came to the mutual agreement to split the pot evenly. $367 smackers, and I was back up. I survived that day up I think. I went to bed pretty early Friday night on account of the way I felt Friday morning. Obviously by pretty early I mean about 3 AM.

By Saturday morning, my Little Caesar's pizza count was up to 4, my bankroll was decent, but my stomach, feet and head hurt like each one had been stabbed repeatedly. We were supposed to go to the Burger Bar for lunch which most of the group did but Dan and I entered another poker tournament and didn't have time to eat there. We did have time to hit Little Caesar's though. Score 5 for Caesar. We weren't so lucky this time in the tournament. We bailed on that, played some random crap, and then eventually I met up with Keith and headed down the strip hitting New York New York where I met Teddy from above, who ended up dealing me cards good enough to put me up $60 on his table but effed me on the 13 against his 16 and that was enough for Keith and I to walk away.

We made it as far as Monte Carlo where we met Ming. Ming fucked us but not the good way. Ming dealt me a pair of 8's against her 6 on the hand that I declared as my final hand. I had about $62 out. I obviously split them and I obviously got another 8. Which I split and got a 3 which I obviously doubled down. $248 on one hand if anyone is counting. Mother effer. Ming turned a 10 and I was ready to celebrate, but just as I started to dance she flipped over a 5 and I cried. I lost my 2 18's and 1 20 against her 21 and my "winnings" were now gone. I pushed back from the table and declared "Ming, I thought you and I were going to get along famously, I thought we'd be great friends who could spend hours together but now I realize that you are the devil. Good day to you." Ming laughed at me. Ming is a whore.

Note to self, stop playing at tables with just Keith. I lost every time that was the case.

And so with my reckless several hundred dollar loss, I proceeded to head down to CVS and get a bag of Salt and Vinegar Dan Dee potato chips to ease my troubled mind. I also got a $35 cash advance on that purchase. Or maybe I didn't because the dumb girl wouldn't give it to me because I used my Visa so I had to purchase a pack of gum with my debit card in order to score the cash advance. Leaving CVS up $35 must've been just the mojo I needed to turn my luck around. Keith and I made it back through NY NY just in time to spot Jay Leno doing his Vegas Has Talent skit and then scooted to the MGM just in time to hook back up with the crew. I sat down at a $10 table with Keith, Steve, Boyle and Jeff. Steve and I tore that table a new one while Keith Jeff and Boyle received 2 aholes apiece. Keith hit the ATM and returned. I moved to 3rd base and at that point Keith, Steve and I proceeded to go on the kind of roll legends are made of.

It was at this point that I made a mental note to myself to always gamble with Steve. I had only been at 2 tables with Steve and at those 2 I was up about $360. The problem at this point was that I had played a plethora of tables where Steve was notably absent and those tables had left me nursing a new anus as well.

Sunday was mostly NFL Sunday where I proceeded to watch the Steelers do to the Browns what the non-Steve blackjack tables had done to me. I lost 2 bets that I put on the Browns. Another loss I attribute to Keith since I just didn't feel like listening to him bitch about me betting on the Steelers which I definitely would have if I were there alone. Yeah I said it, I bet on the Steelers agains the Browns unless Keith is there. Guess what too, I learned that Steve was a Steelers fan that morning. I should've known.

Sunday during the game I left and told the boys I had to go check out of the hotel, but instead I got sidetracked by Robert Deniro's son giving a craps lesson. Maybe it wasn't Deniro's kid but he definitely talked like he was from the Bronx and he was awesome. If you have the chance to get to Vegas you definitely have to hit NY NY some morning at 11 AM just to see the Craps lesson. It's worth it. I dumped $40 on craps once I was satisfied that I was now an expert and that was enough to put a lid on my betting. We rode out the day watching football, checking fantasy football stats and eating mini corn dogs obviously.

Keith mentioned to me that he'd figured out how to get the most out of Vegas and now wished he could call a redo on the trip. I told him to write himself a letter and to read it the next time he planned to hit the Veg.

I got my fill for a little while. It will be at least 3 or 4 days before I start thinking about planning another trip. I think I'm probably going to get there next October for work, who's with me.

-JMAN

Heading to Vegas

2007-09-06T00:20:00.000-04:00

I'm off to Vegas tomorrow. I will be there for 3 days. I will own that biatch by the time I come back or at least I will have some sweet stories to tell you. This is a baby step to me getting back to the blog. I know you ladies missed me. That includes my wife who reads this and shakes her head from time to time. So get ready bitches my point fives are already packed.

yeah I'm bloggin

2007-05-22T22:13:00.000-04:00

Muhammad Ali's daughter sounds like a dude but she has a pretty sweet rack so I'll overlook it. Plus what the hell is she punching in this picture.

That's gross. Stick to dancing with lowcut tops Laila.

Jordin Sparks is really effing good. She'll probably lose because the general population is retarded but holy crap she's good. Almost as good as your mom was last night.

I'm kinda fat lately, I'm about to kick it up a notch exercise wise because right now I feel like this when I'm putting on my pants in the morning.

Enjoy your bluncheon.
-JMan

Ah Christ

2007-04-16T22:24:00.000-04:00

Now we have to listen to the glorification of some effing douche for 3 weeks. I'm sure Scott will be dragged out of hibernation by this effing disaster. I have 3 observations.

NBC will have 23 news programs in a row that cover "The Massacre at Virginia Tech"
The phrase "The Largest Single Act of Gun Violence in US History" will only make some other effing pussy go out and try to shoot more people.
Imus doesn't seem newsworthy now, nor does his "crime" seem even worth mentioning.

Goddammit I don't want to have to hear about this piece of shit for the next 10 days. God I hate our effing shitty media coverage of every piece of shit thing that happens in our country.

Son of a bitch. I'm sorry about the people that died at Virginia Tech but NBC might as well apologize for the next shooting spree that's inevitable because of their shitty glorified coverage.

Fuck the "Largest single act of gun violence in US history" The media in our country continuously commits the largest single act of conscious fucking stupidity every time something bad happens. Effing a-holes.

Here's how the story should be told by every single media outlet.

"Nameless, faceless pussy shoots several random people instead of dealing with anger like a reasonable person." - BLACKSBURG, Va. - Some douche shot a lot of random people today probably because that person couldn't handle being broken up with. Every person we inteviewed who knew the assailant agreed that this person seemed like the kind of douche that would just snap one day and shoot a bunch of people. You can add this person to the list of other nameless faceless morons that did similar things previously each one less notable than the previous.

Now this is happening

2007-03-06T20:54:00.000-05:00

Work kinda blows. I'm going to drink these.

My new job

2007-02-07T22:29:00.000-05:00

Sarah was crying out for better greeting cards. Since work stinks I decided I'd give writing greeting cards a go. These are the cream of the crop friends.

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What's more pale, you or my butt?

2007-01-29T09:31:00.000-05:00

I sent this to Jim Gaffigan through his myspace page.

Dear Jim,

My friends and I would like to hang out with you before the show in Lakewood OH. Have your people call my people. And by my people I mean just call me I guess because I don't have any people unless you count Sarah and Danielle. We will be at Diane and Drew's house in Lakewood. I will be legendary if I can make this happen. Even if you're only there for 10 minutes, it will be long enough for them to realize that I am awesome and for you to realize that we are losers. We're all roughly the same age as you although you have less hair. My friend Chris is whiter than you even though he's black. Sarah will try to make out with you, I will tell your wife that it was all her though so you won't get in trouble. Danielle will definitely try to give you vodka, it could make the show easier if you have some of that. My wife Leah will definitely make out with you if Danielle gets to her first with that vodka. I sure hope you can stop by even just for a quick Three Cheese and Chicken Quesadilla Hot Pocket Tm. Let me know what time you can come.

-John

Shameless Plug

2007-01-26T18:47:00.000-05:00

I'm not usually a shamless blog plugging whore especially in a blog entry but my good friend Dale has a new site to display his photography. I enjoyed it and I know he'd appreciate any feedback from any of you fellow blogfolk if you're so incline. I'll be back shortly with a drunk post about ass shaving, guns, fire and disposable swim pants soon.
-John

Shavin' a hair butt....2 bits

2007-01-15T21:18:00.000-05:00

Ok so you voted for bleached ass, however the actual teaser was "Don't shave your butt (or bleach it)" Luckily for you my loyal readers I have both bleached and shaved my butt so your vote was not wasted.

I suppose most people when you think of shaving your butt would imagine hair removal from the cheeks, likewise I'd guess when people hear "bleached ass" they probably think of bleaching the hair or the dark colored skin around the anus. I guess this is big in Hollywood these days. People in Hollywood are weirdos.

Since I'm obviously not some hollywood freakshow I did not shave my cheeks or bleach my anus, I bleached my cheeks and shaved my anus and these are obviously both completely normal. These two "experiments" occurred roughly 25 years apart.

The bleaching as I recall really isn't that much of a story. Probably about a year ago I sat on something that wasn't up to my standards of cleanliness while I wasn't wearing pants. I don't exactly recall the circumstances. I'm pretty sure Sarah does, however so maybe she'll mention it in the comments section. Anyway, I was concerned that there might be some residual germs or whatever on my cheeks so I decided to scrub them with Softscrub with bleach to ensure their cleanliness. I have some germ/cleanliness issues. I'm pretty sure it's not a good idea to Softscrub your ass cheeks but it gave me the necessary peace of mind to sleep that night.

The butthole shaving is a whole different kind of story. This one unlike the cheek bleaching is the direct result of my germ/cleanliness issues. As a young lad back in the pre-premoistened wipes days I struggled with the idea that a person was expected to poop and then drag a dry sheet of toilet tissue through their hairy ass and call it clean. This was especially troubling since the hair on my ass was a fairly recent acquisition. No I didn't get an anus hair transplant, I was a young lad I said. Hair just started growing in places. Anyway, I decided that it was a stupid design -the putting of hair on my butthole- so I took matters into my own hands, and by matters I mean an old school Gillette Twin Blade.

I fixed the problem but there was an unfortunate side effect. See I think about the time you start growin' hair in weird places you also start sweating in those same places. The hair actually acts as a sort of separator that allows the cooling drying air to pass freely through the region. What I had imagined would be a luxuriously clean and comfortable buttcrack became a slickery mess of sweaty gliding cheeks. The only thing worse than wiping a hairy ass with dry paper is the feeling of never having completely wiped that goes along with a silky smooth sweaty b-crack. It was ill-advised.

So there you have it, I shaved my butthole one time. That's a number that I can assure you will never change.

Stories on tap

2007-01-12T21:47:00.000-05:00

I got some stories to blog for you guys. I decided to make a list of a handful of these stories and then let you guys vote. Then I will post the story that receives the most votes. Then either I will make a new list and we'll vote again or I'll just go in descending order of votes. Here's the list.

Corn in the tub (thanks to Hugh Janus)
Don't shave your butt (or bleach it)
Let's play guns
Playing football with Mr. Glass
Keithus Christ wins the least splash contest
Sweating to the oldies with Dan and Keith in a half bath

Vote it up bitches.

Holy Crap

2007-01-02T00:59:00.000-05:00

The Boise State vs Oklahoma Fiesta Bowl was the greatest football game I've ever watched. What a fantastic ending to a fantastic game. I'm so glad Boise State finished their season undefeated once again begging college football for something better than the shitpiece BCS popularity contest. Way to go Boise State I knew you had it in you.

Merry Christmas

2006-12-20T21:37:00.000-05:00

Here's some old Christmas photos I came across while going through photo albums at my mom and dad's for the last few weeks.

30 years ago I looked good.

Yes that's a Sit-n-Spin. Eff you cheesecakehor. Also I apparently got a shark which I have been saving for Hor-K-Seriously

I had a Fisher Price House and awesome bedhead in '73.

Here's one of me and my 2 older brothers. Apparently haircuts were optional in '73.

Nothing I write could do this justice

2006-12-10T14:12:00.000-05:00

Maybe a blog isn't the best place for this but it's what I have and I've been wanting to write this for awhile. A month ago today I turned 35 and without a doubt it was the worst birthday of my life. It was a Friday, it was unseasonably warm, and as I remember it was a really nice day which is unusual for my birthday. Unfortunately on my 35th birthday I hugged my dad for the last time. For the first time ever he didn't hug me back and it was the worst feeling in the world.

My dad died November 8th while driving with my mom to a meeting at the church and on my birthday we were at the funeral home planning the service. I got to see my dad and hug him one last time and in that instant I was 7 years old again. That's the last time I would get to see him. I know it's cliche' but he really was the greatest man I ever met. He was humble but confident, gentle but strong, uneducated but brilliant. There are so many things I could say about my dad and I know what I write here won't do him justice but I need to put it in writing for therapeutic reasons. I also wanted to write it down somewhere so that I can look back at it when I need to.

Here's what I will miss the most.

My parents have lived in the same house since I was 4 years old. As long as I can remember, I could show up there anytime anyday and my dad would be sitting at the kitchen table reading. I want him to be there now so badly it really makes me physically ill when I allow myself to understand that he will never be there again.
I got my dad his first computer 5 years ago. Since that day he's never ceased to amaze me with his ability to use it. He burned CD's, scanned all of our family photos, completed an electonic version of our family tree back 4 or 5 generations before him and figured out and understood things even I didn't know. But why this one hurts so bad is that practically every day I talked to him on AOL instant messenger. When I allow myself to understand that he will never be on the other end of that chat window, it makes me physically sick with grief.
His love of my mom
His love of my brothers and me and our families
His love of his grandchildren
His love of our extended family and friends
His love of music

If you knew my dad you would've loved him. He was funny, sincere honest and good. So many people owed him so much, not in money but in ways that can never be calculated. He and my mom provided a home for someone other than me and my 2 brothers for their first 25 years of marriage. They spent their first 25 years of marriage fully supporting somebody other than their own children!

He and his mom built the first house they actually owned from the time he was 13 until he was 15. He worked during that same period of time as a laborer for a brick mason. He supported his mom and siblings because his dad was too sick to do it and eventually became a gifted bricklayer whose work is still viewable practically everywhere you look in my hometown.

He sent me to college knowing we couldn't afford it but knowing he couldn't afford not to. He couldn't pay for it all but he paid enough to get me where I needed him to.

My dad wasn't without faults, but he was aware of those faults and spent a lifetime trying to overcome them and to help his sons learn from his mistakes. He was proud of all 3 of us and his legacy lives on through us. You may not have been fortunate enough to know my dad but if you know me, you know what he stood for.

Fortunately or unfortunately my dad had to face his mortality in the last few years in dealing with cancer, congestive heart failure(CHF) and the problems that arose from those things. He knew that he was kind of on borrowed time and that knowledge allowed him to open up in the last few years more than all the years before. I was fortunate that all of our chats ended with each telling the other we loved them and we said it every time we saw each other. I'd hate to have to deal with not having said I loved him on top of the unbearable grief of missing him. In the end he beat cancer, and he managed the CHF but the complications of those were more than his body could handle and man could it handle a lot. I know he was in pain and in some really miniscule way it makes it a little easier for me to know that he doesn't have to be in pain anymore.

I love you dad, I miss you more than you can possibly imagine. I hope I manage to do everything you ever thought I could or hoped I would and that I make you proud doing it.

-Jake

BFHX DAY BIRTH

2006-12-06T23:59:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday OKSS

I woke up this morning in a bathtub full of ice. A note in my hand read "look in the mirror." There, written backwards on my chest but now forward and readable in the mirror, were these words written in red lipstick "Douchebag, you got really wasted and we had to remove your liver to save it. Just kidding, ass." Holy crap honestly I couldn't even remember where my blog was. Maybe it was hanging out with my liver in a tub of ice. I'm not going to lie to you guys, I had a few gin and tonics saturday night at Sarah's birthday party and, well, they done me wrong. They treated me shitty. In short I got jobbed. What I did not do was puke. What I did do is drive a carload of people home at least 50% of which puked. Dammit that was a great party.

This is me in the women's restroom. This is normal for me when I'm donning a sweet sweet 70's porn 'stache.

This is me and horface trying to reproduce the profile shot but at the bar. My wife is in the back there looking pretty hot but making a weird cheese smile face and trying to sabotage my profile shot.

Today I should be hanging out all creepylike in the women's restroom or I should be a pizza delivery guy delivering a pizza "with sausage" to a bachelorette party and some awesome bow chikka bow bow music.

Highlights of the day:

Sarah being asked by her friends who've never met me "who is that guy with the mustache" and for real telling them "I have no idea."
Danielle inviting me to the ladies room for a photoshoot and spinoff party.
And the following conversation

Sharda: "where are we now?"
Danielle: "2 minutes from your house"
Sharda: "oh ok good"
John drives for 20 min
Sharda: "where are we now?"
Danielle: "2 minutes from your house"
Sharda: "oh ok good"

BFHX DAY 4

2006-12-02T14:14:00.000-05:00

BFHX DAY 4 really didn't leave many options and so I thought it might be a letdown. That is until I remembered I had an offsite today with my entire division. That in and of itself would have been enough to keep OKS laughing but then the most amazing thing ever happened. See the lone highlight of the day below to find out what happened.

The profile shot basically yesterday without the L's on the sides and with a much crazier look from Cheesecakehor.

Today I should be gay or marking people off my "list of people I've wronged" while I try to get Karma back on my side.

Highlights of the day:

While waiting for the elevator to leave the building to go meet Sarah for lunch, Danielle and I decided to try to avoid the crowd and use the executive elevators. Karma must have been on my side because the CEO, CFO, CIO et al were in the elevator we chose. I asked the CEO if the elevator was going down and then I asked him if it would even take us to the first floor. He said it might but the only way to know was if we got in and pushed the button for the 1st floor, if the light for 1 wouldn't stay lit to get the H out because it was going to take us back up. So we got out because it didn't stay lit and then I said "seems like it should take us down, we know insert_CEO_Name_Here" to which he replies the totally awesome "I AM insert_CEO_Name_Here and it doesn't work for me either"

Goddammit this couldn't have happened on a better day.

Tonight is OKSS's party. Tomorrow is the end. It was fun.

BFHX DAY 3

2006-11-30T23:22:00.000-05:00

BFHX DAY 3 is upon us. I went with the porkchop sideburns and doffed the V. The Chops were in perfect alignment with the lower mustache ends. It was a thing of beauty. While the ladies will miss the tickly V on the chin, the manliness more than makes up for it. Today people got out of my way when they saw me coming. This is one badass emeffer they thought to themselves as I approached. Then I ordered my Teriyaki chicken and the lady said "face is a scary but voice kinda like a schoolgirl." I stabbed her with my chopsticks and pointed to the porkchop sides as I whispered to her "don't mess with Texas." Ok I made most of that up.

The profile. I particularly enjoy the second and third chin here.

Today I should have been wearing a shirt that says "if you can read this, my bitch fell off."

Highlights of the day:

we worked so hard to make everything exactly the same in the pictures and they painted the entire fucking building yellow today. Compare the profile shot to yesterday's, nothing changed about the camera/lighting/location/etc. But they sure painted the whole goddamned floor yellow.
Sarah's reaction obviously, today I snuck up behind her in the chicken teriyaki line.
T-Ball didn't recognize me.

Tomorrow will complete the workweek. I have a whole division meeting to attend. I'll be the one sporting the sweet mustache my friend. Maybe with some flair but a mustache nonetheless.
Keep your panties on ladies, this mustachioed Don Juan is taken.

BFHX DAY 2

2006-11-29T21:40:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was BFHX day 2 but since I forgot I was not in the office today I took a day off of BFHX since OKS wouldn't get to see it if I changed anything. So luckily I forgot to take a picture yesterday but since it's the same today you get to see DAY 2/3 in all its glory. I call this one the Mutton Chopper V. In the first pic you get the full effect of the straight on frontal, however the real beauty of this guy is in the profile. Even I couldn't look in the mirror today without laughing.

The profile shot.

Today I can either star in a Jane Austen novel made for TV or fight a civil war for you. A good hat for today would have been a derby.

Highlights of today/yesterday:

Sarah's reaction obviously
the lady in the parking garage trying to hurry unsuccessfully to get the elevator to close before I could get in there with her.
Starbucks girl telling me that if I get down to just a mustache I will definitely look like a pedophile and that she would definitely laugh at me if she sees it.
My wife saying with disdain/disgust/disbelief "subtle, real subtle."

Not sure what tomorrow will bring besides maybe more sore stomach muscles for Sarah.

BFHX DAY 1

2006-11-27T22:50:00.000-05:00

Today was day 1 of Birthday Facial Hair Christmas. Okayseriously Sarah's reaction made this whole ridiculous thing worthwhile. I may post her reaction at some point but I'm not really sure I actually have permission. So without further ado, thanks to my photographer, Day 1 the sweet double groove.

I can either build you a customized chopper today or Trick your Truck*.

Highlights of day one:

obviously Sarah's reaction I could watch this on endless loop all day.
Karim just acting like I have this facial hair every day but asking "can you Pimp my Truck?" and
some guys we didn't know at another table at lunch today doing the "hey don't look right now but that dude sitting at the table behind you to the right has the gayest facial hair ever."
Cheesecake hor wanting to make a move on some hot guy at Starbucks but unfortunately having to stand there next to me looking like this.

* seriously the cast of Trick my Truck is like a living breathing BFHX plan.

Hiatus

2006-11-23T10:35:00.000-05:00

Obviously I haven't blogged in awhile, so I have a lot of really good stories and insightful commentary stored up. Ok not really. But Okay Seriously Sarah's birthday is coming and my gift for her is really a gift for all.

Sarah is turning 40 so obviously this is a tough period for her. What? 30? Oh ok she's turning 30, apparently that is rough too. I just turned 35 so 30 seems young to me but whatever.

Anyway, awhile back I grew a mustache for a guy at work's last day. He had a mustache so a few of us grew mustaches to make him feel loved. Maybe it was to make fun of mustaches. Anyway I looked like a total 70's porn star with mine and it was Sarah's favorite thing ever. So much so that she still has a picture of it on her phone. So for her birthday she asked if I would grow it again. That's all she wanted. But I did one better.

I grew a beard and starting next Monday, I will be shaving my facial hair into a different configuration for 5 days in a row leading up to her birthday where I will once again don that sweet 70's porn star 'stache.

For you guys it means that every day I will take a picture of the facial hair configuration and post it. Then we can all vote on which one I should make my standard.

Giant Pizza Rolls

2006-11-19T22:02:00.000-05:00

I invented Hot Pocket Sized Pizza Rolls they're so close.

Day before the triathlon

2006-08-26T17:25:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is my 3rd of 4 triathlons this year. I still haven't really figured out what to do the day before a triathlon. I don't know if I should do some sort of workout to stay loose or not workout to stay fresh. Either way I suck so it's not that big of a deal if I do the wrong thing. It's a matter of finishing in the bottom 1/3rd or the bottom 1/4th tomorrow. When I decided to do a triathlon early this year with Dan, Keith and Russ, I didn't realize that the one we were planning on doing was not a normal distance. It was a "super sprint" which means it's about half the distances of a sprint triathlon. A sprint is 1/4 mile swim, 16 mile bike and 5K run (3.1 mi). They don't really offer the "Super Sprint" at most triathlons. Those of you who know me in real life obviously know I don't look like I'm in any kind of shape to do any one of those normal sprint distances individually let alone one after the other on the same day, and you would be correct.

So putting the 3 together in one day results in pictures of me looking like I'm literally soiling myself. Ok ok Virgil, pictures of me actually soiling myself. Well for my internet friends who weren't on Johnny Virgil's mailing list, I thought it would only be fair of me to post the pictures here. These aren't the best pictures of me but they're certainly among the funniest and that's really what's important when you're posting pictures on a blog. So here you go bitches.

I'm questioning whether this was a good idea.

Here I'm actually kind of smiling because about 15 seconds before the picture I was pretty sure I had drowned.

I'm in a great deal of pain here on the bike but luckily you can't really see my face.

I'm looking solid here.

I just shit myself.

Just hangin' around

2006-08-24T20:19:00.000-04:00

Dear lady who holds all of her meetings in the hallway outside the men's room on the 6th floor,

a.) I have trouble peeing when I can hear you talking right outside the door. b.) yes I was in there that whole time today. From the time I walked past you and you said hi to me until the time I came out and you said hi to me again I was pooping. I would like to apologize for farting right before I walked out but I can't because your meeting-having-ass deserved it for loitering outside the men's room.

Sincerely,
Shop Dungs

Take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed

2006-08-22T21:31:00.000-04:00

When I was driving home tonight I saw a car that looked like it was pretty close to bursting into flames if it wasn't already on fire. The guy who was driving it minutes earlier was now standing out beside the car with the hood open (to provide more oxygen to the fire) scratching his head. He was giving it the old "let me take a look here and see if I can't put this fire out with a knowing stare". I started thinking about all the cars I've seen in this condition and all the guys and ladies I've seen standing there staring at the smoldering pile of crap and I figured out that they are always exactly the same car and exactly the same person give or take a few pounds and teeth.

Anyway this lady.

is always standing by this car.

and this guy

is always standing next to this car

It's always an '86 Caprice. C'mon guy if you go to the used car dealership and you buy an '86 Caprice, you're basically saying "I'd like a car that's going to overheat and burst into flames pretty soon on my way to work." and then the salesman is like "oh.... I have a nice '86 Caprice over here." Dammit guy. If you only have $250 for a car get the Corolla with 200k miles on it.

Not sure what gives

2006-08-20T21:31:00.000-04:00

I just have nothing to write in the blog ever. I sometimes tell Virgil stories about my youth while we're chatting on the instant messenger and then I think I will write about it in the blog and then I never do. Sarah and I also come up with some great idea like "No Shirt Mondays" for my blog at lunch all the time but I never end up putting the ideas to use. I've also thought about seeing how many different facial hair styles I could post pictures of in a month or something.

What I'm saying friends is I'm basically a useless pile of crap. But I'm going to rededicate myself to giving my fans what they come here for or what they used to come here for and that is basically me being totally effing sweet. I'm going to talk about poop, talk about growing up, talk about my balls, take some pictures of my ass sometime with the simple caption "do these match."

Basically what I'm saying is Shop D is getting back to the basics and I'm about to rock your goddamned faces off.

Here's a news story for you.
Doodies everywhere.

I wish I knew how to quit you

2006-07-25T00:39:00.000-04:00

I saw Brokeback Mountain tonight.
Man that was pretty gay.

I did my triathlon Sunday. I finished 47th out of 86 people. I did one last Sunday too. I'm practically a Triathlete. I might start doing triathlons every weekend. Might keep me in shape or get me in shape as the case may be. I'm kinda addicted to them in a way.

I wish I knew how to quit you, triathlons.

Henry Gale

2006-06-27T00:22:00.000-04:00

Yesterday morning I woke up to the repeating sound of a propane blowtorch or a jet car testing the burner or something to that effect. I've been in a hot air balloon once and the sound of the burner heating the air in the balloon is pretty unmistakeable however even though I was sure that's what I was hearing it literally sounded like it was happening inside my house. I heard my wife get up and open the sliding glass door to the backyard and then she came in and said "you gotta come here." I jumped up and we walked out the front door to this.

That's really a picture of my front yard on Sunday morning at 8:24 AM. This guy just dropped his hot air balloon (HAB) right on my front lawn. It was awesome. My kids both lost their minds.

The weather was really calm and apparently this was a perfect day for this guy to learn how to take off and land in a HAB and so he was just going up and down all over the county. Kinda like Okay Seriously Sarah and the Cheesecakehor but in a different way.

I asked him if I could take it for a ride but he was all "um, how would you get it back here" then I was like "click my heels bro, c'mon even a rookie should know that one"

Then he was like "allright creepy loser guy, I'll see you later."

Then I was like "ok see you later Henry Gale."

Anni-vas-ery

2006-06-15T00:16:00.000-04:00

Sarah celebrated her home ownership one year anniversary and it made me think "man I remember helping her move and my balls were real sore." Then I remembered I had them cut into around that time so I checked the blog archives and sure enough today is my 1 year vasectoversary. It's been a good year with no sperm in my ejaculate. I was using the leftover condoms for whacking it because jesus says it's a sin to touch yourself but with a layer of latex I was kind of skirting the rules. Now I'm going to hell. I have to say the seedless grapes are completely healed, there was a time there when I thought I might have permanent ballache but it's all good now. I haven't had as many random bitches as I had hoped or as my wife promised when I agreed to go under the knife but it's cool I'm sure it's in the works.

Also as promised here is a diagram explaining my previous 3rd degree sunburn.
During A I was wearing a bathing suit and my entire front got burned because I'm retarded and had 50 SPF on my back and nothing on the front. During B I was wearing a skin tight biking jersey and spandex shorts and went biking for 30 miles with no sunscreen at all.

Sweet Tan

2006-06-07T23:29:00.000-04:00

Listening to Dixie Chicks on a Spongebob Boombox

2006-06-06T20:28:00.000-04:00

Hi Guys,

I'm on vacation in North Carolina. I'm in Snead's Ferry on Topsail Island hanging out with the in laws. To most people that maybe doesn't sound like the best thing but my in laws are pretty cool and we're having a great time. Much alcohol has been consumed and I have maybe the greatest farmer tan/sun burn pattern ever seen. I'm going to try to get somebody to take a picture of it tonight and I will try to post it tomorrow. You will enjoy because either you are gay like John Virgil and Scott or you are in love with me like HoKay Seriously, Cheesecakepot, Going on Horty, SLCUPS, Mel and LoLo. I'm having a good time, eating well exercising well and drinking well. I'll see you peeps when I get back to C-Town.

Later dogs,
JManPain

I'm fat again

2006-05-10T00:43:00.000-04:00

I took too much time off. I'm a lardpiece again. I got really annoyed about it today and went exercise nutso. For the first time since I've been training for the triathlon I did the swim distance, bike distance and run distance all in one day. eff you fatpiece. man I hate me.

The BFL "After" Pics and an Explanation

2006-04-25T00:42:00.000-04:00

Several people complimented me on my orange picture and like a total douchebag I thought everyone was making fun of me. However, I'm not normally one of those people who can't take a compliment. It was just a weird combination of things that caused me to be a little self conscious. See, when I was peeling the orange and took that final picture I immediately checked it on the camera to see if I looked like an a-hole. In fact I did, so I decided to take 4 additional pictures to try to get a better one all of which were worse. So before anyone even made a comment I was already in the mindset that I looked like a total douche, however in my defense it didn't keep me from posting the picture. Anyway as a thanks for the compliments, here for your enjoyment are the other 4 pictures of me celebrating my victory over the orange. I couldn't make up my mind whether to try to convey surprise or joy so you end up with these.

Part II
the after pictures
For your additional enjoyment here are the "after" photos from the first 12 weeks of BFL or the "before" pictures for my next 12 weeks. It's your choice.

Round 2 BFL starts next Monday May 1st. Who's with us? So far it's me, Virgil and OKS Sarah doing a light version.

Teledildonics

2006-04-18T21:13:00.000-04:00

Okay Seriously Sarah's life was apparantly changed when I taught her how to peel an orange. Here's a step by step photo how to.

1. Start with a Sunkist naval orange.

2. With the stem end towards the ceiling, make a latitudinal cut around the North Pole with a sharp paring knife or a swiss army pocket knife.

3. Invert the orange so that the naval end is towards the ceiling and repeat.

4. Now make 3 longitudinal cuts 120 degrees apart connecting the first 2 cuts. (on a large orange you might want to make 4 cuts 90 degrees apart)

5. Pop off the skin on the naval end, sometimes this will also include a little mini orange growing in the naval end.

6. This is the magic moment. If you peel off the stem end carefully the entire center crap comes with it.

7. Now peel the 3 remaining pieces.

8. The orange and the peel.

9. The empty orange skin I tried to fool my kid with.

10. Celebrate your victory over the orange.

The Home Stretch

2006-04-04T00:13:00.000-04:00

Well folks, I'm nearing the final sprint of my 12 week Body for Life marathon. Today marks the 71st day of the 84 day program. I've reached a sort of mental fitness/illness where I actually sort of want to or need to exercise everyday. On my "off" day this weekend I biked 22 miles (18 on my new road bike with Iron Mike and 2 more with each of my kids in the seat on the back of my mountain bike) and also ran 2 miles. For the weekend as a whole I biked 30 miles and ran 4.

Here's a progress report for the beginning of week 10 of 12.

Start date January 23rd:
Weight 197 lbs
Pushups 25
Mile 9:40
6 Rep Bench Press 144 lbs

Today April 4th:
Weight 183 lbs
Pushups 41
Mile 7:45
6 Rep Bench Press 188 lbs

When I started I also snored like a chainsaw when I slept. I will double check with my wife but I don't think I snore much at all anymore. I've followed the plan very closely having not missed a single days workout to this point and adhering to the food plan with very few rule infractions usually coming on the morning following an "off day."

While the numbers don't really seem all that impressive, the one that really sticks out for me is the bench. When I started I benched 50lbs less than my weight for the 6 rep set, currently I bench 5 lbs more than my weight for the same number of reps. My arms have definitely improved the most from an aesthetic perspective. I still have a pretty good spare tire going but I have gone from wearing a pretty tight size 36 pants to a comfortable if not loose size 34.

The after photos are coming soon. I know everyone wants to see if the manboobs survived their toughest assault to date. I have to say their survival appears imminent at this point.

-Your friend,
Shoddy For Life

Efficiency

2006-03-27T10:05:00.000-05:00

Aparently they're going to start monitoring our instant messaging at work. I asked Scott if it was in place yet. This is our conversation

John: is sametime being monitored yet?
Scott: fuck you
John: so no then?

___

The Home Stretch

2006-03-23T11:46:00.000-05:00

Almost there! Only 20lbs to go. Here's some current pics.

Jelly Belly Before

2006-03-22T14:58:00.000-05:00

Here's another beauty from before BFL. The reason I'm standing on those electrical cords is I was trying to kill myself. My stomach seriously looks like something is trying to get out.
Also I'm pretty tan.

4 Weeks Left

2006-03-20T22:25:00.000-05:00

I'm still a little embarassed to put up the before pictures so I decided to post one that showed the tremendous progress I've made. Here you go ladies. Enjoy.

ok really that's my god awful before picture from January 23rd. Seriously that's the worst picture ever taken of me and it's horrible. It took me 8 weeks to decide that I didn't mind posting it on my blog.

Scent of a Woman

2006-03-02T00:13:00.000-05:00

This morning on the radio I heard about

Vulva tm <---not work appropriate

uhhhhh..... I have to say, I like a nice hoohoonanny probably as much as any guy out there but I'm not sure there's a market for this. I mean I might get a bottle just out of curiosity if I can figure out how much 19 euros actually would cost me but it's purely out of curiosity.

I mean how in god's name do they make this stuff? Seriously the contents have to be suspect.

Shop Dungs Guide to the Oscars

2006-02-27T23:31:00.000-05:00

The Academy Awards are almost here and I know you all come to this blog for an insider's guide to Hollywood, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences and gambling. That's why I'm prepared to give you the winning picks you'll need to take home the trophy this year at your annual Oscar party.

Picking the winners really couldn't be simpler than it will be this year in the 2006 Academy Awards. If there's one thing AMPAS loves more than a cowboy movie, it's a cowboy movie with great cinematography. If there's one thing they love more than both of those things it's the gays. That's what I call the Brokeback Mountain trifecta. This triumvirate of Oscar gold guarantees the most severe and heinous beating ever delivered by a single film at the Oscars. This troika of Cowboys, Cinematography and Buttsex is as sure a thing as the Vegas oddsmakers have ever seen. This is why it's imperative that you listen to the next sentence.

Pick Philip Seymour Hoffman.
I know that makes no sense but listen, he was awesome as the elephant man in last week's episode of Grey's Anatomy and his standup comedy routine under the pseudonym Jim Gaffigan is unmatched in comic genius. He will win for those 2 things alone, his performance in Capote was gravy.

You know and I know that I have a massive boner right now for Keira Knightley and in fact just Cheneyed my undershorts. Ok maybe you didn't know that but you do now and I'm very sorry for that. However, the Academy is filled with bitter old hags and they no likey the hot young bone raiser named Keira. That is why Dame Edna will win her 33rd straight Oscar. Sorry, I mean Dame Judi Dench. This doesn't really seem to have any rhyme or reason until you realize that Judi Dench is a man, he's gay, and he owns a ranch in Wyoming. Then it's obvious.

Outside of those nuggets, the rest is cake.

if Brokeback is involved it will win
Wallace and Gromit are awesome
King Kong cost a lot to make and therefore wherever Brokeback Mountain is not nominated it will win the "sorry you were up against a gay cowboy cinematographic masterpiece" Oscar.
Costume design always goes to gay old period pieces. That means Pride and Prejudice
The rest go like this - March of the Penguins, God Sleeps in Rwanda, The Constant Gardner, Don't Tell, Chronic-what?-cles of Narnia, 9, Our Time is Up, Memoirs of a Geisha

Take that shit to the bank, sign the back on the left end as you look at it from the front and cash cash that shit. I'm good for it.

Good Night and Good Luck,

-Shop Dungarees

WTF

2006-02-21T22:36:00.000-05:00

am I the only one that doesn't have a fucking clue what "text A to 3333" means? they just said that on American Idol and I'm like what in the sam fuck does that mean? That's like meeting somebody and having them say "hey call me sometime my number is 78436."

Have you been watching the olympics? Women's curling apparently requires you to be hot to compete. Figure skating has camel spins and toe loops, I think I'm going to invent a new move called the cameltoe spin loop. That's when the girl puts her leg over her head and leaps into a spin and then her leotard goes for the gold. That's my new favorite olympic move.

I made some tomato sauce from scratch. That's pretty retarded. I don't recommend it.

What else? What are you bitches doin? I seriously hate Ryan Seacrest and Ty Pennington with every fiber of my being. I know Ty is on the show where they do nice stuff for people that deserve it but he's such a goddamned credit seeking loudmouthed jerkwad. Shut up with the fucking bullhorn douche. And for christ sake stop with the cheesy "well I guess there's just one thing to say, welcome home Tara Kubena..... welcome home" Whatever, center of attention guy.

I just recently got a 2 tuner HD DVR from Comcast and I have to say it's effing fantastic. Being able to record HD is just plain awesome. I mean the timing was a little weak given I've had to trade Earl and the Office for a bunch of High Definition shots of dudes pressed sausage under leotard strain but hey it's HD baby. For every High Definition baggage check I have to suffer through there's High Defintion women's curling and figure skating to even it out.

I guess there's just one thing left to say, Welcome home high definition DVR...... welcome home.

Problem Solved

2006-02-09T19:10:00.000-05:00

Where you was.... Shop Dungs?

2006-02-08T23:57:00.000-05:00

A lot of me hurts. The Body for Life program is kicking my ass routinely. I never have time to blog or else I have time but my arms don't work. I have to say however, at this point it looks like it's not total bullshit. I mean it seems like it's going to work if I keep doing for 12 weeks what I've been doing for the first 3 but working out and eating properly is kinda bullshit. Fortunately for you blog reader I haven't been blogging because Body for Life is all I talk about lately and I think the lunch crew is fairly annoyed with me. You guys are fine.

When I run in the morning, which is when I always do the running, I get about 18 minutes into the 20 minute routine before I really start to have to poop. Those last 2 minutes are risky every time I run. Anyway, once I get off the treadmill, sweat erupts from me like old faithful. It seems like gallons are pouring out of me and what happens is my butt cheeks get really sweaty and then I sit on the toilet and I feel like I'm slipping down into the hole because I'm so slicked up. It's not the most comfortable way to poop.

I'm still pretty fat when I look in the mirror. My man-maries are still pretty generous sized. I have lost 11 pounds since December 19th though so somewhere on me there's 11 pounds missing. It's probably mostly muscle and penis weight. Thanks TFG you bastardhead.

Seriously though, it's been almost 3 weeks and everyone has been very supportive of my goal to get through the 12 weeks. Specifically you blog peeps for the words of encouragement, Russ for the homemade protein shakes, Jan for knocking the Smarties tm out of my hand, JackVirgil for talking me down when I try to eat the donuts, Kim for keeping me in protein shakes of a different kind and nutrition bars, Hor've Villchez for listening to me cry about my legs and for walking slower in the mornings to get coffee, the Schaefs for getting me the swimming pass that I still haven't paid for, OK Horiously for walking to GNC and listening to me talk about food and BFL for like her entire life without killing herself and most of all Elb for buying all the stuff I need to keep from cheating and for packing my lunch all the time and everything else.

I'll get back in the groove and post something sooner now that I got this shit by the horns.

Live longer with exercise

2006-01-26T06:47:00.000-05:00

You know how they say exercise makes you live longer. Exercise is just like having kids, everyone who does it tries to convince you that it's wonderful. Furthermore once you have one and they drive you nuts, people start telling you "oh you need to have another, it's not as hard as the first and they will keep each other occupied.....blah blah blah" Then you have kids and you're like "I'll effing kill those sonsabitches that told me to have kids."

Such is the way of exercise. Somebody who's in shape convinces you, tells you it's going to be wonderful, make you live longer....blah blah blah. What they really want is another person to share their misery. See the thing is exercise doesn't make you live longer. Exercise makes every day seem longer because of all the pain. It's just like dieting. Eat right live longer. No.... eat right and you will feel like days are neverending because of all the whey and cod liver oil you're eating and trying to make taste like a Meat Lover's tm Pan Pizza.

In short what I'm trying to say is, the Body for Life plan is going wonderfully. You all should try it. The food isn't as bad as it would seem and the exercise only makes you sore for a little bit, then you're better than new.

Try it.... you'll live longer.

Body for Life

2006-01-22T22:28:00.000-05:00

I bought the book. I'm doing the 12 week challenge. If you're lucky I won't post the before picture here. I might have to post it though just to motivate myself. God I hate me. I'm a fat pile of crap. I promise you all right here right now I'm doing this 12 week challenge with every bit of dedication and energy I can muster. Because I know everyone loves a before and after photo and it's even better when you know the person. Plus when I finish the 12 weeks you will know once and for all if Body for Life is for real or if it's total bullshit. I promise you I will follow all the rules for 12 weeks and I will do all the exericise like it's my religion. Well I'll do better than that because my religion is sitting on the couch watching football and tracking my fantasy stats online. I start tomorrow. Tomorrow is day 1 of 84. Tomorrow I will start the challenge at 196 lbs with a big belly, 2 good sized man boobies, poor cardiovascular conditioning, a general lethargic disposition, a history of self letdown and a love of all things not contained on the list of foods I'm allowed to eat Monday through Saturday. Wish me luck but more importantly count on me to do it. Let me know that you really need to know if this thing is BS or not. Let me know that you really need to see a set of abs that have been hiding under lard for roughly 34 years. I'm doing it baby. I hope I don't look exactly like my before picture at the end because that will completely effing blow a shitty cock.

-JMan

Training

2006-01-12T12:27:00.000-05:00

My brother in law, Iron Mike is helping me train for a mini-Triathlon in June. We were swimming the other day and he said, "one good thing about swimming is you won't be sore tomorrow." Well one good thing about Iron Mike is he's a goddamned liar.

um

2006-01-11T14:44:00.000-05:00

I just pooped. So much for that resolution.

you knew it was coming

2006-01-10T23:00:00.000-05:00

My resolutions for 2006. I decided to do real ones. I think I can hold to these.

no more work poops
no more Party Poker
do some form of exercise for the sake of exercise every day
lose 10 lbs
no more sugar in my coffee
pack my lunch at least 3 days a week
do the triathlon in June

That's my deal. One of last year's resolutions was also to lose 10 lbs I think. I believe when I wrote it I weighed 196.5. When 2006 began I weighed 201 lbs. That one went pretty well. Eff you fat boy.

I also said I would get to my desk at work before 8 at least 3 days a week. I didn't arrive at work before 8 a total of 3 times in 2005. What a loser

I said I would get rid of my cats. I did. Cats blow.

Allright let's do this bitches. 2007 here I come. Man I can't even believe how fast 2006 went.

National Champs

2006-01-05T00:25:00.000-05:00

I had no stake in the Rose Bowl, I couldn't have cared less who won but I just watched the greatest national championship game in NCAA history and I have to say Vince Young is absolutely amazing. No player has ever had a bigger game in a bigger game. Holy crap he was effing amazing tonight. I hope he plays one more year and the Browns go winless next year. He had 200 yards rushing and 3 rushing TD's and he's the freaking quarterback! I am not disappointed that I stayed up to watch this whole game. Unbelievable. He accounted for 467 yds of total offense.

2006-01-03T12:57:00.000-05:00

I saw this face recognition website on Carly's blog and decided to give it a try. I got a 98% match. Here's who I look most like.

Shop Dungs Paper Anniversary

2006-01-01T23:59:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year all. Today marks the one year anniversary of the Shop Dungarees Blog and in celebration I have posted these photos of the gifts of paper I am looking forward to receiving. Tomorrow I will be reviewing my resolutions of 2005 and how I managed to fail at most of them.

Merry Wintertime Holiday Season to All

2005-12-25T16:21:00.000-05:00

Hi internet friends. I hope you're all having a nice holiday timeframe. We had a lovely dinner and drinks at my mother and father in law's house last night and saw santa claus and took a million pictures and videos and exchanged gifts and had a great time. This morning we had a fantastic brunch at the wondercouple's house, took a few more pictures and videos drank some more alcohol and I rearranged the Merry Christmas blocks on the fireplace to say "Hire My Ass". This was also a very good time and now that we're home relaxing I thought I'd say hi to my internet friends and write a few letters a la the lovely Sarah. So here you go.

Dear Playskool,
Thank you for being an "educational" company that misspells skool. Good work on that.

Dear Tonka,
Thank you for making the awesomest bulldozer ever and for keeping my son from being a whiny biatch for like 45 whole min.

Dear Mattel,
Shake-N-Go Racers tm are awesome, your packaging however, is not. Thank you for the 4 lacerations, 3 broken eardrums, 2 minor eye abrasions and the anal tear. Maybe you don't have kids but when it takes 37 hours to get the Racers out of the package, kids get all kinds of effing crazy. Stop with the goddamned razor wire twist ties already. Jesus H Christ.

Dear Home Depot/Toys R Us assembly instruction writer,
Blow me.

That's all for now, thanks for reading the blog this year. It's almost been one whole year since I started. I know the quality isn't always there but at least the quantity isn't there either so even though the stuff I write sucks it lately at least I don't write that often.

Merry Christmas,
-JMan

2005-12-25T11:15:00.000-05:00

Ripping off Virgil

2005-12-18T19:29:00.000-05:00

Johnny Virgil has some funny searches that have landed people on his site. His commentary about them is equally funny if not funnier. I don't have any commentary but holy crap people get to my blog with some effed up searches. I mean #1 is just sacriligious and #8 I can't even count the number of things I've lost up there.

Not 100% truthful advertising

2005-12-17T14:45:00.000-05:00

I recently bought a shirt made by a company called Under Armour tm. They always show the shirts in thier ads without a person but as if a very fit body were in it. I assumed this was because when you wore the Under Armour that's how you would look. That's what made me buy it.

Unfortunately when I got it and tried it on it didn't look exactly like the ads. I mean I still look totally hot but just not as good as the hardbody they advertise. I took a picture of me in my new Under Armour just to show you how well it works.

5 Weird Habits

2005-12-16T20:48:00.000-05:00

I got tagged by Mel. First like the normal way then from behind. Wait that was something different..... um she just wanted me to tell you about 5 weird habits I have.

I eat all of each individual item on my plate before I move to the next item usually in the reverse order of how much I like each item. So I eat all my french fries then my quarter pounder or all my salad then all my vegetables then my steak then my mashed potatoes and gravy.
The first thing I do when I enter my own house every night is wash my hands. I also wash my hands like 1000 times a day, and I generally will wash my hands when I go to somebody else's house within a few minutes of being there.
I have a clean nostril obsession. Which means I twist up toilet paper and kleenex and shove it up in there to get any possible grossness out. I know that's supposed to be not healthy or something but I hate thinking there might be something in my nose.
I rinse/wash every glass I take out of a cupboard before I will use it. I do this for other people too.
I turn each sock inside out and shake out and pull off any lint/possible toejam fodder before I put the sock on.

I really have some OCD issues. It's almost uncomfortable to be forced to think about all of my them. I could have made a list of 20 weird things but they all would've sounded similar.

I tag - Danielle, Sarah, Scott, Toren and Carly. Don't bitch about me tagging you because you know you liked it.

Shit covered tinsel

2005-12-10T21:08:00.000-05:00

There aren't a lot of things that just completely and thoroughly disgust me. I've got a pretty strong stomach and general overall constitution but I now must disabuse you of one misconception. The misconception that I am a fan of poop. Although I talk a lot about poop, you will notice that most of the discussion centers around ridding myself of the existence of feces, the odor of feces and the overall general disgustingness of feces. My inventions are all feces/feces odor eliminators. Animals, on the other hand, love the feces. They dig in it, roll in it, eat it and play with it. This is why I hate pets. Yeah dogs are awesome. Dogs also lick their anuses and then your face. Dog people are cool with that. I'm not. Maybe you're a cat person well here's why I'm not.

1. People with cats smell like they have cats. Now the ocd readers who have cats are saying "no I keep the litterbox spotless" or "no I built a special room for the cats to shit in" or "no my litterbox is motorized and cleans itself 30 seconds after the cat soils." Trust me I know all this stuff because I was you a year ago. And while some are certainly better than others, cats stink up your house and you.

2. Cats piss on your stuff. "Not my cat" really just means "Not yet mine hasn't" Your cat will piss on something you really like someday. I hope you enjoy it. I don't.

3. Cats puke up living spaghetti. Yeah. This made me almost puke. My cat had a tapeworm and puked the whole thing up on the fireplace hearth one day. It was still moving and it looked like a plate of spaghetti. This is almost the most disgusting thing ever. If it weren't for the final straw and the final reason I won't ever have a cat again. Reason #4.

4. Cats eat tinsel. Tinsel is basically shiny string. Why a cat would eat the fucking stuff is beyond me but cats are retarded and cats eat shit from their own anuses so psychoanalysing a cat is futile. Merely eating the tinsel however isn't really what I take issue with. Where I have a problem is when a cat who has recently partaken of this shiny metal treat takes a poop but only about 30% of the length of the tinsel leaves the colonand it DOESN'T BREAK! So kitty drags his newfound shit covered tinsel tail around the house until yours truly either a.) finds it on an object that is has snagged on or b.) extracts it manually.

Well guess what I'm not doing this Christmas. Sorry kitties. I hope you're doing well.

What have I been doing?

2005-12-09T00:28:00.000-05:00

A lot of time has passed since my last blog post. I've matured. I've grown to realize there's more to life than making fun of the handicapped. There's more to talk about than poop. I've grown up. I've changed for the better. I've been out campaigning for retard levies. I've been trying to help the blacks shake off the opression of "the man" and I've been spending a great deal of time doing the following.

Losing at online poker.
Losing at fantasy football.
Losing at losing weight.
Wiping
Surfing porn
Not sleeping
Sharda
Secretly not doing what I'm supposed to not be doing at work and secretly not talking to the people I'm not supposed to be talking to.
Steph
Your mom

I know I know, that's a lot of stuff and it's hard to believe I'm able to accomplish it all. Well some of it happens while I'm asleep. 7 and 9 come to mind for example. A lot of people were hoping I'd include 10 on that but no. I am in fact spending a lot of time doing your moms.

I'm open to suggestions for new wiping techniques. I really think I need to give up premoistened wipes. While I firmly believe my anus is as clean as they come, I am beginning to think that's not really how your anus was intended to be maintained.

Also on that front, or rear as it were, I sometimes wipe after a bad poop and like after 2 or 3 wipes I will perform a blanket wipe to zero in on problem areas. This is not a normally occurring thing but it's disturbing when it occurs. The general gist of it is I pretty much focus right on the centerhole. Like J. Geils used to say "na na nana nana Anus is the Centerhole". Anyway if you wipe like me you realize that the area requiring maintenance is usually a pretty focused region but every once in a while I stick the paper down there after a pass I observe streaking in an area of the paper that shouldn't be soiled. It's disheartening. Generally for me this means it's time to get in the shower because I don't think toilet paper is really going to do justice back there.

Ok well that whole paragraph was pretty disgusting and you guys are starting to think "I thought earlier in this post he said there was more to talk about than poop." Well you're wrong. Scroll up and reread what I said. Ok you were right that is what I said but I'm only human.

Apparently some blogger died or something. I hope Keira Knightly doesn't get real mad about my blog and then come to my house to try to kill me with sweet love. That would be a horrible way to go.*

*that's reverse psychology. Secretly I do want Keira Knightly to try to kill me with love overload. Shhhhh.

Allright my biatches. Peace out. Happy Birthday Sarah and Danielle and Scott pretty soon and Wayne and Leah. Thanks for inviting me over for braised lamb, Cheesecakepot.

Shop Dung's 1st annual Blogfest 2006 is in the works. We're going to take a day off this summer and head to the roller coaster capital of the world to ride the Top Thrill Dragster. Leave your kids, baggage and inhibitions at home and plan to get crazy with us in June.

COMING SOON!

2005-12-08T13:18:00.000-05:00

the greatest post ever written. I think it will be here tomorrow.

back lotionerizer?

2005-11-14T20:18:00.000-05:00

How to apply body lotion to your back when no one is around to help you?
You love the feel of a body lotion or bath gel, and now you won’t have to be a contortionist to smooth it on your back by yourself! Simply fill the long-reach applicator with your favorite lotion, and gently “massage” the 19 floating “lotion-lubricated” balls all over your back.
Does anyone see an issue with that ad? I'll tell you what's wrong. That milf in the picture doesn't need the self lotion applicator. She definitely won't have any problem finding a guy to "rub lotion lubricated balls all over her back." They probably should have used this chick if they really want to sell it.

Jesse Jackson can suck my oversized nuts

2005-11-13T23:30:00.000-05:00

Can somebody please explain to me why "the reverend" Jesse Jackson ever gets a public forum to voice his political cancer? Goddammit this fucking douche is such a fuckwit assclown. Hey Jesse, how about you support something useful and stop fucking random whores and then supporting them with the money you steal from the non-profits you promote. Nobody gives a flying fuck about your opinion of the Terrell Owens suspension. He's a big boy, and the Philadelphia Eagles are pretty familiar with the everyday issues of running a professional football team. Your arguments on why the suspension is too harsh are priceless I will give you that. Yes a guy who beats his wife and does crack is a bad person who probably should receive a worse suspension than a guy who rots his entire team from the inside out like colon cancer. Yes Terrell Owens is a total douche and a flaming pile of anus cancer and I for one hope the guy never plays football again because he just doesn't fucking get it and anyone who comes out in public support of the guy is an asswipe too. Period. If you think Terrell Owens got a raw deal you're an idiot. If you support Terrell Owens right to say whatever he wants to, I agree with you so long as you support the Philadelphia Eagles right to bench his ass without pay for as long as they feel like it. When his "contract" ends then I say he can do what he wants to. Until then he can sit and not get paid for as long as the Eagles want him to. That's what should happen.

an ode to internet porn - on the eve of my birthday

2005-11-09T22:13:00.000-05:00

when you see girls
are you like me?
do feel funny
where you pee?

you rub the thing
that pleases you
and from that place
comes pleasure stew

now that you're done
and things subside
you go to bed
and soil your side

I fixed Johnny V's perfect woman for him

2005-11-09T00:15:00.000-05:00

Vegas, Doritos and Hold'em

2005-11-06T21:50:00.000-05:00

Well I've missed you guys. Here's the lowdown.

I made it home safely from my first trip to Vegas.
I won $750 in a $65-32 player Hold'em tournament at Luxor.
The founder of the company whose software I was there to see sent me his conference badge in a DHL Express overnight pack because I asked him to. AWESOME!
I heard some Usher song and some Nickelback song at least 10,000 times while I was there.
I had 4 women in my hotel room bed the second night I was there.
Each of those 4 women thinks I'm retarded for a different reason
I just had some new "better tasting" "Nacho Cheesier" Doritos and they're not good.
I have pictures of my amazing room at the hotel in Vegas. Holy crap it was awesome.
I'm becoming more libertarian, objectivist, and atheist every day if that's possible.
Sarah said that everything is black and white to me. I think that's the most accurate thing anyone has ever said about me.
Sarah's sister and roommates had a fantastic Halloween party on the day I returned from Vegas. I got severely hammered and paid Diane to make out with my wife, took pictures of Kim's and Sarah's racks, tried to take pictures up Sarah's skirt and got ridden by Scott dressed as Barb Wire.
I took a hot picture of Sarah and The Master Hor as well.

I hope you are all doing well. I'm back in the blog saddle. I will be around to make fun of all your posts soon enough. Peace out motherbitches. I think some hot girls should send me their underthings like I'm a rockstar. You know like girls throw stuff on stage. Or even better, I think you should send me pictures of "Shop Dungarees" painted on your bodies. Yeah, do that. Send me some pictures.
jmanpain@hotmail.com

Shop Dunctionary - A guide for the Shop Dungs reader

2005-10-21T22:54:00.000-04:00

I'm heading to Vegas and so in my absence I leave you with this. A reference guide for Shop Dungs. Definitions for the inane language used here.

assclown - one who in every attempt to be funny always ends up being a complete a-hole
asspirate - one who plunders the ass of another without commission from it's rightful owner
asswipe - one who is equal in value to that with which one would wipe one's ass
premoistened wipe (PMW) - the single greatest invention of our generation
douche - every moron that does something you can't stand and who makes you want to punch them in the neck
weenjammer - a complete and total douche who tries to be cool but ends up just sucking total bag
D.O.O.D.U - the distributed odor displacement unit. One of my greatest inventions.
Shop Dungarees - the most awesome pair of pants you will ever own
jerkwad - the wad resulting from a furious jerking or a person equivalent to same
jerkass - just click on the word
hor - Sarah or Danielle or any of their friends
hot spare - a really smokin' chick that can stand in at a moment's notice when one of our female lunch crew is unavailable
hot spares - an extra pair of Big Yank underpants you keep in your car for the in the hopefully rare yet horrible event that you shart or completely shit in your pants at work
gapestry - a length of toilet paper hung from the top of the stall used to cover up the gap next to the door
hard charger - an overzealous achiever of position usually regarding elevator entry
monkey puncher - somebody who is stupid enough or computer illiterate enough to actually attempt to punch the monkey on one of those stupid pop up ad banners that has the monkey sliding back and forth.
monkey punching douche - somebody who totally hoses your computer every time they touch it.

So there you have it. You're now armed with my vocabulary to go out and conquer the world with. Good luck. Enjoy.

more bugs

2005-10-16T01:33:00.000-04:00

spiders creep me out pretty bad. I've been working on cleaning and painting my garage and putting epoxy on the floor. I will post some before and after pics here soon. However, this post is about all the gross stuff that was living in my garage. While dusting out all the cobwebs, I must've hit a little nest of baby spiders or something because these little red spider looking bastards fell on me and bit me a few times. They were tiny but I could feel where they bit me for a long time. It kinda burned and then itched after awhile. As I continued the cleanup effort, I saw a pretty creepy looking spider come up from the floor between the concrete of the floor and the concrete of the poured wall. I remember reading or hearing one time that if a bug isn't camoflauged it's because it's poisonous. Well this spider was just dingy brown all over except its abdomen was bright white. I smashed it because I thought it was a brown recluse and I didn't feel like having big chunks of my flesh die from his bite. I think after doing a little research though that it was a woodlouse spider. He looked like this.

The next night after that we had this insane midge invasion. The entire front of my house was covered with them. They were talking about them on the news but the worst was my garage. The ceiling in my garage is white but when the midges came there were so many it was basically black. I fog bombed them and woke up to this in the morning.

today was the final day of painting and for the most part the garage was free of bugs and general grossness but as I was finishing painting one wall I looked down and saw this.

That big hairy ugly bastard is a wolf spider. It's called that because it eats small children. Maybe not but jesus christ enough with the bugs. ehkkk. I can't tell you how many times during this crap I've brushed against an inanimate object and totally freaked out swatting at it.

I think if you click on the pictures you can see the full size images. The first spider picture is one I found on the internet because I squished him before I could get a picture. The other 2 pics are ones I took. I got pretty close to that wolf spider to take that picture. Close enough that I can't really sleep right now.

everything stinks

2005-10-11T21:06:00.000-04:00

not figuratively but literally. Downtown Cleveland is really starting to smell like Bourbon Street in N.O. Entering the building I work in, if you come in the North side it smells like somebody tried to cure their diarrhea by lighting their anus on fire. If you come in from the West, well it's slightly better. From the West side it just smells like pee. Actually I guess like somebody peed on the guy who lit his anus on fire maybe. I don't know. It's not good whatever it is. Why does everything have to stink so bad? Gosh dammit it's horrible.

Anyway this morning while I was doing the coin toss to determine whether the burning ass or pee entrance was going to be my gateway to paradise today, I started across the street before I realized the don't walk sign guy was flashing red. So I knew I wasn't going to make it to the other side at my current pace before the light turned green. I broke into the classic half-assed 'I don't want to seem like I'm running' run to get the eff out of the way and it occurred to me that this was a sort of personality test. You see there are 2 types of people in the world and you can categorize them by their answer to this question. Decide which one you are and then scroll down to see how closely it matches your personality type (I did it, it's kinda scary how true it is).

When you're in a crosswalk and the light starts flashing or god forbid the opposing traffic light turns green do you a.) make some effort to get out of the roadway more quickly or b.) keep walking at the same pace you were walking at all along because 'hey the cars are stopped and they're not going to run me over'? Choose whether you're person a or person b then scroll.

If you are person a, you are likely a reasonable and logical person who values his or her time enough to understand that other peoples' time is also valuable and as such is willing to inconvenience themselves slightly for the greater good of following some guideline for conduct.

If you are person b, well, I fucking hate you.

first the wife now the fortune cookie

2005-10-04T20:31:00.000-04:00

even my effing fortune cookie has to make a crack about my tiny wang
eff you fortune cookie

Shop Dungar-bees

2005-10-01T16:41:00.000-04:00

My house is infested with bees. Mostly they're harmless. They're really lethargic and they just come into the house and die for the most part. But some of these bees are total bitches and today they finally crossed the line. To this I say fuck bees*. I hate bees so much. Some people are all "if you leave them alone they will leave you alone." I left them alone, they bored through the concrete in the front of my house and started pissing me off. Therefore I declared a jihad on bees. I won.

Exhibit A - the bees (the lighter colored stuff is not dust or dirt, it's bees covered with Sevin)

Exhibit B - The shop vac a.k.a the bees' collective grave. (the entire bottom of the shop vac is bees about an inch and a half thick.)

* - I should make an editorial comment in case some joker comes along to tell me what I already know. These are in fact not bees. They are wasps, specifically yellow jackets. The one key difference from my perspective is wasps can sting your ass many times. This "if I sting you I die" concept is the main deterrent for bees. Not so for wasps. That's why wasps suck. But saying fuck wasps just isn't as funny.

Eat a cock Reverend Tom

2005-09-29T23:06:00.000-04:00

You rat bastard. This is my url. I moved you to weenreverend.blogspot.com you buttpirate.

my hizzos

2005-09-26T19:21:00.000-04:00

(there's more where these came from)

the bonfire - I took this picture with my fans while I was hammered

I Probably Hate You - Shop Dungs - Okay Seriously

Hurricane Rant

2005-09-21T23:37:00.000-04:00

Okay I have a few more things. Here they go.

1. Don't pray for your safety. Get the fuck out... I heard some lady on the radio on the way home. She was from Galveston and had decided to stick it out for the old Category 5er. While being interviewed she said "me, my 10 year old son and my 5 year old daughter are going to stay here. No, we're not ready for it but I'm praying and I think god will take care of us." Here's a hint. GOD IS taking care of you. That's why he put weather people on the TV to tell you to get the eff out of there, asswipe. NOW GET THE EFF OUT OF THERE!

2. It ain't global warming asspirate. Michael Moore you're so effing worthless. Why can't your fat, sorry, cheese-clogged aorta stop fueling your big sweaty mouth with the energy to say retarded shit. Hurricanes happen always have always will. You get winded from eating a cheeseburger. I think your weight problem is the root of global warming and hurricanes. I guarantee George Bush is to blame for your being a fat fuck somehow. Bush sucks. We get it. Go do something productive like go to Galveston and jog around in circles in the opposite direction of the hurricane.

That lady from Galveston reminds me of a joke.
There was warning of a huge flood and as the water started coming a man in a truck drove past a ladies house and asked if she'd like a ride to higher ground. She said "no thank you, god will take care of me." Then as the water rose she was forced to the second floor of her house and a man in a boat drove by and asked if she'd like a ride to higher ground. "no thank you, god will take care of me" she replied. As the water rose even higher she was forced to her roof and a helicopter flew over and dropped a rope down to her. She waved to the pilot and said "no thanks, god will take care of me" and promptly drowned. When she got to heaven she asked god why he had allowed her to drown and god said "I sent you a truck, a boat and a helicopter, what more did you want from me, you worthless pile of ass currency."

I'm pretty sure the moral of the story obviously is supposed to be that there's no such thing as god. Or something like that.

There's a studio apartment waiting for me in hell.

I'm a bad drunk

2005-09-18T16:25:00.000-04:00

Man lately when I drink I'm a total ass. I mean maybe it was always the case and I'm just realizing it. Anyhoo, to Steph and the remaining sober occupants of the car, I apologize for my final display of complete loss of self control as you were leaving. I blame Sarah. Seriously though as I was approaching the car and still had some composure, the Hornsby line was going to be the funniest delivery ever. Unfortunately since I was drunk and I really love myself a lot when I'm drunk, I heard it before I got it out and completely lost it. That was precious from your perspective I'm sure as I slobbered and laughed uncontrollably at something you never even got to hear. I have pictures though and most of them came out pretty good.

Anyway, thanks for coming and partying with me. It was fun before I started acting like an ass.

Leah, once again, I'm sorry you have to be married to me.

NEWSFLASH!

2005-09-16T13:29:00.000-04:00

Bonfire!

Saturday, 7:30 my house.

We have a lot of beer leftover from the reunion. It's all mainstream stuff, no microbrews or crazy stuff. If you want food besides like chips and stuff bring it. I will grill it for you. If you want food like chips and stuff, bring that too probably.

for mel

2005-09-14T00:00:00.000-04:00

I got tagged by Mel and since I've been sucking lately at posting anything I decided this counts as something

7 Things I Plan to do Before I Die:
1. Make a will
2. Start a company
3. Parachute out of a plane (maybe immediately before)
4. Hold public office
5. two chicks at once
6. babysit grandkids
7. see the Grand Canyon

7 Things I Can Do:
1. Build a computer
2. Build a garage
3. Make you shoot pop out your nose
4. Shower 4 times in a day
5. Diff Eq's
6. Fix almost anything
7. Throw a spiral

7 Things I Cannot Do:
1. Pee with an audience
2. Play the piano
3. Sing like Josh Groban
4. Russ's girlfriend
5. Two chicks at once
6. Fly a plane
7. Hit my driver.

7 Things That Attract me to the Opposite (or same) Sex:
1. Sense of humor/Sarcasm
2. Intelligence
3. Eyes
4. Dark Hair
5. Sweet Rack
6. Legs
7. Smile

7 Things That I Say Most Often:
1. What's up bitches?
2. Eat a cock
3. WTF
4. shut your piehole
5. brosef
6. mother shitter piece of bitch
7. uh...what the hell bro

7 Celebrity Crushes:
1. Keira Knightly
2. Vince Vaughn
3. Will Ferrell
4. Evangeline Lilly
5. Natalie Portman
6. Terri Hatcher
7. Sandra Bullock

7 People I Want To Do This:
1. Sarah
2. Danielle
3. Scott
4. Carly
5. Johnny
6. Toren
7. Liz

lighten up a bit

2005-09-07T23:19:00.000-04:00

My last post generated a lot of commentary most of it mutually respectful and I appreciate that. A lot of people get emotional about national news whatever the source and I appreciate the fact that the comments were for the most part intellectual insight vs emotional rants.

That being said, it's obviously time to get back to talking about poop and balls and stuff. So I'm shifting gears to get back to the real reason people come here, which is obviously to lose control of your bowels from laughing too hard.

I was talking with my dad the other night about when he was a kid which is awesome because it's like going back in time. He has such a good memory and the details he includes are usually hilarious if you can follow it all. Anyway we got to talking about groceries and grocery stores and he was sharing with me how things were when he was a kid. For example, they didn't have a deli in the grocery store. Pretty much the store was the deli. The only things they went to the grocery store for when he was a kid were meat and some canned goods that weren't things a normal family would make themselves. For example peanut butter. Aside from that stuff most of their food was grown by him and his mom and then canned by them at the end of the growing season. He would pack up potatoes in burlap sacks in quantities that were small enough that he could carry the bags into the crawl space of the house that he and his mom built. They would can tomatoes, corn, beans, peas whatever. Then they would eat it all during the winter and repeat the process the following year. Somehow my dad got to talking about lunchmeat and he was saying that they didn't have much selection back in those days. It was either, bologna or salami or pickle loaf. Mostly gross stuff and that got me to thinking about things that didn't really exist in my childhood memories.

Buffalo wings were the first thing I thought of. Holy crap I love buffalo wings, buffalo tenders, buffalo chicken dip, buffalo everything. I think I would cry if I woke up tomorrow and buffalo sauce didn't exist and never existed. What if that happened? What if you woke up tomorrow and your favorite thing never existed? It was just something you dreamt. I have no idea how to make buffalo sauce from scratch but I'm going to figure it out soon before this ends up being a dream and I'm left crying about something nobody's ever heard of.

venting

2005-09-02T22:39:00.000-04:00

I'm not even sure I will post this. I'm so thoroughly annoyed by so many things right now that I don't know if I can logically express these things in a socially acceptable politically correct manner. However I just need to get it out.

I will preface by saying that I feel really bad for the people affected by hurricane Katrina. I feel most bad for the ones who simply didn't have the means to get out of harms way. I don't however feel bad for any jackass that gets on tv and starts mouthing off about political bullshit during a time of crisis. I don't feel that bad for millionaires who chose to live 18ft below sea level. I don't feel that bad for people with really nice houses who are stuck in them with water up to the second floor because they refused to heed the warnings. There's a pretty good chance I wouldn't heed the warning of severe weather coming but I will never blame someone else when I'm stuck on the roof of my house someday because I refused to listen to the warnings. Although around here the fucking weather reports are so goddamned relentless that they will interrupt the last 5 minutes of the season finale of your favorite show to inform you that there might be a light dusting of snow for the morning commute, so they better fucking be all up ons when a hurricane is going to bury my house in water. The weather people are like people that play the same lottery numbers every day. You're kinda stuck playing them every day forever because you can't bear the thought of not playing them and having them hit. Weather people have established a history of exaggerrating the effects of weather so if there really is a terrible disaster coming they better fucking be telling us about it.

So I'm a little off topic here because what I really want to discuss is the refugees and Kanye West. I'm just baffled and depressed by how racism becomes a factor in everything. I really don't believe racism factors into half of the events that get accused of it. Not enough black head coaches in the NFL.... must be racism at play. Not enough black Quarterbacks.... definitely racism. Ty got booted off of Rockstar INXS and gave a really empassioned and totally racist departure speech because obviously it was racism that led to his departure. And now at the forefront of it all is the disaster in the south. Federal aid and public support seemingly aren't happening as fast as they should...... without a doubt it's obviously racism. George Bush must be a racist because Kanye West derailed a fund raising concert to declare it.

You know who's a racist? KANYE WEST! Fuck you asswipe. A whole host of amzing caring people with great intentions put together an amazingly powerful fund raising concert simulcast on all 3 NBC stations to raise money for a really important cause and all you have to say is basically America and George Bush don't care about black people. How fucking stupid can you be. Nothing extinguishes the spirit of giving like a racist moron getting on tv to make political statements at the expense of people in such dire need of help. The only saving grace is, although you asked me specifically to imagine that it was you out there suffering, I ignored you. I imagine the people suffering are normal people like me not racist fucking millionaires that have no ties to reality whatsoever. I'm not talking about the people who are stranded either. Those people are in an emotionally unstable state and don't have the luxury right now of knowing the magnitude of the disaster. So they say uninformed things that frankly the news media should have the common sense to keep off the television. But as a public figure with access to all the facts, if you're so dumb that you can't understand how detrimental your racist political statements are to the public spirit of giving, then please just stay off the damn television.

GODDAMMIT. Nearly a million people are homeless. It's going to take time to provide aid in a strategic successful effort. People are there. People are helping. The government is helping. The weather people made it clear (at least to me) that New Orleans was in dire straits at least 3 days before the storm hit groundfall. You know what happens if you just set out to deliver enough food for 1000 people to a convention center with 20,000 people in it. You get a riot. Things have to be thought out and executed in a rational plan and it takes time even for the "magical" federal government to mount that strategy to help a a city of a million people who are now in the 18 feet of water.

Please don't misunderstand me. I am as hearbroken and saddened by the tragedy as anyone. I really urge everyone to give whatever they can manage to help the cause.

Here are some easy ways to give money:
Red Cross via Yahoo Stores
Red Cross Direct
Salvation Army

Good people care about the people who are in need in the south. Good people are doing everything they can to help. Good people are offering their homes to strangers. I'm just frankly really tired of racists leading the charge against it.

me and my bub

2005-08-31T07:29:00.000-04:00

This is me and my buddy the J-Man.
He's going to draft my fantasy football team for me this year.
He can't possibly do worse than I did last year.

set your TiVo's

2005-08-29T07:35:00.000-04:00

Holy crap is today going to be a great day for TiVo owners. Hurricane Katrina is making landfall this morning/afternoon and there will undoubtedly be countless TV douches out in the storm reporting on it. This is going to be one for the ages. I predict at least one of these effing douchebags will be physically thrown by the storm during a live feed. If you capture that with your TiVo..... Internet GOLD! Good luck all.

Closer needed

2005-08-23T22:03:00.000-04:00

does anyone really think Bob Wickman ever has any legitimate reason to set foot on a major league baseball field? Goddammit Indians, you had a real closer and couldn't bring home the series please for the love of god don't make the playoffs with this fatpile serving up fat ones every time he takes the goddamned field.

Christ! Howry went the 8th untouched. Send him the fuck back out there and get the win.

GODDDAMMIT! I hate Cleveland sports.

Here's a picture from when he was in better shape right before spring training this year.

Objectionable content my ass

2005-08-19T12:24:00.000-04:00

What the fuck is this?
This new flag is objectionable to me.
Don't read blogs if you're a fucking pansy.

cropduster, long island iced tea and tittyman

2005-08-19T01:20:00.000-04:00

I tried to post drunk last night. I don't know what happened but I know this, I was effing trashed. I probably would have said some things on the blog that are better off lost. I bet it would have looked like this.

"i lfove you guys. If cuking sied I lvoew you lnot because I' m fujing drink bute you knwo ewhi"

I've been working at Tittyman (the road it's on sounds like Tittyman and the vendor referred to it as such) all week. No lunch pals no funny lunch stories. Although the vendor I was working with all week is a pretty cool guy. That is until he cropdusted me yesterday and then walked away leaving me there to toil away in the stenchcloud. After awhile I couldn't decide whether it still stunk or I had just gotten used to it. I'm sure at least one person thinks it was me that shit my pants. It wasn't. At least not this time.

So I have a bad habit of drinking moderately all night and then finishing the night off with something assinine. Last night was no exception. I had about eleventy five beers before I decided I should finish strong with a fucking long island iced tea. FLIIT as I like to call it because my common sense goes the flight route of the fight or flight scenario. Fuck you long island iced tea you bitch. My fucking head and stomach are still not right.

So I almost had to recite Scott's tourette's rant out loud today when after 6 weeks of working on a problem the vendor of the product informed us that we were running an unsupported version of the software it runs on. I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU. I almost gave 'em the ol' Tarantino director's cut right there. AHOLES.

I'll get back to this bloggin pretty soon. Peace out mother shitting piece of ass bitches.

We are the champions (kinda)

2005-08-14T23:47:00.000-04:00

I play softball. I've played for about 18 sorry years. During the prime years of my so called athleticism I played poorly for as many as 4 teams at the same time. But now it's been reduced to one Sunday morning men's team. It gives me a chance to get out of the house without the kids for a few hours and counts at least in some small part as exercise. This was our second year playing in this league. Our team is a mish mosh of guys I've played with forever and some guys I've only met in the last year since playing in this league. I play outfield. I've played every position on the field for one team or another along the way but I was made for outfield on account of I'm afraid of line drives.

This year I played right field and right center field. For the most part I personally fielded and hit worse than normal all year. Which leads me to how we won the championship.

2 weeks ago after winning the front and back of our final doubleheader of the season I went to my friend's house to hang out and eat pizza. As I was preparing to leave I decided we should play some football to burn off the pizza. 6 touchdowns and a lot of running later I tore my right hamstring.

And so I watched from the bench as my team swept the first week of playoffs and rolled the only remaining team in the championship game today. It looked so easy.

We never ever win....ever. In those 18 years I referred to earlier, I've come in 2nd place at least 40 times. No matter how much better we seem than the other team, somehow we always find a way to lose the big game but today the softball gods shined on us and let us have one and I have to think now that somehow I'm the one the softball gods really hate.

I think it's time for me to retire. I can always talk about how I "went out on top" and how we "won our last 8 games" and how I "like to wear women's panties".... whoa yeah maybe not that. Anyway, years from now, nobody will need to know that I was on the IR when it all went down. I've got the league champions shirt to prove I was on the team and I signed the game ball. This is the stuff legends are made of.

On a completely unrelated note, this really hot girl named Shawna commented on my blog because she obviously realized just like the rest of you how awesome I am and by awesome I mean totally sweet. So I feel it's my duty to link to her but more importantly as a friend to let you guys know that there are pictures of her on her blog so you should go check it out.

Listen up bitches

2005-08-09T21:33:00.000-04:00

First of all, work is ass.
Second, Blogger is ass. I had words in that last post when I posted it, blogger chose to just post the title. Whatever
poopsite.

Third and this is the real reason for my post. Today I wanted to make a dessert worthy of The Food Network and I'm really lazy but I always have a variety of Little Debbies in the pantry. My wife also loves Ruggles Moose Tracks Ice Cream which I'm not even sure I've ever had before but holy crap it's awesome. Okay, but not as awesome as what I'm about to tell you.

Read all the directions first. Don't try to read while you're making it or it will take too long and suck.

So you get little Debbie Brownies. I have the Cosmic ones ...you're fine ....Little Debbie is smokin too much weed. So you take 1/2 of the brownie (it already has a line to divide it) then you put it in a bowl and microwave it for 30 seconds. I know your microwave is a really good one and right now you're saying "that's way too much in my great microwave. My microwave is 35,000 Watts, his probably isn't that good so I'm only going to put it in for 15 seconds cuz if I do 30 seconds it will catch on fire." Shut up assrider. Just follow the goddamned recipe. 30 seconds. When you take it out it's going to smell really good and it will try to make you eat it right there. Don'tdo it. a.) it's like totally hot as fuck molten fucking lava right now and b.) I just told you not to eat it so follow the recipe already. Goddamn.

Now get out the Ruggles Moose Tracks.
Put 2 Big or 3 Small scoops of it on the molten hot Little Debbie. (I bolded that shit or you'd eff it up)
That's not the first time I've referrred to LD as molten hot by the way. I call her LD. You don't have that kind of relationship with her so you're jealous right now but you have to move on because this baby is almost ready to eat. Yeah I said it, this molten hot Little Debbie is almost ready to eat.

Now you need to drizzle a little Hershey's Chocolate Syrup. I said a little. You're probably one of those Chocolate Syrup Hors that always over does it. I know you. You over-chocolating bastard just do it like I said.

Now if you read all the directions first and then made it, it will be the perfect temperature to consume right after the drizzle my nizzle.

You can thank me after you try it. If you don't like it, punch yourself in the eustachian tube for me because you didn't listen to me.

driving in

2005-08-08T10:04:00.000-04:00

From now on when I drive in to work, I'm going to find someone in a Trailblazer and follow them.

TAG (Talented and Gifted)

2005-08-04T21:18:00.000-04:00

When I finished tagging Sarah she tagged me:

10 years ago:
I was engaged
I was 175lbs
I was blending fish livers at work in an Oster blender.
I was in the best shape of my life.

5 years ago:
I was finally a senior in college
I was officially working as a computer dork
I was 190 lbs
I tore one of my 4 quad muscles completely in half
I didn't fully realize how simple life without kids truly was

1 year ago:
Work was awesome
I finally got back under 200 lbs

Yesterday:
I watched my kid run in the hose in her underwear while the neighbor girl held it and then stand with her back to the neighbor and her hands on on her butt saying "you wash my booty"

Tomorrow:
I'm going to sit on the back patio swing and listen to my iPod

I enjoy:
Pizza, beer, friends, wine, women and song

5 bands/artists that I know the lyrics to most of their songs:
Sting, Phil Collins, Maroon 5, Matchbox 20, Journey

5 things I'd do with $100,000,000:
start a company hire the lunch/blog crew and make it our jobs to sit around and tell stories at lunch.
pay off the homes of my family and friends
take a month long cruise to Europe with my friends and family and a nanny
finish my basement as a theater
buy a seat in the World Series of Poker

5 locations I'd like to run away to:
Napa Valley
St Thomas
Trunk Bay
Venice
Someplace in Canada

5 bad habits I have:
Eating at night
Staying up too late
Leaving my clothes on the floor next to the bed right where I take them off
coughing/clearing my throat
saying "turd burglar" on conference calls at work

5 things I like doing:
my wife
driving my car at night with the moonroof open
listening to old music
playing poker
fantasy football

5 things I will never wear:
gay sweaters
flip flops
a speedo (unless it's red white and blue at D's halloween party)
leather pants
silk boxers

5 TV shows I like (I went with all time vs just current):
Cheers
Seinfeld
Lost
ER
24

5 movies I like:
Shawshank Redemption
Stripes
Caddyshack
Midnight Run
Say Anything

5 people I'd like to meet:
Bill Gates
Thomas Edison
Wil Ferrell
Thomas Jefferson
Me in 4th grade

5 biggest joys at the moment:
Kristin & Joshy
Hanging with the lunch crew
Sitting outside at night with Leah and a drink
Going out to dinner with friends without kids or even spending 5 minutes without kids whining
My parents refinance

5 favorite toys:
Dell Inspiron 5100 w/wireless high speed internet
ReplayTV
57" Hitachi Ultravision
iPod
VW Jetta GLX

I tag Carly and Lizzie

The Distinguished Gentleman

2005-07-29T00:55:00.000-04:00

And now a man who needs no introduction.

Ok I guess he does. It's Russ.

Pics from the trip

2005-07-27T23:41:00.000-04:00

Van wanted to see pictures.

me with the ladies

Tania, Carly and Lisa

Carly and Shamus

Me and Shamus (this is a completely normal picture)

me and Susan from our wonderful support team.

Dad

2005-07-24T22:51:00.000-04:00

I am a father of 2. I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old. For the most part I'm ok with the responsibility but every once in awhile I look in the mirror and still see a kid and I think "man I'm 'Dad' for those two kids." I'm hardly what I think of when I think of a dad. I think of a big guy that can do anything. A guy that knows all the answers, a guy that's not afraid of gigantic spiders, a guy that doesn't mind going outside to see what that really insane noise just was. That's not me. I'm still the guy that wants to call my dad to ask him to come over and see what that crazy noise was outside. My dad could lift an entire 327 small block out of a 64 Impala. I'm lucky if I can carry in the bulk can of baked beans from Sam's club my wife just bought. My dad had guns. Not just the really big arms kind, the real gunpowder and bullets kind too. Lots of them. Some that aren't even legal anymore. Me, I'm afraid of guns. My dad could build a house when he was 13. I couldn't build a house if I had plans and nothing but time.

I think the reason people look at kids and go "jeesh kids today!" is because every generation is one generation removed from the "dad" we all think of in our heads when we think of one. I hope someday my kids will think of me like I think of my dad but the truth of the matter is I know that they're getting a watered down version.

The other thing is my dad's dad was not really much of a dad. He was a drunk. My dad wasn't able to finish high school because he basically had to raise his brother and sisters. He had the grades to graduate but missed too many days of school due to work. He really did build the house he lived in from the time he was 13 until he moved out.

I try to help my mom and dad out as much as I can these days which isn't really as much as I would like and I know that my dad feels like he owes me something for that but I'll tell you something I'm the one that owes and the debt will never be repaid.

Here's to the dads out there. The hardcore old school last generation ones and the ones like me that are still trying to fill those shoes. Good luck with that.

I always use a spotter when I choke myself for pleasure

2005-07-20T22:38:00.000-04:00

I had a great time in A-Town with the crew. It's rare that you meet someone in person for the first time and really feel a connection with them. Monday night I had drinks and dinner with a whole group of those kind of people. Especially the real drinkers that went back with me for more alcohol at my hotel after dinner. I feel like I've known Carly, Shamus, Tania and Julia since I was a kid. Shamus is still the legend. Carly and Tania are both total hotties with infectious laughs and smiles, hilarious levels of sarcasm and a sense of humor as sick as mine. And Julia is my irreplaceable original drinking buddy. I'll miss you guys. I seriously felt almost like home while I was there. Thanks for hanging with me and making me laugh. As for Johnny V, thanks for giving me something to blog about Sunday and thanks for making me truly appreciate the Desmond.

And Carly I know that when you said "I hate you" 50 times you really meant that you loved me.

Microsmell

2005-07-17T23:01:00.000-04:00

I'm traveling for business. I'm staying at Microtel. It's pretty sweet. There are a lot of amenities here that other places charge extra for. For example my bed came with a big fluid stain on the passenger side. That's normally my side of the bed but I'm sleeping on the other side. Another feature of the room that's no extra charge is the unispeed fanswitch on the AC unit. Oh sure it says "HI/LOW" and there are 2 positions but don't let that fool you. There's only one speed. Totally sad. That's the speed. Scott's mom blows harder than this piece.

It's cool I mean I wouldn't have been able to find this place if it weren't for one John W. Virgil. See I'm in his hometown so I thought it would be reasonable to ask him where's a good place to stay. Apparently it's customary for him to offer up 2 choices. One that's bad and one that's horrible. I can't wait til he's going somewhere I've been and he asks for hotel advice. I'll tell him the Poop Inn is nice but the Doodie Pile Bed and Breakfast is nicer.

A few other standards that are usually extras at other hotels.
Free Internet
Free Pubes
Drawerless storage
Presoiled carpeting
Mildew

The party is at my room tomorrow. Bring your own disinfectant.

Movin on up to storage B

2005-07-14T23:46:00.000-04:00

At work I sit in an area we refer to as the pod. Our building is full of cubicles but our area is like a big open shared cubicle with room for 8 but only 6 of us in there. Some people look at it and wonder how we could work sitting right next to somebody in an open area with no privacy. It works for us. We're an awesome team. We make fun of each other. We talk on the phone really loud about our vasectomies and don't give it a second thought. If we have a question we usually just yell it. We're universally offensive but isolated from the cubicle dwellers.

Today we got word we're getting evicted. You know what. Eat a fucking cock.

Jesus fucking christ enough with the fucking anal rape. Give us this one goddamned thing that makes us happy you fucking assclowns. I hate you rat bastards. I'm going to lay a log under my desk in a place that nobody can find so that the buttpirates that move into my pod have to smell an aging doodie nugget for the rest of their days at my fucking desk.

FUCK

Well there's a little boy waiting at the counter at the corner shop.

2005-07-13T23:18:00.000-04:00

Some weird things I've seen

my brother ride his bike into a silo full speed on purpose
my big toe with a gear tooth from a sprocket through it
a foot stuck pointing 180 degrees in the wrong direction
a leg snapped in two with the toes touching the calf
a brand new truck roll 4 times land on it's now missing tires and both guys get out unscratched and immediately discard at least a 12 pack of Bud Light before cops arrive
a rigor mortised irish setter pulled from a well by his chain
a big dog peeing on a little dog

Linkin Park

2005-07-10T18:51:00.000-04:00

Liz asked for a user's guide to my linked blogs. Here's a good reference manual to who these people are.

Sarah - my gay lover Steven's stage name
Danielle - Sarah's mom and also my personal chef
Scott - my gay uncle
Johnny - some dude that likes to store naked pictures of himself on the network at work
Shamus - the Irish legend
Toren - a girl that could kill you and laugh and then break a heel and cry
SLC-UPS - the urban princess someone with whom you don't want to mess
Melanie - a one night stand I had in Paris and again in London and again in Bogota
Lolo - my first girlfriend and the only woman to ever make me cry in bed
Liz - my 2nd grade wrestling coach and first crush
Jill - Brett Favre

ok for real

Sarah - my female twin, lunch pal and coworker. Probably the funniest person I know
Danielle - my morning coffee pal, deep thoughts sounding board, coworker and occasional lunch pal
Scott - my friend, coworker, lunch pal and boss kinda. The greatest storyteller ever.
Johnny - coworker and twin separated at birth. would be lunch pal if he lived in the same state and the greatest writer/blogwriter on record
Shamus - for real, the Irish legend. previously a coworker. Actual author of probably the only book I've ever read cover to cover in a single sitting. The inspiration of every email I've ever written to a company.
Toren - Blogger friend but I know she'd fit right in with the lunch crew and she also has a big rack.
SLC-UPS - Blogger friend but she's seriously funny and has a big rack I think.
Melanie - Blogger friend. Shares the same mental dementia and poop humor as me though and really that and the fact that she will pretty much write anything puts her pretty high up the list in my book.
Lolo - Blogger friend. Co-Worker of Mel. Also shares my poop humor, musical tastes, age and parenthood. So there's really no way she's writing something I can't directly relate to.
Liz - you. Another only through Blogger. Your "100 things about me" was the first thing I read and the only other one of those things I have ever actually read from beginning to end besides Toren's. We also have a lot in common as I too married my high school sweatheart and we've also been together for 15 years.
Jill - my sister in law, friend, musical taste twin. She's the reason I finally asked my wife out. She's also not taller than me no matter what she says.

i Pod my pants

2005-07-08T08:50:00.000-04:00

I ordered an iPod from Apple. It came last night. So did I.

When I got my nizzies whacked the nurse said I should wait 3 months or until I had 12 ejaculations before I get checked to see if it worked. I had 4 going into last night. But thanks to the iPod I'll be taking a sample in this afternoon.

It's the best thing ever. If you're even remotely considering getting one, do it.